Last time on The Amazing Race:

Sixteen Americans arrived at the Chateau des Alpinnes outside Marseilles, France to spend twelve hours eating, sleeping, carousing, fighting, poring over maps, and taking bets on who would win if Tian and Jaree decide to duke it out. My Euros are on Tian.

This time on The Amazing Race:

Sixteen Americans leave the Chateau des Alpinnes outside Marseilles, France to spend many hours driving, fighting, flying, boating, wading through crap, and taking bets on who would win if Tian and Jaree decide to duke it out. Again, my Euros are on Tian. Our Americans are:

• Tian and Jaree, who, having been the first to arrive after using their Fast Forward (and let’s face it – there is no other way they could have been the first to arrive), are the first to depart the Chateau at 2:26 a.m. Their clue tells them to get to Amsterdam and find the Magere Brug on the Amstel River. The first argument between the Map-Challenged-Models is at 2:27 a.m. as they try to remember in which direction to drive to get to Marseilles. Ladies, there are four cardinal directions. Pick one.
• The Ringling Brothers and Mole-licious Millie and Bad-Luck Chuck are the next teams to leave at 2:41 a.m. Their clues also direct them to the Magere Brug. I know, because they read them aloud. I’m waiting for the day when one team gets a different clue from everybody else.
• Moniker (thanks, Phil) and Sheree leave at 2:45 a.m. Does anyone know if these two are still married to professional athletes? I didn’t hear them mention it. Gosh, I hope divorce papers weren’t faxed to the Chateau. They did mention that they hate Tian. Join the club, girls.
• The Not-Very-Femi-Nazis leave at 2:54 a.m. These guys are disappointing me. At first, I thought that they had just made some poor decisions and aren’t as stupid as they appear. Now I think that they may be more stupid than they look. Reichen tells us that they get distracted by sightseeing, tend to drive by stuff and make really bad mistakes. I’ve noticed and I’m sensing a pattern here.
• Two guys backpacking through Europe who somehow got to be on TV leave at 2:57 a.m. I have no idea who these guys are. If they show up later in the race, I’ll let you know.
• Kelly and Jon, my favorite team, leave at 3:00 a.m. They both think that Kelly is the worst map reader in the world. Apparently they’ve never met the Map-Challenged-Models at any of the Pit Stops. Jon tells Kelly that she needs to learn to read maps. After all, he wants to do the driving and he will never stop and ask for directions. Typical guy. While we’re on the subject of poor map-reading, may I offer a tip to all future Amazing Race contestants? Keep a highlighter in your pocket. Take three, just three, minutes before you drive, boat, or walk away and highlight on your map the most direct route between your origination and destination points. It will save you hours of looking as stupid as this bunch of contestants.
• The last team to leave, at 4:19 a.m. (jeesh, these guys are pathetic), are the BFGs (Big Fat Guys). They consider themselves the tortoises in the race. Well, they are slow and they are ugly. They probably also have hard shells, or at least couch-potato calluses, on their asses.

Air Traffic Controllers Licensing Exam Question #1:
Which of the following models of airplanes can be compared to a tortoise?
A. Boeing 747 – Both have two decks.
B. Boeing 737 – Both have wings.
C. Leer Jet – Both are sleek.
D. The Spruce Goose – Both are slow, heavy, and unwieldy and could only win a race in a fable.
Correct Answer: D

All the teams manage to find their way into Marseilles and to the laughably low-security airport. Marseilles must not be on Code Orange. I wonder if Tom Ridge knows.

Lines form, which Tian and Jaree hurriedly snort, and then they’re formed again in front of the Air France ticket counter. Sensing that tickets might be limited, Chip approaches Tian about purchasing seats for his team. She indicates that she is willing to do that. She then turns around and dares everyone behind her in line to question her integrity. Millie, using the short-range microphone that she has cleverly concealed as a huge mole (and not the sexy Cindy Crawford kind of mole) on her face, learns of the line-cutting plot and confronts Tian. At this point, I’m taking bets on who would win if Tian and Millie decide to duke it out. Millie is a fiery little gal, but my Euros are still on Tian. Tian, trying to avoid an embarrassing scene (like that’s possible), says that she will let Mole-licious and Bad-Luck Chuck know when she makes her decision about helping Chip and Richard Allen. Millie grabs the leashes of her three puppies and they head off to the British Air counter.

When the Map-Challenged-Models are up to buy tickets, Chip reminds Tian about her somewhat vague promise to book tickets for his team. She refers him to Kelly and Jon, who are being helped by another agent, and suggests that he okay their nefarious plot with the competition. Jon, who can be manly when he’s not being whipped by Kelly, says, “No cutting! I’ll punch your eye out!” Now, I was a teacher for eight years. I’m pretty sure that I heard this line at least twice a week from my 10 year-old students. Oh, Jon. Some boys just never grow up!

Reichen, showing that he has integrity which we must not question, states that they will honor the line. He is confident that later in the race he and his Not-Very-Femi-Nazi partner can use their physical abilities to get in front of the other teams. What these pretty boys don’t seem to understand is that they need their mental abilities, which they admit are limited, to get them close to the other teams before their physical abilities can take charge. Yeah, good luck guys.

The flights work out like this:

• Air France at 6:25 a.m. to Amsterdam via Paris with the Map-Challenged-Models and Kelly/Jon aboard.
• British Airlines at 6:50 a.m. to Amsterdam via London with Millie/Chuck, the Ringling Brothers, Moniker/Sheree and Married Men aboard.
• Air France at 7:14 to Paris Orly Airport with two lost surfer dudes and the BFGs (Bellies Fulla Gas) aboard who have hopes of connecting to Amsterdam through Charles de Gaulle Airport.

Air Traffic Controllers Licensing Exam Question #2:
When scheduling flights for personal leisure travel, it is best to schedule connecting flights that –
A. have a snowball’s chance in hell of being caught.
B. have a snowball’s chance in hell of being caught.
C. have a snowball’s chance in hell of being caught.
D. All of the above
Correct Answer: D

The teams on the first two flights manage to get to Amsterdam without getting lost, crashing planes, major injuries or using the cramped airline toilets. The big adventure and major wrench in the works is saved for the second Air France flight. I knew there would be problems when one of the miscellaneous Californians said “At this juncture in the race, we’ve got the BFGs (Boorish Friggin’ Goons) right on our tail.” This may be the single most terrifying thing I have ever heard on a reality TV show. Any reference to junctures or tails within the context of a relationship with BFGs (Bloody Flatulent Goombas) should have been caught and deleted by network censors. When leaving the flight, the same stupid anonymous man-child said “Ahvwah.” I’m not sure if he was trying to say “Au revoir” or if he was telling the sexy stew the nickname he has given his goatee.

Both these teams are unfortunate enough to have to take a cab across Paris to Charles de Gaulle Airport to catch their next flight to Amsterdam. They all fret that the connection is going to be really tight. Kind of like their pants after the butter-laden, sauce-drenched, carb-packed meal on the Air France flight. One of the California boys takes out his pocket tachometer and accurately measures the speed at which their cab is traveling: 1 mile per hour. That’s actually pretty fast compared to LA’s rush hour. What are these guys complaining about?

Meanwhile, back to the teams who still have a decent shot at winning the Race . . . The two flights arrive within three minutes of each other, which makes Kelly and Jon feel good about their position. I’d feel good too if I had just gotten off a flight with Tian and Jaree. Those girls need at least a few hours head start to even compete. Mole-licious and Bad-Luck Chuck jump in a cab while everyone else heads for the train to the Magere Brug.

Well, not everyone. Tian and Jaree, thinking that they’re being smart, head to an information booth to get, ummm, information. They ask info guy if it’s easier to take a train or a taxi into the city. He answers, “Oh no, it’s a lot more expensive.” To which Jaree responds, “Okay, so train.” I think that it’s about time that Tian starts handing out the smack-downs. One for the info guy (Answer the friggin’ question pal! Did we ask about expense?), and one for Jaree just for being Jaree. They finkle around with another information booth where maps cost 2 Euros before finally heading down to the train. Alas, platform 3 is empty. The train is gone, as are Jon/Al, Chip/Toy, Kelly/Jon and Moniker/Wife#2. Maybe they should try Platform 9 ¾.

The first team to arrive at the Magere Brug, a bridge that is famous for being skinny and white, kind of like Molly Sims, is Millie and Chuck. They took the cab which was faster than the train, though not by much. As Chuck spots the bridge, he shouts “Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!”, thus proving that it works to loudly repeat yourself to someone if you’re not sure that he/she has a firm grasp of your language.

The clue, which Millie is somewhat shocked that she has to read, tells the teams to hop in a boat and drive themselves to the Scheepvart Museum. I kept waiting to hear a team call it the Sheep Fart Museum (Chip wasn’t even close with Blubbablubba Museum), but no one did. Sigh. I probably would have thought it funny, but then, I was watching The Amazing Race after drinking three beers on a relatively empty stomach. Anyway, the museum, which is, of course, famous, features the nautical history of Holland. And we thought Holland was all about tulips, windmills and blond kids with wooden shoes.

Quickly back to the Two Lost Teams: They arrive at Charles de Gaulle just as their scheduled flight left the runway. They end up catching an 11:45 a.m. KLM flight and make it to Amsterdam just before the city is closed to ignorant American tourists. Whew! That was lucky!

Tensions rise on the canals of Amsterdam. These damn canals! Kelly and Jon, who have always shown a rather pleasant and charitable nature, get catty with nicknames. Millie Mole (which Jon thought up all by himself!) and Werewolf are what they call Mole-licious and Bad-Luck Chuck. Apparently Chuck is very handsome, but his funky face muscles make him look like he’s in the second stage of werewolf transformation. Hmmmm. Having never seen a human transform into a werewolf except in An American Werewolf in London (excellent flick), I would have to bow to Kelly and Jon’s expertise gained from many family reunions. And while we’re on the topic of Kelly and Jon, I think I need to give them a nickname. How about Spaghetti-and-Meat-Heads.

While the two couples discuss how much they hate each other, we are treated to another display of Chip and Reichen’s amazing intellect. Reichen: Is it up on the right? Chip: I don’t know. We’re following the two teams that went this way. Reichen: Okay, good. Boys, boys, boys. Look at the map and stop trailing after idiots. The producers flashed that map so often that I could read it from my sofa in Phoenix. You are going to lose this race and I will laugh.

Jon and Al, who seem to understand the basics of map-reading but who are a bit lost when it comes to grammar, state, “Them other people went the opposite way. I don’t get it.” We get it, guys, but it would take too long to explain.

Moniker and Sheree show up at the bridge and are immediately puzzled. They wonder how the hell they are going to do this stuff. Uncle Cameraman pipes up, “Haven’t you ever driven a boat?” Moniker and Sheree look at each other and laugh uproariously. “Baby, let me explain.” says Sheree. “We’re the wives of professional athletes. I buy the boat and then hire some white guy to drive the damn thing.”

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Massive bickering ensues in other boats. There must be something in the water. Millie and Chuck are hopelessly lost. Millie whines, “Chuck, I begged you back there not to turn. I said please, and you don’t even acknowledge that I have an opinion.” Does anyone else wonder when Millie is going to realize that begging isn’t going to work with Chuck? She’s been begging for twelve years and it’s gotten her nowhere. She and her erstwhile beau continue to go nowhere as everyone else figures out that they would like to go somewhere, notably the Scheepvart Museum, and turn around.

Tian and Jaree, being sheep, though not related to any sheep that may be at the museum, are also hopelessly lost, despite the presence of at least two maps. They have a spat over who is the bigger dumbass (Red Foreman will cast the deciding vote) and both are miserable at reading the now crumpled up, soggy maps.

Teams eventually do find the Scheepvart Museum where they dig their Detour clues out of a mysterious black box that inexplicably has a yellow and red flag attached to it. The choices are 500 kg or 15 feet. They choose between two tasks and between two systems of measurement – Bonus! Jon and Al, who are currently in first place, choose to dig through 15 feet of cow manure to find their next clue. Reichen and Chip, rather predictably, choose to move 500 kg of cheese after measuring and coming to the conclusion that 15 feet is more than twice Chip’s height. They probably scored really well on their SATs.

Millie and Chuck, having decided that they will not get married on a boat in a canal, go for the Fast Forward. They travel to a famous windmill called Molen Van Sloten (how ironic is that?) while discussing compatibility issues, strap in, and get spun ten times. This Fast Forward rocked! Millie had a positively earth-shattering experience (with exclamations worthy of a romance novel), and is now seriously thinking of installing a windmill in her backyard and charging admission. Chuck found some much needed peace. Chuck’s weird. I’ll bet this guy meditates on the Tilt-A-Whirl at the county fair.

• Detour Highlight: Jon and Al, as previously stated, choose 15 ft. Perhaps the oddest quote of the night said by Jon, while dressed as a giant condom, to Al, who is on a pile of poop: Don’t be a weenie man! I’ll let you guys make of this what you will. Jon and Al also practice for the All-Clown-Pie-Throwing-Tournament with big handfuls of sh!t. These guys are never invited to my home.
• Detour Highlight: Reichen and Chip at 500 kg wonder if one wooden stretcher half-full of cheese (7 large wheels) is too much weight. Yes, for you guys, it is. For everyone else who attempts this, they will actually have to carry 500 kg of cheese.

Barnum and Bailey, after bathing themselves in the excrement of bovine goddesses, head off to Monikadam to find the next clue which is at a famous statue called The Smoker. Cool! I’m a joker, I’m a smoker, I’m a midnight toker . . .

Back at the canals of no return, Tian and Jaree are still screaming at each other. Surprise, surprise. Tian is so downhearted that she can find no joy in anything, whereas Jaree magically becomes an eternal optimist. Tian: Amsterdam sucks. Jaree: I like Amsterdam. Tian: Boats suck. Jaree: I like boats. Tian: Canals suck. Jaree: I like canals. Tian: Maps suck. Jaree: I like maps. Tian: Yeah? Too bad you can’t read one, skank ‘ho.

• Detour Highlight: Kelly and Jon choose 15 ft. because they don’t think their relationship is crappy enough. Kelly is under the misapprehension that she is dead sexy in her protective poo suit. Jon, trying to avoid commenting on Kelly’s sexiness, goes searching for poo quicksand. He finds it, but unfortunately it’s the most shallow poo quicksand pit in Western Europe. Poor guy can’t escape.

While the Spaghetti-and-Meat-Heads are planning a honeymoon to Pooville, two sets of white guys show up at the Magere Brug. The first set, the BFGs (Bloated Flabby Guts), set off in their boat, enjoying the beautiful day, yeah? These two are from Chicago and are just glad that none of the lake-effect snow followed them to Amsterdam. The other two guys, who may be rogue members of the production crew, grab the last clue to the Scheepvart Museum. They then spend a few minutes discussing the potential meaning of their clue being the last one in the box. They use some serious turbo action to get through the maze of canals and catch the BFGs (Bumpy Fanged Gringos), who may require total knee replacements after the Race.

Air Traffic Controllers Licensing Exam Question #3:
Complete the analogy. Airplane:runway::___________:__________
A. pain: knee
B. stupid: losers
C. Chicago: Ditka
D. boat: canal
Correct Answer: D

• Detour Highlight: Moniker and Sheree choose 15 ft. These women are really good at getting stuck. Sheree’s boot got stuck in about 3 ft. of manure and she required Moniker’s assistance to get out. They also got stuck in the mud when they tried to make a U-turn, rather than a sensible 3-point turn, off the road. Apparently flummoxed by the interaction between mud and tires, they shout to the heavens, “Why isn’t this car moving?” Yeah, why not? Obviously the wheels are spinning, the engine is running. If these women weren’t the wives of professional athletes, I could see them being the types to have the bumper sticker “How can I be out of money when I still have checks?” A charitable Dutch farmer eventually towed them out. Those Dutch. They’re so nice, unlike the French.

It is around this time that Jon and Al get to the Dutch Doobie Brother. Phil, wearing a sweater that he nicked from the Blue’s Clues stylist, explains that the Roadblock will give one teammate the chance to “immerse themselves in the life of a traditional Dutch fisherman” and move 25 eels from the floor of a boat to a marked container using only their hands. This is “immersion”? Less than five minutes groping fish and you’ve gotten a complete picture of Dutch fishing life? Someone slap Phil with an eel. Al does the Roadblock, though Jon would have been glad to do it had the eels been coated in cow manure and he could use only his mouth.

Millie and Chuck arrive at the Pit Stop, the drop-dead gorgeous Kasteel Muiderslot, an ancient and famous castle. Even though they’re hours ahead of everyone else, they run to Phil’s outstretched arms. Millie and Chuck are rewarded for their efforts by being presented with a Royal Caribbean cruise to the Mexican Riviera. I was wondering when the free cruises and their attendant five minute commercial blocks would start showing up. Expect at least one each week from now on. I’m also taking bets on who is really going to use this prize. At this point, we know that Chuck and Millie are doomed as a couple. Will Chuck hook up with Jaree and learn a thing or two about bad girls? Will Millie convince Phil that he is the man for her and learn the universal language of love on the Acapulco Deck?

Back at the Roadblock, Jon, of Kelly and Jon, enters the pit of angry eels. Jon says that they feel like slippery penises and Kelly is anxious to touch one. So, the question is, is Kelly so eager to touch one because Jon’s penis is never slippery or because Jon has no penis? Millie’s reaction here would have been interesting. Hmmmm.

• Detour Highlight: The BFGs (Boring Failed Gays) manage to survive the canals and choose 500 kg. At this point, they are far behind the other teams who have participated in the Roadblock. Yet, strangely, Dave’s biggest worry is that he looks stupid in wooden shoes. Dave, buddy, it ain’t the wooden shoes that are making you look stupid. Steve’s just glad that they are figuratively and not literally ass to elbows in crap.

Air Traffic Controllers Licensing Exam Question #4:
When communicating with the pilot of a troubled aircraft, it is best to avoid reminding him/her –
A. about the safety features of the aircraft.
B. about landing protocols.
C. that emergency personnel are standing by to assist in rescue efforts.
D. that he/she is ass to elbows in crap.
Correct Answer: D

Chip and Reichen and Moniker and Sheree, having successfully completed their respective Detours, meet up at the Smoker, which is still able to be displayed but cannot actually smoke in public places. Chip and Sheree handle the eels. Chip, naturally, is more skilled and finishes earlier. Reichen wonders if the eels get pissed if you touch them. Is there discord in the marriage, Reichen? Both teams have a mutual love-in based on their equal standing as minority groups, handsome, fit white men and wives of professional athletes, and caravan to the Pit Stop.

Back to Tian and Jaree. How did these two end up as friends? Will no one else have them? Anyway, they’re fighting, again, over a map, again. I think the problem here is not that Jaree can’t read the map, but that Jaree can’t read! Survivor had a deaf girl and Bruckheimer, not to be outdone by Burnett, got an illiterate girl. C’mon Jerry. Throw the girl a bone. Let an adult literacy volunteer travel with her.

• Detour Highlight: Two bearded frat guys, mistaking the pile of poop for a mud-wrestling pit, don their white protective gear and begin to search madly for semi-nude Dutch girls. Before they can get too dirty, a CBS representative approaches and hands them the next clue. The rep leans in and whispers, “Drive like a bat out of hell. The models aren’t far behind you.”
• Detour Highlight: Tian and Jaree also choose 15 ft. Tian wants to immerse herself in crap just so she can be warm again. Tian, poop won’t help. The ice is in your soul, in your soul! Jaree wants to go to the manure pile because it’s 18 fewer miles to “read” on a map.

While halfway skilled teams are piling into the Pit Stop and resting for the mandatory twelve hours, two locals using American accents arrive at the Roadblock. The dark-haired one forces the blond to get intimate with 25 eels. They grin delightedly when the blond breaks the record time of the Dutch Fishing Industry’s Eel Immersion Experience and they drive away happy.

Tian and Jaree show up shortly thereafter and Flo forces Tian to do the Roadblock. It’s right about now that Tian starts mumbling, “I could drown her. I could poison her. I could slice open her jugular with a laminated map.” Halfway through Tian’s eelish efforts, Jaree pipes up, “I could have done that. We’re only counting to 25, right? I thought I had to read to 25 eels. I wonder where my copy of One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish is?” Tian and Jaree get back in their car, now known as the chamber of doom, and promptly get lost. Oh, they fight too. These girls are nothing if not predictable. I think that for as long as the Map-Challenged-Models are in the race, the producers should furnish a map for us viewers of Tian and Jaree’s tangles, similar to the computer generated maps that track the planes. I’m really curious to know if they put twice as many miles on their cars as the other teams do.

The BFGs (Bearish Flea-bitten Grampas) complete the Roadblock, stuff a few eels into their pants to go along with the cheese wheels that are crammed into their jacket pockets, and head off to the Pit Stop. Tensions mount as we wonder who will be the last team to arrive.

The Map-Challenged-Models manage to beat the BFGs (Bone-headed Frickin’ Geeks) to the Kasteel and are shocked to learn they haven’t eliminated (Oops!), been eliminated, yet. When the losers do finally arrive, they run the last few feet to Phil and his atrocious sweater. The BFGs (Bumbling Fruity Geezers) are sad to be out of the race, but the cheese that is rolling out of their pockets is a good consolation prize.

Air Traffic Controllers Licensing Exam Question #5:
Which of the following snacks is permissible for Chicago area air traffic
controllers to prepare and eat at one’s work station?
A. grilled cheese sandwich
B. cheese fondue
C. deep-fried cheese sticks
D. any of the above
Correct Answer: D

Final Pit Stop arrival order: Millie and Chuck, Jon and Al, Kelly and Jon, Chip and Reichen, Moniker and Sheree, the same two backpackers from Marseilles, Tian and Jaree, two fat guys who no longer have jobs or a chance at $1 million.

Next time on The Amazing Race:
Teams return to India because no other Asian country will have them.
Jaree is thrilled that someone actually wants to touch her boobs.

Edited because it read : Ditka as a happy face. Ditka and his colon are never happy.