When we left TAR last week the teams were in a hotel near the Taj Mahal waiting for the next task. Remaining players on The Amazing Race:

Frank and Margarite, an estranged couple: Margarite is thought capable and charming by everyone except Frank who is preparing to be a curmudgeon in his old age by starting in his youth

Joe and Bill, aka Team Guido: the competent, intelligent and generally despicable gay life partners. Celebrating Halloween, they decide to dress alike, no wait...

Rob and Brennan, polite, kind and uninteresting lawyers/best friends: hereafter known as Rob and Plunder because it's the perfect name for a team of lawyers (not quite as perfect as Paul unless Paul is a middle name and his first name is Adam or Aaron then it would be A. Paul but close enough)

Drew and Kevin, middle-aged, bald and overweight former frat brothers who are the comic relief of the show and surprisingly competitive. Also known as the Festers, they too have a great Halloween costume, no wait again...

Nancy and Emily, a mostly loving, sometimes bickering Mother/Daughter duo who have played tenaciously and hung tough. For Halloween only, they will be Mummily instead of Mommily for this week.

This week on TAR:

Frank & Margarite are first to depart at 8:01 pm but have to wait until 6am for the Taj Mahal to open to search for the clue...cuddling and bonding shots abound as they kill time and discuss their mutual respect. Awh.....They head out the next morning and despite Frank's sniping find the clue quickly. Guido has taxi trouble and is passed by the young lawyers, Rob & Plunder, who unfortunately are headed toward Topeka. F/M are off to the Palace of Winds in Jaipur. Frank generously offers to build Margarite a leggo Taj Mahal but only if they win the million dollars. Guido wisely abandons their taxi and hoofs it to the Taj Mahal where they try to sneak in without paying using their bad French and a tour group as cover. Arguing that they are former Siamese twins and should have to pay only one entrance fee doesn't work either and one of the security guards b!tch slaps the money out of them. Meanwhile Rob/Plunder play musical cabs downtown. Brunette Guido uses hand vibrations like a divining rod to locate the flag quickly. Again, their language and vibrator skills are being put to good use in the race. Rob/Plunder also show up and leave shortly after the Guidos. The Festers arrive at the Taj M and Drew insists that Kevin is wasting his time looking around outside because the clue is historically inside. (Vibrations, guys!) Of course, the clue is outside and by the time they find it, Mummily has arrived. The Festers skulk away knowing they can not help Mummily who, surprisingly, doesn't need their help. Outside at the cab stand, the Festers are looking everywhere for the misplaced route marker. Drew swears he doesn't have it. Mummily passes by in a cab during the ensueing strip search where Kevin finds the route marker to the Palace of the Winds nestled in Drew's buttcrack. It was hidden there for safekeeping so Mummily wouldn't see it. Safe bet. Luckily, the Festers have that law enforcement background enabling Kevin to immediately go for the body cavity to search for contraband. All I could think was what would Karyn have said if Lenny had done something this stupid?

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Frank/Margarite and the Guidos catch the bus to Jaipur while everyone else takes a cab. The Festers wear kerchiefs over their faces to block out the smell of India which is apparently worse than smoking twenty cigars. Hey guys, don't blame India for the smell of that route marker! Mummily's cabby likes blowing his horn and spends the entire drive tooting. Elephants and cattle and small children playing in the road, ah, the sights and smells of India.

Rob/Plunder are first to the Palace and the detour is to ride an elephant up a hill or row across a lake to get the next clue from a holy man who is 3 days older than kerosene per Drew. R/P chose to ride the very slow elephant up a very large hill. F/M ask the cab driver which detour would be quicker and chose to be rowed across the lake to get the next detour followed shortly by the Guidos. Since elephants smell like elephant, the Festers take the rowboat that costs more than the Staten Island Ferry to the holy man and are right on the Guido's tail. Blond Guido states that he is not underestimating the other SOB's at all so they lob a stray cows at the Fester's rowboat from the top of the palace and fart in their general direction. No, it didn't really happen but wouldn't it have been a great Pythonesque moment? Nancy has never ridden an elephant and has no fear of their smell, so she and Emily take the path less traveled and ride Dumbo's mother up the hill.

The next clue is for the players to walk across India wearing nothing but a loincloth and make salt from the ocean. Oops, channeling Gandhi again. But don't the Emily fans wish.

Actually, all the players must get to the train station in town for a 200 mile trip to Bikaner then continue on their way to the Karni Mata, a temple for rat worshipers. Frank and Margarite take the lead from R/P with the Guidos third, Festers fourth and Mummily trailing. Everyone takes a cab or scooter to the train station except for Guido who get caught in very slow traffic on a bus. The first train out is at 3pm and Rob/Plunder, the Festers and Frank/Margarite all make it but it pulls out of the station as the Guidos are trying to buy their ticket. The Guidos will have to wait 6 hours for the next train. Goodbye good luck fairy. Mummily shows and gets to spend 1 1/2 hour trying to buy a ticket when the ticket agents will not wait on them. They mention that there are no other women in the train station and it is true. Only security men hitting train riding men with sticks and other male bonding rituals. In this country teeming with people, apparently women are only brought out for reproductive purposes then reburied in the basement. Mummily is very happy to see the Guidos later at the station. Hugs are exchanged but Mummily note that Guido is not as thrilled to see them as Guido flashes them the Loser sign.

On the early train in a very sweet scene, Drew teaches cards to the locals and Rob chats up a fairly dessicated old man. Then manly men Drew and Frank discuss previous rat-related experiences and decide they will leave entering the rat temple to their short friend and petite wife, respectively. Later back at the train station, Guido boards the train, finds their berth, gives each other cucumber facial masks, and don neck rolls and eyemasks. Nancy and Emily crawl into a vomit saturated berth and sob themselves to sleep.

The first train spills its occupants and they race to the Karni Mata. It looks remarkably like Vegas with flashing neon and throngs of excited people outside. Except instead of Wayne Newton and semi-naked showgirls there are rats, lots of rats. Rats pooping, rats scurrying, rats drinking milk from a vat and having little rat orgies in the corners. Pretty much your whole spectrum of rat activity and it's all been conveniently put under one roof for your worshipping pleasure. If you ever died and were reincarnated as a rat, this is where you would want to be born. Margarite, Drew and Brennan enter the temple shoeless and try not to act squeamish as they wade through the ankle-deep rats and rat excrement. One of the rat worshipers thoughtfully helps Margarite to the next clue and she is followed immediately by Kevin and Brennan. They exit quickly and all three groups scurry to cabs. Unfortunately, Rob and Plunder's cabbie wants a spot of tea before leaving then has to wait for an elderly rat to cross the road. The lawyers wait politely. Meanwhile the Festers and F/M race to the nearby hotel which is their next destination. The Festers arrive first at the end of the leg with F/M and R/B close behind. Rob shows a bit of a temper after the cabby frustration and will have to say an extra prayer of forgiveness to the rat gods tonight.

Guido and Mummily arrive at the rat temple and with very little fuss and muss. Then Bill and Emily find the hidden clue and race to the hotel. Guido jump out of the cab at the gate and win by a hair but luckily for Mummily it is not an elimination point and they get to hang around another week. No one is eliminated. Mom desperately wants to beat the Guidos just once.

Next week: Mommily and the Guidos both go for the fast forward and Emily prepares to play sneaky. The others are in a pit with chained tigers looking for the next clue.