Previously on The Amazing Race, six teams set out from a Gateway P.C. in India somewhere in dirty nasty Mumbai and traveled nearly 1000 millimeters (on my globe) to Vernacular Junction, where Tian and Jaree caught the cab ride from hell. Kelly and Jon got nasty over Millie’s extra facial appendage. The road block introduced teams to Indian style bull racing. Tian had trouble holding on to the rigid pole (insert lesbian joke), but eventually succeeded. Luckily, her expensive boobery gouged through the obscene muck with barely a scratch. It all came down to a head to head battle among the homosexuals before Tian and Jaree were eliminated.

“Five teams remain,” says Phil, “who will be eliminated… next?”

AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!!

A real fan of the show (one woman named Trudy in Wisconsin) will stay tuned, but the rest of the world reaches for the remote. “Keee-rist, Thelma! There’s no Philimination tonight! … What’s on that new Spike Lee channel?”
But can I change the channel? Hell no! I watch so you don’t have to.

Opening sequence blah blah blah who the hell are David and Jeff blah blah blah and then commercials. Kodak wants us to know that they have finally learned to print photos, a process they call PerfectTouch. I hope its a big improvement over CrappyAutomation. Next: A little girl has left a suspicious yellow syphilitic-looking smear on the linoleum floor, and Mom smiles about it. Mom’s got the Swiffer Wet, which is scientifically proven to be Wet and Swiff. Speaking of wet, we get a Luvs diaper commercial with Ultra Leakguard, which offer a money back guarantee. There’s a returns desk that’s a lot of fun. Jason Alexander for KFC, apparently short for Killing Funny Careers, doing mock interviews with people paid to remember him. Next, welcome to Wal-Mart, where the customer is always first, unless you are at the back of the line at the one register that is open. In case ANYONE is still watching, they show a commercial for BigBrother4, which seems to be more interesting than the upcoming TAR… then a house ad for Charlie Sheen’s next failure, “The Odd Couple and an Annoying Kid,” which proves there are no new ideas in network television.

Did you read this far hoping for some information about The Amazing Race?? Here’s a short version: Five teams leave one place, do some idiotic stuff while sniping at each other, and then go somewhere else, where everyone arrives with a smile.
NO ONE IS ELIMINATED!!
No one is eliminated.
No. One. Is. Eliminated.

Now the long version. It is long, but only because I care so deeply. I know the rest of you changed the channel already.

We begin in IgottaPee, India on the shores of HakunaMatata Lake, the seventh pit stop. Phil explains the mandatory rest period, which ought to be like kindergarten nap time, but instead we are treated to shots of the racers wandering around, eating, sleeping and mingling with the other teams.

Kelly has not yet heard the BIG SECRET, because she’s wearing short shorts and perching on a deck chair with her knees higher and wider than her shoulders. She’s flaunting her crotch at Reichen’s teammate, and really, how could he not notice? Why does he turn away?
Sorry you idiotic ho… they’ll be no Chip in your cookie tonight.

But why, why can’t Kelly attract Chip’s attention? Shhhh… it’s a secret! Why, that boy is gay!! Queer. Homasexshul. And shhh, no one knows!!!

A little dinner conversation about true love. Reichen declares his love for the dewy-eyed Chipster on this, their one year anniversary. Admitting to his hell-damning abberation has brought America’s finest flyboy to tears, but the rest of the teams are sitting there looking bored and nodding politely. When he finishes most of the others applaud (“Finally, he stopped talking about himself!”). Chuck looks uncomfortable and does not applaud. He’s still trying to figure out where his own penis belongs, and can’t grasp the two-penis thing. Or perhaps he has no penis. That would explain quite a bit.

Chuck and Millie tell the group that they’ve been dating 12 years and declare they are still virgins, which surprises the others far more than Chip and Reichen’s secret butt love. Kelly and Jon admit they just got engaged but have been living in sin for years. Showing some of his usual class, Jon brags they had sex the first week.

In case you are just joining us, Jon is a Neanderthal cretin asshole of the highest rank. This is a guy so stupid he went to Rutgers to play sports. The worst college athletic program in the country. He’s declared that a women’s orgasm is a lot of work, but one a week keeps ‘em from bitchin. He’s told us eels feel like a slippery penis. He continually mocks the other contestants, and is fixated on Millie’s mole. Last week on the train he invited other men to fondle his fiancee’s ass. I challenge anyone to find a single redeeming quality in this freak of nature. He is a crime against nature, a sin against God. He is from Noo Joisey.

I digress. (and not for the last time, I assure you.)

With all this frank sex talk going on, Chuck sits with his arms crossed so tightly he looks like he’s been straitjacketed. We know he’s fighting off a werewolf transformation. He gives Millie a dirty look for enjoying the conversation. Apparently she has just learned that orgasm need not be a solo event.

David (OK, maybe Jeff) goes into confession mode to tell us that the race “is not about your sexual preference (Reichen) or whether you are a virgin (Chuck) or not (Millie), or you’re a whore in the bedroom (Kelly). Its about two people working together and taking advantage of the strengths that they have.” Bold words from a guy who can’t successfully shave his face. From a team that couldn’t get out of the Dodger Stadium parking lot. A team that can’t find a single clue box without Uncle Cameraman firing a pistol over their heads.

Nappie time is over, and David and Jeff depart at 4:02 a.m. They are to go to Coat of Many Colors, Malaysia, nearly 5,000 millimeters across my globe. They have to get to a native village where they will find their next clue. And oooh, look! They have $120 bucks for this leg. Why do they tell us this? No one ever gives an accounting of the cash spent, so there is no way for us to know who has spent money wisely. Unless someone is peddling their pootie in the airport lounge, (that’s you, Paige) or too cheap to rent a flophouse (stand up, Zach), we never give a damn about the money. So, Jerry, shut up about it already.

Jeff says he’s worried about the clowns being right on his ass. (Was he listening at dinner? It's Reichen and Chip who are chasing your ass, surfboard!) Why do the clowns make him nervous? Because Barnum and Bailey depart at 4:06 a.m., wearing blue plastic tarps and headband flashlights. They look like Smurf Miners. Give them back those red noses, and it’s a scary thing.
Cannonball Clown sits in the cab wondering where the hell Malaysia is, and finally realizes that it is east of India. Hello, bullet brain!!! Has anyone pointed out the race goes AROUND the world? He’s been traveling east since Los Angeles, and just now he figures that out? So help me God, I wish these guys were mimes.

Kelly and Jon depart at 4:16 a.m., and Jon is wearing a shirt that has an outline of Texas and the “Texas is for lovers” slogan. (Just another subtle reminder that Kelly gave it up in the first 20 minutes of the first date. Yeah, I know, she waited this time cause he was so special.) Millie and Chuck depart, also at 4:16 a.m. followed by Chip and Reichen at 4:17. Like the others, they get into taxis and race for Cochin Airport. There is only 15 minutes separating all five teams, and half a world of bunching to come, but they are urging their cabbies to play demolition derby all the way to the airport counter. Help me, Lord. Must this pass for drama on a night when NO ONE IS ELIMINATED?

When they arrive at the airport, most teams leave the international terminal for the domestic terminal, hoping to catch a flight to Mumbai and find a flight to Malaysia from there. The secretly gay team stays in the international terminal and attempts to book an Air India flight to Bombay (uh, that’s Mumbai) and then on to Kota Kinabalu. This is all done in some glass office cubicle. When Millie and Chuck arrive she moves in to try and hear what’s going on. (Chuck, after hearing what they do to each other, is not moving up behind Chip or Reichen.) It’s a lot of secret stuff, having other people tell you which plane to get on, and Reichen tries to shut the door so Millie can’t eavesdrop. She keeps her foot in the door and listens anyway. Eventually, the door closes, and Reichen wins another petty doorway battle. What is it with this guy and back doors?? And did it ever occur to these circle jerks that in 3 minutes Millie is going to ask the clerk to put her on the same flight?

Over at the domestic terminal the other groups are buying tickets to the next bunching spot, the Mumbai airport. A few locals wedge their way in front of Jon, and he has a hissy fit over five square inches of counter space.

Back over at the international terminal, the ever-helpful clerk tells Chip they can’t actually purchase tickets for this elaborate interconnecting scheme, because he needs to go to the domestic terminal to get a flight to Mumbai. Millie and Chuck realize they need to be in Mumbai and head for the domestic terminal as well. That’s 12 minutes of wasted airtime. But why count? I assure you, they waste the whole hour.

Over at the domestic terminal, David/Jeff, Kelly/Jon and Jon/Al all get seats on an 8:30 Jet Airways flight to Mumbai. Millie and Chuck arrive arguing and get this flight information from Jugglin’ Jon.

Chip tries to book a flight from Madras (home of the Jackets) to Koala Lampoon Malaysia, but fails. A sleazy travel agent appears and offers to get them the tickets they want if they come back to his office, an hour away. Failing to recognize this deathtrap, the pair jump in a cab. Reichen sheepishly admits that, “if this works, we could actually get in before the other teams get in. If it doesn’t work, we could be eliminated.”

Not true, flyboy. NO ONE IS ELIMINATED!

The 8:30 flight leaves for Mumbai on time with all the other teams aboard. Reichen and Chip arrive at nowhere, and find no travel agency at the address, just a guy with a cell phone. They are displeased.

Commercials…
The Terminator said he’d be back, but he never promised a new plot. Instead he’s brought product placement, specifically a Toyota truck perfect for those melt-the-futuristic-killing-machine-from-the-future picnics that we all enjoy; Sprint guy attends a seaside 10-step class for cell phone morons. (Sadly, no tsunami.); Firemen are lousy cooks, so they need Gas-X to get rid of a bulging red ET effect from their bellies; Pizza Hut is giving away free DVDs with a pizza, furthering the career disintegration of such has-beens as Michael “Mr.Mom” Keaton; Keanu Reeves and Oscar winner Nicolas Cage; Energizer bunny morphs around in a battery; Crest Night Effects can whiten your teeth no matter who you sleep with, even if you bed down with overweight Labrador Retriever, or Kelly, or Tian and Jaree; Joe Pantoliano joins the Hair Club for Men to get a CBS series this fall where he is a pimp for the FBI; Brad Garrett from Everybody Loves Raymond tells us CBS cares, which comes as a surprise to me. If those rat bastards at CBS cared about ME they’d eliminate someone tonight!!

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Back to the show, where Chip and Reichen are still standing outside the locked door of “PL Worldways Limited.” It seems awful limited right now. Eventually the travel agent arrives and lets them into the office, where they quickly learn that the flight they need is completely booked. Chip begins to cry.

The other teams, the ones not stupid enough to leave the airport to find a plane, arrive in Mumbai and split up, each looking for the quickest way to Malaysia. Kelly and JoiseyJon and Werewolf and Mole all end up on the same small Air India plane to Singapore. Millie is forced to check the mole as baggage. Sideshow Jon uses his powers of hypnosis to book a direct flight to Kuala Lumpur. David and Jeff fly to Singapore on a different flight.

Through the masterworks at PL Worldways Limited, Chip and Reichen find a flight to Kuala Lumpur, and a connecting flight to Kota Kinabalu. They book it and off they go to Cochin Airport, where it is now dark when they arrive. Dark, as in nightfall. As in 12 hours after they arrived at Cochin Airport the last time. As in 10 hours since the other teams left Cochin airport in a plane bound for Mumbai.

The expensive CBS Doppler 9000 graphic shows us four lines leaving India and headed east. Reichen and Chip are way behind, but the line makes it seem as if they have a chance of surviving the episode. Which, of course, they will. Because… say it with me: NO ONE IS ELIMINATED.

Kelly and Jon arrive in Singapore at 12:15 a.m., as do Millie and Chuck. To offset Jon’s Texas shirt, Kelly’s wearing a T-shirt with the outline of Noo Joisey on it, and the slogan “New Jersey: Only the strong survive.” This is true. Most of the Neanderthals and morons are buried in the Meadowlands. Some of course, have been sent around the world on a good will tour. Kelly and Jon curl up to get a full eight hours of rest before their planned 10:05 a.m. flight.

Millie and Chuck can’t curl up together (must be the steel pole up his ass) so they wander over to the phones and begin looking for a better flight. She find one leaving at 8:40 a.m. and walks away leaving Kelly and Jon on the floor. Kiss my mole, you retards!

No, the Virgin Millie is a fine person, really.
The kind of girl you bring home to momma, but never in the back seat.
A real mole model for young girls.

David and Jeff catch up with Kelly and Jon in the Singapore airport, where JerkJon laughs at the way Millie was running around last night. Of course, he has no idea she left two hours earlier. He is an ass.

Millie and Chuck arrive in Kuala Lumpur, where Millie wants to move through the airport with some haste in order to make the connection to Kota Kinabalu. Chuck, who admits to being slow and deliberate, attempts to slow her down, which causes more friction between these two. (Verbal friction only. Please. These people are virgins.)

Suddenly, we are at a confessional. Millie and Chuck sit in front of a thatch of bamboo shoots, with sand and a sun-drenched ocean beach behind them. This is NOT India. Millie confesses that “I don’t think you can find two more completely opposite people.” Chuck says, “Everything that comes with this race, I hope marriage is not that.”
Millie says, “I want him to be happy. And if it’s not me…” and at this point she breaks into tears, lamenting the 3,383 sexless nights wasted on this jerk. Chuck gives a grim smile and a deep sigh, and we realize that these two have just broken up on national TV.

Relationship ruined!! It’s a TARdition!!!!
(Hmmm…. Where is Lennn-eeeeeeee right now? Tara? Zach?)

In the airport at Kuala Lumpur, Millie and Chuck spot Reichen and Chip, who gleefully points out that they have caught up and they are all stacked up again. Excuse me, Mr. Bruckheimer, but but didn’t they leave Cochin 15 hours behind everyone else?

These wastrels get on the same Kota Kinabalu flight with the hyperkinetic clowns. I check the time… 24 wasted minutes of my life that I’ll never get back.

Kelly/Jon and David/Jeff fly from Singapore to Kota Kinabalu, but the Doppler 9000 show us their little curvy line is moving slower than the Kuala Lumpur version. Sure enough the clowns, the same-sex-but-claiming-to-be-married couple and the no-longer-dating-he’ll-be-a-virgin-forever couple arrive in Kota and jump into cabs. They are headed for the Monsodium Cultural Village to get a traditional blessing and the next clue. Can we really be halfway through this episode without a Detour, a Roadblock a single clue or any other single interesting redeeming moment?

Yes.

Jon and Al slowly climb out of their cab, while Millie and Chuck jump out their barely-stopped cab and sprint past them into the village. (Back to Clown College for Remedial Small Car Escape!) Reichen and Chip have found a cab driver who can’t read, because he zooms past the entrance and then can’t turn around on the one way street. Chip fumes.

Inside the village, Millie and Chuck are terrorized by a 5,000 year old Malaysia woman armed with a leafy twig. These devout Christians fear a voodoo hex, when the only native ritual they need fear is the virgin sacrifice at the volcano. Of course, actual Christians would know better. The only real hex is appearing on this show and telling the world you can’t commit after 12 years. Millie and Chuck survive the native ritual, and receive a clue directing them to the boat jetty across town, where they must ride in a basket across a river while whining.

Jon and Al enjoy getting swept with the poison ivy, and find it soothing. It reminds Reichen of getting married to Chip, except they stroked each other with leather instead of wood.

Millie and Chuck arrive at the jetty and jump aboard a motorboat. Luckily, they don’t have to wait for Chuck to drive the damn boat or they’d be virgins another 12 years.
David and Jeff get anointed, and one of them observes that the princess reminds him of his grandmother. Kelly and Jon are the last to arrive at the village.

Millie and Chuck arrive at the next clue and find a Detour. Net or Trap: Pull fish from a small pen with a big net, or yank a lobster trap out of the water. This is where the producers ran out of money, imagination, or both.
Kelly and Jon get their leafy greeting, and the old woman strokes Kelly’s chest with the wet frond. Forget the spring break fantasy though. In a wet T-shirt contest, Kelly finishes behind Phil.

Millie and Chuck chose to do the lobster trap, and their boat driver takes them to the fishnet boat instead. This is the closest Chuck will ever get to Millie and a pair of fishnets, and he’s not so sure about that fishy smell. Jon and Al arrive at the lobster traps and use all their clown facial muscles to pull the trap from 20,000 leagues beneath the sea. Chip and Reichen also choose the lobster trap, cause it’s more physical and they want to show the world their mussels.

Back at the fishnets, Millie decides the best way to catch a fish is to think like one, so she jumps in the small tank with the fish. We are then treated to a shot of a soaking wet Millie climbing out of the tank with her shorts all clingy and transparent.

It seems she is not wearing any underpants, either. An estimated 1.6 million viewers worldwide have now seen more of her nether regions than Chuck. Moments later she is straddling the fish basket. Her legs are all muscular and taut, and you know, she’s not that bad looking when she’s soaking wet and excited, and straddling a fish basket and well, shot from the lower lip down.

Jon and Al haul up the trap and are the first to get the clue. It directs them to Mannequin Island, where they have to follow a path to the next route marker. Reichen and Chip also chose lobster, and end up at the fishnets. They jump back in the boat and tell the driver to take them to the lobster boats instead. They speed off and are soon yankin’ it. They are the second team to get the clue.

Millie and Chuck have been having a difficult time with the fish. Twice fish have flipped out of the basket and back into the tank. Eventually they have 10 fish. Millie lifts the basket, and promptly falls into the tank, spilling all 10 fish.

Commercials: A small sad blob for Zoloft; Kodak photo printing again; Red Lobster has crabs; Friskees cat food will counteract the effects of the Zoloft your cat found on the floor; Letterman; CSI repeat; promo for Cold Case, which is CSI, The Early Years; there is no traffic in the world if you drive an Infiniti SUV; Dawn has a new dishwashing liquid, Dawn Complete, replacing that Dawn Woefully Incomplete product they brainwashed you into buying just last week; Kia compares itself to Honda without ever really talking about their crappy car; a local TV news blurb…

Jon and Al race Reichen and Chip to Manukan Island, while Millie and Chuck finally collect the necessary 15 fish. That falling in the tank thing, where she spilled all the fish and gave us a reason to stay tuned? Didn’t matter. Surprise!

On Manukan Island we get the roadblock, which involves hitting three different targets with traditional Malaysian Weapons of Mass Destruction. First is the bow and arrow, then a blow pipe, and then a spear, then a limited thermonuclear device. I’ve got too many blowpipe jokes to list, but the general theme is that Kelly, Reichen and Chip should all do well here, while Millie’s skill would be of most interest. Naturally, she lets Chuck do the roadblock.

Phil tells us that once teams hit all three targets they can run down the beach and check in at the pit stop. Phil makes no reference to elimination. Gee, why not? Perhaps NO ONE IS ELIMINATED.

Jon the clown, (no, the professional clown), Chip and Chuck are all going head to head at the targets. Jon is first with the bow, and first with the blowpipe. Chip is second with the bow. Millie is worried that Chuck will go into a downward spiral and not be able to perform, but honey, they have Viagra for that now. Still, it takes Chuck 612 tries to put his lil arrow into the target.

Meanwhile David and Jeff (who?) chose the fishnets, but pull in 15 guppies and are sent back to try again. Kelly and Jon chose lobster traps but are having trouble pulling it up.

"Roar of the Greasepaint"Jon quickly moves ahead, but then spends a lot of time futilely tossing a spear. Eventually Chip joins him there and hits the target on the first try. Being shown up by a cream-filled twinkee infuriates Jon, who grabs a spear and scores on his next throw. Both teams are free to find the pit stop. Reichen and Chip head into the trees, while Jon and Al make a beeline for Phil at the end of the beach. Reichenand Chip see this, and they change course to follow the clowns. Believe it or not, Reichen is actually heard to say, “Hey, that’s not fair.” He calls to Jon to suggest they finish together, despite the fact that the clowns have a 100-yard lead in a 200-yard footrace. Inexplicably, the teams are greeted together. But the producers, and the sponsors, have gotten wise to this joint-finish thing. Phil tells them they have finished first and second respectively, and that Jon and Al have won a trip to Mexico. Reichen and Chip win the blowpipe.

Chuck completes the blowpipe task, David and Jeff are collecting fish, while Kelly and Jon tug on the lobster trap. David and Jeff finish the fish hunt, while Jon and Kelly fail at the lobster trap. Seems a skinny lil girl and a huge asshole can’t pull all that weight.

Commercials: Pizza Hut DVDs again; Mr. Peanut relaxed in front of the TV: Honda has too many crappy cars hanging around, so they are having a clearance sale, which requires a Post-It note on your TV; that energizer bunny thing again; Derek Jeter dances with George Steinbrenner because they love the Visa card; there’s a dog in the library looking up dog food facts when it starts raining Pedigree dog food (I had this dream once..); big Brother’s commercial is back, and it’s still better than this TAR episode; Promo for Analyze This coming Sunday…

Back to the lobster boat, and Kelly and Jon realize they cannot complete this part of the detour. They call the boat driver back and head for the fish tanks. They begin to catch fish, but Kelly freaks out when one jumps out of the basket, so she tries to sit on them in the basket. She’s been sleeping with Jon for years, so one more slimy cold fish flapping on her cookie won’t hurt.

Ever classy, Jon tells her farting on the fish won’t help. Eventually they collect enough fish and head to Manukan Island. David and Jeff arrive first and begin the Detour. As soon as they arrive, Chuck completes the final task. Millie tells him he did a good job, Chuck says it was awful. Chuck is correct. This doomed couple checks in third. The greeter is a very pretty young woman with an elaborate costume and very white but very crooked teeth. No one attempts to hug her, but she’s far more attractive than that fey little man in France. I’ll bet Tian would have given her a squeeze.

David completes the bow task while Jon and Kelly are still in the motorboat heading for the island. Jon says he’s betting on this episode being a non-elimination leg. As in NO ONE IS ELIMINATED. Oddly, he also says “we’re not losing, Kel” as in “we’re not losing, we are just finishing last.”

David and Jeff complete the third task and check in just as Kelly and Jon arrive. Beyond all reason, Jon says Kelly should do the target shooting. Jon stands behind her with moronic advice like “be the arrow” and she tells him to go away. Sadly, she does not fire an arrow into his chest. She says she want to hit the target to make Jon shut up, and he says yeah, make Jon shut up. Sure enough, she makes that very shot. But does he shut up? Of course not. It’s on to the blow pipe.

Did I mention Jon is totally without class? He’ll laugh like hell with his friends when they see him tell Kelly to grab the blowpipe, “Stick that thing in your mouth and just start blowin’ it.”

Though she’s skinnier than the spear, Kelly can blow with the best of them, and finishes the last two tasks quickly.
Or maybe not. Who cares. They are last.

Phil tells them this is the first of three predetermined non-elimination legs and they are still in the race. No one on the planet is surprised, but Kelly is so excited she high-fives Phil, and then the Malaysian greeter. The team from hell heads off to a nearby cottage, where Jon can be heard giggling and repeating, “Stick that thing in your mouth and just start blowin’.”

No actually, we get clips from each team talking about how tough the other teams are, and how much tougher things are gonna get.

Like in the good episodes.

Where they ELIMINATE teams.

************************************

The preview

Phil: “On the next episode of The Amazing Race, teams struggle to climb to the top position” (clip shows Jon the clown climbing a tall telephone pole sort of structure, while Jeff climbs a similar one nearby).
“A bad decision causes tension to boil over between Kelly and Jon” (they are seen walking in the woods, and down a dirt road where Kelly flaps her arm in disgust. Then they are in a cab where Jon tells Kelly to “go F*** yourself” and she responds, “What did you just say to me?” (Did I mention he’s an asshole?)

Phil: “…And a road race to the finish comes down to seconds.” We see Millie hurrying Chuck to a jeep, which he then drives. Jon the jerk driving while Kelly watches out the back window saying, “We can beat ‘em.” Then we see Jon the clown driving, and we get a shot of four Jeeps driving in a line.

Finally we see Reichen in his Jeep looking ahead. He is frustrated. He shouts “Crap!”

Which is what I said when this episode started.
Can I have that hour back? Please?