Previously on TIT:

The producers suffer brain damage and inexplicably cast two Tonys, a Kristen and a Kristin, and three (count 'em, three!) Tommys...

Queen Genevieve discovers that (despite her victory in a 1999 Hawaiian Tropic Bikini Contest held in a trailer park) she really can't do better than Weak Tony and proposes to him...

Mark and Kelley join the cast, having flown down to the aptly-named Playa Tambor resort on Mark's oversized ego, which makes a 747 look puny...

And so, once again we turn to the only democracy in Central America, Costa Rica (which may consider switching to a dictatorship after seeing the excesses of this show), for ...

TEMPTATION ISLAND TWO, Episode 7 ...

and the ratings continue to flat-line. Don't get your hopes up for Temptation Island Three (if it happens, will it be abbreviated as TIT-EE?).

As we join the amoral mob, we find ourselves at the start of the fourth date (partners were selected at the end of E6). Let's focus by couple...

Catherine and Edmundo

Wow, we really saw the Ice Princess melt for Rossi's bogus "butterfly" pickup line last time (you can tell this girl hasn't had a lot of experience, no matter what she says, from the way she responded to it; gee, 42,000 colors, neon pink, and 87 wings -- but he only wants me to spread two of them?). However, she has picked Gay Porn Star Tony for this date, to Rossi's chagrin. Rossi tells her to stop playing games -- unless, of course, she's playing HIS game, which involves a couple of tubes of lubricant...

Edmundo is also sorry that he didn't pick Hilary for this date, perhaps because he's not sure how easy Linda is, but he's determined to find out. Linda is a product development manager; I guess Eddie wants to see whether she'll help in the further "development" of his "product." Meanwhile, a distraught Hilary is learning the consequences of forgetting the advice that all young women are given, "Who wants the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Oh, and Hilary, in case you didn't know, that bitter white stuff oozing out of Edmundo's thingy may have been thick and creamy, but it wasn't milk.

Catherine and GPS Tony go sailing. Tony says that he doesn't know what to do with her, proving that he belongs in the gay cinema. Catherine says she now knows what she wants (probably someone who doesn't make a big deal out of using the pink towel).

Eddie-Mundo and Linda go snorkeling. Linda, who sounds like a telephone sex solicitor and comes across as more manly than GPS Tony, mocks Hilary for being so easy and so needy. Eddie shows that he's as easy to play as his g/f, as he becomes turned on by Linda's hard-to-get act. Of course, in Eddie's mind a hard-to-get woman is one who doesn't go down on you until the SECOND date.

Shannon and John

Shannon chose kickboxer Ruben, and they first go off in all-terrain vehicles then end up at a wine tasting. Shannon says they connect on an emotional level. Yeah, she's looking for a rich man to take care of her, and he's looking for a rich woman to take care of him. Deep.

John and Nayla, the teacher, go on their second date. Hey, I've heard all the jokes about Nayla's obvious lack of natural chest endowment or implants, but she comes across as the one single female who least belongs at Whore Camp, and John (despite his incredible absence of rhythm) is the one guy who most deserves something other than his golddigger g/f. Nayla says that the other girls are rooting for her. Damn straight, and they aren't the only ones rooting for her and John. The two of them kayak out to an isolated island and ... apparently just talk. How normal. Dull, but normal. After Edmundo, it's even a little refreshing.

Mark and Kelley

Mark, who is convinced that he has landed in Poontang Plaza, takes tall Donna on a horseback ride. Mark says that he needs a g/f who "turns heads with her sex appeal." The question of why someone like that would hook up with an egomaniac like himself has clearly eluded him.

Kelley and New Age Tommy have an afternoon tea, at which New Age Tommy tells her that she is in an "unhealthy relationship." Uh, Tommy, I hate to puncture your pyramid, but ANYONE in a relationship of any form who would go on this show is in an unhealthy relationship. Even Queen Genevieve figured that out, though it took her a little while.

Silent Tommy and Nikkole

Silent Tommy (geez, Frank in The Amazing Race treated his ex-wife Margarita better than this, and we all ragged on him for being so nasty!) and his date du jour, the buxom Tiffani, go to a monkey sanctuary. Real thrilling date. Tiffani runs down Nikkole as "frumpy" and needing "to work out and maybe <get> a tan." Wow. Tiffani claims to be a teacher. I sleep better at night knowing that the youth of America is learning about what's important from her; don't you?

Nikkole goes deep-sea fishing with FDNY Tommy, who seems like he joined this show because he's too shy (or too overburdened, considering the horrid working hours of firemen) to meet women in everyday settings. She says she never met anyone who moved so slow. By comparison with Silent Tommy, though, FDNY Tommy has a real job and a real future ... and, from the way Nikkole acts, it appears FDNY Tommy may have hooked a big one on this fishing trip.

Nightfall

I'd ignore the silliness of the drinking scenes, except for the subsequent night stroll with Nikkole and FDNY Tommy. Nikkole has gone incoherent with desire for him, and the scene ends in a hazy fog that we're told is him kissing her on the beach in the shadows ... which might have been a pretty sensual moment if we'd only been able to see it.

Yep, we aren't heading for a replay of TI1, when all of the couples chose to stay together -- it looks like Nikkole is FDNY Tommy's if he wants her.

Day 13 -- Morning

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Back comes "Wannabe Marky Mark" Walberg (ewwww) for the big vote-off. Half of the singles will get the ax, as each of the couple members picks one single person to stay, plus a "wildcard" single person will be chosen. Yeah, we saw this all last time, didn't we? Oh, and single male Jeff had to leave the show for a "family emergency." Sure. Probably had something to do with the family jewels being found somewhere that they weren't supposed to be.

The coupled women get to start. They show that they're looking for a connection by sticking with their pairings over the last two days: Nikkole chooses FDNY Tommy; Catherine picks Rossi, who is overjoyed at getting another chance to use his pickup lines on a gullible audience; Kelley picks New Age Tommy. The only exception is Shannon, who picks "world champion windsurfer" Kevin. Uh, Shannon, hate to burst your bubble, but windsurfers, even "world champion" ones, don't make much more money than kickboxers. She says she likes the fact that Kevin has experienced different things than she has. What, you mean he was actually self-supporting once upon a time?

For the "wild card", Kelley gets to choose because of her short-timer status, and she chooses street basketball player Ali, whom she says makes her laugh. I can see it. With Big Ego Mark as your b/f, some laughter could come in handy.

Next come the coupled men. Silent Tommy picks nurse Kristen, with whom he already got to first base. Guess he's going to try to steal home in his next at-bat. Edmundo gets a voice-over before he picks and tells us that he thought the show would be all about him (huh?). Then he picks ... yep, he picks Lyndon ... uh, Linda ... proving to Hilary that her Santa Claus act ("Ho! Ho! Ho!") may get lots of first dates but not much else. Edmundo says that he didn't know he was going to have to worry about other people's feelings. In Edmundo's parallel universe, apparently a good way to bed women is to ignore their feelings.

Mark picks the "closet designer" (and wannabe Vegas crack whore) Amanda. And John picks ... well, he's the normal one, right?, so he picks Nayla after saying that "everyone knows how this is going to go." Shannon SHOULD be getting seriously worried by now, but she's too preoccupied with her own search for a sugar daddy ... and too confident that she dealt with any threat to her position when she voted off Anna Maria ... to notice (yet).

Consistently, the "wild card" men's pick goes to Mark, who selects student/waitress/bimbo Katie on the grounds that she is "brutally honest." Guess he's looking for a little brutality in his next date.

Everyone else gets booted. Goodbye to Gay Porn Star Tony, Ruben, Kaine, Donna, Tiffani, Meredith, and of course poor neglected Hilary. Hilary gets a closing comment, saying that she is "shocked at <Edmundo's> behavior." I guess she believed him when he said that he'd still respect her in the morning. Edmundo says she "played her cards wrong." Yeah, she gave up her hole card too easily. Hilary, you are forgiven for your sins; now go and whore no more.

Afternoon/Evening, plus Day 14

Wannabe Marky Mark then puts both groups together for a "tug of war." The winning group gets to go to a five-star resort/spa -- the losers go camping in the forest. Best two of three: first everyone, then the men, then the women. The coupled men/single women handily win the first round. However, the single men then easily beat their coupled counterparts, setting up a match between the women ... and dialogue that needs no commentary from me:

Catherine: "Do you pull on 'heave' or 'ho'?"
Kelley: "'Ho.' Definitely 'ho.'"

In this match, "brutally honest" Katie immediately assumes the position that Mark has envisioned for her -- kneeling on the ground, face down. Unfortunately, she forgot what she was supposed to be tugging on while in that position ... and, following her lead, the single women get clobbered. The coupled women end up winning the trip to the resort/spa for their group. John says that it's OK; he's been pitching a tent for the last two weeks. Oops. Dull Shannon finally gets it and stares daggers at him.

The spa is luxurious but boring, as everyone gets massaged and pampered. The camping trip is also boring, as everyone whines about what they're missing. Linda thinks she's becoming interested in Edmundo. Uh, Linda, anyone home? Do you remember a cute little thing called Hilary?

In the morning, the resort crew goes sailing on a catamaran. Yawn. Rossi thinks he's got the inside track to Catherine's mind ... and to other parts of her anatomy located somewhat lower. The camping crew goes whitewater rafting, which looked like a lot more fun from here.

The Twist

Jiffy Probe tells the remaining Samburu and Boran tribes that they should have expected the unexpected ... oops, sorry, wrong show ... Wannabe Marky Mark tells the remaining couples and singles that they should have expected the unexpected. Just then, Famine, War, Pestilence and Death come riding on horseback toward them. No, wait, it's a new crop of replacement singles! Included among them are the first two singles booted -- Brian (of the size-14 shoe and cleft chin) and model/"mortgage broker" Caneel, who is so attractive that I actually believe her claim that a man hits on her at least once a day. This babe has broken a lot more than just mortgages.

Catherine gushes over Brian, which stuns Rossi, and she argues with Shannon over who will get to date him first. John says hi to Caneel and gets glared at by Shannon again.

Will Rossi's tired pickup line work on a Catherine swept away by Brian-lust (and ladies, just to let you know, I wear a size-13 shoe...)? Will John jeopardize his stable relationship with Nayla for the new blonde bombshell? Will Shannon ever find a sugar daddy? Will Linda join the ranks of her departed predecessors Tiffani and Hilary by whoring herself with Edmundo? Tune in next time ...

...wait a minute, next time isn't until THREE WEEKS from now? WTF? Why? Does perversion not play very well during the holiday season? Is there a shortage of STD vaccine? Oh well, we'll see you all again on January 17.