And if you watched this whole stupid episode you "Deserve a Little Shoulder Rub" too!

Previously on The Amazing Race…

Blake and Paige carried their backpacks on the airplane, and Chris and Alex delayed the plane’s passengers until the luggage was unloaded. Blank & Beige took a jet boat to the Fast Forward, and all the others bungee jumped in a canyon before going off to chase sheep. If this next episode can’t do better than sheep wrangling, I’ll be asleep before Wil gets nasty.

Phil tells us that last week was the final non-elimination pit stop, and that the final three teams will race to the finish line. That means somebody goes home tonight. Then he points out that Team Birdcage is over an hour behind the Bahstahds of Bahstan, and that Puke Hat & the Missus have not used a Fast Forward yet.
He poses a question about whether they will use it now, or save it to the last possible moment. This confirms that there is a FF available somewhere in the final leg.

By virtue of the totally wasted Fast Forward, Team Smiley departs first, at 2:13 a.m. They are given $20 bucks and told to go the Maori Arts and Crafts Institute, which is 500 miles away. There are tickets enclosed for a ferry ride, which leaves in nine hours. Blake tells us he wants to win to make his parents proud. Forget it nitwit, they’ve seen you begging in airports and pawing your sister on network television. They probably moved while you were gone.

Exactly one hour later (great FF that was) Tara and Wil get released, and Divorce Court is in session. Wil can’t start the camper -- some sort of complex key-turning mechanism has him baffled. The bickering starts. I dutifully wrote a lot of this down, but I’ll spare you the details.

At 3:41, the Massachusetts Morons stumble out of the sheep pens looking totally drained. Chris offers the gem: "I think some people thought we were kinda dumb" (that would be each of the 16 million viewers) "and then they found out we have a head on our shoulders." Ah, but it’s so empty!

Blake has an epiphany on the road, declaring to Paige: We’re going to a whole ‘nother island! We are on the South island, and have to take a ferry to the North island!" He sounds like he just figured out his first map. They let this whiz kid travel the planet?

Wil and Tara are lost, and fight about it. Tara takes over the driving so Wil can devote all his energy to blame displacement.

ChaChaCha leaves at 5:04 a.m., and are thrilled to be riding in a very classy Mercedes Benz mobile home.
Who knew the Germans liked to travel so much?
(Correct answer: the French.)
Oswald reads the clue, emphasizing they must drive except for the time they spend riding the ferry. "Fairy?" says Danny. Hey, only one fairy joke to a customer, please.

Back to the Bickersons. Wil declares, with a straight face, that he’s "tired of being a punching bag for her in situations where something goes wrong. I’m a competitor and I like to get things done my way." His logic: Follow my orders, and don’t blame me if I’m wrong. They stop at a phone booth to call for directions. While he’s at the booth, Tara unloads her anger at the camera. We hear Wil explain himself in voice over: "At times I’ve been a little bit short." Now we know why Tara keeps throwing herself at other men, hoping for someone with a longer, uh, attention span. Tara finds the town on the map, and off they go, with Tara demanding an apology, Wil telling Tara she’s acting like an idiot, and Tara telling him he needs anger management classes.
And she needs a restraining order.

Cut to Chris and Alex, who are rolling along admiring the New Zealand countryside. After the 7 millionth sheep, Chris notes that there are 10 sheeps for each horny guy in the country, which is a good thing.

Cut back to Wil and Wilnot. He admits they had a meltdown, which is partially his fault. He offers a truly sincere apology to his beloved, which is easy, since she’s fast asleep and can’t hear him.

After a lesson in turning on the wipers, Oswald begins driving. He tells Danny he doesn’t need to learn reverse, just forward. He tells us this is his first time "driving a truck, or a house, or whatever this may be." Danny provides some foreshadowing with this: I have total faith in him. It’s good to know I have a partner I can depend on."

Blake and Paige arrive at the ferry terminal in Picton. She tells her brother she wants to get off quick, so they climb up into the camper’s bed. No wait, first they get a little orange card to hang from the mirror from some guy named Dave who is not selling hamburgers but looks like the late Dave Thomas of Wendy’s fame. Then they climb up the ladder, and we get a flash of red at Paige’s waist as she bends. A panty flash? After repeated viewings, I believe it to be a belt. Only Blake would know.

Pillow talk from Team "Something to Smile About"
Paige, who is on her back: "That was a long drive. I deserve a little… shoulder rub."
Bleary Blake, on one elbow above her: "A shoulder rub? How about after a nap?"

A nap? Is that what they call it in Texas?
And then, I swear to God, Blake stares at her chest.
(Dear Penthouse, I was on this long trip with my sister…)

Chex arrives at the ferry terminal, followed by the Louse and the Spouse. O&D wreck the Benz by whacking the mirror into a bridge. Tara asks some ferry employee about being the first ones off the boat, and she is denied any special permission. Then she throws herself at Alex, who hoists her onto his back and carries her away while Wil watches. The evil foursome find out that Paige arranged for some sort of frequent traveler priority upgrade, and proceed to drive around all the other traffic, shouting to workers that they are with Blake and Paige. Wilma ends up first, with Chris and Alex next to them, and Blaige behind them both. Blake says Wil is a "jackass," and Alex "is so full of it." But he is still behind them both. Does this sound a lot like the airplane incident from last week?

Team Fabulous arrives as the 11:30 ferry leaves, and they realize they must wait for the 1:30 ferry. Danny comments that will be a long hour-and-a-half, which is a good clue why these guys are last.

When we return from commercials, Team Satisfied Smiles is sleeping it off, while Wil describes the day’s events to Alex, cleverly shifting all the blame to the idiot he married.
In voice over Alex says Wil is being mean and disrespectful to Tara. Meanwhile he’s blatantly cuckolding the guy with the brazen slut of a wife-ho. Nothing disrespectful or mean there. Why, It’s romantic!

Tara leaves Wil at a table and finds Alex along the ship’s rail. He teaches her to spit, and then they go to the bow and lean out to pretend they are flying. Later he’ll draw nude pictures of her, and Chris will sell them on the Internet.

Back on the dock, Oswald and Danny decide not to sweat the small stuff. Like the race. They’ve thrown in the Prada towel, and this episode can’t end soon enough. AbFab get on a ferry, and Danny is wearing a sleeveless pink T-Shirt with the word Weird written across it in glitter. And his pink sunglasses.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

I feel this team is out of butch moments.

The leading three teams drive off the ferry, and Paige makes a grilled cheese sandwich. (Huh?) They head through more of New Zealand which looks exactly the same as Middle Earth, but Chris the anthropologist declares, "We’re in Maori territory, I’ll tell you that." They arrive at the Maori center, and are told to come back when it opens in the morning. Oswald and Danny catch up, and all the teams are even.
We now realize the producers have wasted a half-hour of our lives with incessant petty sniping, bald-faced adultery, and smutty incest innuendo. We are grateful.

A Maori warrior arrives to get the show back on track. American Airlines gets its travelogue minute with a tribal dance and such, but our intrepid combatants grab the clues and bolt for the next stop, which is the Lost World Cavern, about 100 miles away.
Tara and Wil decide the time is right for the Fast Forward. It involves driving to, and climbing, a volcano. Unfortunately, Mount Tarawera is an inactive volcano. The couple from hell haul themselves to the top, skid down the inner rim and grab the clue. Then they have to climb back out. The pit stop is at the Warbirds hanger in Auckland, 125 miles away.

Blake and Paige arrive at the caves first, and dress in the obligatory jumpsuits. Oswald and Danny are second, with Chris and Alex last. The detour is a choice between the world’s longest free rappel 350 feet down into a cave, or climbing down a long ladder to where the next clue is waiting. Blake and Paige go down smiling. A preview of next week, no doubt.

They emerge from the cave in pairs, with Oswald lagging behind. He’s lost the will to continue, but Danny drags him along anyway. These two are destined for cocktails with Peach in a few hours. Thoughtful and classy Chris offers a slur, saying Oswald was "sissy-footing" around in the cave.

Tara offers another strange comment. "Wil’s probably been nicer to me on this race than he’s ever been, and I’ve probably been nicer on the race than I’ve ever been to him." Gee, that must have been a pleasant wedding.

While these mutants are driving to the pit stop, Wil takes off the puke hat and says he wants to fill it up with a million. What does Tara want to fill, he asks. "Your mouth with a sock, so you’ll shut the hell up," she replies.
Wil confesses to the camera: "Deep down inside, Tara and I know we are probably not the best for each other." Don’t flatter yourself, jackass. There is no "deep" in your shallow soul.

When these two monsters arrive at the Warbirds Hanger there is an old war bird there waiting with Phil. They are in first place (duh) and win a vacation to Los Cabos, Mexico. Two nights, three days should fill the residency requirement for a Mexican divorce. Or Tara can go there with Alex. Or, what the hell, with Phil, since she just grabbed him at the checkpoint and wrapped her thighs around him. For those trying to figure out the time of day: The shadows are very small, indicating the sun is almost directly overhead.

Now we get all the emotional claptrap that the producers have been building up to for 11 damn episodes. It seems that Wil and Tara are not getting along, and Wil is forced to admit there is no chance of reconciliation. (she said that in the first episode, peabrain)
Wil compares himself to a butterfly, emerging from a cocoon, now "able to fly away and do my own thing."
Please Wil, be a good insect and fly into traffic.

On the road, Blake gets construction workers to help move them through a traffic jam, while Chris and Alex get lost and ask for directions. The sun is apparently in the same overhead position.

The clue in the cave sends the racers to a four-track adventure service, where they get to drive quads (four-wheeled motorbikes) around a manufactured course that ends on the beach, where the final clue is waiting. Blake and Paige arrive first, and Paige gets into a little jumpsuit and drives off. Alex drives off next, and Danny drives off last. The clue said the person must be a rough rider, and Oswald says: "That’s you, baby." That’s more than I wanted to know, thank you very much.
The editing attempts to make us believe that Miami Nice is still in the race, but we know better. Danny gets mud on his glitter shirt, but laughs his way through it.

When the Paiger returns, she tells Blecch she’s vibrating all over. He helps her out of her clothes, and hey, with a line like that, who wouldn’t? This removal of Paige’s pants looks like a common thing for these snugglin’ sibs. After she’s undressed, they run off to the camper, hooting in pleasure. Time for a … neck rub, no doubt.

After some driving around, Blake and Paige check in at the pit stop. Their shadows are about four feet long, which means several hours have passed since Terror and The Butterfly arrived. Paige cheers that they made the final three, and Bleak says they will be smiling all the way to the finish line no matter what happens.

And what will happen next?

Chex gets lost!
ChaCha gets lost!
Both must stop and ask for directions!
Oooh… Oooh… suspense!

But Boston beats Miami, and Chex chex in not long after Blaige. Phil makes them sweat a bit before telling them they are third, but when he does he gets a big hug from Chris, who lifts him off the ground. I guess if Alex can carry off Tara, then Chris wants Phil. Makes sense to me.

Finally, Oswald and Danny appear. They are in good spirits, and Danny smiles when Phil tells them they are eliminated. Oswald reflects on the adventure, saying that no matter what he does in the future he knows he can do it. They both offer comments that sum up their style of play.
Oswald: "When life becomes such a rush you need to stop and enjoy that you have because it could all end in a second. "
Danny: "I lost a lover to AIDS and since then we are very aware that you are here today and gone tomorrow so enjoy the moment."

That’s an admirable philosophy for life, boys. A lousy philosophy for a race, however. So back in the Birdcage you go! We will miss your sense of humor.

Closing comments from the others…
Chris the cliché machine: All the gloves are coming off. It’s no holds bahhed. Whatever goes, goes.
Paige: With Chris and Alex the main problem is they have is they go so fast they tend to make a mistake.
Wil: I’m pulling out all my tricks. Tara: I’m turning tricks.
Chris: Right now all the ties have been cut, all the alliances are over, it’s the end of the race and right about now It’s Hammer Time.

Phil returns with a On the Next Amazing Race, and it’s chock full of stuff. It's the amazing two hour finale and there actually appears to be three teams in contention. Granted, we hate them all, but at least it's a race.

Here's a run down of the video...

A long bridge over a snowy valley
Shirtless Blake behind Paige in car (no, it's not the backseat)
Either Blake or Chex chopping a globe-shaped ice structure which appears to have a clue envelope inside
Waves on the beach
A Snow Cat driving across snow
Alex kissing Tara (or whispering to her) while seated next to her on an airplane
Someone with a flamethrower melting that same ice sculpture
Wil snorkeling while Tara yells at him
A wet shirtless Blake and bikini-topped Paige in a rubber boat
Alex, then Chris in a rubber boat
Will laughing maniacally next to Tara in a rubber boat
Rocky coastline, gazebo on the hill, surrounded by palm trees
Two divers, one of which is Blake, working on boxes tied on ropes just below the surface
Shouting Blake ripping off his mask while seated in the rubber boat and holding a clue envelope
Snow Cat with Wil and Tara upset
All three teams running together through what appears to be an airport
The ice sculpture again, with Tara yelling at Wil, who tells her to shut up. A nearby ice sculpture is already broken.
Paige driving a GMC Jimmy in the snow, similar to one parked near the ice sculpture
Blake and Paige running in a muddy road in some tropical field
Chex in a Snow Cat, with Alex covered in ice chips
Blake and Paige running from an airport or some other such building
Alex and Chris running down a street
Blake getting out of a taxi
Tara at an airport line looking through her luggage
Close up of a concerned Tara
Wil standing in same airport looking stunned, saying "she lost the clue."