Previously on TAR…brak brak brak.

Chip ‘n’ Dale get to rip the magic envelope (yes, that’s a euphemism) at 10:26pm, and for their efforts, they’re invited to a Buddhist temple, where they will find their names on prayer icons. Note to self: One more reason to be glad the Werewolf and the Mole were eliminated in the prior episode – I can see another voodoo curse comment or a worshipping icons comment coming in here otherwise. They get to the temple and are led to what looks like a fake Christmas tree covered in plastic snowglobes. When they find the one with their names on it, they’re given the key to a chastity belt and told to pick out their purse hanging in the temple. After fretting that it doesn’t match anything that they’re wearing, they get their clue and are told to head to Seoul, South Korea. Since the airport vans only leave at half-hour intervals, Reichen takes a moment to pray. He explains that he doesn’t usually pray, but until he met Phil and Chuck, he didn’t have much worth praying for.

We then repeat the scene with each of the other teams. Jon & Kelly do particularly well at this task, since it allows Jon to focus on himself. Dude & Bro did well once they realize their names were written in English, while other people’s weren’t.

After each team completed the task, the vans took off a half-hour apart. This should prevent bunching, right? Ha ha ha! Is this your first Amazing Race? After all, they have to wait for the ticket counters to open, and for the flights to take off. So if any of you were actually surprised that they were all on the same flight to Singapore, shame on you.

Once in Singapore, Chip ‘n’ Dale and Kelly & Jon decide to waste their time doing trivial things like eating and sleeping. The boys relish their American food (foreshadowing, anyone?). Meanwhile, Dude & Bro try to demonstrate that they’re not as dumb as they look by trying to get on an earlier flight out of there. Don’t worry guys, we know no one can be as dumb as you look and live past the age of 10. They manage to get tickets to fly standby on an earlier flight. The Clowns follow suit. As it’s getting closer to departure time, Dude & Bro are punked by some airline personnel trying to make their mundane work day just a tad more interesting. You see, the dudes were told that they would have to buy standby tickets for the flight, and they said OK. Apparently, some money changed hands at this point. Well, it turns out that telling an airline ticket counter agent that you want to buy a standby ticket for a flight and handing them money does not necessarily mean that they are going to give you a ticket on the flight. At this point, I want to hug that ticket agent, since I admire such evil tactics. Hee hee hee. But then Dude & Bro still got on the flight. Boo.

The teams arrive in Seoul and try to get taxis to the Tower, only to learn that (gasp!) people don’t speak English here! After some bizarre charades (but mercifully, no balancing of things on noses), the teams of Dude & Bro and the Clowns find out that they have an expensive cab ride ahead. They decide to share a cab. This puts the Clowns in their happy place, since they’ve been feeling strange riding in cabs with so few people for so much of the race. If only the other two teams were there, they’d feel even more at home.

Chip, meanwhile, has to feed his obsession to have a cab driver who speaks perfect English. (Dude, don’t ever go to New York City, ok?) He finally gestures frantically enough at an airport cabbie to get driven to…a hotel, where the English speaking staff help him find another non-English-speaking cabbie to take them to the route marker. As the 4 teams speed to the next route marker, we’re reminded that they will be traveling very near the North Korean border. Dude & Bro are psyched at the prospect of seeing Hawkeye, Trapper John, and Frank Burns – they’ve missed watching them on TV. Their cabbie, a North Korean spy, is quite happy to be able to deliver these four Americans, their cameramen, and some fancy equipment to the North Korean government. They almost make it to the tanks before the team members convince the cabbie to turn around. (‘fess up…how many of you were disappointed?)

Chip & Reichen are pleasantly shocked to discover that they are the first to reach the route marker. “How the hell are we number one? ‘Cause we had a taxi driver who knew where the hell he was going.” Well Chip, if you’re going to keep yelling at the guy to teach English by forcing it directly into his skull, he’s going to do everything he can to get away from you ASAP. They open the envelope to find…

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

ROADBLOCK!

At this roadblock, one member of each team must strip down to practically nothing, and swim under the ice. Before they take the dip, they are given a medical exam to prove they aren’t pregnant, have a heart condition, or any of the 348 things that could preclude someone from riding Space Mountain. They also have their temperature taken before and after the swim, and they cannot continue on until their body temperature has risen to a safe level. INSERT RECTAL THERMOMETER JOKE HERE – I won’t go there. To the disappointment of all straight women and gay men, Chip decides to take the plunge, and Reichen remains fully clothed.

By the time Chip is ready to go down, the other three teams have arrived. The Clowns try balancing things on their noses to break the tension. Sigh. Once Chip has completed the task, Jon gets ready to go. Obviously, their team made the wise decision, since Kelly is so naturally frigid that the medical staff would never have let her leave the roadblock after the challenge. He’s followed by Bro (or is it Dude? Don’t know, don’t care) and one of the Clowns (see previous parenthesis). Each time, we hear the swimmer talk about his concerns about precious body parts freezing and cracking off, and each time, we see a supportive team member thanking God that the other one agreed to do this. I just kept wondering what Team ATC would have been like during this.

After Dude & Bro grabbed their clue, they realized that they would either have to wait for the Clowns or ditch them without a cab. They remind us that this is a race and that each team has got to look out for themselves. Who thought they were going to leave the Clowns behind? Go to the back of the class.

Now we’re treated to that thrilling sight of teams stuck in traffic. Whoa boy, I never get tired of that one. As they head toward the subway station, the teams debate which would be faster – driving to the correct station, or getting on the subway and going to the station. The answer? It depends.
- If you’re Dude & Bro, you’re going to get lost whichever choice you make, so just accept it.
- If you’re Reichen & Chip, the only thing that matters is how much English your cabbie speaks. Anything else is irrelevant to the true mission of life…to find an English-speaking cabbie in every freakin’ country in the world. Even those without cabs.
- If you’re the Clowns, it doesn’t matter, since you can’t balance a taxi or a subway car on your nose.
- If you’re Kelly & Jon, you’re just going to fight anyway.

The best part of Kelly & Jon fights is learning more about their special brand of logic. For Jon, the best reason to stay in the cab was because they were able to cross over water. Subways can’t go through water, can they? No, Jon, but they can go through tunnels…maybe they have those in Korea. We’re also treated to some Kelly logic, where she hopes that he gets eliminated, since he’s an asshole, and that would prove that assholes don’t finish first. Who had to resist the urge to yell at the TV that she would be eliminated too? Cmon, raise ‘em high. She did, however, remember that she was “engaged to that asshole”. Now I’m picturing them at the dinner table, with her pointing out all of the people she knows who told her not to marry the asshole. I did not need that visual of what they were going to be like after a year or two of marriage. And when she said, “I’d rather not come in then come in last”, I had new understanding for Jon’s orgasm comment in Le Mans. I did not, however, need to have that visual of their bedroom.

Anyway, Kelly & Jon are first to the route marker, and when they open the clue we find it’s time for…

DETOUR!

Strong stomachs or strong hands? Kelly has stomached enough to be hesitant about testing her stomach further. Jon’s hands are quite strong (insert Kelly frigid joke here), so they decide to go for strong hands. Turns out they have to learn enough Tae Kwon Do to break boards with their hands. Kelly breaks her hand and is getting frustrated, until Jon hits on the perfect strategy and implores Kelly to imagine she’s hitting his face. At that point, she not only breaks the boards, but three concrete blocks.

Chip ‘n’ Dale decide to pick strong stomachs, since it’s closer. Taking the high road, not going where I could here. They are both given plates of cut up live octopi and told to enjoy. Chip’s doing all right, but Reichen is having trouble with the sucking going on inside of his mouth. Still planning to stay on the high road. “I had this web of octopus in my mouth.” Fighting urge to go there. Reichen asks if it’s OK to vomit. Sure, why not, we viewers have found many puke-worthy events in this race. Chip finally mixes up some octopus shooters, in honor of the oyster shooters they had at their wedding, and Reichen’s finally able to get them down. Note to self: Call up friends who invited me to their Big Fat Gay Wedding and thank them for serving real food at their reception. I love oysters, being Maryland born, but come on people!

The Clowns finally get to the right subway station and decide to go for strong hands. They quickly break the boards. Dude & Bro, after getting lost almost as much as they did in the first episode, decide to do strong stomachs since it’s closer. Too bad for them that they don’t have strong stomachs, when they realize “it’s like eyeballs and stuff.” Can you imagine what it’s like to get directions from these guys? Dude, you go down that road for…a while until you see…some stuff and then you turn…um, yeah. They end up going and breaking some boards.

It’s a sprint to the final route marker! Who…will…be…the…last…team…to…arrive? And do any of us really care, since most of us have already deduced that this will be a non-elimination leg?

Kelly & Jon get there first. Kelly giggles that they’re virgins, since this is the first time they’ve finished first. Um, Kelly, did you ever use that line on Jon before? Jon talks about how Kelly kicked the asses of all of the guys in the race, and is relieved that she can finally point her foot into someone else’s butt besides his.

Reichen & Chip get there second. Both of them tell Phil that gay guys would beat him up if he wore that outfit in San Francisco, because it’s just too tacky for words.

Jon & Al finish third. They still haven’t figured out how to balance Phil on their noses, so they just cheer.

Dude & Bro finish last. They are ready to pack up and go home (and who would miss them, since none of us really noticed they were there?), but Phil tells them it’s a non-elimination leg. Apparently, there were still two people left on the planet who found this news surprising. They cannot stop saying, “Dude, are you serious?” until Phil threatens to strangle them with his turtleneck.