As a new episode of The Amazing Race gets ready to start, we find the teams still talking about the last one. Specifically, how evil Team Guido is. Rob and Brennan, Kevin and Drew and Nancy and Emily all weigh in. Emily even starts to cry because they pushed her Mom. Nice job, jerks. You made Emily cry. I hope you feel very small when you watch this, but I doubt it. The one thing that worries me is that the TV Guide write-up on this weeks show suggests that the team that loses will be the one that cries a lot. Emily’s tears are not a good sign.
Anyway, off they go. Frank and Margarita took over the lead last show and leave at 3:30AM. They discover that their first clue is a Detour, meaning that they must choose one of two things. Our Host also mentions the Fast Forward for the first time in several shows – a sure sign that someone will use it. The Detour is Glide or Ride. Teams must choose between taking a ride on a glider and then getting a free cab ride to the train station or riding bicycles there. The catch is that there is only one glider and unlimited bikes. Further complicating things is the fact that these places don’t open until 9AM, so whoever gets to the glider place first will have the advantage. That should be Frank and Margarita, because they are in first place, right? No, because Frank decides to go for the fast-forward. He wants to get away from all the crying, bitching, moaning and fighting. However, since he can’t get rid of Margarita, he decides that the best thing to do is get away from the other teams. That decision is going to come back to bite you in the ass, Frank. Wait until the last couple of shows and someone else zooms past you.
The Gay Team is next to depart at 4:01 followed by Rob and Brennan (4:13), Kevin and Drew (4:36), Nancy and Emily (4:49) and Lenny and Karyn (5:00). Boy, if last week had been an elimination round, they’d have lost by one minute! Bill and Joe don’t have the balls to try the glider, so they go for the bikes and the lucky lawyers get to the glider strip first. Kevin and Drew get there next and their cab shines its lights in Rob and Brennan’s eyes, making them look like Blair Witch rejects. They decide to wait there anyway because Drew can’t stand the thought of “waiting at the bicycle place with Burt and Ernie.” Am I the only one who thinks that this nickname is unfair to the real Burt and Ernie?
Emily is wishing for a little luck to come their way. She and Mom have been holding on through sheer effort, but it’s been costing them. Nancy seems to have been a bit refreshed by the layover because after debating going out with a bang on the glider, she decides that she wants to “hang in there” and go for the bikes. Bless her heart. Lenny and Karyn are trying to work through their differences. Well, Karyn is anyway. Lenny is, as usual, doing nothing.
Frank and Margarita follow the fast-forward clue to a castle in the town of Ferrara. There’s something about a boat in a moat, so they make sure that this is the only castle in town with a moat before they lay down in front of the door waiting for it to open. When it does, they get in and climb into the little rowboat. Unfortunately for the viewing public, it doesn’t tip over and feed them to the beasts in the moat. Right away, Frank starts bitching at her over her rowing technique. There’s the Frank we know so well; where have you been? Plus, she’s doing the right thing and there really isn’t a huge rush at this point. They find the clue sticking out of a hole in the wall and open it. “Oh, boy! India!” Franks says. “This is a big one!”
As the other attractions open, Rob and Brennan approach the glider. Drew worries that it doesn’t look very safe and wonders if it’s too late to try the bikes. Over there, the lamest version of the Tour de France is beginning as the three remaining teams mount up. Emily is worried because she hasn’t ridden a bike for years and her legs are too short. For once, she has to struggle to keep up with Nancy. Scarcely has the ride begun when Karyn starts up on Lenny. They cut to a shot of Brennan in the glider and then back to Karyn. “Lenny, where are you going?” Probably as far away from you as he can.
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Back at the airstrip, Rob and Brennan are doing loop-de-loops over the Italian countryside while Kevin waves to them. “Don’t wave, idiot. He’ll come down here and think you need something!” Drew says. Back at the bicycle race, we hear the ever-familiar, “Leeennneeeyyy! Wait!”
Rob and Brennan land and Drew gets in the glider. “Are you sure you don’t want the short, fat guy in front?” Drew asks the glider operator, who looks like a WWII veteran of the Italian air force. And if you remember how good they were, you would understand why Drew is so worried. Kevin, at least, is in the plane with the engine.
The Guidos win the bike race and find the flag. Their next stop is in New Delhi, India and so they need to get to an airport. Milan is closer, but Joe thinks there will be more flights in "Roma”. Yes, I know that’s how the Italians pronounce it and no, I’m not impressed by your knowledge, you silly twit. Rob and Brennan come to the same conclusion without the prissiness and both teams hop on a train to Rome.
The glider ride ends and Drew gets out. “That was wild!” he says as they hop in the cab to the train station, still freaking out of the fact that the glider pilot was 76 years old. Nancy and Emily are there next, meaning that Lenny and Karyn were out-peddled by two middle-aged men, a genteel southern lady and a girl with short legs. And when they get the clue, Karyn pronounces their destination “Dell-hi.” As they are trying to figure out what to do, Kevin and Drew make the scene and take charge. They decide to try and find out if Rome is the best choice before actually going there. Kevin gets on the phone and starts calling. He discovers that there is a flight from Milan to New Delhi via Copenhagen, but they have to catch the next train and it’s leaving, like, now. He’s holding on the phone trying to confirm their seats and sends Drew to hold the train. “He’ll make a scene,” he tells Nancy with confidence. That train isn’t going anywhere until Drew is ready. While the confused conductor is trying to get the passengers aboard the train, Kevin is sweating it out on the line. “Naaannnccccyyyy!” Karyn screeches, and Mom feels empathy for Lenny for the first time. Finally the reservations are confirmed and Kevin and Nancy rush for the train. I was hoping for one of those great scenes where they have to run the train down and get pulled up, but Drew has threatened to break the conductor’s legs if the train moves and so they all make it.
At the Rome airport, Rob and Brennan discover that the first flight to India connects through…Copenhagen. When they and Team Guido land in Denmark’s capital, they find the other teams waiting there for them. I don’t think Rob and Brennan mind, but our gay friends seem a bit put out, to say the least. They also show the fast-forwarding Frank and Margarita landing in New Delhi and going to the pit stop at a hotel next to the Taj Mahal. Mind you, I think this is an editing trick. I think they came on the same flight as all the others, so Frank didn’t get away from them unless he and Margarita were in the rest room joining the Mile High Club for the entire flight. Anyway, they are shown reaching the pit stop in first place.
As the teams are unleashed on India, there is the usual taxi scramble, followed by the taxi montage as they drive to their next destination at the Red Fort Market. Lenny and Karyn and Rob and Brennan are stopped and are hit up for money. I have no idea why this happened, but Karyn moans that they are going to lose. We should be so lucky. At various stops, beggars approach the cars and stare mutely inside, upsetting poor Mom who would probably like to adopt them all.
They hit the market at more or less the same time and find the clue. It’s a roadblock, so one of them must hire a rickshaw and driver to take them to a specific shop in the market where a shopkeeper will give them the next clue. Joe goes first as Karyn and Lenny get their clue. Lenny has a handkerchief over his face and looks like a black Michael Jackson. It seems that he does not enjoy being out amongst the great unwashed. Karyn takes the rickshaw ride, as does Rob, Kevin and Nancy. The market is a mess of clustered people, narrow alleys, and wandering livestock. Joe finds the phone booth-sized shop first and confides to the shopkeeper that he’s never been down a street like this. What, didn’t you go clubbing in your youth? I’ve watched Queer as Folk and some of those alleys look just as narrow. He’s shown a trinket in the shape of the Taj Mahal as well as some instructions to check into the Taj Kheme hotel.
Karyn finds it next, then Rob and Kevin show up at the same time. Nancy comes a bit later and the shopkeeper seems confused. “You’re late,” he says when he realizes that she’s a contestant and not some wandering tourist. She knows, dude, don’t be mean and rub it in. Mom’s getting a bit upset as her rickshaw-puller tries to force his way out of the sea of humanity. “All I can see is the word ‘Eliminated’ and I’m not ready to go,” she says. Oh, Mom, now you’ve got ME crying.
Emily stands there waiting as the other teams come back and depart in taxis. Kevin talks about how freaky it was while Drew says it was even worse waiting with all the beggars around. He was freaked out by the kids staring at him because “they look right through to your soul.” Obviously that didn’t bother Team Guido any because they don’t have souls, so they are off. Joe has known that the Taj Mahal was in Agra since he was five years old. Precocious little brat.
With all the other teams gone, Nancy shows up. She’s quite shaken and Emily supports her. Mom thinks they’ve probably lost, but Emily isn’t ready to give up. They get in the cab, only to discover that the cabby doesn’t know where the hotel is. They try to ask for help from the bystanders, who are growing thicker by the minute, but there is no luck. Emily starts to lose her cool with the ignorant cab driver and Nancy, who’s been reduced to tears, asks her not to speak is she’s going to use that kind of language. Finally, they both break down and hug each other as they are surrounded. It looks like the final scene in a “Night of the Living Dead” movie.
Other than Team Guido, the rest of the field are lost. Drew is so frustrated he asks the cabby if he can drive instead, but the man says no. They stop for directions at a shack with a sign that says, inexplicably, ‘Bomb’. Perhaps they were hoping to find some artillery that could be used against the Gay Team, but instead they get proper directions. They hire a truck to take them to Agra, though Kevin complains about the bald tires. What have you got against bald, Kevin? Have you looked in the mirror lately? Rob and Brennan also switch vehicles, though they get a rickety jitney that looks worse than Kevin and Drew’s truck. They figure that they are in last and the only way they won’t be eliminated is if Nancy and Emily had bad luck and they don’t want to wish for that. Such nice boys.
Lenny and Karyn have also discovered their cab driver has no clue and get out. “You lied to us!” Karyn screeches and then tries to stiff him for part of the fare, offering 500 rupees. He wants to settle for 800, but she keeps arguing. Hey, Karyn, remember what happened to the bitchy teachers when they fought about the cab fare? As they leave, she takes it out on Lenny. “I’m tired of doing everything! You do nothing!” she screams. Of course, she’s right, but still it’s kind of harsh.
At the hotel in Agra, Bill and Joe come in second and Bill collapses on the ground in mock exhaustion. As the sun is setting, Rob and Brennan’s rusty jitney arrives and they are shocked to discover that they are in third place. The sun is gone when Kevin and Drew show up. “Fourth place, we’ll take that!” Kevin says.
Now we see another taxi pulling up. They won’t show us who are in it, just a ghostly shot of a door opening. Come on, we know it’s Karyn and Lenny, the TV Guide has given it away. Still, we see these forms walking toward the mat and they start to enter the light. Hey, I know that white shirt. Oh my God, It’s Nancy and Emily! They escaped the zombies and somehow found their way! “Pinch me!” Nancy says when she discovers that they are in fifth. I’d love to, but can I pinch Emily too?
The last cab comes and Lenny doesn’t even want to get out of the car. Perhaps he breathed too many toxic fumes through his mask, but Karyn makes him. “You’re in last place,” Our Host informs them. “We know it.” Karyn says. Their luck has run out at last. Karyn says that she enjoyed the race, but their relationship is badly damaged. “I’m too analytical, too competitive and too impatient,” she concludes, “and he’s the opposite. Lenny, for once, agrees. “It’s not gonna work,” she adds, “He won’t give 110%. I did and he didn’t.” I agree. Those two are not suited for each other. Lenny is just too useless and Karyn would never stand for it. At least they figured it out before they got married, though. Can’t say I’ll miss you guys.
Next week – Rob and Brennan have taxi trouble, Nancy and Emily meet a sexist pig and the Good Luck Fairy seems to abandon Team Guido.
