Previously on "The Amazing Race", Wil yelled at Tara. Tara flirted with Alex. And when the teams checked in at Hong Kong Harbor, Mary and Peach checked out. Tonight's half-assed edit job, a "special 2-hour presentation", was the first return of CBS reality programming to Australia since "Survivor 2". And this leg of "The Amazing Race" was just as great as "Survivor"... minus the charm, drama, and interesting characters.

Teams depart from that rickety Chinese junk in "bustling" Hong Kong Harbor after a 12-hour break. Did you know that during this break, teams were able to eat, sleep, AND mingle with the other contestants? Team Itchy and Scratchy leave first. Their task: get to the statue of Tien-Hau in Repulse Bay. Itchy states that they've "used up every ounce of brainpower" between him and Scratchy thus far in the race. Actually, they exhausted every ounce of their brainpower before they even made it to the airport in Las Vegas, and have lasted this long solely on the ignorance and mistakes of even dumber teams. Itchy then goes on to complain about losing all the time they gained by idiotically going after the fast-forward in Hong Kong. What, they didn't watch the original race where every team who got the fast-forward lost that time shortly thereafter? Idiots.

Chris and Alex depart next. I still have no idea which one is Chris and which one is Alex.

Wil and Tara leave third. Wil turns on the charm and nags his boat driver to go, go, go. He needs smacked in the head with an oar. He and Tara "debate" whether to go after the fast-forward or not. Phil then appears to explain to the audience the rules of the fast-forward, that teams can only use it once, yadda yadda yadda. At least with this race, Phil's expository BS is shown in front of new scenery in each episode. They probably just filmed him in front of a blue screen in Hollywood and then inserted stock footage of whatever city they're in at the time...

The fast-forward in this leg is at the Po Lin Monastery, where teams have to climb 268 steps to a statue of Buddha. Why are they wasting valuable time explaining this when Wil and Tara end up NOT going after it by second-guessing each other?

Itchy and Scratchy have caught the first bus to Repulse Bay. Words can't even describe the way they're lounged back on this bus. What a bunch of slobs. Wil and Tara have apparently decided to not go after the fast-forward and we get to see an amusing shot of Wil trying to chase down the bus. He fails, of course, and then turns on Tara, berating her for wasting their time, the bus, and his entire pitiful life. They decide to go back after the fast-forward.

Team Cha Cha Cha leaves fourth, and decide to find the nearest five-star hotel for "directions". Team Flowers in the Attic leaves last. They gaze longingly into each other’s eyes and vow to catch up with the other teams...

Itchy and Scratchy and the Boston Brothers arrive in Repulse Bay. The Bostonians earn points in my book by telling Itchy and Scratchy the way it is. Why can't those camera crews look the other way for a minute so Itchy can get the beat-down he deserves?

Wil and Tara arrive at the ferry terminal and change their minds YET AGAIN about going after the fast-forward. They decide to go back and try to catch the bus again. Wil is an ass. I know... Wil is always an ass. I need to have "Wil is an ass" on Copy/Paste so I can save time by not having to continuously re-type it. They eventually make it to the monastery, where we get an uncomfortable shot of Tara humping up on one of the Bostonians. I think it's Alex, but I can't tell who is who because Tara's frame is in the way.

Wil's ugly hat is back! I was hoping he'd lost it in the Namibian desert! Eeek.

Teams get their next clue and have to go to the Murray House. What it the Murray House? Who knows? Where is the Murray House? Who knows? Certainly not Blake and Paige, or their cab driver who returns them to downtown Hong Kong before they realize there's a problem. Too much hand-holding in the back seat of the cab to pay attention to what's going on, I guess.

Itchy slams into Tara while running toward the infamous Murray House. Wil shoves him back. It's like a junior high field trip. Next is the Detour. Did you know that a Detour is a "choice between two tasks"? Thanks for clarifying that, Phil. This choice is between Dragon and Lion; teams can either row a Dragon boat or parade through town in a Ceremonial Lion costume. Team Cha Cha Cha doesn't blink an eye before parading through town in the flashy lion costume. The other teams decide to row. Itchy and Scratchy paddle like complete idiots, embarrassing themselves even more than they did playing volleyball in Rio.

The Flowers in the Attic siblings finally divert their attention from the back seat of the cab and realize they're hopelessly lost. Blake calls it an "epiphany". Whatever. They don't know where the damn house is, they can't communicate with their driver, and they're surprised that they're lost?

Chris and Alex follow the "mah-kahs" (love that Boston accent!) and easily finish first. Their next stop is the world-famous Opera House in Sydney, Australia. Phil then repeats, almost verbatim, that their next stop is the Opera House in Sydney. Did the producers think that the Bostonians' accents were so indecipherable that they needed to clarify it for the audience. This show is so fast-paced and tricky that a casual viewer can't follow along? Right.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Oswald and Danny finish the parade and borrow some schmuck's phone to make plane reservations. Wil and Tara and Itchy and Scratchy finish with the boats, after providing some very amusing shots of them rowing in circles. Too bad most of their dialogue was bleeped out...

Blake and Paige finally get to the Murray House, after the world's longest taxi tour of Hong Kong. Team Cha Cha Cha decides to find yet another five-star hotel. They're insatiable. Itchy and Scratchy call them "smug bastards" and say that there is "something wrong with them". I don't see them getting a card this Christmas...

Blake hijacks a cab to go to the airport. After all, that worked so well for Kim and Leslie in Paris... Wil and Tara and the Boston Brothers arrive at the airport, where Tara and Alex get a little time together going down the concourse. Oswald and Danny decide to go shopping after making plans with a travel agency. Where do they go shopping? Starbucks and Gucci. Who didn't see that coming?

Blake and Paige also somehow make it to the airport. What, no five-star hotel for them? Itchy behaves like a total ass to the nice lady at the ticket counter. "Do you ever think outside the box?" he asks. Does he ever think at all? Okay, behave like a jerk to the person who can get you on the flight you need, and see how helpful she'll be. Meanwhile, the Cha Chas get chauffeured to the airport in a black Mercedes. Of all the lucky breaks...

Teams have flown from Hong Kong to Bangkok. Itchy snaps at Chris at the Bangkok ticket counter. What is with this guy? Chris just needs to lay him out. Oswald and Danny take a different flight from Singapore to Sydney and arrive first. It's raining. Is that why there is NO ONE at the world-famous Opera House? Where are the crowds? Did the producers rope off the steps from the tourists?

Itchy and Scratchy are the first to leave the Sydney airport. Itchy can tote around a huge backpack, but has no room for a comb?

Oswald and Danny open the clue at the Opera House. It's a Roadblock. Did you know that a Roadblock is a task that only one team member can perform? This time, they must take a tour of Sydney following clues written in Australian slang. Itchy says that he didn't do well in Australian in school. You're not funny, Itchy. You have never been funny. You're not going to be funny. Just give it up.

Teams must find a "Surfie in Lairy Daks", a "True Blue Ankle Biter", a "Sheila in an Aussie Cozzie", and a "Bushie". These are all people, and what cracks me up is how conspicuous they each are. A kid peddling a bike draped in Australian flags around a fountain. Even if you don't know what the heck an "ankle biter" is, how can you miss that? Or that drop-dead gorgeous woman wearing an Australian flag bikini, lying out in the RAIN. Or that chump with the bird.

That drop-dead gorgeous woman in the bikini is also draped across an Australian flag!

Tara tells Wil to be sure to read the directions. Of course that means he will not read the directions. Blake is an idiot. The Cha Chas finish first, and make their way to the roof of the Museum of Contemporary Art overlooking Sydney Harbor. Scratchy tells the drop-dead gorgeous woman on the Australian flag "you're looking fine, by the way." Okay, so he's not a total idiot.

Oswald and Danny arrive at the pit stop first and are greeted by Sydney's "Town Crier". The inside of his mouth looked disgusting. And it's not like you could miss it when he was yelling "Welcome to Sydney!" Or was that "Sid-Ney"? And as an after-thought, Team Cha Cha Cha wins a Caribbean Cruise for finishing first.

The Bostonians finish second, and Itchy and Scratchy finish third. Blake strengthened American-Australian relations by kissing that drop-dead gorgeous woman in the Australian flag bikini on the mouth. Paige looks jealous. Or maybe not. Paige only has one facial expression. A smile. Is she happy? Angry? Who knows... she's always smiling.

Wil and Tara receive their clue from the Bird Man and realize that Wil has royally f***ed up the Roadblock. The bird: "Caw, Wil's an idiot, Wil's an idiot". Blake and Paige figure out their mistake too. The bird: "Caw, cute but stupid, cute but stupid". Blake just looks dazed and confused. I don't know if he even knows what he's doing.

What the heck? Wil has just admitted that he was wrong! Wil... admitted being wrong. Did Hell just freeze over? But wait... he said that to the camera, not to Tara. Wil and Blake both redo the entire Roadblock, and we don't get to watch them go back after the Surfer Guy, and so on. But then again, we might have gotten more shots of the woman in the Australian flag bikini. I think she has surpassed Sarah from Italy as the most gorgeous person the contestants get to meet during the race...

Wil finishes redoing the Roadblock, but harps on Tara that it was still her fault that he screwed up. Beg pardon? "I brought this back to you," he says to Tara of the clue. That's the problem, jerk. They still finish fourth even though they went to the wrong museum. Blake and Paige finish last, but are relieved when Phil reveals that this was a non-elimination point. Of course it was. And then we get treated to what is probably the creepiest speech ever given by any contestant on the race. With romantic music playing in the background (thanks, CBS), Blake practically proposes to his sister. Yuck.

CBS' half-assed editing has spliced Episode Nine right onto the end of this episode, and Phil has recorded some last-minute voice-overs. Will Oswald and Danny continue to "charm" their way through the race? Will Itchy and Scratchy's "aggressive technique" (is that what it's called) pay off? Find out as soon as my review for the second half is available...

Chris