Previously on The Amazing Race: A fatal error costs the Festers precious moments as they race team Guido to the pit stop in Beijing. The evil twins arrive first, squealing and jumping up and down like little girls. Minutes later, the frat brothers arrive and we hear those dreaded words: “Drew and Kevin, You have been eliminated from the race.” The music stops, Drew hangs his head in despair, and for a moment, the world falls silent.

Episode 12
The Amazing Race: On its Last Leg

A long line of black stretch limos goes by as a funeral dirge wails sorrowfully in the background. Dozens of Amazing Race fans sob uncontrollably, some tear their hair out screaming “Down with the Guidos! You killed our boys!” The tragedy can be felt all over Beijing. But the race must continue without them.

Frank and Margarita leave the pit stop first and immediately begin fighting. Apparantly Marge had the audacity to make a move without consulting Frank. He’s pissed; she’s baffled. Nine minutes later the lawyers leave too, both teams race frantically to ... a hotel? That’s right, Tiantan Park, where they must find a clue attached to one of three kites doesn’t open for several more hours, so the first task becomes finding “digs to sleep in.” Yawn.

Brennan to Camera: “Right from the beginning, the main goal that Rob and I had was to finish the race; now it’s time to focus on the victory.” He’s cute and profound? No way!

Frank to Marge: We need to communicate. You can’t just make decisions without consulting me. Wait, suddenly Frank is the communication expert? Did I miss something? Since when is “Just do it!” anything more than a Nike slogan? Apparently Frank’s idea of communication is him barking orders and Marge nodding in agreement.

Early the Next morning both teams head to Tiantan Park to find the kites with the clues. Frank and Margarita find it right away, but the Ambiguously Gay Duo almost tackle a kite flyer who knows nothing about a clue or this stupid race. Uh oh. Finally, Rob and Brennan also find the kite-clue and all head off toward the Great Wall.

Each team must travel by bus, not tourist bus where someone might actually speak English and be able to help them, but by public bus. Rob gets frustrated with a Chinese speaking cabbie “No! We no take cab. We take bus.” What is it about these guys? They get to a foreign country and immediately revert back to the communication skills of a four year old? What Rob, you think if you drop some pronouns and articles that a CHINESE speaking cabbie will all of a sudden understand you? Dork!

Cue the dramatic music! This must mean something exciting is about to happen, right? Wrong. Frangarita makes it to the Great Wall first, but begin jumping fences back and forth looking for the “lower level”. This puts them behind, and the lawyers take the lead. No amount of sweeping crescendos can make this boring task worth watching.

The next clue is a detour, and in case none of us know what a detour is by now, host Fill fills us in once again. Flat or steep? Rob and Brennan go steep, huffing and panting up to a pavilion where they get the news that they must get to a Bed and Breakfast four thousand miles away in “Alaska Baby!” These guys are a fountain of profundity.

Frangarita also go steep, Frank way out in front of Marge. They’re fighting again, not in that charming Festerish way either, but in the scary restraining-order Ike and Tina kind of way. He tells her to wait here, “BECAUSE I SAID SO.” Which, in my mind is always a good reason to do what someone says.

Marge: What’s his attitude about?

I don’t know sister, but you married him.

On the way to the airport, it suddenly sinks in that the lawyers are actually in a race. Rob, sucky ping-pong player and Rick Springfield impersonator says: “Dude, it’s just like, I dunno, like, we could actually, ya know, win this thing.”

Their complete inability to say anything interesting at all leaves me depressed and groggy. It’s a long ride to the airport folks. Either listen to the Lawyers say nothing of any importance at all or overhear the Ike and Tina road show.

Frank goes on to insult Margarita even further: “If we had listened to you, we would have been out of the race a long time ago.” Boy, this couple sure is endearing, aren’t they? I mean, I want a relationship as rock-solid as theirs.

The ambiguous due makes it to the airport where they put their awesome communication skills to the ultimate test. “Pllllleeeeeeaaaaaasssseeeee!” They beg, “We reeeeeaaaaallllllyy neeeeeeed to get on this flight! Pllllleeeeeeaaaaase!” Folks, let us not forget that these two morons are attorneys and must argue for their clients. Would you want them to defend you with this pathetic spiel?

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Finally, Brennan’s begging pays off and he and his honey are allowed on a flight to San Francisco, which will take them to Seattle and ultimately Anchorage Alaska.

After a perfectly awful cab ride to the airport, Frank insists on his change when paying the cab driver. “C’mon it’s just a dollar, let’s go” yells Marge.
Suddenly, Terry Bradshaw appears. “Just a dollar! There’s a lot you can do with a dollar”
“Like what?” Asks Marge.
“Well, you can get ten minutes of free long distance.”
“You mean I can call my friends in the states with that dollar?” Frank asks as he holds the cabbie by his collar.
“No” Terry answers, “you don’t have any friends.” He then turns to Marge. “But you can call your attourney for that dollar.”

Back in Beijing, the evil twins prepare to rally from behind <hee hee>.

And on our show today folks, we’re going to show you how to pack it in tight, Guido style. The trick is to roll, not fold.

Blonde Guido: Everyone loves to see an underdog win.
Here’s a clue pal, Momily was an underdog. You, are under-developed, under-handed, and under-subpoena by Nancy’s attourney, but you are definitely not an underdog.

And in a funny moment of irony, the evil twins don their identical black hats and old, western-style music begins to play in the background.

The Guidos set off to do the same boring shit as the other teams did the day before.

Frangarita and the ambiguous duo touch down in Alaska and we get yet another pearl of wisdom from the lawyers “Alaska is cold.” Each team finds their SUV and a clue telling them to go to the North Country Bed and Breakfast in Scotty Lake.

Frank and Marge take the lead because (neener neener nanny goat) the lawyers are stuck at the back of the plane. They make their way to the B&B, and Marge has this to say: “We’re really close right now. We’re being very respectful of one another and it’s nice to feel so warm with each other.” Cut to a shot of Frank’s psycho game-face.

Huh? Is there some footage that is sitting on the cutting room floor somewhere? I watched the damn tape about four times to see if I had nodded off and missed their beautiful reconciliation. Nope, it’s just Marge being the typical victim.

Onward to the B&B
The Turners show up to their “Bed and Breakfast”, which is really an ice fishing shack to find the next clue, “Sleep here for the night (watch out for the icy hole in the middle of the floor) and get tossed in the morning.” The Lawyers speed down dark, icy roads, and I can’t help but wish they skid off the road and into a snow bank. They don’t. It turns out to be one big ole’ happy slumber party in the ice fishing shack.

The next morning, Frank gets tossed by the locals, but not hard enough IMO. He finds the flag and the next clue is a roadblock. They must head to Matanuska Glacier 100 miles away. The lawyers are hot on their heels.

Upon reaching the glacier, Rob and Frank don climbing gear and race up an ice wall. Rob slips a couple of times. “Come on Wall!” he urges the wall. The wall laughs hysterically at him in return. Frank struggles as well while Marge urges him on “You can do it honey!” Did anyone else want to see her treat him like this: Just do it you big dickhead! God! You can’t do anything right! But he makes it up the wall a few moments behind Rob. He’s exhausted and there’s something on his face. What is it? Is that egg? My, my Frank, there’s something else you suck at besides being a husband. How delicious, how absolutely wonderful! Sure, you can score a few points at ping-pong – against a kid, but you are a sucky, sucky ice-wall climber!

The final clue is to have a snowmobile race to the musher’s cabin where they will have …a pit stop? Sorry spoilers – no dog sled race. Hell, they don’t even get to drive the snowmobiles themselves. No, they simply sit back and enjoy the ride.

Then it occurs to me what’s been bugging me about this show. It is neither Amazing, nor is it a race! It’s the travel channel on speed! Ooh look, the Eifel tower! Over there, the Great Wall! It’s cabs, airports, and rickshaws, oh my!

Rob and Brennan arrive minutes before Frangarita.

Rob: Smell that dude?
Brennan: The first who smelled it was the one who dealt it buddy!
Rob: No, it’s victory dude, and it’s one leg away.
Brennan: You still let one loose Pal. You can’t deny it!
Rob: I’m trying to be inspiring here dude. Shaddup!

Frangarita: We’re gonna win.
Lawyers: We’re gonna win.
The Guidos: It’s gonna be dramatic when we win. They then enter the ice shack vacated by the other teams 24 hours before.

Next time on the Amazing Race: Frank and Margarita worry about Rob and Brennan. Rob and Brennan worry about Frank and Margarita, but should they ALL be worried about Joe and Bill?

Naaaaaaaaaaahhh!

Thanks to all who went before me, providing me with all the material I could possibly steal.