Before I start the summary, here’s a brief editorial note. It was almost exactly a year ago that I wrote my first summary for this board. Life was good then: I had just met a new boy, gotten a pretty sizable raise and was a happy little camper in virtually every conceivable way. My, how things have changed. I haven’t had a date in months, there’s this THING on my hand that looks suspiciously like an age spot and my campaign for board princess is being thwarted by a regal poster named Drive My Car (BTW, if she were Native American, her name would be Steal Your Thunder). Now, I know many of you are saying to yourselves “Why exactly do we care about all this?” Well, let me tell you why. My misery benefits you! A happy pooh is way too touchy-feely to write a scathing summary. But this p.o.-ed pouting princess-wannabe is harboring enough bitterness to belittle and besmirch the losers on TAR3 without a measure of decorum or restraint. So, instead of holding hands and singing “Kumbaya,” let’s all unite in our hatred and dish the dirt on these dumbasses!

TAR3 Episode 4 official summary Smart Women, Foolish Choices

Nine teams remain in The Amazing Race – let’s get to know them a little better.

1. Derek & Drew, the Twinbots. Created in a lab by some evil geneticist determined to build the perfect physical specimens. These DNA-blessed Adonises look like they were carved out of marble – but sound like their brains are made of granite. They’re fond of frolicking shirtless; I am fond of watching them do so.

2. Ken & Gerard, The Bald Bros – On paper this follicley-challenged twosome look like a train wreck. One is straight; one is gay. One is liberal; one is conservative. But they are self-depracating enough to be redeemable. There are other contestants much more worthy of scorn!

3. FloZach - Zach is a strange cross between Justin Guarini from American Idol and Screech from Saved by the Bell – and yes, that IS scary! Flo is a perennial also-ran in Zach’s life. She’s a “friend” who he just hasn’t realized he likes in “that way” yet. Flo thinks they’ll end up married someday. Zach’s hoping to finally get laid by the time they get to Thailand.

4. Aaron & Arianne, Elitist snobs who think they are smarter, hotter, more fashion conscious and better humanitarians then everyone else. They need to take a good hard look in the mirror, but if anyone actually gave them one they’d pull a Narcissus and fall more in love with themselves than they already are.

5. Heave the ’Hos – Heather and Eve would like all of us to know that they went to LAW SCHOOL. At HARVARD. They would also like us to know that they are BEAUTIFUL and TALENTED. They are also concerned that the viewers understand that they are CONQUERING THEIR FEARS and PLAYING ETHICALLY. Basically, they want all of us to realize how much we should aspire to be just like them FOR THE GOOD OF ALL MANKIND.

6. John Vito & Jill – Guido and Luigette – They have a touching back story (we know this because they tell us all the time). I’m not gonna mock them he-ah cause I kinda like them in spite of the unfortunate wardrobe choices and obnoxious accents.

7. Michael and Kathy, Team Fling - These two lovebirds met on a Mexican vacation. They have nothing in common and haven’t spent more than a few days together at any given time. This relationship should’ve lasted about as long as the antibiotics they needed after their whirlwind romance.

8. Andre & Damon, Guns and Hoses – A rule-breaking, corner-cutting cop and fireman team. Not since the back-to-back series of Adam 12 and Emergency has there been a more reprehensible display on television.

9. Teri & Ian, The Miserable Marrieds – He’s Wil in about 20 years. She’s the future subject of a Lifetime Network Movie of the Week. I’m thinking it’s gonna be called “A Deadly Race: The true story of Teri X.” The ending is open right now. She might kill him. He might kill her. One or both may have coronaries. The important ray of hope to cling to here is that at least one of them will die.

Now – on with the show.

Our episode begins with the nine remaining teams enjoying their mandatory 12-hour pit stop in Donnottar Castle outside of Aberdeen Scotland. Everyone is pretending to like each other, getting plastered and whispering sexual innuendoes back and forth. You know, kinda like a typical weeknight in AK’s Bar and Grill.

Anywho, a bunch of teams are ready to leave just before 11 p.m. This is not a good sign because inevitably, they will end up going somewhere that doesn’t open until 7 a.m. This does not preclude them from acting like asswipes as they jockey for the best waiting position for a full eight hours though.

First to leave are the Twinbots with the Bald, Pasty, Uncute Brothers following close behind. They forge a loose Band of Brothers Alliance. Also in this first group to depart are FloZach, Aaron and Arianne and Team Heave. These three duos are also working in tandem. I call this alliance the Shallow Hateful Indignant Team (You can call them S.H.I.T. for short).

The teams are instructed to walk a mile and half to Stonehaven Harbor where they will find their next clue in the form of a message in a bottle.

Flo and Zach take this opportunity to engage in a little playful banter. It went something like this
Flo: You need to think about directions. You need to think about what you are doing. You need to think about our relationship. Think Zach – Think.
Zach: Take a Midol beotch – I’m thinking this must be a heavy Flo day

In contrast, Heather and Eve are getting along really well. They both agree that Eve is a miserable crybaby.

Our long distance couple, Michael and Kathy, leaves next. She explains that their main problem is that she is a Type A personality and He is a Type C. Honestly, he’s more of a Type ZZZZ but let’s not split hairs.

Team S.H.I.T. find a dirt path and beat the Band of Brothers to the clue. Their instructions are to travel over 1000 miles to the Calem Port Lodge in Porta, Portugal.

They try to get help from locals but don’t have any luck. Aaron assumes this is because the Scottish people are just really unfriendly. Maybe if he didn’t insist on talking to them with that insipid Mike Myers as Fat Bastard accent, they’d be more willing to help.

The three SH.I.T.y teams vow to work together to take down the Band of Brothers. Talk about your misplaced energy. Are the Morons and the Tubbies really that intimidating?

Michael and Kathy manage to catch up to the other teams and get the lead when they snag a cab while the rest of the teams stand around complaining.

John Vito and Jill catch up with the rest of the teams at the airport (wow – didn’t see that coming) and these 7 teams are all on the same plane from Aberdeen to London before the last two teams even leave the pit stop.

And speaking of our Bottom Feeding duos – Guns and Hoses and Teri and Ian leave very close together. Both speculate that they are so far behind the other teams that one of them will definitely be the next to go (they must not have watched the first two seasons). Teri and Ian are taking this much more seriously than Andre and Damon. They call their cab driver from the day before to help them out.

Guns & Hoses are oozing confidence and are sure they are a better team than Teri and Ian. As a matter of fact, they are busy telling the cameras this when Team Geritol passes their arrogant asses.

Of course it doesn’t actually matter because both teams end up on the same flight to London. When they arrive there, they find the other seven teams still waiting for their connections to Lisbon.
Ian: “We’re back in the race. Smell my ass baby!”
(Yes, I realize he probably didn’t say this exactly – but he should have! Besides, I wrote down in my notes and find it highly amusing so it’s going in the summary.)

Aaron confides that he finds Ian obnoxious. I don’t smell Ian’s ass but I do smell the delicious aroma of irony in the air.

The Band of Brothers are taking a different route than the other teams. They are taking an earlier flight with a connection in Germany. It will get them there before the others but they only have a half hour to make the connection. Could this be foreshadowing some high drama in the airport? Well duh!

Just before the commercial break – ominous music plays and we hear the Nazi at the ticket counter telling the brothers they won’t make the flight.

Of course, this means nothing. When we return from commercial, the happy smiling customer service folks at Lufthansa hold the plane at the gate inconveniencing 100s of harried international passengers for the benefit of one low-rated reality television show from the United States. God Bless America.

So the much maligned stupid twins and chubby bald bros are happily working together and beating the rest of the pack. So much for the Alliance of S.H.I.T and their nefarious plot.

Meanwhile the Not-So-Magnificent Seven have finally arrived in Portugal. Ian screams “Taxi” before the plane has actually landed. This is a little irritating.

Aaron tells us that Ian defines Ugly American. I guess he has his dictionary handy (Too bad Heave didn’t pack one – but I’m getting a little ahead of myself)

Apparently Aaron and Arianne cannot function without a team to hate. All their disgust has momentarily been focused on the Geezers. They are hoping to get rid of them now. I think they need to investigate self loathing. It would give them more common ground with the viewers if they could hate themselves as much as we hate them.

The Band of Brothers have reached the Detour. It involves taking wine to restaurants. The choice is between Old School and New School. In Old School, they have to take one barrel of wine to one restaurant by boat. In New School they have to take 3 crates of wine to 3 separate restaurants by truck.

Now, let’s think about this for a minute. You can take a boat across a small body of water and have help from oarsmen all along the way. Or, conversely, you can drive in city you don’t know on totally unfamiliar streets reading foreign road signs while driving a temperamental standard.

I’m thinking Run-DMC and the Sugar Hill Gang would agree that Old School is the way to go here.

All the brothers choose to go by boat. Their styles are a little different though. The twins move really well and hardly break a sweat. If they had taken off their shirts, it would have been perfect.

Clown music plays for the Baldies as they herk and jerk their way across. They may feel like Vikings, but they look like Idiots. The last two episodes have proven that water sports are not their forte which is a little surprising.

Even though it wasn’t pretty, both teams complete their task before the others arrive. They learn their next destination is a soccer stadium in Lisbon, over 200 miles away and they are supposed to get there by train.

So now it’s time to watch the other teams try to navigate the Old School/New School roadblock. The first two teams are Aaron and Arianne followed closely by Teri and Ian. Both choose Old School.

Teri and Ian argue. Actually Ian barks commands while Teri seethes in silence like a good little wife. To their credit Aaron and Arianne don’t argue with each other but do spend a little quality time mocking Teri and Ian. It’s hard to pick which team is more reprehensible, but I’m going with A&A. See, I hate both of them and I really only hate Ian and pity Teri.

These two teams finish 3rd and 4th respectively. So how did the feeble geezers beat all the younger, fitter teams? Because John Vito & Jill, Flo & Zach, Guns & Hoses and Team Heave all chose New School. Idiots!

Team Fling are even further behind. Their taxi guy got lost. Both are pretty bummed and are sure they will lose. (This pretty much guarantees that they will be fine). When they finally arrive, they go for row.

So all the teams that decided to go New School suck. JV & J do relatively well. Andre & Damon break a crate and do their deliveries out of order. These two are always looking to cut corners and they never read the clue carefully. Sooner or later, it’s gonna catch up with them. Flo and Zach just seem to have a low-grade ineptness to everything they attempt. But Heather and Eve set the standard for suckage in this Road Block.

First of all, Eve can’t drive a stick. She’s grinding the gears constantly (she perfected a different kind of grind to pay for law school, but that’s not helping her here). Heather obviously knows how since she is giving Eve instructions. Why she didn’t drive is beyond me. It might be because Eve is too frail to lift a finger let alone a crate on the deliveries. Wasn’t she the one who couldn’t carry her backpack last episode? Is she not smart enough to buy one of those wheeled ones? Even my six year old figured that out this year. I guess they don’t teach that at Harvard, just in first grade.

Guns & Hoses have the great misfortune to be trapped behind Team Heave for most of the Detour. As rude as G&H are, they show remarkable restraint and don’t actually kill Eve. They deliver one crate for her and the cop doesn’t write her a ticket when she crases the truck into a pole.

Over at the train station, the Band of Brothers fret as the other teams start to arrive and their lead is taken away. Michael and Kathy arrive next after the top four teams (I told y’all Old School was best) JV & Jill get there soon after.
FloZach and Guns & Hoses follow with Heave in last place.

They were detained because Eve had to tell everyone in Portugal that she crashed the truck. She’s whiney, yippy and high-strung like an overly inbred toy poodle. I say we send Fifi out into heavy traffic again and hope for a miracle.

Basically, this whole thing was a colossal waste of time because all 9 teams are on the same train to Lisbon. They’re all starting out even again so it’ll give us viewers a chance to see who is really in it to win it.

All the teams are worried about the impending Road Block, and have temporarily abandoned their alliances for this next stretch of the race.

When they get to the station, all teams make a beeline for the taxis.

Ian thinks they have the worst driver. Heather tells Eve she needs to suck it up. Aaron thinks they must be in first because they are taking a different route than everybody else.

Here’s a little tip for any of you who may aspire to be on TAR. If, at any point, during the race, your cab driver says “It’s a shortcut.” Immediately dive out of the cab. Seriously. You will have a better shot if you crawl to your next destination.

Ken and Gerard arrive at the stadium with Flo and Zach right on their heels. The Roadblock is block one penalty kick from a teenage soccer player.

Ken, Zach, Drew, Michael and Heather are the first goalies. Michael gets it on the 2nd try. An accomplishment he credits to his cat-like reflexes. (Seriously). Michael read their next clue which advised them to WALK (I cannot emphasize this enough) WALK to the Torre de Bellem, a fortress a mile and a half away.

Ken, Drew, Zach and Heather don’t fare so well. They pretty much suck. By now G&H, JV&J have arrived and have started the Roadblock. Teri and Ian and A&A are still taking their shortcuts.

The next to block a kick are Ken, Damon, Drew, JV, Zach and Heather.

The last two teams have arrived at the stadium and Ian and Arianne are duking it out for last place by trying to be goalies.

Physically, Aaron seemed like a more obvious choice, but it turns out that he has a natural urge to run toward teenage boys with balls so he disqualifies himself.

It was so exciting to watch these two teams on the verge of elimination. I hate them both, and it seems inevitable that one of them will be gone!

Then I realized there were still 15 minutes left in the show. Something is definitely up.

Ian finally blocks a kick while Arianne whines in the goal. If they ever have a blame-shifter competition, she’ll definitely win. If Andrew was still in the race, he could have given her a cheer. Unfortunately, all she has is Aaron blathering on to her. You know, he’s really whiney and yippy and high strung like an overly inbred toy poodle too. That is sooo weird!

Michael and Kathy were the first team to leave the stadium but ended up getting lost on the way to the Pitstop. The Twinbots did too. John Vito and Jill were over tired. Poor Teri practically had a heart attack while Ian screamed at her to suck it up.

All the other teams are struggling to make it to the Pitstop when Arianne finally blocks a kick. The two of them realize they are in last place and freak out trying to find someone to help them with directions.

All the teams seem to be in various stages of being lost. Except for Heave the Hos. These two are sitting in a cab racing toward the Pit stop. Suddenly it dawns on them to re-read the clue when they don’t see any other teams in cabs.

Heather: It says we should walk to the Pit stop
Eve: So by walk, do you think it means we are supposed to walk?”

Hmmmm, let’s see how the dictionary defines walk.

Walk (v) 1. To go or travel on foot 2) To go on foot for pleasure or exercise; stroll: 3) To move in a manner suggestive of walking

So the answer, dumbass, is yes. By walk – they mean to WALK. On your two little feet. But somehow this hasn’t sunk in yet to our brilliant, budding ATTORNEYS AT LAW. FROM HARVARD.

Heather: I don’t see any other teams walking.
(Sweetheart, this may be because you are like a mile ahead of them now because they are WALKING and you are driving) I just think it means we walk in the door of the pit stop. Not that we walk to it. What do you think Eve?
Eve: Bark bark bark.

Heather and Eve are surprised to discover that they got to the pit stop first.

Phil: You’re the first team to arrive (Not his usual you’re Team #1).

Apropos of nothing Eve yells, I’m psychotic” Truer words were never spoken Eve, but I liked it better when you just barked.

The Bald Bros, FloZach, The Twinbots, Guns&Hoses, Team Geritol, John Vito & Jill and Team Fling arrive in that order.

Aaron and Arianne are the last team to arrive, but Phil doesn’t tell them they are eliminated.

Phil calls Team Heave and Aaron & Arianne aside for a big pow wow. Heather and Eve are informed that WALK technically means to TRAVEL BY FOOT.

They are penalized 7 minutes for the time they gained by taking a cab and 30 minutes for being incredibly stupid for a grand total of a 37-minute penalty.

This means that Aaron and Arianne (who arrived 31 minutes after them) are no longer in last place. Team Heave is eliminated.

Aaron tells Heave that he didn’t want to win this way Of course, his sentiments seem a little disingenuous considering the fact that he says this while rolling around on the floor laughing.

Heave offers to take their tops off to stay in the race, but Phil doesn’t seem to be impressed. He has developed some serious man boobs of his own this season and can fondle them at his own leisure.

So, even though a team I thoroughly despise came in last and still did not get eliminated, I am somewhat cheered that the two smug bimbos who kept telling us how beautiful and smart they were got eliminated for being jaw-droppingly stupid. And they looked a little ragged at the end too

There is joy once again in Pooh Corner boys and girls!

Next time on Amazing Race….
Flo has a nervous breakdown and Ian gets some bad gas (and I don’t mean from the Portuguese frijoles)