Previously on The Amazing Race… … And boy do we mean previously. CBS viewers are known for short-term memory problems, and our host Phil is forced to recap the entire season in less than three minutes. (You will not be so lucky.)
Phil takes us all the way back to Los Angeles, where 12 teams left Dodger Stadium and sprinted for Ellis Beach Australia -- the long way.
We have gone across more than 38,000 miles and across four continents, and still no sign of Team Guido. We do get to reminisce about the time the Dave and Steve conquered Mount Everest; and that moment when Josh and Steve rappelled down Mount Rushmore (17 hours after all the other teams).
Along the way Tian and Jaree got nasty, Amanda and Chris got f***ing nasty. One of the interchangeable Supremes jumped from a tall tower, falling faster than the hopes of the Atlanta Falcons, which is a PRA-fessional Football Team that now can’t beat anyone but their wives. Debra and Steve, uh Debra and Steve, ya know… forget it.
Phil reminds us nine teams fell by the wayside, and then names them. That’s a good thing, because most of them were the usual utterly forgettable, repulsive lowlife miscreants CBS throws onto reality shows which they have no chance of winning. Fat guys named Steve, for instance. The kind of losers who get lost in the Dodger Stadium parking lot.
Say goodbye to:
Steve and Debra (let's head back to the pasta bar)
Chris and Amanda (%@#$!!)
Cindy and Russell (who?)
Steve and Josh (Gee Dad, you’re the greatest!)
Steve and Dave (You never know what might happen…)
Monicker and Sharee (As the wives of…)
Tian and Jaree (I wanna hurt you right now)
Millie and Chuck (I just want him to be happy. Somewhere else.)
Jon and Al (The tears of a clown)
Finally, we are stuck with:
Best friends David and Jeff (Dude! Bro!)
Engaged couple Kelly and Jon (Go F*** yourself)
Married gays Chip and Reichen (Speak English!!!)
After a brief synopsis of each team’s valiant struggle against ineptitude, Phil intones:
“Tonight, one of these three teams will win The Amazing Race.”
And after watching that dramatic and peppy intro, we almost care.
*************************
When we come back from commercials, David and Jeff, the first place finishers in the last leg, are departing at 1:47 a.m. They have to drive 20 miles to the Tjapukai Aboriginal Cultural Center. Jeff confidently tells us that he and David will win the game, and that they “have made the fewest amount of mistakes of the three teams that remain at this point.” See, misreading the directions and going in the completely WRONG direction in every, every, every episode isn’t really a mistake. No no no, that’s a Southern California strategy. Dude.
Cross off this team right now. They have just declared they will win, the TARditional Prophesy of Victory, which we know really signals Incipient Doom. They also think they have a lead, failing to realize that aborigines will not be standing around in the middle of the night waiting to hand them a yellow envelope. After 38,000 miles and four continents, these a-holes don’t see a three-team bunching ahead. That’s despite the fact that the clue clearly says the next stop doesn’t open until 6 a.m. Of course, they don’t read that until they are in the car.
Lastly, it takes Dave 37 tries to close the highly technical tailgate on their SUV.
Reichen and Chip are next to depart at 2:14 a.m.. Chip performs the ritual single-dollar snap that takes place in the final leg. Without the clowns around, Chip feels the need to balance the thing on his nose. Too bad his eyebrow is already there. Now the preaching begins.
“I think a lot of people didn’t expect us to get this far because we are gay,” says Chip. Apparently no one would imagine that two young athletic white guys could possibly win this race. I guess everyone expected these guys would waste time in airport bathrooms looking for glory holes.
Listen Chipster: BEING GAY WAS NOT A FACTOR IN THE RACE. (Of course there was the time you wanted to give that taxi driver a makeover, sort of a “Punch in the Eye from a Queer Guy” thing.) But really, you guys are just a recycled version of TAR Classic champs Team Esquire, or TAR2.0’s Team Chex. There’s just a little more butt sex.
Kelly and Jon depart at 2:38 a.m. and she freely admits they don’t deserve to be there because they are too stupid. Viewers around the globe agree. So do Werewolf and Mole, who OUGHT to be here.
Jon confesses their strictest competition is themselves. His little tortured-grammar self-deprecation is designed to keep us from hating them, but it is way too late.
Stupid as they are, these two morons are smart enough to realize that come 6 a.m., everyone is tied for first. And dawn eventually comes to Mr. Aborigine’s Wild Kingdom, this episode’s Culture Lite experience. While Satchmo of the Outback tootles the digideroo, six crazed Americans dash into the compound, and find a half dozen cartoon natives speaking solemnly about how fire is life. It’s obvious our contestants don’t give a crap about ancient customs or tribal rituals, they just want the damn envelopes. RiceChex is bouncing on the balls (of his feet).
The aborigines do the old rub-the-stick-until-it-gets-hot thing. It reminds me of Chuck. They make fire faster than you can say Ogakor. Once the fire is lit, the chief voo-dude lights a thermonuclear javelin, and flings it 3.6 miles across the river precisely onto The Island of Weapons of Mass Destruction, which bursts into flames as if it were napalmed. (Where IS Ian right now?) The immolation is so overwhelming that Dave says, “whoa.”
Some lightly toasted aborigines approach with a basket and some torches labeled Amber, Mitchell, Marilyn and Kel. Our aboriginal leader explains the basket contains “message sticks, used for thousands of years to …” before he is wrestled to the ground by Dave and Reichen, who shred the ceremonial crap and rip open the envelopes. The racers dash away and the aboriginal dudes return to their day jobs as house painters.
The next clue waits at the General Aviation Terminal at Cairns International Airport, which is 15 miles away. It’s a crappy little cinderblock building that looks like a rest room, and Mr. Exposition Hands shows us the clue box is located just outside a door labeled “Gentlemen.” I swear to God.
Our teams pile into SUVs and race out of the parking lot, onto rain-slicked roads. Jon is driving just ahead of Chip, who is aggressively challenging him. Jon says, “I’m from Joisey, no one’s going to get around me,” and I know just what he means. Chip says Jon is “a little irritating,” which is the understatement of the season. The two jockey back and forth while giving a one-finger salute.
By now, Reichen is cowering in the back seat, desperately attempting to retain his urine. Chip passes Jon as they approach a “roundabout.” Basically, a traffic circle, which requires a quick 270-degree turn. Chip enters the loop at Mach 12, and loses control. The vehicle skids off the road, and the cameraman sways violently. Reichen weeps uncontrollably. Jon laughs hideously, and Kelly urges him to keep going. I expected these vultures would stop to pick the carrion, but they move on, cackling.
With clenched teeth and loose sphincter, Reichen tells Chip, “You can’t do that again.” Chip’s reply is a curt, “Nope.” And there you have it, the TAR moment that broke up the happy marriage (not valid in any state).
| A D V E R T I S E M E N T |
|
|
|
A D V E R T I S E M E N T
|
The rest room clue is not a glory hole, but a Detour, which as you know is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. One is fast and photogenic, and the other slow stupid and completely discouraged by the production staff. In this case, its Wing It or Wander It. In Wing It, they fly to 10,000 feet, strap themselves to a professional skydiver, and he’ll land them directly on the next clue box. In Wander It, teams have to drive, run, boat and run across 38,000 miles and four continents to get to the same clue box. Tough choice. Surprisingly, each team chooses to skydive.
While CBS tried to make this part interesting, it was not. The planes take off, the girlie gets scared, and we cut to commercials. The best part was Reichen saying he’d rather be jumping from the back of an airplane than sitting in the back of the car when Chip is driving. From now on Reichen will be in the front, and Chip will be in the behind.
*************************
We return from commercials, and everybody jumps out of the plane, waxing poetic about the experience. But we’ve seen this in previous TARs, and we are bored. Despite my fervent pleading, they all land safely.
The next clue directs them to the big island of Hawaii, 4700 miles away. Once they land, they get to ride in an SUV to Kaulana Bay, the southernmost point of the United States. David and Jeff, the first to jump, grab a taxi and head for Cairns International Airport.
Jon lands and suggests the camera crew focus on Kelly’s crotch, suggesting she might have “taken a leak.” This is the kind of quirky, charismatic charm we Joiseyans bring to the world. I am so proud.
Two more teams grab taxis and head for the airport. Chip specifies he wants the domestic terminal. David and Jeff and Kelly and Jon scramble for flights at the international terminal. BroDude want to go to Sydney, assuming they will be able to find a quick connection and a faster flight from the bigger airport. Kelly, meanwhile, whispers to Jon that there are no flights out of Sydney until tomorrow. David and Jeff are aggressively seeking a ticket to LoserLand. David (Jeff?) actually makes a point of telling the clerk he wants Cairns-Sydney today, and Sydney-Honolulu tomorrow. Yes, he said tomorrow. Kelly steps to the counter and tells the same clerk she needs to get to Honolulu today. Who says she’s stupid?
David and Jeff head for the plane all alone, confident that their “run and figure it out later” strategy will work. We know better. They are suddenly sucked into the Slo-Mo of No-Mo, the clumsy TAR editing signal for a team bound for defeat. Will they appear in the rest of the episode? Perhaps. But, as presaged by the TARditional Prophesy of Victory, they have just flown off the radar. Bye-bye, dudes.
At separate ticket counters in separate buildings TeamMarried and TeamEngaged have both booked a set of flights that will route them through Tokyo, and put them in Honolulu the next morning. Of course, they are on the same planes. David and Jeff arrive in Sydney and start calling around for flights. They find out there is a flight from Tokyo, but they can’t get there from Sydney. They begin to realize they are condemned. They wander around the Sydney airport, pathetically muttering “There’s gotta be a way. There’s gotta be a way.” Dude? No way!
Chip and Reichen, Kelly and Jon all arrive in Tokyo, and sprint for the connecting flight, which leaves at 7:15. They have only 45 minutes. Both ask for help, and Jon is given wrong info. They get on a tram, and as the tram leaves they see the girl who gave them the wrong advice frantically waving to get them back. Kelly berates Jon for not looking at the video screens in the airport, as if that would actually help… cut to Reichen and Chip, who are looking at, and running their fingers along, a video monitor that shows just the info they need. This looks staged, and is only included to make them seem smart. CBS has apparently realized they might actually win this thing, and is looking for anything to make them appealing.
Reichen and Chip ride a bus to the correct terminal, Kelly and Jon realize the error of their ways and snag another (slightly later) bus to take them to the correct terminal. A clerk puts them on their own bus and tells the driver to haul ass so they can make the flight. Only minutes remain. Can you see where this is going?
Chip and Reichen arrive at the gate at 7:11 with 4 minutes to spare, and Reichen gets the boarding passes. Chip chalks it up to Reichen’s “gorgeous face and sweet demeanor.” Jon and Kelly arrive at the gate at 7:15. Jon’s gorgeous face and sweet demeanor come into play as well. After a few minutes hearing veiled threats of Nagasaki2, the gate manager refuses to let them on the plane. Chip and Reichen, erroneously seated in business class, sip champagne and fly off, leaving Kelly and Jon sweaty, frustrated and angry at the ticket counter. Not the first time Kelly’s been sweaty, frustrated and angry, but as Jon told the world, one orgasm a week is all he’s gonna give her.
*************************
When we return from some forgettable commercials, Jon’s got some new bodily fluids to discuss. He attempts to cheer up Kelly by suggesting Chip, Reichen and everyone on board that plane might get diarrhea. Sadly, this works. She smiles. Who knew a mention of diarrhea could lighten the mood? Try this at your next office party!
Eventually, they wander around and find another flight to Honolulu, a flight that arrives one hour and ten minutes later than the diarrhea-accursed flight. Off they go, flying behind Chip and Reichen’s plane.
The Gay Team arrives at Kona Airport in Hawaii, and for some unfathomable reason, Reichen lets Chip drive from the airport to Kaulana Bay. Along the way, Reichen notes that they are ahead of Jon and Kelly, but unsure where Dave and Jeff are. Still, he’s confident the Goats have found their way to Hawaii.
Cut to a near-deserted Sydney airport, where ‘Dave and Jeff’s Excellent Adventure’ is just now boarding a flight for Honolulu, hoping both of the other teams make a 24-hour mistake. Hello, CBS? I don’t want to see these pathetic imbeciles again until they get the “Go Home, Losers!” note when the race ends. They are out of it. We understand.
Back to Hawaii, where Kelly and Jon have landed, and follow Chip and Reichen toward Kaulana Bay. Chip may not have diarrhea, but his unibrow is furrowed and pulsating. He gets stuck in traffic, he gets stuck behind a sightseer, and his face begins to contort. He looks like he’s about to blow. Reichen tells him to go as fast as he wants as long as he promises to slow down around curves. (Easing down to Mach 6 should do.) Chip violates traffic laws to pass the sightseer. Frankly, this guy had a lot of nerve looking around at dismal ol’ Hawaii. Eventually they arrive at the Route Marker, and find the Roadblock.
In this Roadblock, one person has to swim to a tiki buoy, dive to the bottom of the bay grab a big white rock, bring the rock to the shore, and chisel it open to find the clue. It’s a weird geological phenomenon, these ancient Hawaiian cluerocks.
Chip swims out about 100 yards to the rock, and dives down about 15 feet, and claims the rock, eventually hoisting onto the beach. He begins to chisel away at it, and eventually smacks his own hand with the sledgehammer. He switches tactics, gently pinging the free-standing chisel and watching it fly across the beach. Not once. Three times. Eventually he abandons the chisel and begins pounding the rock with chain-gang intensity. Reichen is aroused by this. Eventually the rock succumbs to Chip’s fury, and they retrieve the clue. The next Route Marker is at Hawaii Volcanoes National Park. They hop into the car and drive away. Reichen says, “This is it. Now it’s about not making any mistakes and just getting to the finish line.” But can Chip avoid driving into an active volcano?
Kelly and Jon arrive at the ancient cluerocks, and decide Jon should do the swim. He doesn’t want to get his underwear wet, and, with Kelly’s dare, he decides to do the swim naked. Down come the briefs, and up comes a little, I mean little, Blurry Genitalia Dot. Kelly makes some crass comments about a full moon, and not damaging the merchandise.
There’s no explaining what he does next. He brings the rock to the beach and squats down next to it to begin chiseling it open. He’s naked, but he puts on gloves and eye protection. He’s going to straddle the rock and bash down on the sharp pointy chisel with an unwieldy sledgehammer. The point of this is to blast away bits of stone, driving small shards in every direction.
Did I mention he’s naked? It’s a Paleolithic Home Circumcision Kit. (Now with Shrapnel!)
Kelly asks him if he wants to put his “panties” back on, and I’m forced to rewind and look at his underwear again. No, it’s regular men’s briefs, but he’s not putting them on. I can’t watch the rest of ‘Caveman Jon Pierces His Penis’, so I fast forward. With any luck he’s “damaged the merchandise” and will not reproduce.
Both teams are now driving toward the volcano. Chip and Reichen arrive first at the clue box, and are directed to find the anchor of the U.S.S. Arizona. The ship is at the bottom of Pearl Harbor, but the anchor is in Phoenix, the final destination city. They head off to Hilo Airport.
Kelly and Jon arrive at the volcano and scramble across the lava, read the clue and head for Kona Airport. Kona is farther away, but there are more flights available.
Chip and Reichen book flights from Hilo to Honolulu and on to Phoenix. Kelly and Jon leave Kona, bound for Honolulu and that same Phoenix flight. During the short layover, Chip calls the airline to beg for seats in the front row, hoping to get off the plane a few minutes before anyone else. As it turns out, Kelly and Jon get seats four rows back.
Chip and Reichen use this layover time to approach strange men in the airport waiting room. No, they’re not hustling for quickies, they want to know precisely where the Arizona’s anchor sits. They find someone with a cell phone who calls a friend who gives them the street address. Whoa… reality shows blur together… these guys just used the Phone-A-Friend Lifeline for the Million-Dollar Question.
Before they get on the plane, RiceChex has the street address for the Arizona monument; Kelly and Jon have a vague idea it might be in Phoenix somewhere. As the Chippendales stroll onto the plane, they give the Freakindales the cold shoulder. Ham-handed editing tells us the seating is very important. The plane takes off, with Kelly and Jon wringing their hands. Chip glances back over his shoulder with a satisfied smile. Not the first time, I’ll guess.
*************************
When we come back from commercials, CBS rehashes the “look where they are sitting” crap, and both teams talk about pressure. Hey you want tension? Let Chip fly the plane.
They land in Phoenix, and both teams sprint through the terminal. Chip and Reichen are well in front, thanks to those front-row seats. Of course, they are also pushing other people out of the way, declaring they have an “emergency.” Naturally, the other folks are panic-stricken. Maybe we’re a little sensitive since Sept. 11, but isn’t running through airports shouting, “Emergency!” a little bit like shouting “Fire!” in a theatre? These guys should have been wrestled to the ground by security guards.
Chip and Reichen pile into a cab just as Kelly and Jon emerge from the terminal. As the taxi speeds away, Chip tells the driver, “This is a matter of life or death for us.” I’m hoping for death. This driver doesn’t give a f*** if they live or die, but he would like the $50 bills Reichen is waving. Reichen slips him some money, tells him the street address and describes the anchor.
Jon and Kelly tell their taxi driver to find the anchor, and start passing him $100 bills. And they start asking about shortcuts. Reichen is also talking to the driver, and balks at the driver’s suggested route. “I think 10th is a bad idea,” he says, as if he knows more about the streets of Phoenix than the taxi driver. Arrogant a-hole!
Chip and Reichen arrive at the anchor first, and slip on the rain-slick concrete steps. The clue directs them to Sun Devil Stadium. They speed off. Jon and Kelly arrive, read the clue and run for the cab. Jon’s attempt to leap a short wall fails when he slips. First the circumcision, and now he cracks his testicles into a stone wall. Hallelujah, now he’ll never reproduce!
The clue inside Sun Devil Stadium is a little puzzle. “Happy Valentine’s Day plus White plus White.” It means they have to find a seat for an Arizona football game, which is pretty easy these days. But it’s a specific seat. Section 214, Row 33 (Wilford White’s jersey number), Seat 11 (Danny White’s jersey number). This is a lame attempt to tie another stadium into the game, and a really stupid puzzle. Of course, gay guys don’t know anything about sports, so the two bozos stand around the field, and then go to section 2, row 14, instead of sprinting to section 214, which any intelligent (i.e. heterosexual) person would do. Get to the right section, and the tickets are taped to a bench. Eventually, even these guys figure that out, and Chip is running back down the stadium steps when Jon and Kelly arrive. And who says they are stupid? They solve the puzzle almost immediately, and grab the clue.
The final clue sends them all to Papago Park, where they are to mountain bike along a course and then run to the finish line. Gee, I wish Debra and Steve were here.
Both teams speed along to the park, the music builds and the editors slam in a bunch of quick cuts before we see a cab pull up at the bike rack. Suspense? Nah. It’s Reichen and Chip. The “Flight of the Intrepid” suspense music ends when they don helmets and set off down the bike path. Now we hear “Chariots of Flamers.”
Out in the sagebrush there is a large black mat, and blond man stands alone. Well, not alone. All the previously discarded miscreant losers are there, including all three fat guys named Steve. Everyone whistles and applauds as Reichen, then Chip, appear over the hill. Back at the start of the course, Kelly and Jon are just getting on the bikes. The winners abandon their bikes, and step on the mat, hyperventilating.
“Four continents, 24 cities, 44,000 miles,” says Phil, “Reichen and Chip, you are the official winners of The Amazing Race.”
Chip howls and clutches his gyrating eyebrow. They scream and hug, and begin to cry.
Chip tells us “the hardest part of the race was to open up to other people on it. To show a lot of wonderful people here that we are just like them. We’re Americans, we’re team mates of these guys, and we just happen to be gay.”
That’s right Chip. Sexual preference does not determine the winner. Every other contestant in the race knows that. All the viewers know that.
It. Is. Not. Important.
SO SHUT UP ABOUT IT!
In the midst of the celebration, Jon and Kelly ride up. There are cheers for them, but Kelly erupts in tears. Jon embraces her, and CBS editors kick start the sappy “Relationship Repair Module,” where both confess they love each other and how they would never have gotten here without each other, and how they are just so right for each other and how they will stay together forever because any real human partners would have tortured and killed them by now.
And that’s the end of the…
WAIT!!
It’s 5:30 a.m. at Hawaii Volcanoes National Park. David and Jeff stride out of the darkness to get the clue. “Reichen and Chip have crossed the finish line. The race is over. Kelly and Jon came in second. Because the show is cancelled, we cannot afford to fly you home. Enjoy the surf.”
The Goats have a little confessional in Hawaii about how great the whole thing has been, but I’m not listening. I’m wondering why no one has told them they have bizarre patches of hair on their face. And dammit, which one is Jeff?? Something was said about having a great life, but hey, they lost, so screw ‘em.
Back to the winner’s mat. The other teams have gathered around to congratulate the winners, console the losers. It is Reichen’s turn to tell us that gays can do anything. (SHUT UP!! We know you are capable, well-adjusted folks who merely enjoy an extra penis in your lovemaking.)
He also says he’s learned is that he’s “Very loved by my partner and I know that I can feel safe and happy and protected when I’m around him and I trust him implicitly.”
Safe??? Unless Chip is driving, of course.
Chiop wants us to know that “people can look at us and see love, and partnership, and know that we are committed to each other and can do anything.”
In case you haven’t heard, Reichen is now single.
The final shot is a group shot, where everyone is applauding, some more than others.
The mortified look on Josh’s face says it all.
“HOW CAN WE LOSE TO THE GAY GUYS???? THEY SUCK!!!!”
