Our saga opens on a marshy plain in South Florida. A camera zooms in on our host and buddy, Phil.

“I’m standing on a tiny island in the Everglades. Sacred ground to the Native Americans of South Florida. If there were any Native Americans left in Florida, they’d probably shoot me for standing here. Lucky for me the only one left is that guy who rides the horse and throws spears at Florida State games.

From this remote, marshy, wetland 12 teams will embark on a race around the world for… ONE MILLION DOLLARS.”

(Cue visual of Airboat Squadron Delta of Skeeter’s Gator & Pelican Poaching Service.)

“Each team is made up of 2 people with an existing, yet dysfunctional, relationship. The 12 teams are:

1) Heather & Eve – “All of our lives people have underestimated us.” Yeah, that’ll happen if you insist on wearing halter tops and daisy dukes to your Criminal Procedure class. “People think we’re ditzes, but really we’re just hot. We see this race as a chance to dupe men all over the world into giving us things before returning to our lives as officers of the court.” We’ll call these gems Team Skeezah.

2) Michael & Kathy – This is the Cancun fling that wouldn’t die. They’ve never spent more than 5 days together, and after the second leg of this race, should be ready to push each other out of a moving cab. Kathy is wound tighter than a super-flite golf ball, and Michael has the focus of Keanu Reeves on lithium. How ‘bout Team Elimidate for these 2.

3) Dennis & Andrew – They’re the strict Baptist father and gay cheerleader son. After the race, be sure to catch them on their wacky WB show “Bringing Up Queenie”.

4) Flo & Zach – It’s Screech from “Saved By the Bell” and he’s raided John McEnroe’s headband stash. This is the “sexual tension” couple. Will they or won’t they hook up? Wow, this is just like watching my high school lunchroom!

5) Derek & Drew – The Zoolander Twins. Don’t hate them cuz they’re beautiful when there are so many more legitimate reasons to hate them. I guess it wasn’t enough for the producers to have a team of impossible to separate 20-something friends. They had to go the extra yard to find 2 who share the same DNA.

6) Gina & Sylvia – The soccer moms (AKA grist for the mill).

7) Tramel & Talicia – Team Family Matters consists of lazy genius Tramel and his sister Talicia who works for a sports agent.

8) Aaron & Arianne – He’s gay, she’s straight, and they’re best friends. Hmmm, where have I seen that one before? Oh yeah, “Ed”. How cute, they each have a shirt with a periodic table element on it. Aaron’s shirt has “Ag”, which everyone knows is the abbreviation for silver and Arianne has “Au” which, of course, stands for denial.

9) Teri & Ian – The older married couple. They prove the old adage “Wetsuits aren’t for everyone”.

10) Andre & Damon – Andre’s a cop, Damon’s a firefighter. Together, they’re an NBC series waiting to happen. We’ll call them Team 3rd Watch

11) Ken & Gerard – The Chester Brothers are fat, bald, and from NY/NJ like the Festers, and gay (well Ken is anyway) like Cha-Cha-Cha.

12) Jon Vito/Jill – This season’s shameless emotional manipulation team. Nothing quite like using 9/11 as inspiration to win…ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

“Can these people stand up to the stress of traveling together across 40,000 miles? Will competing teams become friends or enemies? Who will come up this the right strategy to win the…ONE MILLION DOLLARS? Will a 3rd World cabby finally turn around and pimp slap one of these jackasses? Most importantly, will CBS finally pony up some dough so I can get some new Goddamn clothes?! These are the questions waiting to be answered as we get ready to begin…THE AMAZING RACE"

Phil then reads the rules to the teams as they are assembled in front of him. He tells them that their first clue is on top of their bags. They are to read the clue, and take one of the cars. What they do then is up to them. Of course it’s not up to ALL of them. It’s up to whoever gets in the car first because the rest of them will surely follow the lead car like lemmings.

“Ready…………….(Phil does love his pauses)…….GO!!”

It’s chaos as the teams rush to their bags, avoiding the treacherous mud puddle behind Phil. The first clue tells them to find the Angel of Independence in Mexico City. They are to take 1 of 3 flights, and they are given…ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS. Once they’ve all got their bags, it’s another sprint to the cars. One of the Moms falls…they are SO not gonna win.

Then it’s like traffic after a Florida Marlins game as 12 cars pile onto the access road. As they head towards civilization…or rather Miami…the scene fades and we get

THE OPENING CREDITS!

Yay! The White Hot Nuclear Meltdown Globe is back! A shot of a plane to remind us how much of this show is spent with teams jammed up in airports. Then the teams…

The Skeezahs with books. OK we get it. You went to law school. I’m sure you both are very smart.

A couple of recycled scenes from the earlier intro…

KEN! No, sorry, that’s the Buddha…

Man I can never get enough of Screech and Flo in the sunglasses store…

Zoolanders playing volleyball…

More of Ian in a wetsuit (look for the calendar)…

That monastery with the 3-days-older-than-kerosene monk from TAR1

More recycled scenes…

Ken trips Gerard…

Landmark, landmark, landmark, cow, landmark, landmark…

Leaving Miami
Dennis, who apparently has ADD, is talking about how AeroMexico probably has more flights than American. (What part of “1 of 3 flights” did you not understand, preacher boy) Andrew has to explain to him that the American flight leaves an hour earlier than the AeroMexico flight.

Tramel tells Talicia to drive more like daddy and less like mommy, which I guess means no asking for directions.

The Skeezahs cut off Screech, who sternly honks his horn. That was real effective, I’ll bet you’re a man to be reckoned with in rush hour.

3rd Watch runs a red light. Easy Johnny Law, we’re not filming “Cops”. The Man 1, civilians 0.

The Moms get stuck in the toll booth lane. One mom says she wants to show her kids that “they can be anything that they wanna be.” Think you’re watching a wee bit too much Blue’s Clues?

Ian orders Teri to “prepare his backpack”. Teri hops to like Gunga Din. Ian says he can be a bit controlling at times. He then wonders aloud if AeroMexico still has direct flights like when they took their honeymoon. “That was so long ago,” says Teri. These two have the dynamics of the Bunker family.

The Skeezahs and Jon Vito and Jill reach the American Airlines counter and get the first 2 of 7 available slots on that flight. 3rd Watch comes barreling in like bulls in a china shop, taking out the carefully laid out rope maze while attempting to slide under it, butt right in front and get waited on. The Man 2, civilians 0. Aarionne are appalled but get the 4th spot on the plane.

Chesters and Family Matters are still in traffic. Gerard says “F*** that American flight, lets go to AeroMexico.”

Elimidate reaches the American counter and get the 5th slot on the plane. The agent tells them they won’t get to sit together. Michael says “I didn’t want to sit in the same car with her on the way to the airport.”

The Bunkers and Flo & Screech are on the shuttle bus. Ian gets the brainstorm that since the bus will get to the AeroMexico counter first, that they should get off here. Ian is a moron.

Flo & Screech and Dennis & Andrew get the last 2 slots on the early plane. Meanwhile, The Skeezahs, apparently unhappy with their allotment of $100, decide to turn tricks in the airport for additional funds. Eve pulls the money out of her G-string and begins to count it. There’s $45 in large bills and probably twice that in $1’s.

Family Matters, Zoolanders, Chesters, Bunkers, and Moms are all on the later flight.

Next we’re treated to a simulation of what it would look like if Miami attacked Mexico City. Wait, that’s just the travel route. Phil explains that they’ll have to find the statue of the Angel of Independence in downtown Mexico City.

In Mexico City
The first flight lands at 4:00. The 7 lead teams cram into cabs. Screech asks his cabby how much the fare will be. The driver says it will be 400 pesos. Not realizing that 400 pesos is about $3.97, Screech wails about how they can’t afford it. Flo tells him “don’t f*** with the man”. I’m starting to like Flo.

Meanwhile, Aarionne reaches the monument first and get a message that reads “There are 21 million people in Mexico City. You must find 1. His name is Pablo. He will give you your next clue.” There is a picture of Pablo in front of a cathedral. Elimidate, 3rd Watch, and Screech & Flo follow closely behind.

Aaron, who must have watched a shitload of Dora the Explorer in preparation, converses with the locals to find the cathedral.

At 4:47, the AeroMexico plane lands, and the Bunkers, Zoolanders, Family Matters, and Chesters all get cabs. The Moms wander around the terminal in search of a cab. Here’s a hint, ladies. They’re probably OUTSIDE. Are we all following the o-so-subtle foreshadowing here?

Teri says “I like winning. Winning is fun.” Guess who won’t be winning.

Aarionne finds Pablo, who gives them a clue that tells them to sign up for the Maxi-Pad tour bus. 3 buses, 4 teams per bus, and they depart at 8, 10, and 12 tomorrow. But first they’ll have to cross town first, says Phil, and check in at the Hotel de Cortes. So Aaron asks how to get to the hotel, and the local says 4 blocks. I guess “cross town” doesn’t mean the same thing in Mexico.

3rd Watch and Screech & Flo find Pablo, but 3rd Watch can’t find anyone who speaks The Man’s language to tell them that they’re 4 blocks away from the hotel. Screech & Flo are 2nd to the Hotel. Jon Vito & Jill come out of nowhere to be third. Elimidate gets the last slot on Maxi-Pad Bus 1.

The Skeezahs, Dennis & Andrew, and 3rd Watch get the first 3 slots on Bus 2. Meanwhile, the crew from the second flight are looking for Pablo. The Zoolander Twins decide to leave their bags in the cab in the middle of what looks like the busiest street in the entire world while they look for Pablo in the crowded square. This will no doubt be the dumbest move we’ll see all season.

Zoolander 1 (don’t even bother trying to tell these two apart) says that not only could they have lost, but they could have lost their bags! There had to be at least $500 worth of hair gel in there! Zoolander 2 starts to panic. Eventually, the cab comes back, but not before everyone else gets to the hotel before them.

The Bunkers get the last slot on Bus 2, which means that Bus 3 will be a distraught Family Matters team (who missed Bus 2 by minutes…D’OH!!), Chesters, Moms, and Zoolanders.

Evening at The Hotel Cortes, and we’re treated to an evening of Heart as played by the local mariachi band. The Moms go shopping and find a lovely little Mexican girl on clearance. She’s just like my daughter, weeps one of the Moms (You think I bothered to learn which was which? Talk about your exercises in futility.). They are now more determined than ever to win, which pretty much seals their fate as the first team eliminated.

I Hope Everyone Packed Some Clean Underwear
Everyone gets a good night’s sleep, except The Skeezahs, who no doubt took the opportunity to hit the street people up for cash. The next morning, both The Chesters and Zoolanders, realizing that they are pretty welled screwed, decide to go for the Fast Forward. Chester Ken, clearly smitten with the Wonder Twins, vows to tell them if they get the FF first, and was this close to asking if he could trade his brother in for one of them. The Chesters take a cab, but The Zoolanders, not wanting to risk their hair products, decide to walk. We can already see where this is headed.

In the FF, the teams have to find a particular person amid a marketplace where professional typists type things up for those who cannot read or write. (In America, we call these poor wretches middle management.) Perhaps the Zoolanders could spend a few pesos and get one of these typists to type them a friggin’ clue as to how to play this game. The Chesters arrive at the market first, surprise, surprise, and proceed to ask everyone they encounter if they have a message for them. It doesn’t take long for them to find their man. Chester Ken feels obligated to keep his promise to the Golden Gods and tell them that they’ve already gotten the FF. Chester Gerard disowns him.

Thwarted by the fat and ugly Chesters, the Zoolanders are crestfallen. They return to the Hotel, tails between their legs. Meanwhile, the Chesters head to the Pit Stop at the Hacienda San Gabriel de las Palmas. They have to get there using a VW bus that CBS no doubt traded for with some Deadheads.

Speaking of buses, Maxi-Pad Bus 1 reaches the Takestwototango Airfield. There they are greeted with a Detour. A Detour, as you may remember, is a choice between two tasks. In this Detour, the choices are Hurl or Ass. In Hurl, the teams will have to jump out of a plane in tandem with a professional skydiver. In Ass, they’ll have to ride a donkey cart 7 miles through town.

Jon Vito & Jill and Aarionne decide to jump. Elimidate takes the donkey because Michael is a chickenshit. The local children howl with laughter at Michael’s spinelessness. Flo wants to take the donkey, but Screech talks her into jumping. Better hope this works out Screech, or you are SO not getting laid tonight.

The 3 jumping teams are successful, Michael winds up pushing the cart. Who’s the ass now, Mike? More VW buses await the jumpers who are instructed to go to the Pit Stop at the Hacienda. The Hacienda is a 475 year-old former monastery that looks pretty swank for a monk’s house. I’m guessing they lost their charter when they put in the hot tub and girls started showing up during Spring Break.

The Chesters arrive at the Hacienda and are greeted by Phil. He tells them that they are Team #1, and for winning the first leg of the race, they get a 7 night Caribbean cruise. Ken immediately tries to decide which Zoolander to invite.

Jill, who seemingly has never driven a manual transmission car before, is grinding the hell out of the gears. Meanwhile, Bus 2 arrives at the airfield. 3rd Watch, The Bunkers, and Dennis & Andrew all decide to wuss out on the jump. Initially, The Skeezahs opt for Ass, but as they are being carted away, their driver stops, gets out and checks his ass (I mean donkey), and the harness snaps sending Heather to a priceless faceplant. “This is a nightmare” she exclaims. She then guilts acrophobe Eve into jumping.

Eve is crying as Heather is talking to the professional. “Do people die doing this?” “No.” says the pro. I could swear I heard a cameraman laugh. Maybe it was just me. “What happens if our parachute doesn’t open?” Eve wails. “There’s a backup chute…right?” says Heather. “Yes,” says the pro. “What if that chute doesn’t open?” “Then I get all A’s next semester,” says Heather.

Back at the Up In Smoke van tour, Jill has now irreparably damaged the bus. “It’s smoking unda he-ah!” she screams.

Dennis and Andrew are having a ball going down the hill on a donkey. “Ben-Hur’s got nothin’ on this”. D’ya like movies with gladiators, Andy? The Bunkers have possibly killed their driver, as he is absent while Ian now has the reigns and Teri pulls from the front. What was that about control issues, again?

The Skeezahs plane is taking off to the sounds of “Kashmir” by Led Zeppelin. Looks like Otto from The Simpsons will be your pilot today.

Screech and Flo reach the Hacienda as Team #2, Aarionne is Team #3, Elimidate is Team #4, Jon Vito & Jill, high on diesel fumes, are Team #5.

Bus 3 arrives at the airfield, and all three teams decide to jump.

The Skeezahs are Team #6, 3rd Watch is Team #7, Dennis & Andrew are Team #8, and The Bunkers are Team #9.

After a road scrum that would make “It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World” look like “Driving Miss Daisy”, Family Matters is Team #10, and we’re left with the suspense of who will be last…Zoolanders or Moms. Finally, the Zoolanders emerge first, and are floored that they aren’t last. (You’re not the only ones) Eventually the Moms reach the mat only to have Phil say “Gina and Sylvia…….. (wait for it) ………. (not yet) ……… you’re the last team to arrive”

They recite the same “be what you wanna be” message. I guess they wanted to be last.

Next week…Zoolanders argue—again; Arianne reveals her ta-tas; and The Bunkers wipe out.