And isn’t that what you want in a cigarette? Yes, my friends, that cancerous lump on CBS’s prime-time schedule known as The Amazing Race (TAR2) is back. We’ll see breast cancer survivors meet the poster girl for skin cancer. We’ll see the entire cast receive radiation therapy in the desert of Nevada. Joe Camel never had it so good.

The scene opens in Pahrump, Nevada with choppers transporting eleven teams of two to the starting line, otherwise known as Area 51. Even though David Duchovny is nowhere in sight, one of the teams is clearly comprised of two of the three Lone Gunmen, so we know the truth is out there.

Speaking of the teams, it’s a whole new season, so let’s meet them, shall we?

Blake & Paige – the brother and sister team from Texas. As our own Lisapooh so aptly pointed out, it looks like there’s a little “Flowers in the Attic” thing going on here. I haven’t seen a brother and sister this crazy about each other since “The Hotel New Hampshire.” Blake’s clearly a cowboy (could his name be any more Texan?), so we’ll call this the Marlboro Team.

Hope & Norm – the married couple from Tennessee, they are officially graduates of the Tina Wesson Media Ho Camp (thanks, Sir). They were, in fact, recruited for the show by Wesson. A couple of my favorite posters live in the great state of Tennessee, so I really want to like these two. Unfortunately, liking these two is about as easy as liking melba toast. They’re really that bland. And when you’re talking bland, you’re talking Merit brand smokes.

Oswald & Danny – the gay men from Miami. Gay men in Miami? I’ve never heard of such a thing. Does Will Smith know about this? Oswald lets us know that it’s going to be hard getting used to 7-Up when he’s used to drinking champagne. They’re snooty, they’re Dunhills.

Tara & Wil – the separated couple from La-La Land. Tara, a word? A separation might not be enough. A restraining order might be a better idea. Call me crazy, but something tells me we’re going to be reading something like “Former TAR Contestant Kills Ex-Wife” in a few years. I don’t know what Tara would be, but Wil is all Pall Mall.

Deidre & Hillary – a mother and daughter from Miami and Brooklyn, respectively. They’ve been estranged since the divorce when Deidre was six, and they’re trying to rebuild the relationship. I thought that’s what Oprah was for. It would take a lot of time to explain their relationship, and what takes more time to order than Benson & Hedges Ultra-Light Menthol One Hundreds?

Chris & Alex – lifelong friends from Boston. As if we didn’t have enough Bostonian accents to deal with on Survivor, we need these two guys? They work as night club bouncers, and Joe Camel has wet dreams over guys like these.

Cyndi & Russell – married pastors from Minnesota. As much as I want to make fun of them, being the heretic I am, they’re surprisingly easy-going in the first episode. They’re Nicoderm CQ nicotine patches.

Peggy & Claire – the self-labeled “gutsy grannies” from California. Remember Clara Peller? You know, “Where’s the beef?” Picture two of her. What do old people smoke anyway? Oh, that’s right. They don’t. They’re all dead.

Gary & Dave – former roommates from NYC, and the aforementioned members of the Lone Gunmen. They are both listed as writers on the CBS site. Are you kidding me? Writers of what? Letters to Penthouse? From where I’m sitting, these guys look like GPC’s. I can’t imagine they can afford anything else.

Mary & Peach – sisters from Pennsylvania. Hang on a sec. Peach?! Peach?! The only Peach I can remember in my lifetime is the princess that Super Mario has to save. Peach?! Sorry. Had to get that out of my system. Peach?! All right, it wasn’t quite out of my system. I think I’m good now. Peach, incidentally, is pretty much what you’d expect of someone named Peach. I’m absolutely certain that The Presidents of the United States of America were not singing about her when they sang, “Millions of Peaches, Peaches for me.” They’d have all killed themselves. Clearly, I’m never going to have the name Peach out of my system. Virginia Slims.

Shola & Doyin – Twin brothers, both independent contractors from Albany. As an independent contractor myself, let me translate: collecting unemployment checks. No, that’s not a slur. Let me repeat: as an independent contractor myself… actually, these guys are kinda cute. These guys are Winstons, for the sole reason that Winstons always seem to have a buy two, get one free deal going.

Whew. Always fun to introduce the cast. Shall we get on to the game itself? We all know what the most important thing is in these reality game shows, right? That’s correct: sponsors. Right on cue, the contestants are all told to hop in Ford Explorers and find their way out of Area 51 by finding yellow and red flags. They’re also told that they’re going to have to fly to Rio (and considering how wonderful our own Rio is, I’d have to say they’re damned lucky), so it’s a good thing they’ve all gotten their radiation therapy before heading to the skin cancer capital of the world.

The search for the flags is actually kind of fun, sort of a Cannonball Run without celebrities and with a lot more dust. For some reason, almost everyone follows everyone else rather than searching for the flags on their own. This insures that all of them will arrive at the airport in Las Vegas at exactly the same time at a dead run, which further insures that airport security will completely freak out.

When I read of this in TV Guide, I thought, “Ah, great. Just what America wants to see. A primer on how to evade airport security. I’m sure terrorists will be taking copious notes.” Fortunately however, they didn’t spend any time showing how the teams got around the cops. There is hope for CBS after all. Wil doesn’t see it that way, however, and accuses the cops of cheating. We’re not shown his assault of the police, but the trial is set for next week.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

We’re quickly alerted to another sponsorship as we’re informed that AMERICAN AIRLINES has seats available on two planes. There is enough room on the first AMERICAN AIRLINES flight for seven of the teams. The other AMERICAN AIRLINES flight, leaving two hours later, can carry the other four teams. So check in at AMERICAN AIRLINES.

But what about the game, you ask? Do you really think it matters? This is great product placement here. We’re talking masters of an art form. This summary is brought to you by realitytvworld.com. Just saying. That’s realitytvworld.com. Further writings by this author can also be found at untruecrimes.com. That’s untruecrimes.com. Don’t forget to click the pop-up ads at realitytvworld.com. See how much better TAR is at product placement than we are? It really is an art form.

Okay, the damned game. All of the teams make the first plane except for the Lone Gunmen, the gutsy grannies (“I see dead people”), the mother and daughter, and the gay men from Miami who aren’t a couple. In a moment of foreshadowing, Hillary says to her mother, “Seven Teams in front of us. I don't want to start out this way. I don't want to start out behind and have to catch up. I want to already be in front.” For those of us who have taken the time to check out her profile on cbs.com, we already knows she wants to be in front. She models nude for art classes. Unfortunately for her and the rest of the losers, this plane leaves 2 hours and 15 minutes later than the first.

After the teams all load up on individually packaged peanuts and 7-Up, they arrive in Rio, where even though the game won’t get any more interesting, the scenery should be better. These hopes are quickly dashed, however, as we see that topless bathers didn’t get past the censors. The last time I saw this much skin being blurred out, it was on suspects’ faces on “COPS.” Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?

Our bad boys (and girls) get to go to the top of a mountain to visit the statue Christo Redentor (that spelling looks wrong to me, but that’s how they have it on SeeBS’s site). Highlights of the trip to the mountain and up the 7000 steps (overkill, btw… Hitchcock already showed us that thirteen are sufficient for real drama) include the grannies dying on the stairs and one of the two lone gunmen explaining in Spanish to a cab driver that they must get their quickly so he can convert from Judaism and join a jihad.

So… what happens once they get to the statue? It cries! A miracle! Wait. No. The miracle is that the grannies didn’t really die on the stairs. Yay! The “Diagnosis Murder” demographic won’t abandon the show yet! Wil accuses the statue of cheating and God strikes him dead with a lightning bolt. Okay, not really. A guy can dream, can’t he? What really happens at the statue is that the teams find another red and yellow clue.

Tangent: Bruckheimer (whinny!) could team with Nickelodeon to create a really great spin-off of this show for kids. Just replace the yellow and red markers with blue paw prints. Just saying.

Second Tangent: Am I the only one who enjoys saying Bruckheimer with a German accent and then making horse noises? I know it doesn’t really sound like Frau Blucher, but… I’m easily amused. Bruckheimer! Whinny.

All right, I’m back from giggling. Let’s see… yellow and red clue… got it. The teams next have to go find “Fat Maria” and kiss her. So the contestants all pile onto AMERICAN AIRLINES flights and head to New York to find diva Maria Callas at the Metropolitan Opera. No? Really? Damn, this show just makes no sense at all.

Apparently, Fat Maria is, in fact, a tree. Wil is confused however and kisses one of the grannies and then accuses her of cheating. Everyone else kisses the tree and gets their clues. Blue’s clues, Blue’s clues. We gotta find another paw print, that’s the second clue.

This clue tells the teams that they have to make a boat reservation with Ilha Tours, which is Spanish for AMERICAN AIRLINES. The teams each find their way onto fairies (Hi, Tinkerbell!) that fly across the water from island to island. Strangely, the fairies look a lot like boats. Most of the teams wind up on a fairy that leaves quickly, but the pastors have God on their side, so they board a fairy that leaves later but is much faster.

Most of the teams arrive at Ilha Tours at about the same time. Tara calls Wil away from the window to look at some nifty souvenirs, which causes Wil to accuse Blake of cheating. Blake’s not having any of it, so Wil accuses Tara of cheating and causing the separation in the first place. God strikes him dead with lightning. Or at least He should.

Finally, all the teams have their reservations on several boats leaving in 45-minute increments. And then the fun begins. Everyone has to decide what to do with their money. Should they sleep inside or get food? Everyone agrees with their respective teammates except for Mary and Peach. Mary wants food. Peach wants to sleep inside. At one point, Peach tells Mary, “I don’t even like you.” Mary, in the most literary moment we’ve seen in reality teevee history says, “Do I dare to eat a Peach?”

Morning comes and we get a rare moment of sexiness as Paige stretches on the beach and Blake watches his sister with great appreciation. The editors leave the pair before we can see them re-enact a Rob Lowe/Jodie Foster love scene. Which is good, frankly, because the more I think about it, one of the lone gunmen kind of reminds me of John Hinckley. Hmm.

Eventually, the teams all board their boats and head for Sugar Loaf Mountain (which I could have sworn was in Colorado). The skiing doesn’t look very good, so everyone will either have to rappel down the side of the mountain, or return down the mountain in the same gondola they rode up in. All but the grannies opt to rappel. The grannies, however, are the only team that recognizes the reference to “The Girl From Ipanema” and are just TOO excited at the thought of being able to meet such an icon of their younger days.

Tall and tan and young and leath’ry
The hag with melanoma has lesions.

The problem with meeting this icon, however, is that it will take much longer than rappelling down a mountain (unless, of course, you’re a mother and daughter team). Most of the teams rappel rather poorly, but somehow manage to make it down the mountain without dying. The grannies busily ooh and ah over the woman Astrud Gilberto made famous until they remember that they’re actually in a race. Skin Cancer Woman graciously gives them their clue.

As everyone gets their clues, they find that they have to find passage to a boat in the middle of the harbor flying a yellow and red Jolly Roger. (Really, wouldn’t the flag look so much cooler with a blue pawprint?) Various teams find various means of transportation across for varying amounts of money.

Wil and Tara reach the yacht first, wondering where everyone is. A guy in a green striped shirt named Steve informs them that they’re the first to arrive. Or at least that’s what should happen. Instead, some guy named Phil tells them. Wil accuses him of cheating.

Two by two, each other teams arrive, including (miraculously) the grannies in tenth place! That’s right, kids. The nude model and her mother have been eliminated already. The model reassures her mother repeatedly how proud she is of her and one begins to wonder what twelve-step program they’ve seen each other through.

And that’s pretty much it. I hope that future episodes will allow storylines to develop instead of seeming like hour-long MTV videos, because only Michael Jackson can really hope to get away with that (howdy, Jizzy and Kira).

Happy viewing, all. When next you read a summary, it will be by the eminently talented Landrujam. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m in desperate need of an American Spirit Light.