It's my first time. Be gentle.

I've got to admit. I was a bit worried last week, back when Team Guido did a very stupid thing, and I pondered the concept of doing a summary to the first "Amazing Race" episode without everyone's favorite bastards. It was intimidating--would anyone care anymore? Would I be able to find any humor in the likes of Frank and Margarita or the Festers? Doubtful. My first official summary and it was already cursed.

Thankfully, Guido survived and my pulse returned to normal. But I really shouldn't have worried. And as episode 10 aired, my pulse kept going down, pumping slower and slower until I was in a coma that only a Garth Brooks concert could get me out of to change the channel.

I'll keep this short and simple. Nothing happens in "The Amazing Race" Episode 10. There is no real drama, nobobdy gets eliminated, no team positions change, and nobody cheats. It is a non-episode.

Let's start at the beginning. It's a very dull place to start.

"Last time on the Amazing Race," our fearless host Phil Koegan (who's kind of like a less-smarmy Jeff Probst) begins, "Things happened. People walked by tigers. Momily and Guido dropped coins into some bowls. Guido won the fast-forward but then did something so inexplicably dumb that the producers had to come up with some sort of excuse to keep them in the show, because they were our Richard Hatches and this thing is really boring without a villain. So they came up with some fake 'rule' that never seemed to be enforced before and Momily got a 24-hour penalty. They were getting really annoying anyway."

"But now the Guidos are so far behind that there's no way in hell they can ever catch up. They are now 27 days behind the other teams, and may be at the next pit stop by the time 'The Mole 2' returns to the air. Their only hope is a secret hidden time machine located somewhere on a remote Australian village powered entirely by ears of corn. Look, nothing happens this episode. Why don't you switch to 'Special Unit 2' on UPN? That's got a dwarf in it."

Of course, the key words (which, well, actually appeared in the episode) here are "Which team will place last... TONIGHT?"

We know by this that a) Team Guido will catch up a bit, and b) this isn't an elimination round. Snore.

Alpha Male Strike Force departs first, activating their Alpha Male powers and choose to climb some rocks instead of taking a hike in order to gain some time. On their way, something unusual happens--Brennan speaks. Most people don't realize this, but there are actually two people on Rob's team. The other one is Brennan, who has said less on this show than Nick did on 'Survivor.' Hell, he's said less on this show than either Daryl did on 'Newhart.'

What did he say? Beats me, it wasn't that interesting anyway.

Frank and Margartita are right behind them. They also choose to climb rocks, and Frank finally has an outlet to use all that knowledge he got by watching 'Vertical Limit.' He gives Margarita lots of valuable advice, like "Use your legs," "hold on to something before you pull yourself up" and "climb!" His best bit of advice comes in the form of the phrase "don't talk, just concentrate." Tragically, this is the "do as I say, not as I do" kind of advice. He then calls her a "girl" and a "wuss."

If these two actually do get back together, Margarita can look forward to a lifetime of having meals every day with the background of "Margarita, eat! Put the food in your mouth! Okay, now chew! No, wait, take the fork out first--TAKE THE FORK OUT FIRST! Okay, chew! Chew... slower.. good... don't swallow yet.. Okay, swallow! Shallow NOW!" Ike and Tina Turner seemed more compatable.

Alpha Males and F&M get their detour done quickly and make it to the road block, which involves one of them paddling a canoe to find another destination and some scuba gear. Rob bruises his finger a little and spends about twenty minutes complaining, even after Brennan lovingly bandages him up. It's all very sweet.

Okay, these two teams are so far ahead and these segments are so dull (despire what the host and editors seem to be trying to make you think) that I'm just going to skip over them entirely. Frank gets loud, Margarita rolls her eyes, and both teams get to the destination (after a brief scuba trip off of, um, Chicken Island) 17 weeks ahead of everyone else.

The Festers leave next and make it to the rock climbing expedition in time, despite their brilliant analysis that their looking for "the king" means seeking out Elvis. They have to take a boat there, and spend svereal minutes poking fun at each other's weight. "You're a Big Mac under 260," says one Fester. "I'm a Matza Ball under 240!" claims the other.

We're rooting for THESE GUYS?

They're redeemed in my mind, however, from this little bit of snippy dialogue that might well be in a David Mamet comedy:

Fester 1: I'm not a big fan of climbing.
Fester 2: How do you know? You've never climbed before.
Fester 1: That's why I've never done it before, because I'm not a big fan of it.

Sheer genius. Anyway, they do the task but can't do the canoeing because the canoe place is closed.

Team Guido, a good half-hour into the show and now four years behind the Alpha Males, finally leaves the pit stop. They can't do the rock climbing thing as it's too late, so they have to stay in a hotel. Meanwhile, one Fester bleeds and the other makes fun of him. Feel the excitement.

(The editors keep cutting back to the exciting race between F&M and the Alpha Males, trying desperately to make it exciting. Their efforts fail miserably, as it makes about as much difference in the long term as a baseball game between Baltimore and Tampa Bay.)

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Morning comes. Team Guido chooses to climb like everyone else, determined to "complete this and win it in our own special way." Bill explains what a great team they are, and how watching each other do amazing things just "makes yout heart burst." Then Joe's heart bursts and this depresses Bill, who is reminded of the time he had a heart, before he traded it to the devil for some questionable fashion sense.

Meanwhile, the Festers are canoeing. Curiously, their weight changes to "198" and "215" pounds at this point, which is a great advertisement for rock climbing for weight loss.

The Festers eventually get to the Chicken Island snorkelling portion of the program (they make chicken noises to celebrate) and dive in. One of the Festers, unfortunately, is wearing flesh-colored shorts that stick very closely to the skin, so it looks.. like..

um...

Never mind the Festers. In fact, let us never speak of the Festers again, as they manage to get to the pit stop--surprise--before Team Guido. But we know that this isn't an elimination round, so it's really hard to care.

Nothing exciting happens for the rest of the show, perfectly complimenting the nothing that's been happening in the first 45 minutes. The Guidos try to barter with a boat driver to "do a favor for a friend," but the driver has seen the show and will have none of that. The Guidos make it to the pit stop, last, and claim their spirits are high. Meanwhile, the Alpha Males have won and are currently enjoying their second week of celebrations, and Frank and Margarita have been divorced, remarried, and separated again.

NEXT TIME on the AMAAAAAZING RACE!: Guidos and Festers competing for last place! Frank gets annoying! And, because you demanded it, the return of EXPLOSIVE SCENES WHERE PLAYERS WAIT AROUND AN AIRPORT!

Special Unit 2 has a dwarf.