I settle into my chair at the usual time, and flick on CBS.
There’s Phil... that blond hair, those seductive eyes, that sexy little smile, those voluptous breasts...
He’s standing on a runway. But not an airport runway - it seems I’ve forgotten our last pit stop was a fashion show in NYC. Wait, what’s that? Jill in lingerie! Now we’re talking big ratings!!!
I check my watch... yup, 9 p.m.
Why are all these contestants wearing lingerie? Is that Flo? Teri? Ken???
No, thank goodness. These women are all 6 feet tall and 78 pounds... 22 of that is breast. They have ribcages like xylophones. Still, they look better in that lingerie than I do. Or my wife.
Ah, this is Victoria! And she’s us showing her Secrets!
But wait... where is The (Un-) Amazing Race? Where is Phil?
And what is Mr. Exposition Hands doing right now? (wink-wink, nudge-nudge)

...Fighting lust all the way to the VCR, I rewind the tape.

Now we see Phil Keoghan. He’s standing in the middle of Marrakech. He’s sporting a B cup, but he’s no Heidi Klum. Damn. I hate The Amazing Race.

Despite our indifference, Phil insists on reviewing a few key moments from last week. Ian is nasty. Flo whines. Aren’t you glad you didn’t miss that? Teri and Ian uncover rugs until they find the Fast Forward. Andre and Damon take the cab ride to hell, where they are “officially detained” by Pashtun warlords. Aaron and Arianne arrive so late that The Mighty Keoghan has to be roused out of bed to Philiminate their smarmy butts.
“Six teams remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?”

Who cares! That’s Giselle Bundchen showing a little bit of fur... oh damn. OK. The stupid race.

Phil tells us about the mandatory rest period, in which rest was apparently optional. Gerard is dancing with a belly dancer. Derek is dancing with Ken. Teri and Ian are doing shots. No, not small caliber gunfire. You wish.

It’s now 3:25 a.m. Teri and Ian are the first to leave, and they must travel “more than 1,500 miles” to Munich, Germany. Ian is pleased. The last time he left North Africa for Germany, he was chasing Field Marshall Rommel.
In fact, he’s still wearing his “Rat Patrol” hat.

Our media whores must make their to some gold statue, called “Frida is single.” Auric Goldfinger has been here. Nearby is a puppet show, where the ghost of Jim Henson waits with outstretched arm. Damn, that’s an ugly puppet. It looks like Ian!

Ian and Teri are off to Marrakech airport, where they debate the virtues of a Paris flight, or a Zurich flight. Both flights leave around 6 a.m. Who cares?

When 5:19 a.m. breaks, Flo and Zach open their envelope and discover they have one dollar for this leg. Zach stashes it in the Horrible Headband from Hell, where he will keep it for all eternity rather than spend it on Flo. Or food. Or shelter. God knows what else is stashed up there, but his head looks like the grill from a 1952 Buick Roadmaster.

He confesses in voiceover: “There are definitely a lot of ups and downs emotionally. We don’t go very long between yelling at each other and hugging each other.” Next, strangling each other!

They start moving through the alleys of Marrakech, fearfully dodging the wildebeests. Flo complains in voiceover: Sometimes I’m tough on Zach because sometimes he’s too laid back. He doesn’t push himself.” Hmm, I bet he was thinking “push!” at that cliff last week, you shrew.

Now we see heroic Zach striding purposely along an alley, geek-like flashlight protruding from his Bat-Utility Headband. Watch as heroic Zach turns tail and runs from a cat!

At 5:20 a.m. Gerard and Ken depart, claiming they are “under the radar.” They fail to realize their huge bald heads can be seen from space.

The Twins depart at 5:27 with a confession: “At the beginning of the race I think we were so stressed out after our fumbled first leg. Then we took this middle section and had this alliance with Ken and Gerard. It’s been so relaxing and fun which I think has allowed our performance to definitely step up.” yeah. whatever.

Flozac, Oh Brother and the Zoolanders all get in cabs, while the twins boast about their large wads

of cash.

John Jill and Vito Soprano check out at 5:32. It’s obvious that CBS is aware that Jill is the hottest babe in the show on a night when supermodels will be strutting in scanties. She’s had her hair done up all wavy and curly, and she’s apparently wearing three quarts of industrial shellac as lip gloss. They’re glistening like the tawch on the Stachoo a Libbity.

She’s wearing a light blue camisole top, with little spaghetti straps, and her arms are all buffed and glistening as well. She’s also wearing tight white pants. The cameraman is apparently still sleepy, for the camera repeatedly slips off his shoulder and plunges into her cleavage. In voiceover she proclaims how strong their team is and how they respect each other and how well they work with each other. As they charge ahead, the cameraman shoots her ass.

Off to the airport, where Teri and Ian are smug over their lucky break. It’s 5:40 and they’ve gotten tickets for a 6:05 flight to Zurich. Three minutes later Flo and the Grateful Headband arrive, followed quickly by The Four Brothers, and they all begin scrambling for tickets. Teri and Ian grab their bags and head for the plane. Nearby Morrocans can be heard mumbling, “Get out of the country.” Ian in voiceover: “Teri and I are the team. There’s no other team that we’re aligned with and my philosophy is strictly: Be focused - stay the course.” While this may seem arrogant and smug and overbearing, it represents Ian’s good side.

JVJ arrive and join the scrum looking for airline tickets for themselves, the cameraman, and her 11 stylists. The AssCam trails her into the airport, just in time to catch her suggesting they all fly to Casablanca and try the airport counters there. At 6:45 a.m. those four groups fly to Casablanca.

Andre and Damon. Remember them? They depart at 7:04. Everyone else is already in an airplane. Still Team 9-1-1 is optimistic. They whip out the Cliche-O-Matic and declare: “Even when the chips are down, we’re gonna be there until the end. We’re not quitters. We don’t give up. We’re gonna make it happen and do whatever it takes.” Spoken like a high school football coach with an 0-9 record. There isn’t a viewer left on the planet that thinks this team will survive the episode, but dammit: NEVER SAY DIE! Optimistically, they order the driver of the Mercedes-Benz cab to take them to Munich.

Instead they go to the airport, where clerks laugh derisively at the very idea of leaving the country. By 7:45, these lifelong friends are screaming at each other. Andre wants to take a three-hour train ride to Casablanca to try the airline counters there, while Damon wants to take a 25-second walk to British Air to ask if they have tickets. Logically, they leave the airport and jump in a taxi. It’s only 1 million donatos to drive to Casablanca. Our public servents quickly convert that to American doughnuts, and realizes it’s a bargain. Off they go, arguing about wasting time arguing!

Similtaneously, the others arrive at the Casablanca airport, Flo-ing down the ramp with big smiles as if they were royalty. The AssCam trails Jill until Gerard gets in front of the cameraman, who promptly hurls himself down an escalator.

Scrambling through the ticket counters, the Idiotic Eight find that all flights to Europe are overbooked. Flo and Jill are working together, the Brothers (very) Grim are working together.

Flo and Drew/Derek are caught in a little conversation in which Flo says: “ I don’t like it to be so ... nasty.” Drewek tells her: “You’re very good at it, what are you talking about! It’s like your nature to be nasty.”

Are they discussing the race, or a sweaty moment in the airplane bathroom?

Both agree that everything’s OK, as long as Andre and Damon don’t show up.

Andre and Damon show up.

Damon is “happy as hell right now,” but the others are pissed. Flo complains that “Andre and Damon piggyback on other people, so it’s over for them.”

She approaches the ticket window and begins speaking in tongues. Apparently, it is Italian, because Jill St. John Vito is nodding her head vigorously. Flo pleads with the ticket guy to put her group on a plane, but not Andre and Damon. Jill is laughing, Damon is confused. After this exchange, Flo tells the camera: “We are first on the waiting list, so it looks good. We just need for them to be left behind.” Ooooh, nasty.

Andre and Damon step up to the ticket counter, where we find the clerk speaks perfect English. The droll little man tells our intrepid heroes that sure there’s a flight. There’s just no seats. Oh, my heck, they are funny in Morocco. He puts them on the waiting list. They are “officially detained” once more.

Meanwhile, Drewek and Gerken have managed to get seats on Air France at 11:45. JVJ are right behind them. Flo and Zach are left behind (HA!) with Andre and Damon. Oddly enough, Gerard’s airplane seat is blue with a little red and yellow banner on it. Is this the official seat of The Amazing Race? And why are VitoJack and Jill seated in tan seats, and D&D are seated in yet another section, where there are plenty of open seats?

Andre and Damon settle in at the airport in Casablanca, worried that they might not get out until tonight, or tomorrow. As we break for commercials Andre says: “I wanna leave this place so bad.” (psst. Andre. You’re doomed.)

When we return, we find that screechy Flo and her Screech-head of a teammate have managed to get on a Lufthansa flight at 3 p.m. Andre and Damon are headed to Paris at 3:45 p.m. Maybe, just maybe, those boys in blue will survive.

Cut to Munich, where Teri and Ian arrive at 5:30 p.m. They make their way to the stupid puppet, Kasperelle, who wishes them good luck and sends them off to Innsbruck, Austria. Phil tells us “teams must travel more than 60 miles by train...” and we are not impressed. They must search for a statue of St. Anna near the Olympic Village. That was a short stay in Germany, but I guess those Innsbruck Olympics were a whole lot more fun than those Munich Olympics.

Three more teams arrive at 8 p.m., and Derek and Drew debate whether to wait for the slower Ken and Gerard. JVJ sprints ahead. Cut this against Andre and Damon, who are arriving in Paris, time not shown. They meet a Lufthansa employee, Fernhilda, who offers to try and help them move on to Munich. Damon declares her an angel. To me she looks more like Ilsa, She-Wolf of the S.S. Turns out that Colonel Klink is working at Lufthansa, and the boys are stuck in Paris after all.

Casablanca... Paris... Germans. Of all the gin joints in all the world... If only Peter Lorre would show up with Letters of Transit, these boys could get back in the game.

It’s dark in Munich when JVJ, DD and KG find the puppet show, and Jim Henson is in a coma. Teri and Ian are wandering lost through the Innsbruck train station.

It’s 10:30 in Munich when FloZac arrive, running through the airport because, as Flo notes “This is not a joke. We’re far behind right now. For sure far behind.”

For me, the next 15 seconds are priceless. In fact, I watched it 5 times. If I could insert a video clip here, I would.
Ian arrives at the route marker in Innsbruck, and confidently counts out the six envelopes in the box. He hands one to Teri, who tears it open and whaps hard Ian right in the chest. “Ouch,” he says, staggering back.

Whizzzzz. Whap! “Ouch.”
Whizzzzz. Whap! “Ouch.”
Whizzzzz. Whap! “Ouch.”
Whizzzzz. Whap! “Ouch.”

The Amazing Race doesn’t Suck all the time!
Whizzzzz. Whap! “Ouch.”

Teri opens the envelope and pulls out a Detour, which as we know, involves a choice between watching the rest of the tape, or switching to the Victoria’s Secret special.

No really-- it is Sled, or Skate. Ride the bobsled run, which is faster and cooler, or skate in circles, which is boring. Michael would have chosen to skate, of course, but the others will all go downhill fast. Except Andre and Damon, whose chances of winning have already gone downhill fast.

And was this sweet? Hours of operation: 8 a.m. to 7:30 p.m.

Ian’s Olympian ego is dashed, and we all smile.

Over at the Munich train station, JVJ arrive later than the others. Apparently, he had to drop off Ralph Cifarelli’s body parts. They meet up with the brothers, who proceed to make fun of Ian’s inhumane treatment of his loving pet, Teri. They think Ian is mean and overbearing. So I guess it’s not just editing.

FloZac arrive in Munich and consider the Fast Forward. As we go to commercials, Andre and Damon settle in Paris, where they hope to get the next flight at 6:45 THE NEXT MORNING. Sheesh. At least Michael and Kathy got to sex it up in a four-star hotel, you losers!

Return from commercials, and Flo has not shut up. They are arguing over whether to spend 25 bucks in a flophouse of a hotel, or look for something cheaper. Zach has his eye on a nice refrigerator box they can get for 40 cents.

JVJKGDD arrive in Munich, where, through the magic of editing, Jill instantly acquires a jacket in mid-stride. Flo and Zach continue to fight at the Munich flophouse. Since they plan to leave in four hours, Zach is negotiating to sleep in the soap dish for a nickel.

It’s 1:45 a.m. in Innsbruck when three teams catch up to Teri and Ian. The Ianderthal has grabbed #1 off the bobsled board, while D&D grab #2 and debate whether to tell the others. They whisper to Ken, who grabs #3 and yells for Jill to get #4. Such intrigue passes for entertainment?

They find Teri and Ian attempting to sleep at the bottom of the bobsled track, and Teri has managed to match Ian in the Hideous Hat department. Gerard sees Ian and announces to the others “The Big Kahuna is here!” Ian sees this as a compliment.

Munich, 6:45 a.m.: Veronica and Jughead exit the flophouse, and Zach has a serious case of bed head. On him, it’s an improvement. After four hours of argument, they have decided to go for the Fast Forward. They have to find a river, a bridge, and the weirdest thing this season, a guy surfing the river rapids who never moves forward, or back. Now this would have made a great roadblock! They get the FF and are directed to a cow pasture in Fussen, Germany. This is predictable. No one has done more Fussin’ than Flo. Zach laments that they could be in last place, but hopes that others are stuck somewhere.

Teri and Ian ride the head-rattling bobsled, but fail to acquire amnesia. The route marker directs them to the Gondola Nordkette and Seegrube station. The others follow them down the chute with various thrills and head-slapping fun. Hell, why not, we’re not losing!

Speaking of losers, Andre and Damon arrive in Munich at 8:20 a.m. The puppeteer gives them the finger and rides them out of town on a rail.

After a short wait, taxis arrive for JVJ and Oh Brother. As the taxi pulls up Jill shouts out, “Nice!” As Jill bends over to pick up her pack, the Blatant AssCam man shouts, “Nice!”

Four teams gather at the gondola, where they find a Roadblock, which is a task (blah, blah, blah.) Someone has to be lowered “more than 230 feet” from the gondola to the ground. Ian admits he’s afraid of heights, and sends Teri off to swing. One of the indistinguishable Twins will descend. Gerard chooses to get in the harness. Jill volunteers to go down. Panting, AssCam man waits.

Milliseconds after Teri survives the Ian-terrifying descent, he’s yelling at her to run. Gerard laughs from the gondola, yelling: “Teri, haul your ass!” The Teri-ble Duo are off to a cow pasture outside Neuschwanstein Castle, the inspiration for SleepingBeauty’s castle, which is sometimes referred to as Mad Ludwig’s Castle. It is a beautiful place. Phil declares the castle is the pit stop, but they never seem to get within 2 miles. Didn’t anyone call ahead?

Cut to Flo and Zach driving up to the castle, worrying about taking the FF and still finishing last. It’s a feat that never seemed possible, but yes, it’s been done. They run to the mat and are astonished to find out they are first. They are less astonished to find out they won two disposable cameras they can use to take pictures of Ken and Gerard, who won a cruise when they finished first. Zach wants to know the retail value.

The four gondola couples are preparing to head back to the train station, and one of the Twins has misplaced his route info envelope. Teri is nice enough to tell him where it is. Minutes later, the Twinbots unfold a map, and Teri asks for some info, which they shamelessly refuse to share for free. We get our quote: “I’m supposed to be indebted to her for the rest of the race?”
Teri is miffed. 30 years of Ian, and now this.

Speaking of Sleeping Beauty, Andre and Damon have fallen asleep on the train, and ride right through Innsbruck. Luckily they awake before Istanbul, but really, this didn’t matter at all. These guys are four months behind. Another TV promo that contained no vital info.

Back to the teams that matter. (sort of.) All four take off in cars, with the Twins leading the way. Ken and Gerard choose a different route, and IT and JVJ choose to follow Ken and Gerard. The Twins are miffed by this, insulted that other teams “think we’re incompetent. No more alliances!”

Two seconds pass.

Hey, the twins are hopelessly lost and arguing!!

Ken and Gerard are lost! Everyone’s lost!

Ken and Gerard blow a tire, but decide to drive on it anyway. Hell, it’s not their car! Ian passes them and drives away.

And somewhere, Andre and Damon are asking directions to Germany.

The Twins, who moments ago were on the brink of fisticuffs, arrive at the field-not-nearby-the-castle-in-the-distance, and are in second place. After they are welcomed, one says, “Danke Shoen!” I immediately begin to worry Ian will shout, “L’Chaim!” again.

Jill, JohnVito, AssCamMan and the 11 stylists arrive in third place, and Ian and Teri arrive in fourth.

Gerard and Ken approach the mat, bemoaning that they are going home. I wonder if Canada Girl is drunk yet. Gerard calls Ken “Maria Von Trapp” as the run to the mat, and then says “Phil, c’mon lay it on us.”

In the kind of pause normally reserved for presidential depositions, Phil holds his breath and contorts his face until his breasts bulge. I get up and make a sandwich, grab a soda. When I return, Ken and Gerard are packing, but Phil is still in his coma.

Then it happens! Heidi Klum runs up and tells Ken and Gerard they are Team #5, and presents them with Victoria’s Secret lingerie!!! Ken looks dashing in garter belt and thong!

The show SHOULD be over, but no. We have to wait for team 9-1-1, which is 9+1+1 hours behind. Perhaps it is the next day. Or next summer. They get the insult of insult. A clue that says, “Go Straight to the Pit Stop You Pathetic Losers.” Phil tells them they are eliminated and Andre declares they are proud of how they did. I am reminded that this was my preshow pick to win it all. Now I wouldn’t trust these guys to find a Dunkin’ Donuts.

On the next Amazing Race:

Phil: Teams give Ian the runaround...”

JVJ driving at night, refuse to help Ian with directions, and he knows it.
“They found it,” he says. “They just lied.”

Phil: “Some start to question Flo and Zach’s relationship.”

Gerard, on train, to Flo: “You guys friends, or lovers, or what?”
Ian to Zach: “Did ya schtup her?”

Phil: “And others fall behind.”

Ian is urging Teri to run down a street, with the Alps in the background.
Teri: “My pants are falling down.”
Ian: “This is more important that your pants falling down.”
Teri: Oh, you think so?
Ian: Yeah, I think so!

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And speaking of people without pants, it’s time for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show!