Previously on The Amazing Race...
- Team ChaChaCha got a fast forward but was "equalized". Funny, I never saw Edward Woodward in any of these episodes, better check my tape again.
- Wil was mean and obnoxious.
- Since Oral Roberts has his phone diverted to voice mail, God called Cyndi & Russell back instead.

< cue intro - note: I love the pic of Tara elbowing Wil when he tries to hug her. Heh. >

Commercial break! Since I'm bummed that this is probably a non-elimination episode, I'll check baseball scores. Braves are losing. Maybe I can get my revenge on AyaK for assigning me a non-elim ep by beating him in Fantasy Baseball.

Fantasy Baseball side note -- Bebo's Bashers Boy of the Day (BOD) award goes to Kenny Lofton for going 3 for 5 with 2 runs scored, 2 stolen bases, and 1 RBI. Congratulations, Kenny!

Back to the show. Since the "real" episode had two names, I thought mine could too. The first, as all musical theatre fans (and Oswald & Danny) would know, is from the song featured in the musical "Chess". According to the song,

Bangkok is gonna be the witness to the ultimate test of cerebal fitness
...but we're watching The Amazing Race instead.

I hope everyone brought along their Constructa-Episode Kits. I bought mine for $4.98 on e-bay. The kit includes the following:
- Envelopes similar to those opened by the contestants. If yours are missing, make your own using copier paper and Crayola markers.
- Video of hands opening the "Roadblock" and "Detour" envelopes.
- Tapes of Phil repeating the descriptions of Roadblocks and Detours, since they use the same canned monologue each episode.
- Inflatable "locals" to stand with Phil at each pit stop to welcome racers.
- A videotape machine that plays back taped footage very, very fast, to remind viewers that they are watching a race.
Enjoy!

6:11am - Chex starts this leg of the race, heading off for a longboat so that they can get to town and find the right flower vendor in a market of hundreds. Since neither of these guys has had a relationship significant enough to ever buy a girl flowers, this wil be a particularly difficult challenge for them. The audience is treated to a crotch shot by the crack editing team. No, I will not apologize for the pun.

6:42am - Peaches and Scream head out. The usual Peaches is overwhelmed, Scream is proud of her for doing this, blah blah blah. (Note to Canada Girl: time to drink - Scream praised her partner. Another note: I doubt I'll be able to keep up for an official scoring total.)

7:19am - Twil joins the party. Time to get back to our song from Chess...

One Night in Bangkok makes the hard man humble

but that obviously did not apply to Wil, despite his spending the entire 12 hours required rest time in the Pit Stop writing, "I promise that I Wil be more humble and a gentleman." Tara was not clued in by the obvious misspelling and was surprised that it took 10 seconds for him to break his promise. Yes, 10 seconds, for those of you who were in betting pools. FYI, I know I lost, I picked 30.

Wil had a total hissy in the boat, repeatedly hollering "Go, go, go" to the boatman, who earned mega-karma points in my book for ignoring him. Tara called him a devil-man. Duh.

7:22am - Blaige learns they will be given $120 for this leg of the race. In the southern backwoods, this is enough money to get a 10-year-old truck and a decent rifle, so they run off shouting "WOO!!!!"

7:23am - Goofus & Doofus, modeling the latest hat from the "Snoopy on his Sopwith Camel" collection, tell us they need to stop making mistakes and start exploiting the weaknesses of the other teams. Is it just me, or do they look like they are the leads in "Weird Science II"?

OK, you little maniacs, what do you want to do next? First attempt at humor: nicknaming Blaige "Team Smiley". Second attempt at humor: saying the British should have colonized this place so that people talked English. Swing and a miss -- strike 2.

Sorry boys, there are no bonus points for being a smartass. If there were, I would win this flipping race without leaving my family room.

Next we see Blaige, "thinking outside the race". Be afraid, be very afraid. Oh, I see, they've decided to play International Pictionary. Poor Blake, can't draw flowers and has to ask his sister for help. She's proud that they're getting creative.

Sorry sibs, there are no bonus points for being creative. If there were, Frau Hexe and Nightscribe would be whooping it up at the finish line right now.

ChaCha is suffering from "shopping withdrawl. I feel your pain, two days before every payday. Oswald is frustrated and not having fun anymore.

Goofus & Doofus provide more commentary as we're shown the quick edits between van shots to try to simulate suspense when all we're really watching is a bunch of people sitting on their asses.
- "Peaches can't kill anything except maybe a pink margarita." I've seen grown men scared of tequila, so don't knock that for an accomplishment.
- Chex are out of their league, since there are no beer bongs, toga parties, and drunken women hanging around. Lemme guess guys...we're you Lambda Lambda Lambda's?

Chex finally gets to the flower market and guess what? There are flowers everywhere. Sheesh.

<cue commercial -- for those of you scoring at home, Philadelphia's winning 4-3.>

We're then subjected to shot after shot of people wandering through the market. If I wanted to see that, I'd just head down to the flea market. Sigh. Anyway, Chex finds it first and is directed to the Old Bridge. Twil see them hightailing it out of there and realize they need to be on the other side of the street. Once again, they can't figure something out for themselves and ride on the coattails of others. Sigh.

Once Twil finds the clue, Tara tries to communicate that they want to go to the train station by getting in the guys face and howling "Choo, choo!"

Sorry jerks, there are no bonus points for sound effects.

Blaige, Goofus & Doofus, and Team Fab pick up the clue in that order. Poor Oswald is tired, angry, and wanting to be in a comfortable place. Being surrounded by pansies does not qualify.

They all get bunched up again at the train station before their 15-hour ride on the train. Wil thinks that repeating words constitutes conversation, so he just says it will be "grueling, grueling, grueling". You're still a twit, twit, twit.

What to do when you're in a foreign country trying to win a million dollars and have a limited budget but time on your hands? SHOPPING!! Woohoo! Seems like Team Fab are not the only ones in withdrawl. Blaige wants to spend all their money on cool stuff, since after all they can just beg locals for cash when they run out. Chris shops by hugging women, which makes you wonder exactly what he purchased. Alex makes Wil jealous by having a nice time with Tara. Um, y'all, Bangkok is the name of a place, not a race instruction. I want to rename Chex and call them Team Male Hos.

Peaches and Scream decide that Twil is getting too far ahead of them on the Fight-Meter, so they squabble because Scream did not force Peaches to buy the clothes she was looking at. Peaches explains that she doesn't like haggling, and that Scream is the middle child. Well, that may be true chronologically, but you've got the Jan Brady thing going. I was just waiting for you to say "It's always Mary, Mary, Mary."

As Team Fab heads to the train, they say "Honey, we're going to be with the real people." At least they realize that Phil and the other teams don't fit in that category. I'd give them bonus points if I could.

The great train race...oh sorry, it's just sweaty, whiny people trapped on a train for 15 hours. Big moments: Wil makes a friend, who plays with Wil even though Wil is several years behind him emotionally. Oswald makes an emotional decision to continue, grabs some dust from the floor and vows "As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again."

The teams arrive in Chaing Mai. Blaige thinks the taxi driver understands English because he moved after they said "Taxi" and "fast". Then again, that's how we do it here in NC. Peaches & Scream decide to share a taxi with Goofus & Doofus. Twil & Chex share one too. Goofus & Doofus adopt a Wil strategy and just keep yelling "Yeah yeah yeah". Either that, or their cabbie was playing a Beatles CD.

Note to Canada Girl: At this point, anyone playing your drinking game should have alcohol poisoning, given the number of times the word "Taxi" was said.

Blaige end up getting passed off mid-cab ride -- guess the cabbie got weirded out too.

DETOUR!
OK, pull out your Constructa-Episode kits and fill in the definition of a DETOUR.

Boat, or Beast?

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Goofus & Doofus claim to be Rivermen and head to their raft. Scream decides they will raft. Team Fab has trouble with their raft still it's still tied up. Blaige joins the rafting fun. Both Peaches and Oswald fall in, but to their credit, neither one cried. Scream figures out how to quickly raft, and they make the Rivermen look like sorry Riverboys. They pass, screaming "Girl Power" and then break into a quick medley of Spice Girl hits. Goofus & Doofus lament, "We got passed by a couple of girls". Get used to it -- it's may be the first time, but it won't be the last, dweebs. After Team Fab goes sideways (don't worry, not even I will go that far), Danny jumps in the water to save the day. He was so proud to use the one butch bone in his body (and no, I won't go there either).

Sorry sweeties, but there's no bonus points for butch.

Finally, Chex and Twil join the rafting trip. Notable comments:
Chex: "Keep your stick in." (uh, not going there either, don't know where it's been)
Twil:
- "You're an idiot, man." Um, Wil, she's a girl. No wonder your marriage didn't work out.
- "We're not communicating, she won't admit she's wrong." Um, Wil, probably because she's not.
- "Shut up, Wil." Exactly.
For those of you scoring at home, I am hollering at the TV, hoping that will change this into an elimination episode. While my hollering saved Maryland against Indiana, I don't think it will work this time.

Meanwhile, at the end of the river, Peaches & Scream get to their SUV's first and head to the Mae Ping Village. Goofus & Doofus are close behind, chanting "we money, we money". Give it up, guys, we know you're dorks. Blaige and Team Fab follow, with Oswald providing yet another priceless line: "The last time I got this wet, I wasn't rowing." (I am most definitely not going there!)

We now pull out the standard plot device from our Constructa-Episode kits -- the Sit & B!tch. This is where we get treated to fights between the teammates while they go from one place to another. Peaches talks about how different this is from getting directions at the mall. Gary lectures Dave on speeding, while Dave laments that "we don't talk anymore". Gary's mature response to this open request for more sharing and giving between the partners? "Just email me."

Twil passes Chex, the team with stick problems, and the two teams try to catch up with the pack.

ROADBLOCK! consult your Constructa-Episode kit for this description

It's elephant washing time. Whoa. Could this be too much drama for network TV?
- As Scream works to keep the lead, she comments that she doesn't even scrub floors. Now that I know we're kindred spirits, she moves up in my Popularity Poll.
- Gary keeps talking to the elephant about what a nice guy he is. When he says, "I got peanuts", I got nervous. This is network TV, after all.
- Blaige is having issues with his pants, while his sister checks out the elephant's painted ass.

The clue directs them to the pit stop at Karen Village. Say the word elimination, damn it!

Blake said the elephant sh!t on his foot. The elephant now moves to the #1 spot on my Popularity poll. Oswald says he was such a diva about washing elephants and gets into the car as Danny calls, "Cmon, Lucy".

Wil is being dainty washing his elephant. He is obviously not familiar with bathing issues. Reason #5,938,583 that he and Tara separated. Chris yells, "Use the loofah, Alex." May not be the first time he's said that...shouldn't have gone there. As I watch Wil mince through this roadblock, I again swear profusely about this being a non-elimination episode.

At Karen Village, Peaches & Scream are the first to get laid, then Goofus & Doofus. Goofus & Doofus then try to act tough with the trash talk. Look, butch talk doesn't work for you any better than it does for Team Fab. Blaige is 3rd, and Blake comments that if they keep moving up, he likes their chance of winning. Uh... Team Fab crosses 4th, and Oswald gets into a discussion on the lessons he's learning from Buddha in humility, endurance, patience, and smelly people.

Twil and Chex assume this is a non-elimination point, so they calmly walk up together. They agreed that Chex would go on the mat first, since they knew how to wash stuff and raft better. But in a dramatic change, Wil jumps on the mat first. Oh my, I haven't seen anything that dramatic since Billy cut in front of me in the lunch line in 4th grade and stole the last serving of tater tots. I don't know what I hated more, the fact that he did it, or the "nanny nanny boo boo" look on his face as he did it.

When Chex step on the mat, Phil pauses for dramatic effect, which fails miserably, so he then continues with the line we all hated to hear -- this was a non-elimination point. The losers live to fight another day.

Wil was pleased with himself (since no one else ever is) because he wants to sever ties with the others. Uh, Wil, Tara's on your side, you do have to start working with her at some point. Chex is pissed and plotting the ultimate revenge...taking Tara away.

Sorry hos, there are no bonus points for sex.

Why did this episode earn the subtitle Junior High Field Trip? Well, if the constant sniping didn't give it away for you, or the dejected looks of being trapped on a train together for 15 hours, then Alex's final line was the ultimate clue, when he decided he would get his revenge by taking Wil's girl.

INSTA-POLL (Those folks on the Survivor Bashers board are used to these from me):
The best way to get revenge on Wil is...
a) Take his girl, from whom he has been separated for several years
b) Sign him up for magazine subscriptions in every country they visit
c) Ridicule his hat on every occasion
d) Beat him in the Amazing Race

Next week, on The Amazing Race...
- The racers get to operate heavy machinery. Am I the only one who thinks this is a horrible idea?

S.O.B.