Previously on the Amazing Race… five teams set out from India and traveled over 5000 miles to Malaysian Borneo…
Millie and Chuck fought and cried…boo hoo
Reichen and Chip came out of the closet… quelle surprise!
Kelly and Jon were just losers, unfortunately it was only figuratively as in had been a non-elimination round
…who will be eliminated…next! Oh crap, you know what that means when Phil says "next" don't you. Another non-elim.

We begin:

From the pit-stop at Sandukan, Borneo the Clown are the first to depart at 2:05 am followed closely by the Chipendales. Teams must travel to Poring Hot Springs where they'll have to walk a series of bridges over 100 feet of the ground. Well wasn't it lucky that almost everyone had a fear of heights in the bio.

Millie and Chuck are third to depart at 2:19 am. Guess Chuckie didn't suck quite as bad as he looked at the spear throwing in episode 8. Millie complains that they have had a lack of sleep due to "talking, planning, and strategizing". Hell that's their problem! If they just had sex, Chuckie could roll over and fall asleep. They run to grab a taxi and Chuckie is wearing his little miner's cap flashlight. I have a flashback as I remember a former gynocologist who'd wear one of those and have a spasm of horror.

The Goats leave at 2:50 am.

Les Miserables leave at 3:36 am. Wow, she really did suck at the spear-throwing thing. The beauty of editing.

Following a scenic Malaysian moment, driving past cows sleeping on the road, the Chippendales arrive at the hot springs at 5:02 am. They find out that the gates don't open until 6:30 am. The Clowns, the Goats and Up-chuck also arrive shortly. At 6:30 the gates open and it is a mad dash to the route marker. Sadly, Les Miz are not there yet <tee hee>. Millie leads off in the frantic way she does everything and dashes across the suspension bridges like there is no tomorrow. The rest of the wusses, tip-toe across the bridges to get the next clue which reads "Drive yourself to the Trusidus Palm Oil Plantation". Another round of frantic dashing ensues.

Les Miz arrive at the hot springs and Jon, once again showing what an upstanding citizen he is, decides to take a leak right beside his cab. Canada Girl…how many drinks was that worth? As they are entering the park, they hear everyone else leaving and decide to not actually look for a sign, but just walk around aimlessly <tee hee>.

The Goats get to their car first and obviously have some mean morning breath as their car fogs up beyond belief. The Chippendales and the Clowns used a little know instrument known as the 'defog' button and "voila" they could see. They pass the Goats and Up-Chuck.

The Goats are still in a fog when I hear a lot of beeping. Must be an alarm, oh no, it is just tall goat dude using some interesting vocabulary. Short goat dude says "Dude, you gotta lose the attitude". Don't know about you, but it always cheers me up when someone points out my bad attitude.

Millie starts to get sleepy. Oh yeah, too much talking and strategizing going on last night. <Wink, wink, nudge, nudge>

Meanwhile Les Miz are still lost <tee hee>. The speak sweet nothings to each other. Kelly: "You idiot!" Jon: "Kelly, Move.Your.Ass.Now!". <sigh> Ain't love grand? Kelly decides that they have no choice but to go for the fast forward. They are supposed to drive to the Sepilock Orangutan Sanctuary and feed four pieces of fruit to the orangutans. Les Miz, muse that surely nobody else would be going for the fast forward.

Meanwhile Reichen is having a little difficulty navigating and realizes that they are on the wrong road and are actually on their way to the fast forward. Oops! Flash over to Les Miz who are stressing over whether anyone else would go for the fast forward <tee hee>.

The Clowns are the first to arrive at the next route marker. It's a detour. Chop or Haul. Chop - chop down palm nut bunches with envelopes attached. For every one clue, there are three empty envelopes. Haul - load 25 palm nut bunches in a truck. The Clowns decide to haul. They love every minute of it as the palm nuts are prickly and "make you bleed like crazy". Eventually they get the clue: "Drive yourself to Gomantong Caves" 35 miles away.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Back on the road, Up-Chuck is lost and asking locals for directions. Millie, use the paper thing you were given with the pretty pictures of rivers and roads on it, okay hon? Give ya a little hint…Never Eat Shredded Wheat. Works for me every time!

The Goats arrive at the detour and cannot find the clue box. It's that green thing with wheels with the Yellow and Red flag on the side ya airheads! They decide to haul as well, but for some reason they play boomerang with the palm nuts. No, put the palm nut in the the truck and keep it there. Finally they figure it out.

The Chippendales arrive at the FF where they will have a 20 minute hike to the orangutans. They marvel at the beauty of the surroundings. Bottoms Up fellow drinkers.

Up-Chuck finally arrives at the detour and fight over which to do. First they haul, then they chop, then they realize they are complete losers and go back to haul. Millie says "I make him feel anxious and worried and frustrated". What about aroused and excited and frisky? Could this be a part of the problem?

Reichen and Chip find the orangutans. Finally peeps! We have always wondered were sequesterville was…now we know. Those weren't really orangutans…did Jerry Bruckheimer think we'd fall for that. I could have sworn that one of the so-called orangutans had a smokers cough just like Jaree. Reichen even gave it away when he marveled that the so-called orangutan had hands like a man's. Oh yeah…looked a little like Josh's hands to me! The Chippendales win the FF and get to drive directly to the pit stop at the Sepilock Nature Resort. Reichen is sorry that he can't stay longer. Oh yeah, Reichen, you might be there in sequesterville before you know it.

Millie and Chuck are still hauling nuts or something like that…they are boring me. Oops, Millie almost tripped again. Slow down girl! Do you ever get the feeling that Millie was one of the kids in school that got little pills at lunch time and had trouble sitting still during quiet time?

Les Miz arrive at the FF to discover that it has been taken <tee hee>. They share another couple of tender moments as he tells he "Kelly _____ yourself". To tell you the truth, I didn't catch what it was he said, but boy did she go through the roof. She looses it and gives him a flurry to the solar plexis.

Up-Chuck are lost again. They drive right past the sign for the caves….the wrong way!

Les Miz continue to have happy thoughts. They figure Millie must have convinced the Clowns to steal their FF so that Kelly and Jon would be eliminated. Hey…that's a good idea, why didn't you do that Millie?

Clowns are the first to arrive at the caves. Roadblock: "It's time for the ladder part of the race". Did I already mention how great it was of CBS to cast people with a fear of heights? Teams have to climb a ladder that rises 50 feet over the cave floor and is covered in bird pooh. Sounds like fun huh? Clown Jon thinks so. He whips up that ladder, gets the clue and whips down again before you know it. The clowns read the clue that tells them to get to the pit stop. No…."The last team to arrive will be eliminated". They are really setting us up for the non-elimination.

As the Clowns leave, the Goats arrive and they high-five, bump chests and speak in unintelligible man-speak. Tall goat climbs the ladder.

Up-Chuck are lost. Am I repeating myself?

Les Miz have headed back to the first route marker and are hauling some nuts. Once again, a fine display of skills. They load the nuts but cannot fine the corresponding truck to their wheelbarrow. The big spray painted '5' on the side of the truck didn't even give it away. Kelly asked " How are we so stupid". Okay, confess…how many of you answered Kelly? Jon decides to try the chop and after two tries gets a clue.

More lost Up-Chuck. They realize that they spent an hour to go right back to where they started.

Les Miz and Up-Chuck arrive at the caves at the same time. Race On! Chuck and Jon both hustle up the ladder while the girls screech below. It's too much for Millie who needs her inhaler. Chuck gets the clue first but has trouble going down. Infer what you wish.

The Clowns are #2 at the pit stop.

Road race between Kelly - Jon and Millie - Chuck to the finish. Les Miz have already been to Sepilock once today <tee hee, losers>. Chuckie thinks they can been Les Miz if it’s a foot race.

The Goats are # 3 at the pit stop.

Millie starts to cry. Chuckie has some trouble with his stick. Shift that is.

Kelly doesn't think that she can beat Millie in a footrace as she has leg deformity that she has never shared with the world. "I've got these long, gangly legs, they don't move like her short stubbs."

Both cars arrive at the Sepilock Nature Resort…. Is it a footrace or is it the power of editing? Wide shot as someone is running…who? Damn its Kelly and Jon. Les Miz are # 4 at the pit stop.

Whew…thank goodness we already know this is a non-elim. But wait…somebody cue'd the sad music. This is a non-elim isn't it? Millie and Chuck slide up to the mat and Phil tells them they are the last to arrrive, pause, and they have been eliminated. What?! Have CBS played a trick on us?!

Flush that Up-Chuck away.