We begin our final episode in the usual way, but realize it’s the last time we’ll hear Phil say, "previously on The Amazing Race." I miss him already.
Phil takes us through last week’s Great Wall and planes and ice and snow and seques into the pregame warmup, including the envelope demonstration, which looks oddly the same in every country.

Lots of pep talk within teams as the final leg begins, with Team Guido the farthest removed from reality. Joe suggests each team ahead of them could make a "fatal error" and says each has made a "near-fatal error in the past."
(Note to self: Look up "fatal.")

Rob and Brennan are the first to depart, at 4:17 a.m. They make the most of their lead by quickly donning snowshoes and heading off for the next stop at Takosha Lodge, which opens at 8 a.m.
They go 15 feet before becoming hopelessly lost in the dark when their flashlight batteries go dead. There’s a full moon on a reflective white surface, but they can’t see a damn thing. "A lovely way to start a final leg," notes Rob.

Moments later (Okay, 5:03 a.m.) Margarita comes tromping out in snowshoes declaring, "It’s on baby! This is it! This is why I left my daughter for six weeks, cause I’m gonna win."

This is known as foreshadowing.

Frank and Margarita set off on the snowshoes, and 15 feet later, trip over Rob and Brennan, who are still cross-examining their flashlight. The lawyers grill Frank about batteries and charges. Frank pleads not guilty. Then they ask if he has a flashlight.

A few nightcam shots add a little mood to the event, but I’m left wondering why they need a flashlight when the camera guy has a 1-billion watt light over his head. You can spot these teams from space, and they can’t see the snowmobile trail they are stuck on?

Frank and Margarita take off, with Frank noting that the lawyers are gonna follow them because, "they’re too scared to do anything on their own."

Rob, a Los Angeles lawyer, has a little trouble walking and says, "I don’t do a lot of this in L.A." I guess he’s the only L.A. lawyer who’s not familiar with white powder.

The two teams cluster together and head off into the dark Alaskan Wilderness, guided only by a small flashlight, a full moon, two 1-billion watt camera crews, and a fully-packed snowmobile trail lined with bumpers to keep them in line.

They arrive at Takosha Lodge, where Frank compliments Margarita on her speed. See, she’s got those short legs… well, not big and muscular like mine… well not short. Well, she’s a tough kid. (Nice try, Frank.)

Our two teams move inside the lodge, where the camera lenses begin to fog up from the warm air. With this effect, I expect the tasteful nude scene, but instead we get Rob drinking orange juice, talking about overcoming rough legs. I guess he hasn’t had time to shave.

Margarita tells us she’s pushed herself to the limit and she’s gonna win this thing. The tension mounts as the two teams crowd into the small room, warily watching each other, while they wait for the 8 a.m. start of the next task.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch…

Joe and Bill are sipping iced tea at a hotel in Thailand, waiting for the other teams to catch up. Then they wake up. They are a day behind and need to get tossed off by everyone in Alaska. After Bill plays bouncy-bouncy with the Alaskans for an hour or so, they’re off to the ice wall.

Well finally, the show goes to the dogs. The urban black team from Queens, New York (ooh, foreshadowing), and the O.J. prosecution team hit a Detour, and have to choose between an 11-mile dog sled run, and 30 miles on a snowmobile. Yes, you could drag two fat bastards behind your 200-horsepower snowmobiles, and still go more than three times faster than a five-dog team, but both teams inexplicably choose the dogs. Phil offers the helpful note that both methods come with instructions. {Insert biscuit "A" into dog "B"…}
Frank’s big muscular body is no advantage here. Two dogs die from the effort, and he threatens to turn the others into mush. Maybe it’s because he’s leaning on the brake the whole way. Shoulda read those instructions!
Luckily, he’s out in front on another of those narrow snowmobile trails with the three-inch snowbanks, forcing the others to stay behind him. When his wife tries to pass he gives her a few helpful tips, and a stiff forearm to the head. Eventually Rob and Brennan see the road widen ahead, and carry their sleds, their packs, their dogs and the snowmobile-drivin’ camera crew past Frank, who’s slouched over attempting to blow steam up the dogs’ asses.

Rob speculates that perhaps Frank and Margarita had bad dogs (Bad! Bad Dog!) or were riding the brakes or whatever, but tells us that he had to pass them, "because after all, this is a race!" Really?

The dog sled drag ends at a parking lot, just another in the Amazing-Tour-of-Parking-Lots-Race. Two four-wheel drive vehicles wait. (Have the producers given up on Team Guido? I have. They’ll be found next spring.) The teams have to drive to Fish Lake, whose name bears witness to the imagination of Alaskans. In case you missed it, those were bullet holes in the road sign. (A "fatal error" on somebody’s part?)

The appearance of Fish Lake (puddle) thrills Rob, who predicted a swim in icy water (he saw that clip of Frank) and he’s also thrilled that Brennan is the one going swimming. Brennan strips down to a thong, ties a rope around his waist, and plunges in near the post with the next clue attached. In a flash he’s back out, triumphant. Then he goes back in to get the clue, which he forgot the first time in a spasm of brain freeze.

Frank and Margarita arrive in time to see Brennan getting dressed. Do we once on this show get to see a woman in a bathing suit!
(Pause here to picture Emily drenched in icy water).
Of course not, what do you think this is, Surviv-whore? Frank takes the plunge we’ve all been waiting for, and the last spoiler is now spent.
(Pause here to picture Emily drenched in icy water. In a T-shirt and thong.)
Stop now. Take your own cold shower.

Brennan and Rob read the clue, which directs them to Vincent (Jack) Daniels Square in New York City. It means nothing to them, except that they need to leave Alaska immediately, even if they have to subpoena somebody. Frank and Margarita read the same clue and begin victory spasms. "Queens, baby!!" Barefoot and soaking, Frank heads for the car, and back to the 'hood. "That’s where my father lives… we live six blocks from there… once we’re in New York, it’s over. It’s over. It’s over."

As they say in New York, it’s ain’t over til it’s over.

After a commercial break, we’re treated to a few more shots of Frank explaining, "It’s my turf. I’m figuring out different scenarios I can use to throw them off. I have a feeling their strategy will be as its been, follow us until they see an opportunity and then bust away. If they wanna follow me in New York, let em follow me. I’m gonna make sure they go wrong every single time."

Okay, Okay. We get it. One team has distinct home team advantage.

Rob and Brennan begin their exit begin by accosting Alaskans and offering $300 for the one-day use of a cell phone. Rob even says it’s a "life or death situation." Surprisingly, they are not arrested, or shot and dumped into Body Lake. They find a woman willing to give up the phone, and Rob brilliantly calls Alaska Air and books tickets to Newark. Go through Seattle, arrive in Newark at 6 a.m.
Then the lawyers reach that sleazy lawyer moment we’ve been waiting for. ‘We could call the airline, reserve eight more seats, and fill the plane, keeping Frank and Margarita off that flight.’ A plan so bold, so unique, it will undoubtably win them the million. But, in an unbelievable twist, the lawyers won’t play dirty.

Rob: I don’t want to do that, do you?
Brennan: It’s the last leg…
Rob: That’s dirty play. It’s cheap.
Brennan: They’d do it!
Rob: What would Jesus do?
Brennan: Forgive me Father, for I have sinned….

Meanwhile, back at the lodge …

Thailand’s rock wall made Guido Bill cry for Mama, but he glides up the ice wall with ease. Perhaps it’s spring thaw. We haven’t seen these guys in months. A cynic would say he called on the fiery power of his Evil Lord to melt the ice wall and raise him up. But not me. I overhear one of the Guidos say they are going all out, "balls to the wall," and I realize Bill had an extra spike to help him climb.
Joe brazenly predicts victory then gripes as they prepare for the snowmobile ride to the cabin in the woods. "Gonna be some damn shack up here, we’re gonna have to sleep in our sleeping bags and freeze our asses off all night." Yup. And when you wake up, you’ve lost.
On the snowmobile ride Joe once again wishes "fatal errors" on the other teams: "Maybe Rob and Brennan and Frank and Margarita fell off the Ski-Doos and froze in the snow and we’re in first place."
Is it the cold that makes him delusional?

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Team Guido arrive at the Alaskan checkpoint a full 24 hours behind the others, but those same Inuit dudes are there waiting for the casting call for "Northern Exposure." Team Guido speculates that they can catch up while the others are trapped in an airport for 24 hours. Happens all the time. Or maybe they’ll meet up with a serial killer, or be struck by a falling asteroid, or sucked into a vortex in the space-time continuum. Anything’s possible in the mind of Team Guido.

Back to the real show…

The leading teams arrive at the airport minutes apart, and after much subterfuge involving secret code names, sign language and a wink-wink, nudge-nudge to the ticket agent, they triumphantly take their seats three feet apart on the same plane.

For those who missed it earlier, Frank states: "It’s on, like Donkey Kong! If I can keep them off my tail and not let them follow me to New York everything’s gonna be golden."
Margarita says: Our knowledge is gonna … I don’t think we’ll panic as much because we’ll know exactly where we are."
Frank adds: "We’re in our comfort zone."

Rob and Brennan search for maps of NYC, fretting that they are going to have to pull something out of their hats to win. "We are the underdog at this point…. No way we’re going to take Frank and Margarita in their home borough of Queens."

On the airplane Frank makes funny faces behind Rob’s head, and later says: "If I can make an observation… they’re scared. I can see it in their eyes."

First Winston Churchill’s legacy was sullied. Now, Bill Clinton gets dragged through the snowbank. Guido Joe likens himself Clinton who had to "save his presidency and pull it out no less than four times in the last eight years." Maybe he’s forgotten, but Bill Clinton pulled it out a lot more than four times, and it ruined his presidency.
Joe continues: "Bill Clinton has termed himself The Comeback Kid and I’m hoping when all this is said and done I’m going to meet Bill Clinton because he’s got two other Comeback Kids over here, too. I think we can probably pull it off." (Insert your own pull-it-off joke here.)

The plane lands in Newark, New Jersey, where Newark Airport is located. The CBS map helpfully calls it New York. (Hey, we’re freakin’ sensitive heah!) The pairs jostle each other getting off the plane, and race through the concourse. It’s weird watching the end game play out in familiar environs, and my family and I spend the rest of the show shouting at landmarks.

For those who missed it the first thousand times: Frank says he’ll let the out-of-towners get in a cab and go their own way, because he know faster routes to get to this particular spot.

Then comes the moment R&B fans have been waiting for. The lawyers hop in a cab, tell the driver where to go, and he takes off with a clear idea how to get there. Frank and Margarita argue at the curb with an immigrant livery cab driver, one with limited English skills and who is unclear on how to get to Queens. (Oh, sweet irony.) After wasting a few moments, F&M jump into a yellow cab, shout instructions at the driver, and force him to take the longest possible route to Queens, claiming its not speed that counts, its strategic choice of the route that counts. They want to avoid driving through Manhattan, even though it’s 6 a.m.
Rob and Brennan’s cab takes them through the Holland Tunnel, zips across midtown Manhattan, through another tunnel and into Queens. Lots of shots of cabs and traffic lights and bridges and it reminds me of the opening montage on The Sopranos and my mind wanders away, wondering when that starts up again.

I’m jolted back to reality when, OH MY GOD! Rob and Brennan arrive at the Queens checkpoint moments ahead of Frank and Margarita. I slap my forehead and wonder how I could have missed that! The underdog out-of-towners beat the New Yorkers across New York!! Who would have thought it possible!!!

The next instruction tells them to take the #7 Train to the Willets Point/Shea Stadium stop, and I idly wonder if either Rob or Brennan can pitch for the Mets next season. Off they go, headed for Flushing Meadow. (Insert your own Flushing joke here, we’ve heard them all.)
Then I leap around the room when I realize where the finish line is… Flushing Meadow Park was the home of the World’s Fair in the early 1960s, and the Unisphere is still there. A large metal frame globe with a tube running around it, signifying the trip around the world. (Pats self on back for suggesting this site in earlier thread about possible finish lines.)
The elevated train station is 100 feet away. Rob and Brennan clamber up the stairs and onto the next train. As the train leaves, Frank and Margarita arrive at the checkpoint, read the instructions, and are elated that they are headed to Flushing Meadow. They fail to notice one of the envelopes has been claimed. They are convinced they are ahead of Rob and Brennan, and nervously await the next train. In fact, Frank gently reminds his loving wife that trains travel faster when the platform is kept silent. (Tell me commuters, does SHUT UP SHUT UP really help?)

Through the magic of editing, we see Rob and Brennan on the train approach Flushing Meadow while F&M wait at the 52nd street platform. Then we see R&B exit one train just as F&M enter another.

Serious, businesslike and worried, R&B begin their run into Flushing Meadow, helped along by a Chariots of Fire soundtrack. F&M can barely contain their excitement on the train, convinced they have won.

And now we see the finish line, and there they are. The six (no, eight) eliminated teams. Yes, all six (no, eight) are lined up waiting to greet the winners, directly under the base of the Unisphere. I’m not dis-a-pointed to see Lenny and Karyn, the "Stupid stupid" teachers Kim and Leslie, or the idiot who married the idiot, Matt and Ana. The Fat Bastards have swung by, and Dave and Margaretta arrived after a stroll clockwise around the park. The moms, Pat and Brenda are there, despite the Foucault-up in Paris.

But something’s weird here. They are switching positions. Kevin in front. Drew in front. Amie and Paul sob their way in, and in the next shot they have been upchucked out. Team Momily similarly leap in and out of the show in a 24-hour penalty time warp of some sort. Ahh, editing.

Rob and Brennan run down a long concourse to the finish line, toward the eight (no, six) other teams. Sometimes they join hands. Sometimes they raise fists. They pass the same shrub three times. They arrive at the finish holding hands, while simultaneously not holding hands, while slapping hands with the other contestants who may or may not have made it out of their hotel rooms in time for this shot. No matter, we can shoot it a few times, and splice it together. Okay, boys, can we do the run one more time, this time with less sweat?

Rob and Brennan climb the few steps and are hugged by Phil, and then by Joe and Bill, who have already been declared winners. Really, who knows Queens better? No no no. Just kidding. They are still pulling it out with Bill Clinton.

Phil says: "Through 9 countries, four continents and 35,000 miles, you guys are the official winners of The Amazing Race."

Rob and Brennan are embraced by all the eliminated contestants, who by now have managed to arrive on the scene. They couldn’t get to the finish line on time with a week’s head start. No wonder these people lost.

When the congratulations are over, we cut back to Frank and Margarita, who have just left the train and begun their sprint into the park, toward the finish line. They are giddy. They are about to become millionaires. Margarita says of the cheering crowd at the finish line: "I feel that’s a good sign, like we did it!"

Then Frank looks up and sees the Lawyers next to Phil. He looks at Margarita, who looks ahead, and then stops running. They know. Margarita says in voiceover: "Rob and Brennan are here. That’s not supposed to happen." Tears well up.

And Frank, the loving, warm husband that he is, takes his wife’s hand and urges her on. It is … A Moment. Smiling widely, they enter the throng, step on to the mat, and congratulate Rob and Brennan. In one of the takes they did, anyway.

Meanwhile, back at Ice Station Guido...

Joe and Bill get wake up refreshed, ready to sprint to the finish ahead of the others, and are greeted with a message stating the Rob and Brennan have crossed the finish line. They stand with mouths agape, even though they are 24 hours behind. Bill immediately gets ugly. "I’m glad THEY won," he says. He then blathers on about how much he and Joe have learned and how they’ve changed and how fantastic it is to be stranded in Alaska when someone else wins the million bucks.

Frank and Margarita get a few moments of reflection, in which Margarita says: "It became so clear to me that it was this trip that was the fresh start for us. We started making real steps toward building something now and falling in love again." Frank looks like his dog died, but gamely adds, "Rob and Brennan may have won a million bucks, but we won a whole lot more."

We do not get to see their daughter, who lives blocks away.

Rob and Brennan offer some closing shots and quotes, and I realize the finish line mat has moved several times over a total distance of 100 yards or so. There are curious bystanders in the background, and I curse them for not logging on here months ago and spilling the beans.

For a final shot, we see all the contestants (in the continental U.S.) gather for one long wave goodbye.

And Phil does not say: "On the next Amazing Race…"

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So says Team Joisey.
(Be kind. It's long, but it's my first summary. And it was the last episode.)