Previously on "The Amazing Race"... well, you already know what happened previously since CBS decided to splice the eighth and ninth episodes together into one "special presentation". Unless you tuned in hoping to see "48 Hours" and found this crap instead. At least we were spared from having to watch the opening credits again. Day has turned to night in Sydney, and the teams are preparing to begin their next leg of the race. I guess they did not get to eat, sleep, or mingle with the other contestants since that particular canned monologue was left out.

Team Cha Cha Cha is the first to leave. Their task: climb the Sydney Harbor Bridge. They have to check in at BridgeClimb Sydney, and the bridge does not open for climbing until 5:45am. All of the teams will now be bunched together, just as the producers like it. The Cha Chas state that they are now going to add an "element of competitiveness" to the race. Why not? It is a race, isn't it?

Chris and Alex leave second. They decide to go after the fast-forward. Phil appears with his standard expository BS to tell us what a fast-forward is, and so on. Why couldn't CBS trim this garbage from the episode if they wanted a "special presentation"? The fast-forward in this leg is at Harry's Café, where the Boston Brothers have to eat meat pies, whatever those are. They look like big nasty pot pies. Alex talks with a big mouthful of whatever was in the pie. Didn't his mother teach him any manners?

Because the bridge doesn't open until morning, the Cha Chas head to... you guessed it... a hotel, where they trick the concierge into letting them nap on the couch in the lobby. Itchy and Scratchy leave third. Wil and Tara leave fourth. Wil's ugly hat is back. Tara needs to toss it into the Sydney Harbor. Team Flowers in the Attic leaves last. They decide to go after the fast-forward, even though the Bostonians had already told them that they would be getting it. But brilliant Paige is convinced that they were lying, so they head to the café and soon find out that the fast-forward has already been taken. Unfortunately, they don't lose any real time since the bridge is still not open. Blake says that it's okay, since they "have all night to do whatever in Sydney." Hmmm...

Chris and Alex, meanwhile, have received the fast-forward and can now proceed directly to the next pit stop: the Aboriginal Bush Camp located in the Breakaways, near Coober Pedy. We are treated to numerous shots of the Outback. Perhaps leftover footage from "Survivor 2". The Bostonians head to the airport.

Wil and Tara check into a hotel, but it sure isn't one of Team Cha Cha Cha's five-star hotels. Itchy and Scratchy decide to pass the time by panhandling in the streets of Sydney. What the hell? I thought this crap was reserved for NBC's junk reality show "Lost"! Itchy describes himself and Scratchy as "friendly creatures" to the locals they encounter. They're creatures, all right. This is really pathetic. More good impressions of American reality show contestants for the Australian audience...

The Bostonians catch a flight to Adelaide via Melbourne. Apparently, they are really "smaht". "We're from Boston and we're wicked smaht," one of them says. I love that accent! In downtown Sydney, Itchy and Scratchy sit down to count their dirty money. "Let's count how much we've fleeced from the people of Sydney," idiot Itchy says. Pathetic. They may not have desecrated the Great Barrier Reef like Colby did, but this is pretty embarrassing. Blake and Paige find a spot near the bridge to snuggle "under the stars". Too bad the romantic mood is shattered when it starts to rain. What is it with Sydney and rain?

I just now noticed that Blake and Paige have "Team Mycoskie" embroidered on their bags. Isn't that adorable? No.

Morning comes and teams have to put on special outfits to climb the bridge. Why? Who knows? Wil is apparently afraid of heights. Despite the earlier statement that teams would climb the bridge one at a time, they appear to just follow one another up the bridge. The view of Sydney Harbor from the top of the bridge is spectacular. Once they reach the top, they get their next clue telling them to find the Metal Tree in Coober Pedy. Phil explains to us that teams will need to take a charter flight from Adelaide "deep into the heart of the Australian Outback" and find the Metal Tree, which is located next to some famous landmark called the Big Winch.

The Boston Brothers are now at the airport in Melbourne making their connecting flight to Adelaide. Chris pretends he's playing a digeradoo, but says he's a tuba man himself. Whatever.

Teams finish climbing the bridge and must now make their way to the airport. Wil describes the climb as a "great experience". With humility like that, maybe he's not a total ass. The Cha Chas, who finished the bridge climb first, manage to catch an earlier flight to Adelaide. Wil and Tara and Itchy and Scratchy catch the second flight. Blake and Paige are put on stand-by. Blake is pouting in the airport and wearing a "Team Mycoskie" hat.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Phil explains that once they are in Adelaide, teams must go to the National Jet Systems terminal to catch a charter flight. Each flight can hold only two teams, so it's best to get there as soon as possible. I'm glad Phil clarified that point for me. Chris and Alex and The Cha Chas are scheduled on the first flight. Meanwhile, Blake and Paige luck out and are able to get on the same flight with the remaining teams.

The Bostonians find a local visitor's bureau in Adelaide and flirt with the attractive clerk for maps to Coober Pedy. Chris calls her a "little hottie" and Alex tries to turn on his "charm" only to get shot down on national TV. The remaining flight from Sydney now arrives in Adelaide. Tara screams at Wil: "You sure you're going the right way?" Of course he's not. But they still manage to get seats on the second charter flight. Blake and Paige arrive next, leaving Itchy and Scratchy stuck by themselves on the last charter flight. "Here come the Scratchers," Tara hisses and she needles Itchy mercilessly as they enter the airport. Poor guys... junior high flashback.

Wil and Tara go to the same visitor’s bureau as Chris and Alex to get directions once in Coober Pedy. Tara tells the "little hottie" that they need to find the Big Winch. Wil says he thought Tara was the Big Wench. Ha ha. Get it? Winch, wench. What an ass. Any surprise they're divorced? I'm surprised she didn't push him off the Sydney Harbor Bridge with his puke-colored hat.

The charter flights arrive in Coober Pedy. The contestants complain that it's hot. Hello... it's the Outback. Didn't they watch "Survivor: The Australian Outback"? It's hot. Once at the Metal Tree, teams find the Detour. More crappy explanations from Phil about Detours. In this leg, teams must choose between Cool Down or Heat Up. They must either go down into a mine to find an opal or play three holes of golf on the world's hottest golf course.

Blake and Paige get lost (of course) en route to the Big Winch. The Cha Chas, Tara and Wil, and Itchy and Scratchy decide to go mining. The siblings finally make it to the Detour and decide to go play golf to make their father proud. More family dynamics I don't want to think about. The Bostonians proceed directly to the pit stop, following a "mahked couhse" and check in first. We are treated to a stock clip of some vulture in the Outback. Phil surprises them with a free vacation to Cancun, courtesy of American Airlines. American Airlines, the only airline worth flying. American Airlines, the airline of champions. American Airlines, the airlines of winners. American Airlines, if you fly with anyone else, you're a f***ing loser. You get the idea.

Team Cha Cha Cha gets lost in the mine looking for the "freaking shovels". Blake and Paige arrive at the golf course and meet Peter, a big horse's ass who's there to "enforce the rules". Blake and Paige mess up the first hole by getting onto the wrong green. Peter smugly tells them "You have not completed the correct hole. You might want to consult the map again." I think Blake wants to wrap his nine-iron around that jerk's neck.

Tara and Wil believe they've found an opal. They take it out the miner, an ugly fat guy with a huge gut hanging out of his sweaty, opened shirt. Of course it's not an opal. Back to the mine they go. Back to the treadmill that miner SHOULD go. Blake and Paige mess up yet another hole. Peter is still an ass. We are treated to a shot of Itchy digging into the wall with his shovel. Why is he doing that? Because he's stupid. Blake and Paige finally figure out what they're doing (well, kind of) and finish three holes correctly. They must now head to the Breakaways National Park. Stock footage of some kangaroos.

Why is Itchy yakking and not digging? Because he's stupid. The Cha Chas and Tara and Wil finally find an opal, but Itchy and Scratchy have stupidly decided to leave the mine and drive ALL the way to the golf course. Didn't they learn anything in Rio? Apparently not. Wil surprises everyone by congratulating Tara on finding the opal. "Good job spotting that," he says. Did Hell freeze over again? Scratchy suddenly remembers that he's left-handed when he gets to the golf course with his right-handed clubs.

Teams now arrive at the Roadblock. Did you know that a Roadblock is a task that only one team member can perform? I didn't. Thankfully Phil explained it to me. In this Roadblock, the contestants must throw a boomerang and have it land back in the big circle where they are standing. We get to see another big fat guy wearing minimal clothes, war paint, and a huge bushy beard. Come on... an Australian beauty in a bikini last time, but now two guys with humongous guts and no shirts? One of the Cha Chas decides he can't carry his pack, so he throws it down the incline. I sure hope it didn't contain that cologne from Hong Kong...

Wil continues to berate his wife on her lack of skill with the boomerang. When he tells her to ask the fat guy for advice, she says "I'm going to ask that guy to make you shut up in a second." Meow... Wil's just been smacked down by his ex-wife on national TV! Blake and Cha Cha look at him and laugh. Paige lands the boomerang first and she and her "partner" set off for the pit stop. Tara makes some smartass comment about Cha Cha's "limp wrist", to which he replies "Shut up, b**ch." Best line of the whole show, hand's down!

Tara lands her boomerang next, followed by Cha Cha. Blake and Paige arrive at the pit stop second, Tara and Wil arrive third, and Danny and Oswald arrive fourth. Itchy and Scratchy, who finished golfing, arrive at the Roadblock and Itchy throws the boomerang. Who really knows how many times he had to throw it, but CBS thankfully only showed three. They arrive at the pit stop last. Today's lesson: what comes around, goes around. After nine episodes of bad jokes and horrible behavior to the other contestants, each other, and the locals they've encountered, Itchy and Scratchy are finally put down.

No need to call PETA.

Chris