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Episode 5 Summary - By jodie
The show starts with the usual flashes of temptation-full bodies and so on, flashes of last week: "30 minutes after girls' bonfire" - Mandy calling Billy a whore, her running off, crying, "God I hate this!" Seems she forgot she had little clips of Johnny rubbing a strawberry on his nipple to do some body shots. And Billy's the whore? Can't take what she can give, I think. The girls also saw Kaya whooping it up on tape with the other guys about Billy going to the Rodeo!! (re:Vanessa the cowgirl) And Valerie? She's unhappy with Kaya's "sex advice." She ain't seen nothing yet.
More flashbacks about the stuff they did in their late-night activities. Tell me, what did they think all the cameras around them were for as they were frolicking about in the hot tub and stuff? Did they think that wasn't just the thing that would keep us loathsome viewers tuned in? That if it was on tape, their little indecencies would be the first thing to be aired? Duh.
Shannon seems like the only smart one of the bunch, saying, "I cautioned against it… because what you learn out of context…will only destroy you…." Then again, was Shannon thinking she'd not see it all later, and no one she knows would tell her? Would not be dying to tell her?
Well, I digress. Maybe if they were dumb enough to go on a show like that (were they paid to?) they're dumb enough for anything.
Next "Moments after guys' bonfire" - Kaya grouses about the 'Mr. Massage-rub-a-dub-dub-therapy guy" must not being the only guy to do a little show of exposure blah-blah-blah which they saw on the tape of the parade the male singles put on for three women to show their best attributes. To make themselves feel better they go sit at the bar and flirt with Megan, the girl who's going to get the biggest stomping on this show of all the singles. Andy comments, "Everything happens for a reason."
Day 9 The girls are called the next morning by Mark to be told the male singles are going to come to them, one-by-one, and tell them which woman they like best. The girls comment, "this is weird!". Hello, this show is weird.
We are led to believe at first poor Shannon is going to be lacking in suitors. Johnny goes first, and well, geez, after doing body shots with Mandy, whom does he pick? Uhhh….Mandy! Big surprise. The Sean picks Mandy. Mandy is quite gleeful at this point. Dammit, they're all gonna pick her! Jon goes next, picks Valerie, as she's "got a hard exterior, but soft inside." Was that a compliment? Then Jim picks Valerie, too. Shannon is looking downcast. But then it seems everyone else picks Shannon…or at least what we're shown. When Tom sits, the ladies' dream boy Ivy League grad, Mandy says, "This is so uncomfortable." Not like, of course, when Mandy was on camera with Johnny as he licked little circles around her belly button. Tom chooses Shannon. Poor Mandy. She seems somewhat devastated to discover she's not the hot stuff she thought she was after all. They kick rub-a-dub-dub massage therapist Sean off, because according to Valerie, his arrogance is a turn-off. So much for all the concern Billy, Kaya and Andy had over him.
Then Marky Mark goes to the guys and goes through the same routine. Elisabeth chooses Billy, because he "gives the best amateur striptease I've ever seen in my life" - I guess Mandy's opinion of her boyfriend's dance wasn't unanimous. Then Lisa: "My favrit one y'all right now is Billay". Billy crows, the other two insincerely laugh. Then the detestable Megan: "I adore you all but Andy, we got off to a rocky start, but I appreciate the heart you've showed…it's cool" or something, she mumbled there. Andy says foolishly, "Thanks, Meg." Billy pipes up here: "For clarification purposes, who got that vote?" chuckle chuckle. Kaya assures Andy it was a compliment. Let the poor loser have it, Billy!
Vanessa chooses Billy, of course. LaWonna, and Alison like Kaya. Putrid Patti, Venus, Britt and Carla like Billy. Andy is looking very dejected, although he tries to laugh it off. But he is more upset than an acne-ridden puberty-passing high school boy who couldn't get a date for the dance. After Megan's antics with Kaya, it seems like a "pity choice" for Andy. Revenge for the "pity date?"
Andy wants to send em all home, the poor bastard. Carla tries to save herself by calling out she meant to vote for him. The boys send Patti off. Kaya: "She made an effort." Billy: "She used strong-arm tactics" (cut to scene of her trying to molest Billy as he ignores her) "such as `You're taking me out tonight, RIGHT?'" Poor defenseless Billy. He even looks scared and can't look as she passes behind him to get on the boat. He "clarifies": "We're gonna get it down to the three most crazy and adventurous ones and see what they do to us." What? Isn't he afraid he'll wind up on the next episode of 'When Temptresses Attack"? The boys chortle over Patti's misfortune.
After kicking Patti off, they go to the bar, and Andy is still pouting. Carla sucks up to him to try and get a last chance at the big hot date the boys will choose next. Andy's not impressed: "IT WAS NOT WHO YOU WANT, IT'S WHO WAS YOUR FAVORITE." Ohhhhh, now we get it. Carla coaxes a smile out of him by saying, "Oh I was thinking, why did I pick him, Andy was my favorite." Andy's such a dope. Boy is he sensitive. It appears he's completely forgotten his "girlfriend" of five years is a little ways across the island.
Later on at 8:30 Time to pick the fourth date. Mark interrupts the attached boys at their resort to inform them the women have voted to withdraw the blocks and they must draw straws to see who gets to pick first. They can choose someone they've already dated. Blahblah, and keep in mind you can only pick the last BIG date out of someone you've already dated. Andy wittily remarks, "It's recycling." Shannon has spent five years with this numb nuts?
Idiot Andy gets to go first. He COULD have chosen the one he and Kaya both like - Megan, but he picks "a new flavor," Elisabeth the Buffy look-alike. Elisabeth likes Billy, remember? Andy is such an idiot! Billy's next and chooses, who else, Vanessa. Kaya has the shortest peni-…straw, so he goes last. He "went for it" and picked Megan. Andy looks at him in a jealous pique. Why didn't you take your chance while you had it, ANDY?
Marky goes to the women's resort and catches them getting down and dirty with the guys, warpaint included. Did they think they were at a tribal council? Mandy's shrieking her favorite line, "OHMYGOD!! HEEHEEHEE." Mark interrupts and tells them the same as he told their mates. (Just a little note here: Did anyone else notice how ridiculous Mark looks in those shoes?)
The camera flashes to each of the three women saying how wonderful Tom is. They all want him. He's ideal. Is there gonna be a catfight? Mandy gets to go first, and she looks uneasily at Shannon, who gives her a menacing smile. Wisely, Mandy chooses Matt to avoid scratches to her pretty face. Valerie is second, she chooses Evan. Marky Mark remarks, "Evan's such a sweet guy!" Shannon is last. "What do you wanna do, Shannon?" Mark asks. Off-camera, Mandy adds: "Who're you gonna do….Tom!" Shannon picks Tom. Valerie comments later that she, the martyr that she is, gave Tom to Shannon. How selfless.
Next morning (Day 10) We open with Andy bounding into Elisabeth's cabana in his sexiest outfit: a diving tank and a nifty Speedo. (Shannon has been with him for 5 years??) He asks her out for that night by jumping on her prone body. Everyone laughs. The rest of the couples ask out their picks; Vanessa is ecstatic in her babydoll nightie to be asked out by Billy. Vanessa is just so cute. Like she could never hurt a living thing.
We start with Billy and Vanessa's date. She gives him a heart necklace. What a sweetie. They hike up to the Xunantunich Mayan Ruins. Vanessa gushes: "He's a true love! That's what I want in a guy." Next they go to a butterfly farm. Sweet Vanessa gazes at the startling beauty of the butterflies, perhaps marveling in their untouched beauty. She's just so lovely…what the hell is she doing! She's got a butterfly clenched between her thumb and index finger, brushing it against her throat ("Oh mah god!") as it flutters frantically to get away! Doesn't the bitch know that she is torturing the thing? That as she exults with each brush its losing its tiny feathers? Then she further tortures it by brushing it against Billy, who acts like he's on the receiving end of oral foreplay. They make me sick. Billy says Vanessa's willing to do whatever he wants. Of course she will, if she's heartless enough to torture butterflies.
Mandy goes scuba diving with Matt, and treats us to more samples of her endless repertoire of squeaks and squeals. They swim with harmless sharks and Matt pretend-bites her leg. Mandy says later she felt bad coming back and figures it's over with Billy and needs someone to agree with that or something. Why Mandy? So you could 'do' Matt without guilt?
Valerie and Evan hike to the Altun Ha Mayan Ruins. Valerie: "Evan's a pretty laid-back guy, and that's one reason that I chose him….but it got to the point where I didn't want to be here anymore…I can't fake it…just feel I wanna be doing these things with Kaya." Kaya, as we know, hasn't committed any shenanigans like Billy and Andy, so surely he feels the same way about Valerie.
Speaking of which, Kaya and his date, good schoolteacher Megan, are also scuba diving. Kaya sees a stingray: "It's just like an underwater bird. Flapping its wings!" They hold hands while swimming; Kaya: "It gave an interesting sense of intimacy." Yawn. Later, they sit on the dock cuddling and greasy-faced Kaya says things were progressing one step at a time until they said, "Just screw it!" And they screw it by swapping spit.
Andy and Elisabeth hike through the jungle and look at lazy animals. Elisabeth seems to have changed her favorite vote to Andy, telling us how Andy can move his business, shoot Shannon, and live happily ever after. They snuggle all the way home. However, Andy later tells us she is not someone he wants to go out with on his last date. (Megan? Surely she is pining away as Andy has fun with Elisabeth).
Shannon and Tom have a boringly good time in San Pedro Town. Andy says generously in an interview: "At the end of the day, lets say she is into this guy Tom, if she truly believe this guy's gonna make her happier than I can…as hard as it'd be…I get choked up even thinking about it…just to know she's gonna be happy is my ultimate priority." Whatta guy.
Flash to Valerie: "There must be something coming out of Kaya to show he's committed to me." Poor Valerie.
Kaya comments he knows he and Megan are stepping on some people's toes by what's happening on their date. Later they let go of hands as they arrive home, warily searching the shadows for Saint Valerie and Jealous Andy. Kaya scurries home and Megan seeks Andy out and confesses. Andy, as expected, is distraught. He says they talked for a good half hour, a real heart-to-heart, and then "she absolutely just lost it". Must've happened off-camera, because all we see is her saying, "I can't help it!" and "I'm sorry!" not in an overly dramatic way. However, in a clip of her she starts crying about how hard it all is. I'm missing something. Andy has a long-term girlfriend, he and Megan have known each other 10 days, and they're having a lover's quarrel?
Then Andy bursts in the boys cabana and does an encore of his morning performance by leaping on the bed with Kaya: "Oh my god, you should have come and told me!" and "I look like a jackass and Megan looks like a whore!" This after his nice talk with Megan? Is he 14? Kaya makes his first smart comment: "First of all, we both have girlfriends, it's not like I'm taking away your girlfriend!" And Kaya had to be true to himself first. Naturally.
Bit later Marky Mark interrupts the three girls and their boys and tell the women they will have to choose their "Big, spectacular" dates in the morning and send the rest of the boys home. They are devastated they are losing their cabana boys so soon. Mandy gapes in disbelief. Shannon didn't expect them to drop "so rapidly".
Mark goes and tells the boys and their ladies the same thing. Kaya just doesn't know what to do. He's torn between Megan, the schoolteacher whore, and Alison, who might be jealous if he doesn't pick her. Megan acknowledges that she maybe was going on the last date with Andy, but it is awkward because of Kaya. Seems only Billy is able to keep his nose clean, but is still confused about Vanessa. Andy is frustrated over the whole thing.
Everyone lives it up their last night all together. Mandy gets down and funky with Jon and Evan. She's starting to show interest in Jon, as she's "gotten to know him". NOW?? Matt does this stupid, idiotic imitation of a bull as Mandy waves some red material out. I honestly hope that's the tequila talking. We see Valerie for the first time loosen up and grind out some moves. Shannon dances too, and comments she's "uneasy" about her "dream date."
Cut to Billy and Kaya walking on the beach and discussing their dilemmas. Billy still doesn't know what to do about Vanessa. He also worries about Mandy hooking up with some guy. He also feels guilty. If only they knew what their partners are doing right then.
Day 11 It is the important day of reckoning (not if the couples stay together, but the sending home of the rejects, of course!). Kaya goes first in picking his final date, presumably because he went last in choosing two nights ago. Alison, LaWonna and the indefatigable Megan step forward. He chooses Alison, much to Andy's glee and Megan's smiley dismay. Alison has "everything he wants" and "I even thought about her during the other dates." Ouch.
Andy's turn. Carla, Elisabeth, Venus and MMMegan step forward. Andy sizes them up like cattle, knowing it's his chance for vengefulness. Still Megan looks hopeful. He chooses Elisabeth, who is surprised to be picked. Andy comments that 'Meg' touched him on an emotional level, and Elisabeth touched him on a physical level. Guess that didn't make it on TV. Megan smiles bravely.
Billy. Lisa, Vanessa and once again, Megan step forward. He chooses, yes you got it, Vanessa, yet again. By the look on Megan's face, it is possible she was hoping Kaya and Andy simply didn't choose her so Billy could have her. Megan later cries on camera. BURNED!! She and the rest of the girls are sent packing.
On to the women's resort. Mandy apparently asked Mark at some point if they could ask anyone for the date, since they all pretty much dated each other's dates on the triple date. Everyone's all for it. Shannon gets to go first, and we hear a repeat voiceover of Andy's comment how he gets choked up just thinking about it, her happiness is his ultimate priority, blahblahblah…and this week's episode ends dramatically here, with the promise of more of the three As next week: angst, agony and anxiety.
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