Previously on the TAR3:

They take off from a former monastery. Tramel gets directions from a local telling him to go this way left, this way left, this way left, this way left – with these kind of directions, no wonder why TnT went around in circles and finished last. There’s tension over Flo and Zach leading two other groups the wrong way. They eventually make their way to the Pyramid of the Sun where it’s an arduous climb to the top. Zoolanders do what they do best… flash an aw-shucks shit-eating grin while taking part in a FastForward. The bus that some teams were on crashed and they lost valuable time. Airheadanne flashes the cabbie. During the detour, contestants go swimming with the fishes, there’s a gratitious underwater bikini shot, and TnT wipes out. Tramel: “At least I get to pee, though.” The Bunkers wipe out as well and Archie bellows at Edith to get her ass out of the water without helping her back onto the waverunner. The Zoolander Twits arrive first at the pit-stop and TnT finishes last and get tossed.

Once again, let’s meet our (mostly) intrepid TAR3 contestants:

Heave – Legal beagles and roommates. Heather and Eve both went to Harvard and they’re in this competition to… yep… use their charm and looks to manipulate their way to success in this game. Oh, and Eve also wants to overcome her fear of flying and extreme outdoor sports. She’s come to the right place – and I hope she’s packed some extra pairs of underwear for all the crapping she’ll end up doing on this show.

Michael/Kathy – The Long Distance Dating couple. Blame it on Cancun, they’ve never spent more than five (5) days together at one time since they met in Cancun a year and half ago. We’ll soon see why when Phil will have to step in and pry each other’s fingers off their necks by the end.

Dandy – The Father and Son. You couldn’t find a more polar opposite pairing than these two. Dennis is a conservative Southern Baptist and Andrew is a liberal, gay cheerleader. Their family therapist could probably retire early off these two alone.

Flo and Zach – Friends. As Fester said, Zach looks like Screech who has rifled through John McEnroe’s stash of headbands. They’ve got a mutual attraction for each other for five years now but what makes you think anything’s going to happen between them now if they haven’t done anything together yet?

The Zoolanders – The Identical Twits. Derek and Drew have Doublemint teeth, are models, handsome and stupid, and their “strategy” to get ahead in this game is to be clean – both made a point to bring hygienic items so not to knock each other out cold with odours. Makes sense to me, too. The only assassinating they’ll be doing in this game (unlike the original Zoolander, whose first name is also Derek) is the character assassination of models everywhere by ramming home the stereotype of featherbrained models. Like the original Zoolander, the twits have their heads always in the clouds and have trouble thinking at all. Excuse me while I get down on my knees to thank the big man upstairs for giving me these two to bash.

Aarionne – Lifelong Friends. Aaron and Airanne have had the hots for each other for 15 years… with one problem. Aaron’s gay. As Airanne put it, "the baby they planned to have together some day will not be naturally conceived." They’re both “fluent in body language and the international language of love.” Yeah, whatever. Get it on with each other, already!

The Bunkers – Married Parents. Caligula… err Ian a.k.a. Archie… is a crazed megalomaniac given to capricious cruelty and hare-brained schemes, and Teri is Edith reincarnated. They’re on this adventure to “set a good example to their two sons.” Kids… run for your lives. Now. All we now need is somebody to play Meathead on this show.

Guns-n-Hoses – Friends, Cop & Fireman. Andre and Damon have labeled themselves as “Team 911” – no question, as other contestants will surely need to call 911 to have their safety assured from these two who will do anything to break the rules/laws.

Oh Brothers – Brothers. Ken is gay and Gerard is straight. Ken is single and Gerard is married with children. Ken is liberal and Gerard is conservative. I take it back… Team Dandy is getting a run for their money as the most polar opposite team here.

John Vito and Jill – Dating. Jill tragically lost her brother in the WTC on September 11, and hasn’t stopped reminding us about it ever since in the hopes it’ll get her and John Vito Corleone all the way to the end and win a million bucks. Capisce?

As we fade away to the commercials after the intros, we see Heather introducing her face to Earth again. We’ll never tire of seeing this, will we? And, if they’re such budding hot-shot graduates of law school, how come they haven’t yet sued the company that provided these donkey cart rides for the heave-ho and emotional damage from this being aired repeatedly on national television?

Now, on to the show.

Cancun.
We see the loozers lounging around on the beach during a mandatory rest period. Got a long day of travel ahead of them.

Phil tells us about the next route marker as the Zoolanders prepare to be the first to leave at 3:18 a.m. The contestants are to fly 5500 miles to London, England and to make their way to Cambridge where a business named Scudamore’s Boatyards will help them find their way to the next route marker.

4:43 a.m. – Aarionne are next to leave. They’re obsessed with overtaking The Zoolanders.
4:44 a.m. – Heave departs and they also talk about whacking the Zoolanders.
4:45 a.m. – Michael and Kathy are next and they mention they’re too tired to think about romance but it’s “cool to go back to the scene of crime” where they originally met – and this time they actually got to see Cancun instead of being cooped up in a hotel room all the time, ifyaknowwhatimean.
4:49 a.m. – Flo and Zach take off. Flo: “I feel like I’m going to be with him for a long time, he’s like marrying material.” Uh oh, Zach! Flo… if you haven’t hit it off by now after five years, give it up as it ain’t going to happen.

En route to the airport, the four teams stop and Aarionne hatch their conspiracy plot to take out the evil Zoolanders and a bounty on their heads has been placed; “Whoever captures the twits gets a prize.”

6:02 a.m. – Oh Brothers leave. They comment they’re not as beautiful, as good looking, but they’ve got “spunk.” Oh boy. Got to push myself away from that comment. Must.Finish.The.Summary.

Zoolanders arrive first at airport and check out the schedule of flights going out of Cancun. We see the next four teams arriving together and Aarionne conspiratorily speak to the others, “You guys, it’s about lying to the twits” and then we cut to the Oh Brothers saying everyone is against the Wonder Twits who are up on the grassy knoll. I didn’t realize that Oliver Stone was producing this show?

7:02 a.m. – John Vito Corleone and Jill departs.

Zoolanders are first to get onto a plane and they fly to Mexico City where they’ll hopefully connect on a direct flight to London.

7:45 a.m. – Team 911 are next.
7:46 a.m. – Team Dandy takes off.
7:47 a.m. – The Bunkers departs for another day of insults and put-downs. “We have to give a good example to our children to never give up!” Don’t worry, Arch, the kids are learning plenty how not to act just watching you.

Oh Brothers are the only one with tickets all the way to London via Paris and they gleefully gloat about it.

Archie/Ian kisses a ticket agent’s hand while Teri/Edith watches enviously.

Team Dandy discovers their hoped-for flight has only one seat available so Andrew gets on the phone to another airline and pulls the old “my mom is very sick and I need to get home ASAP” line. Andrew butts heads with another ticket agent and Dad steps in to keep the peace. Yeah, like Andrew’s gonna have the agent quaking in his boots…

The foursome of Aarionne and Michael/Kathy arrives in Miami and discovers they don’t have seats for their flight to London. They head on over to a ticket agent and wheedle their way into getting a seat in business class. Success!

Zoolanders are the first to arrive in England and we hear from Phil where he explains the contestants are to make their way to Cambridge and open a detour envelope. They are to find a business called Scudamore’s where they’ll embark on one of two routes to get to the route marker.

Phil explains the detour. Punt or bike. Punting is one mile long but is slower, while biking is six miles long on a tandem bike through a marked course.

Zoolanders elect to punt. They quickly get to the route marker, where they’re told to take a bus to Aberdeen, Scotland, 350 miles away. They arrive to where the bus is and discover they’ve still got a few hours to kill. They lay on the ground to catch some sun rays. Hey dumb shits, you’re in ENGLAND where it’s never sunny and rains all the time. I should know, I spent 6 weeks in England on an exchange trip when I was 14. Don’t think too hard, twits, or you’ll hurt what’s little left of your featherbrains.

Oh Brothers arrive and also elect to punt, and they promptly head straight for the wall. The fans lining the river are on the receiving end of a bad punt by the Oh Brothers, and Gerard takes a bow to acknowledge the fans.

Michael and Kathy are the third to arrive and hop into a punt, and Oh Brother… the brothers are absolutely hopeless as they repeatedly fall off the punt. Aarionne decide to ride the tandem bike through the streets of Cambridge. Flo/Zach and Heave both get into a punt and chaos ensue as both are equally bad, impaling other boats with their punts. Again, Gerard falls off the punt. Gerard says to Ken, “Get your fat ass in gear and work” and punts him into the river.

Michael/Kathy do their best to paddle perpendicularly down the river instead of going straight. Flo/Zach change their mind and get off their punt and onto a tandem bike. Heave do what they do best… fall flat onto their butts again. One by one, the teams finally get to the route markers and then make their way to where the bus to Aberdeen is waiting for them.

Heave bitch about how much stuff they’re carrying and each are pleading with the other to take on more of each other’s stuff. Typical women… packing far more than they needed to on a trip. (Editor ducking)

John Vito/Jill, Guns-n-Hoses and the Bunkers finally arrive in London about an hour apart, with the Bunkers thinking they’re the last to arrive.

7:30 p.m. bus for Aberdeen leaves. Zoolanders and several other teams are on it, and Aarionne once again bitch about the Twits and their looks and straight teeth, and fuel their conspiracy theory against these two. Shut up, already!

John Vito and Jill finally arrive in Cambridge at night, and punt their way to the marker. They run through the streets and just barely made it by one minute for the 10 pm bus to Aberdeen.

Guns-n-Hoses punt their way out to the route marker. The Bunkers then arrive and open up their detour, also decide to punt. Ian demands to punt in front instead of from the back like everyone else did – what else is new? Gotta be in control and have the slave woman serve behind him, ya know.

Guns-n-Hoses miss out on the bus, they’ll have to take the next one, as will the Bunkers. We see Team Dandy arriving in London at the airport the next morning at 9:45.

The first bus arrive in Aberdeen and the teams have to find a taxi to take them to a place called Stonehaven. Zach gives a thumb tweak on the nose to the Zoolanders as he and Flo pass them in their master plan to stop the evil Zoolanders from taking over the world. Flo and Zach are now in the lead, but ended up going the wrong way along with another team.

Heave arrive first in a big field and open an envelope that is a Roadblock and Oh Brother are there right behind them. The Roadblock is that one person in each team will have to take part in traditional Scottish highland events and complete three events in order to move on to the pit stop. The three events are the caber toss (a long wooden pole), the hammer throw and the shot put.

Aaron completes his first task and runs like a drunken flamingo to the next one (to borrow a term from dangerkitty for lack of a better description).

Zach and Flo opens up their Roadblock and Zach makes the brilliant observation that “gee, we may be playing a game of some sort” in response to Flo’s reading of the comment, “Feeling a bit gamey?” Be sure not to confuse your head as the actual shotput rock, Zach…

Zoolanders are the first to complete their tasks and run off to the pit stop. Phil comes in and explain the story behind Dunnottar Castle.

Cut to the FastForward. Phil explains that a team (in this case, Team Dandy) will have to find the Memorial War Museum in Cambridge and drive a tank through a course in a fast enough time to get the FF. Dennis zips through the course in record time and Team Dandy gets the FF. They’re told to go to the chapel at Dunnottar Castle and get a limo ride with champagne.

We return to Oh Brothers chasing the Zoolanders to the castle. The production staff make it appear like it’s a neck-to-neck battle, but the Zoolanders easily make it as Team Number One. They trash-talk about how much fun it is beating an alliance.

Oh Brother are Team Number Two, followed by Flo/Zach in third. Aarionne are Number Four and Heave are Number Five. Michael and Kathy are Number Six.

Cut to the Andrew and Dennis show in the limo as we see they’re inebriated and slapping each other as they joke around.

As Dennis & Andrew enjoyed their limousine drive to the castle, John Vito & Jill completed the Roadblock and finished in seventh place. The Bunkers and Team 911 raced from the last bus to the fields to complete the Roadblock. Teri became increasingly frustrated as Ian harangued at her and made an ass of himself as usual, Teri finally grew a spine and snapped back at him, "Don't give me instructions! It was your choice not to do it!" America cheers.

Teri successfully completed the tasks, but not before Team 911 overtook her and ran to the finish line to clinch eighth place. Expecting elimination, The Bunkers faced Phil on the mat, where he told them they were the ninth Team to arrive. Teri screamed, while Ian said, "We made it? We made it!"

Dennis and Andrew finally arrive in the dark, and they’re team number 10. So much for the FF They’re eliminated and give each other a hug, hey at least they got drunk! But seriously, it says a lot when they couldn’t even come close to the 9th place finishers despite getting the FF.

We end with an Andrew confessional about his bonding with dad. It’s a two-boxer of Kleenex as they boo hoo all over each other and professes their undying love for each other. Cut. End the show, already.

Next week…

Ian defines ugly American and goes onto a lengthy temper tantrum suitable for a 3-year-old.
The teams invade Portugul.
A team crashes their truck into a pole.
One team taunts the others at the airport and creates a head-to-head confrontation that lasts the entire leg.