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THE AMAZING RACE EPISODE SUMMARIES
Season 3 Episode 9 Summary:
"Shtickle Me Phil-mo"
A D V E R T I S E M E N T
A D V E R T I S E M E N T
Previously 5 teams set out and 5 teams finished. John Vito & Jill discovered to their relief when they flopped onto the mat moments after 4th placed KennyG that it was the first of 3 pre-determined heartstopping second chances known as the Non-Elimination Round.

Flo flirted with Drew and launched an outpouring of hate on the boards for her abandonment of her partner Zach. Her Whine-A-Thon reached unprecedented heights as teams scaled an Alp in search of the pit stop. Ian told Teri that her pants falling down wasn't important in the great scheme of things. He cannot conceive of the horror endured by those of us on the wrong end of the camera lens.

Tonight is a special double episode but only one team will be eliminated at some point during the festivities. Which one will it be and when?

Teams are resting mandatorily at Chalet Arnika nestled on a Swiss Alp, taking their ease at the 8th pit stop in the Race Around The World. 80,000 square miles of Alps stretches across 9 nations. Once again, Phil educates and elucidates. Isn't he adorable? Too bad that mousy brown top he is wearing not only narrows his shoulders but makes him look like he needs a bra. It's one of his least attractive outfits, and that aint no A cup baby. Bad shirt, Phil. Put it in the pile marked "To be Torn Up for Car Polishing Cloths."

As teams eat together, they're forced to mingle and Phil takes his cue to ponder the imponderable. Will Flo & Drew get serious in their relationship? Can Jill & JohnVito "climb" out of last place? Which ugly body part will Teri reveal tonight?

At 4:55 a.m., the Amazing Super Studs (a.k.a. the Twins) are first to rip open the first clue. They do so with grace, style and panache. It is one of their best moves. We learn together that the "key" to the next adventure is located here in Grindelwald. Get to the Glitcherschleppershluct - a gorge (German is fun that way, so many letters to say so little). At the bottom of Glitcher Gorge needy teams will find a key to open a car in which clues await their shreddy fate.

Hours of operation 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. WooHoo! The motto this season is apparently "Schmoosh Early, Schmoosh Often."

Derek wants Drew to feel like he's helping, so he lets him count the money for this leg of the race. "$20, $40, it's all here." :lol. Drew voices over that with Derek married and himself not dating anyone, being single is a definite advantage. If there is some girl he's interested in, well you never know where you're gonna find love. Indeed.

However, since it's Flo he's interested in, I think he needs to insist on medical and psychiatric reports before he shops for that ring.

The A.S.S. climb up a little way to wait for Zach & Flo to join them for a powwow.

Flo tells us that Zach is a great guy, but Drew - well Drew is a little bit older, a little bit more grounded and a lot more HOT (well she doesn't say that but that's what she is thinking.) If he's interested, so is she. This bit is going to be repeated several times throughout this ep, with only very slight variation. I'm mentioning it just this once.

Teri says no one has decided to ally with them. Being nasty to each other and those around will have that effect. Ian thinks the other teams fear them. I think the only thing other teams fear is being stuck with them at a task that requires players to disrobe.

Team OhBother - KennyG - are 4th to leave. Jerry Bruckheimer has been watching Survivor AND has been taking notes. Gerard tells us he misses his family. He has 2 1/2 year old twins and spends a lot of time not trying to think about them. Or is that trying not to think of them? All I can say is way to coax segue material out of the contestants, JB.

5.08 JV&J leave last. JohnVito says that coming last was horrible. Jill says it was scary enough that they don't want to do it again. The dead brother has been really quiet and I have a feeling he's gotten separated from his teammates. We haven't heard from him for a long time and I think he's still in Morocco.

What can only be described as the bone-headed move to top all previous bone-headed moves by one of my fave teams, JV&J tellus they are planning to check out the FF clue. They are separated from the front teams by less than 15 minutes. 15 minutes! Not one hour, not 2 hours, but 15 minutes. And to make matters even more ridiculous, the FF clue cannot be obtained until the Gorge opens, almost 4 hours from now. Given the inordinate amount of shmooshing in this leg, it just seems morally wrong to even be considering going for the FF. JV&J even have a really good Guide to Grindelwald. How much more of a lead on other teams can you get?

With 4 hours til they can GlutcherShlep, FloZzz and the A.S.S. find a hotel bed to have an orgy. (We wish - we need some kind of exciting action to ease the boredom of watching teams sit in their seats. That's what this ep is, mostly. A lot of sitting in train, plane and automobile seats.) Actually they just all 4 cuddle up and snooze.

Zach is resigning himself to the fact that Flo is a lot more interested in Drew than she is in him.

Meanwhile, thrifty teams JV&J, IT and KG are at the ShlepperRestaurant, laying down on hard benches for their snooze. It speaks poorly for the mandatory resting that teams already feel the need for sleep.

At the Gorge, teams shlep their way 280 feet down and are walking all around, back and forth in front of the keys. Where's Phil with his Shtickle? "Teams need to notice that the keys are right there, nestled on a bit of wood nestled just off the trail."

Finally Zach (of course) notices the keys and tells Flo. Teams need to scurry over to grab a key and to scurry back before Ian & Teri see where they're scurrying. Ooops too late. Here come IT round a bend. At least they are last to grab their key.

Shtickling Phil: "Drive 36 miles to the town of Kandersteg, load onto the car train to take you through the Alps, then find the Red Bridge."

JV&J are determined to use the Fast Forward. The clue tells them to go to some Cheese place and eat their way to the FF. It couldn't sound iffier, unless you really like cheese AND really like the particular brand of cheese they've decided to use for this task. I'd be blowing off the FF this round from the description alone, but it's not up to me to decide. Furthermore given that teams are already shmooshed, why waste your FF when you are the only team left who can even do it?

Phil shtickles that it's a traditional cheese-making cabin nestled (is everything nestled in Switzerland?) in an alpine setting. The camera pans over a room filled with small cheese wheels manditorily resting on shelves and finally lands on THIS gigantic wheel of cheese, which "teams" have to eat as many cubes of as it takes to find the FF. We are even shown the resulting FF peeking out from beneath an opening in the cheese wheel.

And there's our clue that it's a Phil Shtickle, filmed well before the Race itself. JV&J are the only team left with the choice of going for {click on the Go For It meter} the FF. Why say "teams" unless it wasn't known at the time that there would be only one team with the FF option? To return to the topic - this task screams "Go Back! You are Going the Wrong Way!"

JV&J decide to go for it. :rolleyes {GFI click} They are the only team who can go for it {GFI click}, but it's a mistake, I tell you, a dreadful mistake. They say it would be horrible to be eliminated without having gone for {click} their Fast Forward. The truth is it's much worse to be eliminated because you went for {click} the Fast Forward during the wrong leg of the race.

FZ and KG, in their respective cars, are supplying us with details of the car train through the Alps task departing from Kenderstag. Phil already shtickled us with this. A double helping of such boring material means quality footage is at a serious all-time low.

Back to the Cheese Eaters. After their opening remarks on the stink of the cheese room and the thickness of the cheese pieces, I'm really surprised that one of them didn't try to talk the other out of this nightmare task. Why didn't they follow their instinct and go find the ferry? It was indeed, one of those tasks that shouldn't have been done.

FloZzz learn the train doesn't depart until 20 to 11, another shmooshy moment, as well as another moment to regret JV&J's cheese-eating fiasco. Teri has pumped information out of some bystander and learned that it is jumping that one shleps to the Red Bridge for. She is gloating and we quickly learn why. She tells Ian to give Flo a few extra moments of worrying about having to bungee jump. He is more than happy to comply, trotting over on his pig trotters. He is rewarded with Flo's stricken look of panic as we break for commercials.

I hate Ian and Teri for that. Much as I dislike Flo's whining, this bit of nastiness proved never say never. I thought Ian & Teri could never be lower in my esteem. How wrong I was. Ian is intent on earning the "Cretin For Life" award with Teri as his "Lieutenant Cretinette."

After quite a few but not too many of pieces of horrible cheese, JV&J find the Fast Forward clue. Phil shtickles about bypassing all other tasks. "Get to Montroye (Montreux) and find Steamship Savoie in the middle of Lake Geneva," Jill reads aloud in her Noo Yawka accent

FZ are first on the car train. The car hadn't even come to a proper stop and she was opening the door and hopping out to hop into the backseat of Drew & Derek's car. She and who she hopes was Drew spent the whole ride flirting "innocently". I'm sure they both thought it would have been nice if Derek had gone to keep Zach company.

Everyone is at the Red Bridge. It's a Detour and here is Shtickling Phil to shtickle us his usual tune. Pros and Cons. Ups and Downs. Ins and Outs. "Extreme Swiss" involves walking on the narrow bridge and taking the 620 ft plunge on a bungee cord. "Very Swiss" is driving 8 miles to a farm to search for one of a handful of keys hidden in the bell hanging around a handful of goats' necks. 'Handful' is the operative word. Have you ever tried to stop a sheep?

The A.S.S. go bungee jumping. Naturally. Flo's natural desire to do whatever Drew is doing competes with her natural fear of anything the least bit scary. No way she will bungee, but I still found myself crazily wishing Zach would refuse to do goat-handling. I guess the screech & whine just wasn't worth it. Ken & Gerard also elect to go for it {click} - the goat handling, I mean .

IT arrive as those two teams depart. "Did they get it already?" Ian is all worried HAHA. Enroute, Ger says he doesn't want to die cuz he has children. Ken doesn't want Ger to die cuz he has children. Haha. These two are funny without even trying hard.

Ian is incapable of opening the damn clue. He stands there, voicing over that he is very hard on Teri, and he unconvincingly says she is hard on him too. But being hard on each other works for the dynamics of their relationship. Blech :rolleyes Double Blech. The dynamics of their relationship, is that what they are calling it now? It's still "dysfunctional" where I come from.

Back to the A.S.S. Masters. Derek figures if he shows no fear, and just does it, Drew will do it. Drew says something really stupid about Derek doing the "older brother thing" and leading the way. C'mon - "older" brother? How much difference does 5 minutes make? A lot I guess - I'm actually starting to be able to tell them apart. And not just because of the Drew Wears Blue and Derek Wears Red golden rule of A.S.S. differentiation.

Derek jumps, screaming the whole way down. But it's a whoooooo situation when the bungee cord holds him.

Flo is low grade whining, as usual. Not even worth reporting but I need to get my word count back up. Zach says he loathes goats. Or was that "loves" goats?

"Drew, Own It," says Derek. I absolutely loathe that expression. It is so fey and pretentious and coy and silly. Yuck. Drew finally goes, but not before looking so cute cuz he's kinda scared and I'm beginning to fall for "those twins." They are my new favorite team.

KennyG get a key. Yay - they are also my new favorite team. Okay, second favorite. Drew is really looking sexy these days. Must be that little beard stubble he's working. mmm yumminess squared.

The clue is quite long and involved. "As you walk to your car, use this T-mobile to call your loved ones at home." Phil is here, to shtickle us with extra details. If teams exercise their option to phone home using the T-mobile, they must complete the T-mobile call before getting in their cars to get going. They must leave their T-mobile phone behind. They may talk as long as they like (on the T-mobile), but the longer they talk (on the T-mobile), the more they risk falling behind.

I sure hope you are in no doubt as to who is sponsoring this portion of the Race.

Ger talks to his wife. She's surviving day by day, sometimes hour by hour, very occasionaly minute by minute. He goes, "Good, so I can feel good about being here." This bugs me but I don't know why. It just seems kind of snotty.

Zach speaks with his older sister Ariel. (haha cute A to Z.) He is so practical - he uses the opportunity to tell her he forgot to pay his credit card bill and asks her to pay it for him. She tell him it's okay they already took care of that for him. "Go for the gold, little bro" - aww in't that sweet? Zach was so happy to talk to someone from home. Where was Flo's family, do you suppose? Flo talked with her best friend Lindsay, telling her to let her mom know that they spoke. I wonder if Flo's mom is in some kind of "rest home."

Once again KennyG and FloZzz are leaving as the Terriers arrive. Always smelling ass, eh? Ger tells them they get to talk to family. Teri starts running up that hill so fast, as Ian later recounts in the post-leg interview. For a moment this couple really seemed human and like a normal couple that any of us could be glad to see win. It was only for a moment, tho, so don't think I'm ever adding them to my list of favorite teams.

While Flo is still talking, Kenny is running to the car, calling over his shoulder, "Talk all day Flo. Take ya time honey!" heehee.

Chateau de Chillon is on Lake Geneva. It's the location for the next portion of the race. Now we see the Twins having their phone call. Derek talks with Rebecca, his wife of only a couple of months. The twins' mom is there and we see her speak with Drew. It's all very sweet, tho I don't recollect her wishing her sons a belated happy birthday.

While driving Zach says he's never said "I love you" so many times to his sister. I like Zach and it's just a shame he's in this Race with Flo. For her part, Flo says she is the happiest girl in the world right now. Her mood swings are so tiring.

Teri was pretty quick to get a key. She's on the phone in seconds, talking first with her sister Phyllis, who is apparently staying over to look after the IT's two sons, Brandon & Seth. We don't see them very clearly. They are obviously embarassed to let themselves be too easily identified. It's a "hello, I love you, here's Daddy, I love you, here's Mom, we're behind, we gotta go, Bye." Typical Jerks.

John Vito and Jill are preparing to land on the mat. Jill is putting on lipgloss so she can "look pretty for Phil, cuz you never know what it will get me." :lol. They're at Lake Geneva and have to get into a pedal boat and pedal over to the Steamship Savoie, the actual pit stop.

Phil is still wearing his Car Polishing Shirt. Ditch it, Phil, it's a fashion faux pas. Good news for JV&J. As winners of this 9th leg of the race they've won a 7 day Caribbean vacation cruise aboard the Royal Caribbean's Explorer of the Seas. Yay! Just in time for my current fave team they switched back to the cruise ship prizes.

Back on dry land, at Chateau de Chillon it's the Roadblock. You guessed it - here is Phil to Shtickle Us. "Assemble a Swiss Army bike, using another bike as reference. Once both bikes are assembled ride to the Lake." The clue says the person should be a "nuts & bolts kind of person." Ger does it, saying it's like Christmas Eve at home.

Drew does it but Derek is so full of helpful hints from the sidelines that I wonder why he pushed Drew to do it. Maybe it wasn't enough to count the money.

Ger finishes first and gets the clue that tells them to ride the two bikes to the marina to find the Pedal Boats.

Flo may be nuts, but Zach is more the nuts & bolts person in Team FloZzz. When Teri reads "nuts & bolts" Ian grudgingly concedes that this is his area of expertise.

While KennyG rode without incident and are already at the marina, Zach is chewing gum, thoughtfully putting his bike together. It's a wonder he can even see through the sweat pouring off him. The A.S.S. Masters are at the marina. Flo is looking pissed cuz Zach is not getting the bike put together fast enough.

Ken & Gerard are yelling "Phil? Where are ya, Phil" as they clamber up to the top deck. At the mat, Kenny does a baseball umpire "safe". Phil is putting on a very stern face. Ken says, "Don't even try it with the faces Phil, we know we're ahead of the other teams." Ger says, "C'mon do your shtickle." Still Phil stands there like he is unable to speak. Ken: "C'mon, c'mon" and he looks so loveable. I even wonder if maybe Phil fancies him. Who knows with the hosts these days? Don't the best ones always turn out to be gay?

Anyway, it's probably just that Phil really likes this team and loves pulling their legs. Finally he says, "Ken & Gerard," and those silly boys erupt in a cheer. Me too! Then he says "You're Team #2" "YAY!" Ken picks Gerard up and hugs him and then goes, "Man overboard" and makes as if he's gonna toss Ger over the side. Haha. They are so much fun, and so enjoying this race. It would be a shame for them to be out of the race, and Teri & Ian still in. Just the fact that the thought occurs makes me feel ill. And worried.

Teri & Ian have received a pass from the Bike Expert and gotten their instructions. Zach is still dripping sweat and working hard to complete his bike. Twins have biked so fast to the pedal boats that there wasn't even time to show them doing it. Damn! I wanted to see the fine A.S.S. in action. Why do we have to watch Teri & Ian being asses, instead of the fine A.S.S. simply working theirs out?

Derek & Drew are Team No. 3. Okay!

Zach is still receiving a Not Safe from the Bike Expert. Ian is back to being an asshole, yelling out in the streets - "look out coming thru" as he huffs and puffs and rides his bike in such an ugly way. Two seconds of looking like a normal human being was all we got, two lousy seconds and it's back to Ian the usual crudnik cretin.

Zach finally gets a pass from the expert and off whine Flo Zzz. Oooh what's this? Zach is taking a moment to remove the bottom of his pants, which conveniently unzip. It takes, um, about 30 seconds. Flo: "Whyyyyyyy? Zaaaach! Whaaaaaaaat are you doooooooooing?" The Flo-Whine-A-Thon goes from zero to 60 in nothing flat. 'Zaaa-aaaa-aaach. whyyyyyy are you doooooiing thaaa-aaa-aaat? C'moooooooon. Zaaaaaaaach. We could caaaaaaatch up to Teriiiiii and eeeeeeeeeeYan. Zaaaaaach. "

Zach isn't an idiot - we know that. He knows he is saving time, avoiding the much longer delay that could occur if his pant leg is caught in the chain and perhaps causes damage to the bike.

Not only that, those few seconds could have been spent profitably learning where they were supposed to be going. But that would have eaten into precious whining time, wouldn't it Flo? Silly cow. Once they are underway they are going the wrong way. This pisses me off so much. For once I'd like to see Flo get something useful done with a spare minute. She could have found someone to ask for directions.

Back to the IT. Teri falls off her bike. Camera shows us that she was so busy looking around she hit the curb and fell. Let us see - Ian says
1. You gotta get up.
2. Are you all right?
3. Get up and let's go.
Teri says the bike is broken. He grumbles but fixes it quickly. Teri says she fell off on purpose. Ian doesn't recognise sarcasm is my guess, cuz he says nothing. He probably figured it was good of her to at last own up to her shortcomings and general bad attitude.

FloZzz are who knows where, they seem to be going away from the water. Flo is cry-whining. It's simply amazing that her worst moments never occur when Drew is around. She is acting like an eight year old. They've finally arrived near the pedal boats. She won't run alongside him. She throws her bike helmet away (and the camera watches it roll down to the water). She is having yet another hissy fit.

Once she finally strolls down and climbs into the pedal boat, he is still being reasonable. "Why don't you put all that anger energy into pedalling the boat?"

"Whyyyyy should I exhaust myself when we've already loooooost?" Such a pain she is. Grrrr. Makes me mad. If she were in the team with Ian, I could feel for her situation. But she is not. So it is impossible for me (and I know many of you) to work up sympathy for Flo.

She goes so whiny so quickly it's just sickening. Now she's whining about losing. "I don't wahhhnnnnaaaa go hoooooommmme."

Who among us doesn't know what's really bothering her? She is unhappy at the thought of having to leave Drew just as things are starting to heat up.

Finally they arrive. Flo wipes her snotty little nose on her snot-ridden sleeve and drags her feet over to Phil. He looks at them for the briefest of moments and announces that they are indeed last. BUT. But the good news is it's the second of 3 pre-determined heartstopping second chances known as the Non-Elimination Round.

Flo is instantly happy, and to give her half a point, also contrite for being such a suckity suck and giving up. She is sooooo lucky to have Zach who kept going, blah blah blah. Blech.

However, I have to admit she does look adorable when she's happy and not whining. Easy to see how guys like her and her big boobs and sweet face.

So much for the First Hour. The pit stop is going to take them to Lucerne, which is a fun and efficient thing for a pit stop to do.

I think a new thread for Ep 10, don't you? Right after this station identification...


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