Last week on the Amazing Race:

8 Teams head out from 200 yr. old mansion in France and fly to Amsterdam. Millie and Chuck compete with Tian and Jaree on who can get into the biggest/worst fight with each other and Steve and Dave are eliminated after the “detour” that gave the option of “Pot” or “Red Light.”

In steps Phil, in front of the mandatory rest stop at the Kasteel Muiderslot in Muiden, Netherlands, wearing the same turtleneck that he has worn since the beginning of the show, to tell us that the teams have been resting for 12 hours where they are allowed to eat and rest. While they are eating, the producers come in an give them all an announcement. The producers tell the teams that their next stop is going to be in India and that when they read the clue, all the teams are to act excited for the camera because the Producers tell them that they are going to show the viewers a lot of sad images of India and want to balance that with racers’ enthusiasm.

Millie/Chuck who were the first to arrive at 2:25p are allowed to leave at 2:25a. They open the clue:

Cue Phil:
Teams are to fly to Mambia (Bombay), India, where they are to then travel to Bollywood, the Film Making machine of India.. So basically, a fancy way of saying CBS studios in India.

Millie jumps for joy and shouts “Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes.” This is the beginning of the many porn quotes from this team for this episode. Chuck states that they both get frantic in tough situation and it comes from the fact that they are super competitive or the fact that he can’t commit. But Chuck answers why he can’t commit by stating that sometimes he doesn’t trust her and sometimes she doesn’t trust him and that trust is very important when it comes to commitment. Instantly, a lightbulb shines over Chuck’s head and then a look of wonder goes over his face as he wonders what happened to 12 years of his life. Millie/Chuck than take a cab to the airport.

Jon/Al now leave at 2:55a. Jon/Al read clue and get excited at not only going to India but that they get $110 for the race. Jon/Al once again remind us that they are clowns as they grab a cab to the airport.

Kelly/Jon now leave at 3:34a. Kelly reads the clue and is excited and shouts “Yeah!!” Jon in his overbearing role of their relationship states that “Kelly is finally starting to settle down and not get stressed out over our mistakes, and she's doing great.” Kelly does a happy bark and Jon gives her a treat and pats her on the head while saying “Good Kelly.” Kelly/Jon grab a cab to the airport.

Millie/Chuck arrive at the airport only to find it is deserted.

Chip and Reichen are given the go ahead at 4:30a. They read the clue and there is a fake enthusiasm that comes from them. Chip and Reichen are not happy with their position in the race and realize that the other teams are just as smart, except for Steve/Dave, because they just got dang lucky, and that they need to be just a bit smarter than the rest of the teams. Chip/Reichen head to the airport in a cab but not before struggling over whether to take the cab or the train to the airport.

Monica/Sheree now get the go ahead to leave. They read the clue and there is no excitement from them as they read the clue. The producers point to a cue card that says “Be Excited,” but they leave before seeing it. Monica/Sherre remind us that they are wives to football players and that they are closer from their race experience than from the times that they had to console each other with shopping because their husbands’ messed around with groupies. In the background can be heard Blue Cantrell’s, “Hit ‘em up Style” song. Monica/Sheree take the train to the airport.

Jon/Al make it to the airport to see that it is empty, except for Millie/Chuck. Jon/Al and Millie/Chuck try the phones to get flight info, while Kelly (and Jon) who has arrived sniffs out a big Information both and leads Jon to it where they get information on flight times. Jon pats her on the head and gives her a treat.

David/Jeff get their clue and find out that they are headed to India. One of them says “Sweet.” David/Jeff feel like they need to be “smart, conservative, and precise.” The TV viewers at home would just like it if they were on the show so that they wouldn’t have to wonder who the other guy team is every time they appear on screen.

Reichen/Chip arrive at the airport. Millie/Chuck and Jon/Al book a flight on KLM that leaves at 10:55a.m.

Tian/Jaree due to their constant bickering are allowed to leave when all the other teams have arrived at the airport. Clue is read and the they “Woo Hoo” the idea of going to India. Tian/Jaree now decide that they don’t want to fight. They realize that they would do better if they didn’t fight. This new strategy will now spell immenent doom for this team. They are now the: “team that faught all the time but have a new respect for each other b/c of the race” team. I give them 2 shows. Tian/Jaree then head to the airport by cab. In the cab, Jaree explains the sole purpose for India being around: Tapestries.
Jaree wants to get rid of all her clothes and just wear tapestries for the rest of the race. A quick look at dictionary.com will show that tapestries are: “a heavy cloth woven with rich, often varicolored designs or scenes, usually hung on walls for decoration and sometimes used to cover furniture. That is all that needs to be said for Jaree’s comments.

Reichen and Chip at the airport, do their indecision dance again on whether to take a later direct flight or an earlier flight with layovers. As they are deciding, they interrogate the man at the ticket counter. After the dance is done, a quarter of the show has elapsed, and realizing that the ticket counter man hasn’t tried to question their integrity, they finally decide to take the earlier flight by themselves and risk the layover. I have a feeling that we are going to be seeing more of the indecision dance before the end of the season.

Monica/Sheree arrive at the airport and talk with Reichen and Chip while trying to hide their “alliance.” Monica/Sheree decide to take the direct flight instead of the one with layovers.

Tian/Jaree arrive at the airport and laugh as they get on the same flight that everyone else will be on (the KLM 10:55a) even though they got to the airport hours after everyone else.

Ladies and Gentlemen, there we have it, Bunching, and everyone on the same flight out.

Cue computer graphic of flights going from Milan (Reichen/Chip) and Netherlands to Mambai, India.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Reichen and Chip arrive first and get a cab to head to the CBS studios. They experience culture shock and are appalled at the poverty that is around them. Reichen states that everything around him is aweful and that it is “horrible how things have gotten to the state that they are at and that he will be thinking about the poverty all night when he goes to sleep” in his silk pajamas. Chip starts to put on his Tommy Hilfiger mosterizing lotion with SPF protection, gives himself another spritz of his Gucci cologne, and throws out his current shirt that he is wearing because it is sweaty and puts on a new one knowing that he will just buy another one later and states that he is “not bothered by the stuff they see because he really likes the people in India and is used to what he sees.”

The other teams arrive at India and all get a cab and all comment on their surroundings:

Monica/Sheree: they pray before leaving b/c they feel that India is a country full of murderers and thieves that prey on NFL wives
Kelly/Jon: “chaos is everywhere.” Kelly states that this is her “worst nightmare” as she starts to whimper.
Millie/Chuck: see a rat, the size of a cat, if you hit it with a bat, it will go splat
Jon/Al: before getting into the cab, John does his signature “balance something on my nose” trick. He gets a courtesy laugh from the locals and a chuckle cartoon laugh tract added by the editors.
David/Jeff: also feel that India is full of murders and that they are going to be “taken to the desert to be sacrificed” to cows
Tian/Jaree: shocked, surprised that things look and smell different.

Reichen/Chip arrive first to the studio and read the clue:

Cue Phil: Teams must now grab one of the bikes and find and travel to Studio 10 where they will have to look for their next clue. The Studio opens at 9:30a.m.

Reichen/Chip having plenty of time to kill (like 9hrs) decide to do their signature move of dropping anchors and cementing themselves to the floor to keep a spot in line.

As Reichen/Chip are mixing and pouring cement, all the teams arrive to the clue box. Yeah, Bunching again. Millie states that now all the teams are going to do “the campout thing in India.” Kelly barks. All the teams sleep in a nice neat conga line huddled close to each other for warmth and dozing to the melodic tunes of traffic and dogs barking.

It is morning time, Jaree has lit a fire in the desolate urban area, Jeff is brushing his teeth, and out steps Dolly Parton who is smiling and heading towards the teams saying “Welcome y’all. Come have fun at Dollywood. We are now open” as she does her signature laugh. Producers run frantically and escort her out of the way and apologize to the teams for the mix up and tell them that Bollywood has opened and they can go search for Studio 10. All the teams run to a bike.

David/Jeff arrive at Studio 10 lot first where they walk in on India’s hottest rapper, 50 Rupee’s, new rap video where the current shot is a bunch of women covered from head to toe and dancing. They find the clue, Detour:

Cue Turtlenecked Phil: A detour is a choice between two tasks each with its own pros and cons. In this detour teams must choose between Suds and Duds. In Suds, teams will wash a load of laundry by hand and find the clue that is printed on one of the dirty linens. In Duds, teams need to locte P. Amarlai shop and look through 100s of Sarees to find the clue printed on one. Both can only be reached by India’s crazy trains.

All the teams except for Jon/Al chose Suds.

Off to the trains they all go. They all start walking to try to get to the trains. Reichen and Chip try their new “smarter” strategy by using their bikes to get back to the main road. Good call. Millie/Chuck, Kelly/Jon, David/Jeff all decide to hop on a bus to take them to the train station. Tian/Jaree eventually take a bus. Monica/Sheree and Jon/Al decide they want to walk around a bit and sightsee before going to the train station.

Reichen and Chip arrive first at the train station and quickly realize that train in India means “sardine can.” In order to get on the train, you have to push yourself in as others pack in all around you. They force themselves onto the train and manage to get on. Kelly/Jon miss getting on in their first try, but on the second try, get on the train. Kelly quickly realizes that train rules are that if you aren’t on the women only train (there really is one—from the CBS website) then you are allowed to be groped touched. Kelly, then states that she would like to change her worst nightmare to being in this train.

Millie/Chuck then attempt to get on the train. The dialogue that follows is just too good on its own:
C: Millie
M: I’m on.
C: I can’t Millie
M: Come on Chuck, I’m on here, I can’t even get off
C: Millie
M: I can’t get off, Chuck, I’m stuck
C: Alright, let’s go, whatever you say, lets go.

The camera crew is so busy laughing at this, that they miss the train and have to wait for the next one to catch up with Millie/Chuck. So after “Train Riders” the movie finishes, it is time for Tian/Jaree to get on. They get groped and fondled as well failing to read the rules before getting on. John/Al then try to get on, but while waiting for the next train, John decides to do his balance trick again. I swear, this is like watching your friend use the same lame pick up line all the time. John gets no response from the crowd. Finally, a deserved response. They get on the train.

Monica/Sheree are still walking. They are looking for the train station and are currently in Pakistan. They state that they have “lived the life” and are now in the dirt and that it is really different and that the only dirt that they have seen in a long time has been the stuff on their husbands’ jerseys.

Reichen/Chip arrive at Dhobi Ghat, the Laundromat. In front hangs a sign that says “Quarters Only.” Reichen/Chip finally realize that their bundle of clothes is outside and they bring it in and start washing. Kelly and Jon arrive, but have to leave to go get quarters. When they come back, they start to wash as well. As Reichen/Chip wash, they comment on the patterns and material and state that they would never wear this stuff. Reichen/Chip find the cloth fabric that says “Clue.” As soon as this appears, Phil Collins comes out and sings the next clue: “ go toooooooooooooooooo ooooooo Sass Sass Sassoon Docks,” and then steps back into his cubby hole.

David/Jeff arrive with quarters, wash, and then, listen to Phil Collins, and head out to their next clue. Next is Kelly/Jon.

Millie/Chuck arrive at the Laundromat and pick a spot and just start washing clothes. This angers the locals, not because a woman is washing clothes, but b/c she is putting the clean clothes in the dirty water. The locals start to show Millie where the dirty water is so that she can start the next load when Chuck arrives with the “Race” load. All the locals throw their hands up in disappointment. Tian/Jaree come and find their load and start washing as well.

Monica/Sheree are now in Hong Kong, walking around aimlessly looking for the train station.

Millie/Chuck then finds the clue and the same camera shot that is used for everyone when they find the clue is shown for Millie/Chuck. Amazing how everyone’s clue has the same stains on it.

Monica/Sheree finally make it on the train and are of course shocked at the train.

John/Al find the clue in their shop. Tian/Jaree find their clue in the water and yell for joy. The locals all start yelling like Tian/Jaree thinking that it is an answer to the question, “Who wants to sleep with me?”

Monica/Sheree finally make it to the Laundromat when all of the teams are gone. They can’t figure out where to put the quarters and or how to start the machine due to the fact that their maids do the Laundry at home. After some tries, they finally get it, and Phil Collins steps out and just says “Sassoon Docks.”

Reichen/Chip and David/Jeff reach clue box at the Docks. Roadblock.

Cue short sleeved Phil, NOT turtleneck Phil!!!! OMH, No tutrtleneck: A roadblock is a task that only one person may perform. In this roadblock, you have to find a fish market, and pick out 20 specific fish, and take it to the market man who is about 20yds away.

Reichen/Chip and David/Jeff all can read and are using the “smarter” and “precise” technique and pick out the 20fish and take it to the market man. They get the clue from the market man that it tells them to, “head to the ‘Gateway of India’, the last team to arrive will be eliminated from the race.”

As Reichen/Chip and David/Jeff leave, Kelly/Jon arrive. Jon decides to do the task and being well trained that she is, Kelly, sits and waits and barks in support.

Reichen/Chip and Dave/Jeff now have a footrace at the ‘Gateway to India.’ As they run, they see Phil and one of the extras from “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom,” to greet them. David and Jeff arrive at the pitstop first with Reichen/Chip right behind them. Phil looks at them and says “Can I help you? Reichen and Chip tell Phil that David and Jeff are the other guy team.

Jon, who now has “fish juice” on his shirt does the task quickly and Kelly barks for joy. They head for the Pit Stop and are team #3.

Millie/Chuck, John/Al, and Tian/Jaree all get to the Roadblock and none of them can read directions. They all miss the part that says to get all of one kind of fish. So they all have to go back and get what is missing. Tian/Jaree are of course one again cheered on by the locals thinking that they are answering The question again. As they finish, they leave for the pitstop.

Millie/Chuck make it to the pit stop and are team #4. Millie says: “That’s good, that’s good, that’s very good.” I’m not making this up.

When all of the teams have left, Monica/Sheree make it to the detour. The market man just points to the fish that the other teams have brought and tells them that if Monica/Sheree just pick up the fish and hand it to him, he will give them the clue.

Tian/Jaree race for the finish and are Team #5. They yell and cheer and a crowd of locals nearby start yelling and cheering as well. Still no response from Tian/Jaree.

Jon/Al make it and are Team #6.

The Supremes finally make it and are the last team to arrive so they are Philiminated. They remind us that they are NFL wives and that the race was humbling, and brought them closer together. They realize that they never want to have to do household chores again, but that they are stronger women for having had to try to do laundry.

Next week on the Amazing Race:
Kelly is a bad dog; Millie’s feelings get hurt, and due to cutbacks, teams have to travel by muddy oxen; Kelly rides and elephant and *gasp* complains, someone rides in a car.