Alright boys and girls, sit yourselves down and get ready for the funniest hour of reality TV we've had in a while.

Last week on the Amazing Race:
-Teams travel to Korea
-One male member of each team completes a frigid underwater swim. All four men shout as they leave the water “It’s shrinkage, SHRINKAGE! For the love of god, please, turn the camera away!”
-Kelly spends hours breaking boards after Jon suggest “Imagine it’s my face, hit my face!”
-It’s a non-elimination and they all move on.

Seoul, South Korea, Palace Pit Stop.
There is some useless cheesy foreshadowing about Jon and Kelly maybe using the fast forward because of her mangled hand.

Jon and Kelly, followed by Chip and Reichen leave first and head for Gangbang, sorry… Hangang Park. Reichen asks Chip “Where do you think Yanni-do Park is?” Chip has no idea. No idea, really? You must study up on your Korea park knowledge Chip! We then get a side interview with Reichen saying, “When we’re really intense and forget to have fun at all, it’s really crippling.” Translation “I’m not getting any!”

Clowns leave pit stop looking for Yoda Island. John asks, “Where the hell is Yoda Island?” Al has no idea. No idea, really? You must study up… etc. We then get a side interview absolutely PACKED with cheesy typical TAR lines “It’s do or die, you have to be on your toes, every minute counts.” Yes, yes, boys, we know you’ve studied up on TAR lingo, now get going.

Back in their cab, the tension gets to Chip and he transforms into… UGLY AMERICAN. “Chip…ANGRY! Cab driver not speak English! Why not speak English? Listen, Chip can say ‘Please, Please, Please’ in Korean!” Short pause for me to laugh and make bad sexual innuendos about the only Korean word Chip knows… and off we go. Chip is so angry at the Korean speaking cab driver by the end of the ride that he threatens not to pay him by making the international fingers rubbing together “I’ll pay you” symbol. That’ll teach him, Chip!

The clues are on kites in the air. Clowns get the clue. Jon destroys half of the set up, then gets the clue. Reichen and Chip get the clue, giving me another innuendo laugh at Chip shouting, “Here it is, grab it Reichen!” and Reichen saying “What? The clue?” Hey, I’m not even making this up, folks! David and Jeff eventually leave and get the clue too.

Everyone heads to the airport to catch flights to Brisbane, Australia. A fog comes down on their way to the airport. Kelly says she’s never seen anything like it. Now friends, tell me, where, WHERE is she living that she has never seen fog. Never?

Big-time foreshadowing warning: Clowns are at the airport. They make the call to book their flight, are told that flight is their only option. And then… the slow-motion phone hang up. Now we’ve all been watching TAR for a while now and we know, the slow-motion shot is DOOM. And when the slow-mo shot is followed by scary fast techno music, a team is in BIG trouble. And yes, all teams get on a good flight except the clowns. They get a direct flight leaving some time later and arriving sometime later. The audience doesn’t get to find out when because it would affect the fabulous TAR editing plan.

On Australian soil, David and Jeff decide to go for the Fast Forward. At this point, Phil gets a voice-over telling us to remember, “A Fast Forward does not guarantee victory.” Oh shut it, Phil, we’re on to you and the fake TAR suspense! Nice try.

Kelly and Jon hop on the train and Chip and Reichen hop in a cab, all heading for a Holiday Inn. Reichen comments on how nice it is to have English speaking cab drivers. Meanwhile in Korean, the Mayor of Seoul announces the “Chip Leaving Korea” festival. The taxi driver cheers are deafening!

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Detour. Remember folks, a Detour is a choice between two task: One, scary and fast, the other boring and slow. They all choose to rappel face first down the side of the hotel. Chip and Jon go first. Chip, who apparently spent his childhood reading Katy Keene and Betty and Veronica comics yells, “Spiderman, here we are!” when he hits the ground. Reichen and Kelly go next. About half way down Kelly gives us a horrible insight into what she may sound like in bed, moaning and grunting while she screams “I hate this, I hate it!” Shudder… They all finish and hop into cars to drive themselves to Underwater World (insert bad Kevin Costner movie joke here).

Cut to the Fast Forward. David and Jeff have to rescue a victim from the water via surfboards. And they SUCK at it! To the relaxing sounds of Hawaiian music, they try again and again to pick up a girl with their surfing prowess. Jeff says it was harder because the surfboard was bigger and the water was 80 degrees not the 60 degrees he’s used to. Wait a minute, warmer water makes it harder? What, were your muscles so relaxed that you couldn’t perform? Not being numb from the neck down put you off your game?

Meanwhile (or at least meanwhile according to the TAR editing team), the Clowns do the rappel and head for Underwater World.

Cut to Underwater World and J&K and R&C. Roadblock! Kelly (whose bio says she is afraid of sharks) thinks she should do it. Jon points out that “We’ve got to beat these guys” and takes it himself, joined by Reichen. They don scuba gear and prepare to walk through a huge tank filled with 100 sharks. They are told to keep their arms together and that they are “Not allowed to step on the sharks.” Not allowed? Damn your ridiculous rules!

Cue Shark music and the funniest scene I have ever seen are on TAR: Jon walks through the water while Kelly frantically waves and bangs on the glass. You can see in Jon’s eyes what he is thinking: “Stop…banging…on…the…glass…you…stupid…cow.” It gets better: Reichen is walking along when right up behind him comes a shark. This shot couldn’t have gone better if they were drawing it for a Looney Tunes cartoon. Reichen, with gigantic shark behind him, starts waving his arms around. Chip freaks out, pointing to the shark. Reichen sees it and…right there…pees his scuba pants on national TV.

Pit Stop race begins! Kelly reads the clue “Make your way on foot to the pit stop, on foot Babe!” Chip also reads the “On foot” part out loud then he and Reichen run to their truck to drive to the pit stop.

David and Jeff arrive first. A hot Australian girl welcomes them. For some reason they seem happier to see her than the scary warrior men who usually greet them! They win a trip, bla bla bla, are in the final three.

Meanwhile, Clowns do the shark thing, very…very…slowly.

Reichen and Chip beat Jon and Kelly to the Pit Stop but discover they have earned a 35 minute penalty for cheating. Now they have to wait to see if Jon and Al can make it there in 35 minutes.

Jon and Al arrive. We’ll never know how long it actually took them to get there, could be 36 minutes, could be 3.6 hours. That’s for the TAR editing team to know and us to swear and complain about.

Cue sad music and moving words as the clowns say their goodbyes. Sniff…sob… they were no Kevin and Drew from TAR1, but we liked them nonetheless. Bye boys. Hugs all round with the other teams.

Cheeseball mission statements from the teams include: “There is only a winner and nothing else” and “You haven’t seen nothing yet”. Oh good, I was worried.

Next Week:
-It’s the final three.
-There are kangaroos, horses and physical threats. Reichen and Chip wanna punch someone, we’ll assume it’s Kelly and Jon and not the horses.
-Reichen’s foot gets run over by a truck. Possibly Jon and Kelly’s truck? Now that would be something we haven’t seen yet!
-Some sort of land ski-doo flips over with a team inside.

BUM BUM BUM BUMMMMMMMMMM. It’s getting good, folks, the cheesy mission statements say it all!