Previously on The Amazing Race…

(Author’s note: Due to an incident I will refer to only as “The Great TiVo disaster of ought-3”, I brilliantly managed to confuse my TiVo enough to cause it to not record last week’s episode. So this information was actually important to me for the first time ever. Not that it helped in any manner, though.)

7 teams set out from the set of Monty Python and the Holy Grail and traveled nearly 4700 miles to Mumbai (formerly Bombay), India, where they boarded the Bob Packwood Express. Tian and Jaree kissed and made up, while Kelly and Jon were bludgeoned with laundry to the point of diarrhea. The producers found yet more ways to humiliate Americans with fish in foreign lands. Monica and Sheree found that even in India, cabbies won’t stop for black folks. And in the end were sent home early, just like their Falcon husbands every Fall.

6 teams are left, who will be eliminated NEXT? (please let it be Tian and Jaree, please let it be Tian and Jaree…)

Alright, quick show of hands…Who’s still watching this Carnival of the Self-Absorbed? Well, I am, but only because I feel compelled…kinda the same way the Mormons feel compelled to document every human on the planet, even though 99.9% of them will have an afterlife filled with red-hot pokers up their arses. (At least so sayeth those teenage boys with the lovely nametags who wanted to talk about the “Moral Crisis in America” with me, but I was too busy watching “Cops” and smoking a fatty while my 21-month-old son was playing with his feces-riddled diaper that he had successfully removed from himself with the scissors I left on the floor. “Moral Crisis” indeed. What the hell do they know, anyway?) So for those of you obsessed with train wrecks, here’s what happened (kinda). Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

Mumbai, India. A city, according to Phil, of 18 million peeps crammed into an area roughly the size of my old apartment. Still, they have enough room for some ridiculously huge monument to eat up prime real estate. It’s here where our journey starts. (After the mandatory rest period of course. I said REST, dammit!!! I’m looking at you, Chuck. Don’t make me bust out the lullaby tape, cuz I will if I hafta.) Phil pontificates about Tian and Jaree’s continued teamwork, while biting a hole in his tongue to keep himself from laughing hysterically. He wonders about Jon and Al, the plucky clowns. Will they be able to pull themselves off the mat, or will they be fed to the tigers for lunch? He then looks for the nearest bridge to throw himself from. (Oh wait, that’s what I’d do if I were Phil; stuck trying to make these increasingly stupid and boring teams seem interesting. My bad.)

David & Jeff, who are so bland they should be doing photo spreads for the Sears Summer White Sale, despite their lame attempts at facial hair, are the first to leave at 12:51 am. They are to take the train from Panvel to Ernakulam, 860 miles away.

Jeff: We have a much better shot at winning because we’re using our brains now.

Memo to Jeff: you aren’t going to win because you’re using your brains. You’re going to win because anonymous, indistinguishable teams of white guys completely devoid of personality always win this race. It’s in the contract Bruckheimer signed with Satan.

Reichen & Chip, who, by all reports, are gay, though I have yet to see them generate anything remotely approximating gaiety, are the next team to depart. They approach the race and the other racers a lot like Sean Penn approaches the paparazzi, and with the same set of anger management skills. Matter of fact, Reichen looks like he could go Scanners with a slight change in barometric pressure. Christ, he gives me a headache just watching him.

Chip: Reichen has deferred to my judgment a lot in this race, and I’ve crapped the bed each and every time.

Odds are good that Reichen has an axe with Chip’s name on it.

David and Jeff hail a taxi driven by the India’s version of Captain Merrill Stubing.

Reichen, a step away from full Michael-Douglas-in-Falling-Down mode, micromanages the cabby about his fuel. The cabbie looks in his trunk for a shovel to club him with.

Kelly, a braying human skull with red hair and her fiancé, Jon, who got lost on his way to Paradise Hotel, where he could’ve been basking in the sun, alternately hurling insults at other brain-dead, Brylcream-wearing, shaved-down apes and wooing equally brain-dead, collagen/saline bag enhanced, self-esteem-lacking, trollops, and wound up here—grumpy and engaged to a woman he’d seemingly much rather throw into moving traffic, than spend one more second with (let alone listen to), leave next. Kelly talks about Jon’s selfishness, as if we needed a reminder. They decide to take a train to catch the train (well actually, they decide to take a taxi to the station to catch a train to the train station. Follow me?)

Millie and Chuck, who are virgins, depart next at 1:34am. Being a 28-year-old virgin is certainly something to hang yer hat on (and Chuck might as well, it’s not like he’s using it for anything else). They also have quick fuses and bicker a lot. Not that any of that is related to being sexually frustrated. Somewhere Dr. Freud is trying to claw his way out of his grave to examine this pairs of neurotics.

Tian, whose level of commitment to this race (and, by extension, her teammate) is roughly equivalent to Pam Anderson’s commitment to Kid Rock, and Jaree, whose voice has all the charm of someone who has been sucking on the end of a tailpipe since the age of 4, and who probably smells like the inside of Andrew Dice Clay’s camaro (a mixture of cigarettes, booze, and bad cologne, with a sickeningly sweet vanilla air freshener aftertaste), leave 5th.

Jon and Al, who are circus clowns—and easily the most normal of the remaining teams, depart last.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Kelly and Jon arrive at the train station (no, not that train station) and find that it doesn’t open until 4. They decide to get a hotel room. Jon thinks “Oh, great. She’ll probably want to have sex with me now.” So he puts Plan B into action.

Kelly: I want to get to the station at 6 to avoid rush hour.
Jon: That’s stupid.
Kelly: Yeah, well you’re not the one who got groped last time.
Jon: I don’t know why. I’m clearly hotter than you are. Besides, I don’t want to get up that early.
Kelly: Well then you’re going alone.
Jon: I wish.

Tian and Jaree’s cabbie, who has what looks like a prop from a Pink Floyd show on his dashboard, is driving down the wrong side of the road with his lights off. For the first time in the race, T&J feel at home.

Captain Stubing turns onto a dirt road, and pulls up to a broken down old shack. Something tells me this ain’t Panvel Station. Probably it was the lack of any sign of electricity in a 1000 yard radius. Apparently it’s the OLD Panvel station, which is now someone’s house. Someone, I might add, who was not very excited about having an American camera crew on his doorstep at 2 am. Stubing and D & J go to the NEW Panvel station, which looks like it was built about 30 years ago. I guess “new” is a relative term ‘round these parts. D&J are uncomfortable with the locals all staring at them. I suppose it never occurred to them that 2 white guys with a camera crew and what looks like an Indian manservant might make them feel a little ill at ease. D&J decide to get a room, but not before dissing the décor of the station. Classy move, guys.

Reichen & Chip, Millie & Chuck, and Tian & Jaree all arrive at Panvel station. All three teams sleep on the floor, but R&C have their “Space Blankets”. I’m not exactly sure what makes them “space” blankets, and thus different from regular blankets, but I’ll bet the guy at Sharper Image who sold them for $4,000 could tell you. Nevertheless, concrete is concrete, and it’s not much fun to sleep on, especially when you’re being watched by a pack of hungry dogs waiting for you to fall asleep so they can feast on your fattened American flesh. At least Tian and Jaree are safe. Dogs can smell silicon and know better than to put it in their bodies. Dogs 1, Humans 0.

K&J arrive at the very not busy commuter train station (Victoria Terminal) at 6:30, and Jon immediately starts in on Kelly about how she HAD to get there at 6:30, and WHOA, look at the rush hour. Too late girls, he’s taken.

Jon and Al, hoping to catch rush hour and to be fondled like an Arkansas campaign worker, board the 7:10 to Panvel station. They are disappointed when no one finds their love handles squeezably soft.

Meanwhile, back aboard the 6:38 train to Panvel, Kelly is uncomfortable. It seems that Jon posted fliers around the station inviting the locals to “Come See the Pretty American Girl Who Wanted to Drag My Ass out of Bed at 5 am!” So there they were with a train full of Indian men content to stare point-blank at Kelly’s nether regions. When no one gropes her, Jon obliges, then laughs his fool head off. I guess this passes for humor in Guidotown. Kelly is not impressed. Jon, still giggling like a chimp, places the remaining strands of his shriveled up sense of decency under the seat like a wad of stale chewing gum.

Both the 6:38 and 7:10 trains to Panvel arrive before the train for East Sasketchewan, or whatever, leaves. This, my friends, is called “Bunching”. It is inevitable, it is boring, and it pisses everyone who watches this dung-pile-of-a-show off. You take the high road, and I’ll take the low road, and I’ll be at the station in line with everyone else at exactly the same time. I’ll bet if one of the teams had chosen to ride a donkey from Mumbai to Panvel, they would’ve been able to catch the same train. I believe this has been coined “Guido’s Law”. Just another reason to hate their smarmy asses.

Everyone loads aboard the train to Ecuador, where there is an oppressive ass smell. Jon and Al inform us that it will be a 26-hour ride. Suicide becomes a very real option for all involved.

Time for a Map Update. We see the Asstrain headed to the ass crack of India: Ernakulam Junction, what’s your function?

Jon & Al, in a rare moment of clarity for this show, have a WWSD (What Would Sherps Do) moment, and decide to spend the 6000 rupees (or about $2.50) to upgrade to 1st class, where the gas is siphoned directly out of the passengers’ sphincters and funneled into coach. The rest of the teams, minus Millie and Chuck (since coach has all the byproducts of sex—heat, sweat, and funk—without the mess of actually having to, ya know, DO IT), follow suit. Ah, the spirit of Oswald and Danny lives on. Millie looks out the window to “see how the other half lives”. Millie is not very good with fractions.

Meanwhile back in first class, K&J and R&C, aka “The Cool Kids”, joke about Millie the Mole and Chuck the Werewolf. We get full explanations. They call Millie “The Mole” because she has a mole, and they call Chuck “The Werewolf” because he only thinks about sex during the full moon (and even then it’s mostly anthropological curiosity). Jon goes on and on about how the mole is growing. Chip plays “good guy” because he claims he’s never said “Millie Mole”. Kelly tries her damnedest to get him to say it. He laughs hysterically, but won’t say it. Chuck is now officially both a terrible judge of humor and a chicken-shit. So Kelly and Jon have to play their “Millie the Mole” game by themselves. Guys, stop…my sides! Whoo.

The train arrives at Emancipationproclamation Junction, and Jon and Al, sensing they’re in the ghetto, don do-rags to blend in. The teams have to ride up Hwy. 47 until they find a billboard with the red & yellow route marker and featuring a legless, smiling guy being pulled in opposite directions by 2 bulls. (Clearly he’s smiling because he won’t have to deal with the pain of watching this show anymore.)

All the teams hurriedly pile into taxis, except for R&C. They’re too busy obsessing about gas and reject somewhere between 5 and 20 taxis before Chip finally settles on an elderly, barefoot man, who probably took driver’s ed when horses were still involved in the test. (For those of you keeping score at home, that’s Karma 27, R&C 0.) Reichen will kill Chip in his sleep tonight.

Meanwhile back with the teams who have legitimate shots at winning, D&J find the marker first, force their cabbie to stop in the middle of the road, causing a 10 car pile-up behind them. They then run across 10 lanes of traffic, unfortunately without being hit, and retrieve the clue. It directs them to a local “sports” field in Alleppey. D&J are closely followed by T&J and J&A.

M&C’s cabbie needs to stop for gas, giving K&J the opportunity to pass and mock them yet again. I wouldn’t be surprised if Kelly & Jon spend their free time sitting around and reading the same knock-knock jokes that made them laugh in 2nd grade. Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he wanted to get away from your cheese asses, that’s why.

R&C are still dealing with their Flintstones cabbie. K&J and M&C find the markers.

R&C find the marker last, then proceed to get back into the same slow-moving, Bataan-Death-March cab. Elsewhere, Millie and Chuck’s cab begins to beep and smoke. The smoke & light show is going to cost them extra.

Chip, whose body is trying desperately to reject his simian brain, starts to speak exclusively in sentence fragments, like that’s going to break through the communication barrier and make grampa put the pedal to the metal.

D&J have arrived at the Roadblock. Phil shows up wearing a shirt unbuttoned to a level dangerously close to exposing his man boobs. I am compelled to avert my eyes while he explains the task. The teams will have to partake in the local “sport” of bull racing. They’ll have to be dragged through a field the consistency and color of a Spot-a-Pot holding tank on Day 3 of Woodstock for about 100 yards by a team of bulls. Yummy. Only one team gets to go at a time (Which makes it a “race” how, exactly?).

(Author’s Note: I’d like to personally thank the nation of India for creating this “sport” so that the contestants can get a sense of what it’s like to watch this show week in and week out. If only they could’ve made the poo-water boiling and thrown in some live alligators, it would’ve been perfect.)

David gets the honors, and does swimmingly, his formerly white t-shirt and flesh now approximating the shade and (I’m guessing) odor of a used diaper. The next route marker is on Beach Road in Alleppey.

Next up is Al, who was the only one smart enough to change his clothes beforehand. (Odds are good this isn’t his first excursion through questionable substances.)

Meanwhile, R&C’s taxi is moving so slow, it’s actually going backwards in time.

T&J and K&J are next to arrive at the Roadblock. Tian and Jon will do the task.

Tian fails on her first attempt, right out of the box. Jon completes on his first try. Tian tries again, and fails, while the locals stare intently at her plasticized breasts.

Millie and Chuck arrive at the Roadblock just as Tian completes the task on her third try. Jaree asks if that was just mud. Tian wants to punch Jaree in the eyesocket. Chuck completes the RB on his first try.

R&C, having successfully gone back in time to yesterday, finally arrive at the Roadblock, where Reichen completes RB on his first try.

D&J and J&A reach Detour first. Teams get to choose Migraine or Hemorrhoids. In Migraine, teams will have to fill a bicycle basket with chickens, then ride it through the streets of town looking for the chicken farm. In Hemorrhoids, teams will have to load fabric onto an elephant, then ride the elephant through town.

D&J and J&A both choose elephant. All four whine about being in pain. Meanwhile, the elephants wonder what that gawd-awful stench is.

K&J arrive and choose elephant as well. T&J are hot on their heels, but fight about whether to do elephants or chicks. Apparently it’s been Jaree’s lifelong ambition to ride an elephant (SOOO not going there), and Tian would rather be able to sit down again sometime this week. Tian caves and they agree to do the elephant. However, having used their brain allotment for the day, they forget to load their beast with cargo. So they have to turn around and go back.

R&C arrive out of the blue and decide the only way to make up ground is to do the chickens. I’m guessing Reichen came up with that idea.

Meanwhile…
Jon: I’m in pain!
Kelly: You’re in pain?! I’ve got a chain up my cookie! (Y’know Kel, some people pay extra for that. Just sayin’.)

Jon (confessional): I’d rather have been dragged around in that bull poop for 2 hours than have to ride the elephant for 5 minutes. (You aren’t the only one, Jon. That might’ve made watching this episode somewhat bearable.)

Kelly (confessional): My. Cookie’s. Killing. Me.
Jon: Don’t look at me, dude. (as he does fist pumps and a dance of joy in his mind, figuring he’s got at least a week before Kelly pesters him for sex again)

(Note to CBS: There’s your title. None of this “we’re driving on the wrong side of the road” crapola.)

D&J and J&A find the fabric store. The pitstop is on a boat at the edge of Punany Lake (don’t tell Kelly). They proceed to hop in a taxi.

D&J are team #1 (though David looks like Team #2, ifyaknowwhaddimean), and get a 7 day Caribbean cruise (which David would gladly trade for a shower right about now). Jon and Al are 2nd. They get bupkus.

R&C get stuck in traffic with their bike full o chickens, bark at some locals, then go to the wrong chicken farm. All in all a stellar effort for the Aryan boys.

Across town, T&J are lost. Big surprise. These gals probably get lost in their own homes.

K&J are 3rd. M&C are 4th.

So it all comes down to which team of idiots will finish in 5th. We see both teams scrambling to reach their drop-off points, then scrambling to catch cabs. It looks like it’s neck and neck (God bless editing). But in the end it’s…………………………..Reichen & Chip, the Blunder Twins!

Tian & Jaree pull up the rear, and have to endure Phil’s dramatic pause. There are few things in life I hate more than that damned dramatic pause. Jesus Phil, just come out with it already! Finally, he informs them that they are the last team to arrive and that they’ve (YESSSSSS!!!!!!) been eliminated from the race.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to be pressure-washed.

Next week on The “Amazing” Race…
Jon the Guido picks a fight with the locals. Reichen pushes Millie out of his closet. More fish humiliation.