Once again, we pick up where we left off; at the coliseum in El-Jem. Twelve hours

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

have passed since the Gay Team moved into first place and they are getting ready to depart. It’s 4:02 AM and they open their first clue, to discover that they must travel to Tatooine. It’s in a galaxy far, far away, but they don’t know that. They can’t even pronounce it, so they ask for directions. Turns out there’s also a Tatooine here on Earth, and they hire a cab to take them there. Next up to leave are Drew and Kevin, the bald guys otherwise know as the Fester Twins. At least they’ve heard of Tatooine and as they flag down the Millenium Falcon to take them there, we have a voice-over from Joe and Bill boasting about how much better they are than them. We also see Mom and Emily leaving five minutes after Kevin and Drew. Now they finished five seconds after them, so there must be a rule that the departures have to be five minutes apart, but of course, they don’t tell us that. Once again, we have the voice-over from the Gay Team describing them as not being very fast. Meow.

More weirdness: Paul and Amie finished fifth, but according to Our Host, were delayed by a production problem and have been bumped into fourth. What, did someone forget their camera somewhere? They leave at 4:49. Frank and Margarita follow them at 5:03. They spent last night talking about their relationship. Frank, I gather, doesn’t like to talk about it, but Margarita keeps bringing it up. Well, wasn’t that why you were doing this, to help you get back together? That was probably just Frank’s excuse; if they win, he’ll probably take his half and split forever. Rob and Brennan, the G.Q. lawyers pull out at 5:22, followed by eternal back-of-the-packers Lenny and Karyn at 5:43. Newflash! Karen admits that she’s bossy. Apparently even her own mother warned Lenny about her. Paul and Amie are still happy. That Turkish Massage still must be working. He talks about how he’d like to blow the million dollars on their wedding, which will be on a beach in casual dress. Don’t know why that would cost much money, but what the hell.

The two lead teams find Tatooine. Joe and Bill get the next clue from Luke Skywalker only to discover Kevin and Drew right behind them. “Christ, here’s the fatties,” one of them bitches. Somebody didn’t get any last night, I think. They have a detour and must choose between going somewhere and solving a puzzle or going to Mos Eisley Spaceport and doing something with walkie-talkies. Everyone chooses the walkie-talkies, so we don’t have to think about the puzzle any more. Paul & Amie and Nancy & Emily pull in at the same time and hope in their X-wing fighters and head off to Mos Eisley.

At the entrance to the Cantina at Mos Eisley, Kevin and Drew find a walkie-talkie. They have to talk into it and find the other one, somewhere in the maze of buildings. They run around and locate it next to an urn. Seeing Team Guido make the scene, they decide to add some misdirection by climbing on rooftops. It works. As they leave, they are treated to the sight of Burt and Ernie walking unsteadily over the rooftops looking for the walkie-talkie. They eventually figure out that they’ve been fooled and complain about the fatties again, then one of them suggests singing “Happy Birthday” into the walkie-talkie. After that doesn’t work, Bill decides he still hasn’t show of his remarkable language skills enough and starts counting in French. Back in the rear, Lenny and Karyn’s taxi has stopped for gas and they are trying in vain to get their driver to go faster.

Kevin and Drew are still in the lead, heading into the Sahara Desert. They have to use a bad map, compass and follow yellow stones on the road to the next clue. Drew complains that EVERYTHING looks yellow to him. In the middle of the pack, Amie is not yellow, but green. It seems that Paul’s driving does not agree with her and she pukes into a plastic bag, something the producers feet they needed to show us. “Bless her heart,” Nancy says in her best Mom voice. They reach Mos Eisley together and try to find the elusive walkie-talkie. Paul feels silly talking into it, so Amie tells him to have a conversation. “How’s it going?” he asks. “Not with me!” she says. Mom and Emily find it first, then Paul and Amie followed by Frank and Margarita. Lenny and Karyn are just running about before Karyn points out to Lenny that he actually has to talk into the walkie-talkie if they want to find the other one. I can’t figure out why Karyn actually gets Lenny to do anything. At least they find it and weakly high-five as they get back in the car.

Kevin and Drew are bumping along the desert road. Drew is trying to fasten Kevin’s seatbelt so he doesn’t bounce all over him, but Kevin tells him to give it up. “Your ass is just way to fat for me to get the seatbelt,” Drew concludes. They find a deserted shack of some kind, and Drew checks it out. The only thing he finds are some huge spiders. “That’s a sign,” Kevin says, “let’s get out of here!” Doesn’t seem that our boys like creepy-crawlies too much. We cut to a scene of Margarita bossing Frank around then go to the Gay Team where they are having their first #####-fight. Bill thinks Joe is driving too fast and that it’s dangerous. Joe actually accuses Bill of being a ‘nervous Nellie’. Then Bill complains that Joe is driving too slow. Rob and Brennan are brining up the rear at Mos Eisley and find the next clue, while complaining about their bad luck today.

Kevin and Drew find the next flag at a sign on the side of the road. Drew has to take a leak and is advised by Kevin to look out for spitting cobras. There are no spitting cobras in Tunisia, genius, and even if there were, they would not be so stupid as to mistake the eye on the head of Drew’s trouser mouse for the eyes in his face. Margarita can’t figure out how to use a compass and Lenny and Karyn are not doing much better. They pass each other on the road, but I have no idea which one of them was going the right way. Probably neither. Amie isn’t having much luck with the compass either, and Paul’s habit of wanting to drive everywhere himself comes back to haunt them. Rob and Brennan find the Spider Shack, so we know they are on the right track.

Kevin and Drew are now off road following the instructions and bouncing even more. Drew says, “Stop, stop, stop, stop!” as he sees the next flag before Kevin points out that the driver is not deaf and probably heard Drew the first time. I’m sure he and everyone else within a 10-mile radius heard him. The next clue is a roadblock. One of them has to ride and Kevin chooses to do it. He learns that he must ride a camel while Drew walks beside him. Drew, having recently watched The Mummy Returns, immediately starts to worry about scorpions. They could hire a camel jockey to help, but prefer to do it themselves. This is a good trip for Kevin as he sees his second live camel ever. He mounts the ship of the desert and tries to steer it. There’s a rope, but Drew doesn’t seem to realize that he’s supposed to lead the camel, telling Kevin to ride it like a horse and kick it. I was hoping he would so that we could see the camel bite his fat ass. Nancy and Emily are driving over the roads flowing a flashing light that they think is coming from Team Guido’s car, but is actually the sun reflecting off Kevin and Drew’s heads. Lenny and Karyn are lost and she’s bitching again. Lenny wants to stay positive, but she’s making it hard.

As Kevin and Drew reach their next clue, they discover that the camel ride is not over. They must go to an oasis, which is where the next Pit Stop is. Drew, his face covered with a handkerchief and looking like a desert bandit, complains that he really got screwed on this one. Kevin wants Drew to hurry up because it’s hot up on the camel. Drew, who’s trudging through the steaming sands, tells Kevin that he’s going to kill him when he gets down. Paul and Amie are still lost and Paul suggests to Amie that she’d be more help is she went to sleep. Joe and Bill find the detour by the side of the road and whip out their spitting cobras to mark their territory. Amie is hanging her head, trying to go to sleep, but now Paul wants her to help him look.

Approaching the Pit Stop, Kevin and Drew think they’ve stumbled across a production of The Arabian Nights. “There’s singing, dancing, and…I’m gonna get hit in the eye with these things if you don’t move!” he says as his camel leads him into a tree branch. Drew tells him to duck and Kevin comes back with his favorite expression; “You’re a Jackass!” Kevin gets down off of the Camel, who they’ve rather unimaginatively named Joe despite the fact that the camel does not have a phallic nose, and jump on the mat for first place. Joe and Bill have their camel and are crossing the burning sands followed by Emily, who’s made her poor mom walk. Paul and Amie are hopelessly lost and decide that they are two retards. Gee guys, we knew that long ago. Rob and Brennan have found their luck as well as the next clue and get on the camel. Brennan complains that riding the camel is hurting his balls. Amie has now started puking again. “I can’t listen to this,” Paul says, showing his love and support. Needless to say, he’s ready to quit again. Hey, buddy, it was your bad driving that caused this.

“The fatties got lost!” the Gay Team concludes as they approach the oasis. I don’t know what makes them think this, but at least we have the satisfaction of seeing the look of surprise on Bill’s face when he finds out they are in second. Joe doesn’t care anyway and they hug. Mom is crawling on her hands with her tongue hanging out panting, ‘Water, water,’ as she makes her way across the desert, but she hangs on and they come in third. Kevin and Drew come and hug them while Team Guido recuperates under a tent flap. Lenny and Karyn get on their camel with Frank and Margarita right on their heels. At least the men are gentlemen enough to let their women ride. Rob and Brennan make it to the oasis for fourth and are quite please considering how their day began. Frank and Margarita approach the next clue, and Frank shows his true colours again making Margarita reach down and grab the clue from the back of a moving camel. How she managed it without diving head-first into the sand, I’ll never know. They are neck-and-neck with Lenny and Karyn, who is bitching about the length of time she’s been on the camel’s back. For once, I feel sorry for Lenny. Out of all the exotic things they see at the approach the oasis, the one thing that stands out is Team Guido’s tacky matching outfits. Frank and Margarita pull out fifth with Lenny and Karyn sixth. They’ve now finished next-to-last three out of five times. Karyn and Margarita hug and wish they were teamed with each other. Everyone realizes that Paul and Amie are still lost. Mom thinks that Paul must be freaking out by now. Rob thinks Amie is the one that freaks out the most and does so loudly. Drew sticks up for her because he likes his women loud. Well, like goes to like as they say. Amie doesn’t want the game to end, but Paul seems to know the gig is up. They see trucks and drive up to the oasis, avoiding the whole camel trip. They were in last place anyway, so Our Host informs them that they are out without making them go through it. Paul then demonstrates the side of him that must of attracted Amie in the first place, because he is very supportive and nice to her. They kiss and ride off into the sunset.

Next week – An airport strike and, for something completely different, Team Guido pisses everybody else off.