As we open TAR4’s third summary of this season, we get a gorgeous shot of Venice. As the music begins to swell, the camera begins to descend onto the street where, OMH IT’S MILLIE!!!!! Walking, as if in a daze. She suddenly turns to the camera and starts to sing:

(Cue the singing voice provided by Ms. Bebo, singing in a voice impersonating either Julie Andrews in the film version, or Sutton Foster in the Broadway version, take your pick. You just know that these reality TV starlets can’t sing to save their lives.)

“There are those, I suppose,
Think we’re mad, heaven knows,
The world has gone to rack and to ruin.

What we think is chic, unique, and quite adorable,
They think is odd and ‘Sodom and Gomorrah’-ble!

But the fact is,
Everything today is thoroughly modern.
CHECK YOUR PERSONALITY.

Everything today makes yesterday slow.
BETTER FACE REALITY.
It’s not insanity, says Vanity Fair,
In fact, it’s stylish to
Raise your skirts and bob your hair.

Oh brother, no wonder this girl’s still a virgin. Millie continues her singing (with a little help from our song goddess, Ms. Bebo.)

Have you seen the way they kiss in the movies?
Isn’t it delectable?
Painting lips and pencil lining your brow,
Now it’s quite respectable.

Good-bye good goody girl,
I’m changing and how.
So beat the drums ‘cause here comes
Thoroughly Modern Millie, NOW!!!!!”

OMH!!!!! I think Hunky Chucky’ about to get lucky

Um, Millie sugar, get back to the boat, we’re about to begin this week’s summary. I swear this girl’s a DAW.

Ok, if everyone’s ready. HERE WE GOOOOOOOO:

Strider and Femme: “Last time on ‘The Amazing Race’.”
Phil Keogan: “Heeeeey, that’s MY line. I have so little to do around here, don’t steal my lines.”
Strider: “Oh Phil, why don’t you go look at your man boobs.”
Femme: “We’ll take it from here dear.”
Phil: “NOOOOO !!!!! This is MY show, shoo, shoo, go away.”
Femme: (to Strider), “Come on honey, let the baby have his rattle. For now.”

Phil (*ahem*cough*): “Last time on ‘The Amazing Race’”:
11 teams left Cortina for Venice. Reichen and Chip pissed everyone off. Russell and Cindy lost their way and their tempers; but so did Tian and Jaree.

Chris and Monica screwed up the masked ball roadblock, BIG TIME, but the NFL cheerleaders, er, um, wives just barely made it. Chris and Amanda were eliminated. GOOD RIDDANCE!!!!! You two were B-O-R-I-N-G!!!!!

And now, this week…..

Gorgeous Venice was the second pit stop, and the race restarts here. So what do we get as an intro FORESHADOWING. The ATC’s (Air Traffic Controller) injuries and Russell and Cindy’s “personal problems”, in other words he’s a jerk and she’s a doormat. I wonder if either of these two teams goes ….. I wonder !!!!!

The teams have to travel, by train, from Venice to Vienna, Austria, which is 300 miles away. Once there they have to follow the marked path down the famous sewers of Austria. The ATC’s are relieved that they don’t have to walk there

Once at the train station, a “local” tells them they would do better if they went to Padua and caught another train there. So these idiots followed his advice without questioning it.

Literally we see the rest of the teams depart the pit stop one minute apart, except for the NFL Cheerleaders, er, um, wives, which depart four minutes after the next to last team.

The “Instinct” cover model and the Chipper are the second to leave (after the ATC’s) and Reichen goes on and on about how everyone hates them, cause they are sooooo cocky.

But, as I sat there looking at him, all I could remember were his photos in that magazine. As I heard his whiny voice, I just started yelling out, SHUT UP!!!!!

Just look like this
and like this
and like this

You’re yummers sugar, you don’t need to talk, mmmkay.

Jon and Kelly leave next and she rambles on about how their marriage has to be a 50/50 thing, and that Jon needs to understand this and trust her. We will see, my dear.

Team STD (Tian and Jaree, for those who did not read the fabulous two previous summaries by Landruajm and Samian), Rob and Brennan, oops I mean David and Jeff, The Clowns and Team Delusional (Russell and Cindy) leave next, they say nothing of importance, of course.

Then our starlet, Modern Millie and her toy Hunky Chucky leave the pit stop. Modern Millie tells us, “Well I’m a Modern now, so I can’t wait around for him forever”. He says he does not know if he wants to get married, without trying the merchandise first. Of course, Modern Millie was away at the time, she was singing the intro to this summary. Sorry Millie

Father and son, Steve and Josh (is it just me, or does Josh look like that annoying guy in the “Can you hear me now” commercials? Scary looking kid) leave followed by the Cheerleaders, er, um, wives.

The teams start to arrive at the Venice train station beginning with Kelly and Jon. Now a lot of crap happens for the next few minutes, but it’s NOT important, cause in the end, when they all get to the sewers in Vienna, there is going to be? That’s right, BUNCHING !!!!!

But, a few important things did happen. It is revealed that Cover Model and Chipper and the Cheerleaders, er, um wives are in a mini alliance, based on the fact that they are the minorities (boys are gay. Girls are cheerleaders, er, um, black). So Cover Model and Chipper take the girls with them, along with Rob and Brennan, er, um Jeff and David.

Modern Millie gets an asthma attack while preparing to sing her next number, “Forget About the Boy”. The Clowns rush to her aid, she tells them, “I’ve never been more happy to see a clown in my life”.

Then she tells Hunky Chucky, “Take my shirt off”. Chucky STILL doesn’t get it, and ONLY removes her sweater. This visibly shakes her.

Once recovered, she tells the clowns, “Did you see what a spaz he is?” The Clowns agree, and Modern Millie turns to the camera and ….

(Cue Ms. Bebo’s voice impersonation of Julie Andrews or Sutton Foster, coming out of Millie’s mouth, as she lip synchs and dances):

“No canary in a cage for me.
This canary’s ready to fly FREE!!!!!

Cut the cord,
Is that a man I once adored?
He’s nothing but an albatross,
No great loss, double crosser.

Forget about the boy.

Pull the plug.
Ain’t he the one who pulled the rug?
He’s lower than an alley cat,
Dirty rat, and I flatter,

Forget about the boy,
Forget about the boy,
Forget about the boy.”

Ok sugar, this is only a one hour summary, every peep can hear the tunes when the Episode Three Summary Soundtrack Album comes out in July.

Anyway, it’s morning now in Vienna, and there is, as I told you BUNCHING. All the teams are ready to go and of course The STD’s are fighting with Jon and Kelly about how they were first to get there and they should go in first. Jon threatens them by telling them to watch their step.

All the teams go through the sewers and get to the next clue, which tells them to go to a “Fiacre” carriage stand, pull the tag on the door, and thus claiming the carriage. The Fiacre will go three or four at a time, in intervals of 30 minutes. The carriages should take them to Schonbrunn Palace, six miles away.

Kelly and Jon, Cover Model and the Chipper, and the Cheerleaders, er, um wives get the first round of Fiacre. BUT, the clowns realize that Cover Model and the Chipper have not pulled the tag off the door, so they do it, forcing our favorite married gay couple to reluctantly give up the carriage.

The STD’s do the same to Jon and Kelly. Another argument ensues (wow that’s two in this episode for these two teams). Jon yells at Tian “Giddy up Tian”. I wonder what he means by that

Meanwhile the rest of the teams, except for Dave and Steve, who lord only knows where they are, read the rest of the instructions. They indicate that as soon as a team sees a carriage, they can run to it and claim the tag.

Cover Model and the Chipper tell Rob and Brennan, er, um, David and Jeff, sorry I can’t believe I keep confusing these two teams (maybe it’s because they are both BORING), that Rob and Brennan, RATS!!!!!, David and Jeff, should distract the rest of the teams, while Cover Model and the Chipper claim two Fiacre, for both teams.

Modern Millie asserts her newfound authority and feminism and tells Hunky Chucky, “We are going to RUN”. Hunky Chucky just nods (I think she’s starting to scare him.)

As the Fiacre begin their approach, Cover Model and the Chipper, Hunky Chucky and Modern Millie, and Kelly and Jon make a mad dash to get the carriages. Meanwhile, Rob and Brennan, er, um, David and Jeff, just stand there looking like the idiots that they are.

The plan was for them to distract the other teams, so that Cover Model and the Chipper would get the carriages. These two are worthless buffoons I tell ya.

Anyway, Modern Millie and the Chipper end up struggling to get the same carriage. The Chipper, obviously much bigger and stronger than Modern Millie, is able to hold her back and wins the carriage.

Hunky Chucky has secured a carriage himself and calls Modern Millie over; she is quite distraught and angry at the Chipper for using so much force with her. Unbeknownst to her, the Chipper has a bleeding lip, administered by our very own little girl, Modern Millie. GIRL POWER!!!!!

Also, Kelly and Jon noticed the fight for the first to Fiacre, so they run to the last one, which was unattended and grab it. This means that Rob and Brennan, er, I mean, David and Jeff are left out in the cold. Rob, er, I mean David argues with the Chipper about this.

The Chipper apologizes, but Rob and Brennan (you know what? I like Rob and Brennan better, so from now on, David and Jeff will be called that) are pissed, cause they had a deal. I don’t know what these two clowns are upset about; they did not do their share of the work. They did not distract the other teams, they did not even try.

Meanwhile, Team STD has made it to the palace and the clue. It’s a DETOUR:

Strider: “A Detour is a choice between two tasks”.
Femme: “Each with it’s own pros and cons”.
Phil: “YOU TWO AGAIN? This is MY show, get the hell out of here”.
(Femme and Strider run away giggling like schoolgirls)
Phil: “A Detour is a ….. OH FORGET IT!!!!!”

The Detour is simple. It’s called “Mozart or Beethoven”. If you do Mozart (that sounded wrong, considering he’s been dead for eons), you have to carry a base fiddle for several miles to the house where Mozart wrote “The Marriage of Figaro”.

If you do Beethoven, you have to carry a portfolio, filled with sheet music, to the house where Beethoven wrote some famous letter. The problem is that Beethoven lived in five different houses and they are all 11 miles away.

All the teams do the smart thing and do Mozart (that just sounds sooooo wrong, I think I have been talking to Sherps too much and my mind is getting all dirty .) All the teams, except Steve and Josh (who have taken the FF) and Kelly and Jon.

You see, Kelly (as was discussed in the intro) has decided to be a part of the decision-making and is trying to teach Jon a lesson. Great job you skank, all you did was get you and your partner lost, to take forever to find the freaking house and nearly lose the race because of it. Next time why don’t you just become a Modern, like our girl Millie.

Steve and Josh, seeing that they are all so close together, decide to take the FAST FORWARD:

Femme: “There’s only one FF on each leg of the race. The first team that finds it can skip all tasks and go directly to the pit stop.”
Strider: “However, once a team uses the FF, that team can never use another one for the rest of the race, so teams must decide when it is most advantageous to go for it.”
Phil: “WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE!!!!! STOP TORTURING ME!!!!!”
Femme: “Oh honey, if you schnooze, you lose”

The FF is simple. At the palace, find the ballroom, get into formal attire and each team member must carry a tray, full of champagne glasses, across the crowded dance floor.

With a little early difficulty, the guys capture the FF. They can now move on to the pit stop, which is a train ride away at Seeschloss Orth castle.

By this time, the STD’s and the Cheerleaders, er, I mean the wives, have now paired up and are doing the tasks together. They are headed to the base of the Donauturn, which is where the detour clue has sent them.

They are the first there, and together they read the clue, it’s a ROADBLOCK:

Phil: “A Roadblock is a task that only one person can perform.”
Phil: “HA! I beat them. Where are they anyway? What are they plotting against me? What is this? What’s going on? Where the hell am I?”
(Strider comes and takes Phil away, as Femme tries to comfort him. They both wink at each other.)

The Roadblock is also very simple. The players must bungee jump from the Danube Tower. It’s a 460-foot fall.

Tian and Sheree take the plunge, and read their clues, which are sending them to Gmuden, the town where Seeschloss Orth is located.

The Cover Model dives next. I wish he would have worn this outfit while jumping:

The Chipper is in near orgasm as his ex-husband jumps.

Jon the circus Clown goes next, and we get to see his constipated face as he falls. It really is quite funny, which is ironic, cause for the first time in the race; the man was not trying to be funny.

Modern Millie has volunteered to jump, she has a lot of pent-up energy don’t you know. And asks for water, due to her asthma. I hope Larry Johnson makes a few deductions for being a drama queen. A “Diva” (© 2003 Larry Johnson) and most certainly a Modern, does not allow herself to be a drama queen.

In the end though, our reality starlet does indeed jump. Hunky Chucky proclaims, not his love, but his jealousy at not having the chance to jump.

Cover Model and the Chipper, the STD’s and the Cheerleaders, er, um, Wives make the first train to Gmunden, just as Josh and Steve make it to the pit stop:

Femme and Strider: “Welcome to Austria. You’re team no. 1”
Josh: “Who the hell are you? Where’s Phil?”
Femme: “I’m afraid the poor dear is quite ill. Strider and I are your new hosts.”
(Femme and Strider give an evil grin)

Kelly and Jon are next at the tower, and of course, showoff Jon jumps backwards, but not before he tells the instructor, “Take me, I’m yours” (if only Hunky Chucky would say that to Modern Millie, they’d be virgins no more). Poor Kelly laments that Jon can’t do anything the easy way, never mind that Jon blatantly lied to the attendant and told him he had done the jump backwards a bunch of times. IDIOT!!!!!

Rob and Brennan & Russell and Cindy arrive together. Russell acts like a gentleman (for once), but NOT with Cindy. He does it rather with Rob, er, I mean David and allows him to take ticket no. 7 (meaning the next jump). Russell later laments that he thought David would be as nice as he was. BUFFOON!!!!!

Because of this mistake on Russell’s part, Rob and Brennan are able to make it to next train, joining Modern Millie and Hunky Chucky, Jon and Kelly and the Clowns.

Meanwhile the ATC’s lament that they are the last team at the Roadblock and that they cannot compete with the younger teams, but are still going to give it their all. At this point Dave jumps. Steve comments that Greenpeace showed up and asked them to stop throwing whales off the tower. Um Steve, sugar, Debra is no longer on the show, please be more respectful of the dead.

Steve and Dave finally make it to a train station, while Russell and Cindy are shown buying the WRONG tickets. They buy tickets for Gmund instead of GmundEN. Isn’t it a magnificent “coincidence” that these two teams were the only ones mentioned at the beginning of the program?

Russell honey, you are gorgeous and everything, but you are not a very smart boy, are you? Don’t you know that when in a foreign country, you should do your best to get your pronunciation of words to be understood? AND, always CHECK your tickets. BUFFOON!!!!!

Steve and Dave for their part are doing everything possible to get eliminated. This time they get out at the wrong train station and have to go back. These last two teams are comprised of IDIOTS!!!!! IDIOTS I TELL YA!!!!!

Anyway, Russell and Cindy finally realize their mistake and Cindy for the first time stops being a doormat and takes charge of the situation. Sugar, have you heard of the expression “Too little, too late”?

Meanwhile, back at the castle the teams start to arrive:

The Cheerleaders, er, um, I mean the NFL Wives are the first to arrive (and second overall, after Joshua and Steve). They do a cheer, although look a bit bewildered by seeing Femme and Strider doing the welcome.

The now divorced gay couple, Cover Model and the Chipper are in third. Followed closely by the STD’s.

Modern Millie and Hunky Chucky come in fifth:

Femme: “So you two, are you ever going to do it?”
Strider: “Yeah we’re all dying to know”.
Hunky Chucky: “Well I do, but Millie wants to wait until marriage, and I don’t know if I want to get married yet”.
Modern Millie: “WHAT?!!!!!”
(She turns to face the camera and yells, “HIT IT!!!!” Ms. Bebo begins her vocal impersonation of Julie Andrews or Sutton Foster, you choose)

“I say gimme, gimme …. Gimme, gimme ….
Gimme, gimme that thing called love.
I WANT IT.
Gimme, gimme, that thing called love.
I NEED IT.
Highs and lows, tears and laughter.
Gimme happy ever after.
Gimme, gimme that thing called love.
I CRAVE IT.

Hunky Chucky: “Millie? Are you serious?”
Modern Millie: “Oh Chuck!!!!!”
(They start to make out)
Strider: “HEY!!!!! This is a family show”.
Femme: “Get a room”.

The Clowns arrive next, followed by Rob and Brennan (who high five like girls, and that’s insulting girls.)

We get more drama. Who will be eliminated Russell and Cindy or the ATC’s.
Kelly and Jon finally make it to the pit stop in eighth place. They actually thought they were ninth. IDIOTS!!!!!

Then the moment of truth, the final team arrives, and it is ……. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! It’s the ATC’s, Russell and Cindy are out. I changed my PTTE before this episode. Russ and Cindy were next to go on my old one. DAMN YOU!!!!! I HOPE YOU ROT!!!!!

As Russell and Cindy finally arrive. Cindy admits that there are things about Russell that she does not like, for instance the lack of loyalty on his part. Sugar, we know why you like him, he’s gorgeous, but then again so are you; you can do soooooo much better than this cretin.

As Cindy sobs after being eliminated, Modern Millie pushes her out of the way and says, “I’m the star of THIS summary you tramp. HIT IT!!!!!”

The music begins to swell as the whole cast begins to sing:

“So beat the drums ‘cause here comes thoroughly
Hot of the press! One step ahead!
Jazz Age!
Whoopee baby!
We’re so thoroughly modern ….

Millie: MILLIE!!!!!

Whole company: NOW!!!!!”

THE END.

Femme and Strider: “On the next episode of ‘The Amazing Race’”

There will be a high speed Roadblock, where not only does Hunky Chucky have a panic attack, but guess what? THERE’S MORE BUNCHING!!!!!

It appears all the teams are at the speedway, when the STD’s cause a “showdown”, where Dave threatens Tian with the title to next week’s episode, “Just check your tires when you pull out, cause God, you never know what will happen.”

FINAL NOTE: The Producer and writer of this summary wishes to thank Ms. Bebo, Strider and Femme for being good sports and to GeorgiaBelle for the technical assistance.

Parts of this summary were fictionalized and exaggerated, in other words, just plain made up for dramatic purposes