Previously on Survivor…
--Roger explained to Christy why voting Gene out behind her back, yet with the full cooperation of Heidi, is good for her.
--Shawna, pulling out of her Coke-withdrawal death spiral, ran around Jabbadabbadoo like a toy poodle on crack once the boys arrived.
--Christy, inspired by her new place as low-woman on the totem pole, kicked Jenna’s ass at the Reward Challenge, and got an “I’m a Tommyboy Provider” bumper sticker from Principal Lockley.
--Rob and Deena formed the Jabbadabbadoo “Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me, Guess I’ll Go ‘Carrie’ on Their Asses” Club.
--At the Immunity Challenge, Rob, mistaking Jenna for the hanging slab of meat, accidentally bites her, paving the way for a Tommyboy win.
--At Tribal Council, Shawna’s “Everybody Vote for Me” strategy worked…much to her chagrin.

10 are left, who will be disgraced tonight?

Jabbadabbadoo, Night 18
Having just voted Shawna out because she was hogging all the men not named Rob, the Jabbas are suddenly sad.

Deena (confessional): I miss the way Shawna used to pant when Alex would walk within 50 yards of her. I miss how she used to whine about how she wanted to die. But mostly I just miss that Sideshow Bob hairdo.

Alex, who was about 5 minutes away from getting a quality handjob from Shawna, is the most upset by the recent turn of events.

Rob (confessional): Story of my life, Alex. Now get your head out of your ass and help me win, dammit.

Sensing an opportunity to catch the tribe in an insecure moment, Rob hatches a plan…

Rob: Hey guys, when we merge, I’m going to act like Roger’s manslave to lull him into a false sense of security. I’ll let him degrade and belittle me in public. I’ll encourage him to call me Weenieboy and dunk my head in the latrine. Then, we’ll vote out Dave, and I’ll be his new cabin boy. Boy, I sure hope he treats me rough. Oops, damned Out Loud Voice again…

Rob (confessional): I need to help these knuckleheads understand that the only way I can win is if they follow my plan to the letter. And once Dave the Wonderboy is voted out, I can make Roger my bitch.

Jabbadabbadoo, Day 19
Rob continues his parade of bad impersonations; this time it’s the AOL guy... “You’ve got TREE mail”. Whoo, that never fails to make me laugh. Sublime comedian, that Rob. Turns out that today’s the day they finally get to open the Lockbox (while somewhere in Tennessee, a stuttering, stammering, disheveled shell of what used to be Al Gore mutters to himself.)

Over at Tommyboy, Butch is ecstatic to finally be learning the contents of the mysterious box. He hasn’t been this excited since chicken tenders were added to the lunch rotation at his school.

Inside the box is a little scrap of rolled up paper. That’s it? Big freakin’ deal. But wait, there’s more. There’s writing on the scrap of paper…

You started out as men and women,
We’ll let you decide who was who,
Now you’ve lasted 19 days,
Whoopdee freakin’ doo

Paddle yer ass to your new spot,
Leave this place far behind,
If you think you get to take things with ya,
You’re out of your f***ing mind.

Well that was certainly worth the build up. They will be living as one. I’m shocked. No, really.

Rob bitches about having to build another shelter. Sheeyeah, cuz he was SOOO helpful in building the last one. Mostly he’s pissed because there will be more men in camp who will have to either contract malaria or be swallowed by an anaconda before he’ll get any play from Jenna or Heidi.

The Jabbas reaffirm their vows to wax Dave, Roger and Butch…in that order. (Which means what, boys and girls? Anyone, anyone? It means that at least one of them is sure to make the Final Four.)

Back at Tommyboy, Butch waxes nostalgic in bidding farewell to his camp.

Butch: I loved this place. Sure the shelter was a bit cramped, and there were nights when Roger mistook me for his wife, but dang it there was love here. I can’t wait until Dave and Heidi finish the yearbook.

Maudlin music plays as Dave, clearly going for the Emmy, takes one last look at their camp.

The tribes arrive simultaneously at Jiffy’s Sandbar and Grill, where he tells them that they will be merging (somewhere in New York, Shii Ann swings from a shower rod), and fills them in on all the stuff we already know about merges. Individual rewards, brak, brak, brak, individual immunity, brak, brak, brak, build a new camp, brak, brak, brak, new tribe name, brak, brak, brak.

Jiffy: Remove your buffs and drop ‘em.

Jenna: **starts undoing her bra**

Jiffy: I said “remove your buffs”, not “go buff”.

Jenna: Yeah, I heard ya.

Jiffy then provides the group with new red buffs and tells them to shove off and find their new camp. Jenna and Heidi immediately wash their new buffs.

Christy (confessional): Yay! I made the merge! That was my #1 goal! (Christy wins the Jan Gentry “Aim High” Award)

Dave (confessional): Merge, huh? Pretty cool. I’ll have to work a little of the old rocket scientist charm on the new ladies.

When the group arrives at the new camp, they see a feast all laid out for them and act completely surprised (Have none of these people ever seen this show before? When have they NOT provided a merger feast?). So the gang feasted on hot dogs and cookies and salsa and chicken and BEER. CBS has yet again proved that it is a first class network by providing Coors Light (“Helping frat boys get laid since your dad was in college”).

Dave (confessional): It’s a new game. Everyone is just so happy to be here. No one is thinking about who’s going next. (Clues! Get your clues! $10 a dozen!)

Deena comes up with a new tribe name – “Jackée”, which is Portuguese for “blithering idiot interloper”.

Just as everyone was getting along and having fun, Roger had to remind them that he is, by far, the biggest a-hole this show has yet produced (and yes, I’m looking at you BB). Sergeant Buzzkill needs his shelter built by dusk, cuz he has to get to the Early Bird Special at The Croc Shack by 5:30.

Roger: Hey! Let’s get to work. I want to have a 2-story, 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom Colonial by sundown. Dave, Alex, and Matt? Put down the beer and go chop those trees down over there.

Deena: How can we help?

Roger: Well, you can stop talking for starters. Why don’t you ladies go collect some nice palm fronds?

Christy: But we want to pitch in with the building.

Roger: Once we have the kitchen built, you’ll have plenty to “pitch in” with, but you’ll need to lose the shoes and it wouldn’t hurt if you were pregnant. Speaking of which, where’s Jenna?

Deena: She’s washing her buff again.

Rob: Hey Roger? What about me?

Roger: Did someone say something? Oh, Rob. Ummm, why don’t you go with the ladies and show them how to be subserv…I mean how to prepare the palm fronds. And don’t forget to use the Safety Machete that Butch rigged up for you.

Rob (walking away, muttering): Stupid Roger. Always makes me do the “girl work”. I don’t have to take his crap. I’m a 12th level Dungeon Master back home who kicks ass at Karaoke…or at least that’s what Mom says. I’ll show him…

(Production note: Really unfortunate choice of cameras during Rob’s confessionals. Unless his nose really is that big. I swear I could see his adolescent brain. Makes that guy from “The Pianist” look normal by comparison. I’m not really sure what Rob said here, as all I kept thinking was “MY GOD, IT’S FULL OF STARS”)

Roger surveys the scene and, satisfied with the division of labor, begins stroking his beard (because stroking his hoo-hoo would just be too obvious).

My God! Rob’s fighting a toucan! No, wait, that’s just 2 toucans fighting. Whew.

So the girls and Toucan Rob get frond duty and have a change of heart.

Deena: We have to vote the strongest out first.

Heidi: Please let’s vote Roger out first. If he’s on the jury he’ll never vote for a woman. He’s still pissed about that whole “Eve-Snake-Garden of Eden” thing.

Deena (confessional): Heidi was right. I guess even a broken clock is right twice-a-day. Roger would never vote for a woman, even one who looks an awful lot like a man, like me. He thinks that just because we have estrogen and breasts…well estrogen anyway…that we’re somehow inferior. Screw him. (Say it with me kids…eww.)

Meanwhile, back in Myopia…

Dave (confessional): I’m voting for Christy because that’s what ALL the men are doing. I mean, why wouldn’t ALL the men want to stick together. Yep, the women here won’t be around very much longer. If I were Christy, I’d be pretty nervous right now.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Roger: I can’t believe this is all falling into place so nicely. It’s just like we planned it in my head. I don’t want to get too cocky though. Still…the women are so toast.

Alex & Matt (confessional): Roger doesn’t know shit about shit. We’re voting his butt off, if he doesn’t win immunity, and when he’s gone…watch out! (Hey guys? Ever occur to you that your names don’t figure too highly on the Deena & Rob Chart of Life? Just wondering.)

Matt and Christy work on the Jackée flag, which looks a whole lot like Godzilla fighting a rocket ship in space, while a helpless Earth looks on. (Are we sure there wasn’t peyote in one of those baskets?)

Jackée, Night 19
Apparently Whodini was right. The freaks really do come out at night. Roger, passed out from the weight of his own hubris, snores like Ernest Borgnine after hitting the All You Can Eat buffet, while the rest of them play the ever-original “Where’s the Weirdest Place You’ve Had Sex” game. Still, the girls are not drinking enough for Rob’s liking. (Note to Rob: Talking about how you need to get women drunk to score? Not so much witty, as creepy. Just saying.)

Christy starts us off with tales of lust on the Mall in DC on the 4th of July. Damn it, Christy! That was supposed to our secret. Oh well. Still…fireworks, eh.

Dave gives us a “ripped from the Penthouse Forum headlines” story involving 2 girls and some ice. Whatever.

Rob (confessional): I hate Dave and his All-American charm. Doesn’t he get that I’m supposed to be the charming one? He may be good looking, hairless, and have proportional facial features, but I’ve got self-deprecating humor, and that’s surely good enough for a mercy fvck at some point.

Rob, clearly buzzed, tries to hem and haw his way through some wack story involving someone from Canada, who none of them know, so don’t ask her name.

Heidi announces that women are really a whole lot easier than they look, and that by and large you can pretty much just proposition them for sex with a better than 50% return rate…Isn’t that right Jenna? Jenna felt that 50% was too low, since she can’t remember saying no since…well, ever. They then launch into 3-some scenarios that force Rob to excuse himself so he could fantasize about endgame action that would make Brian Heidik blush. (Again…eww.)

Jackée, Day 20
Roger, never one to let an opportunity to be a complete dick pass him by, is up at the crack of dawn, hammering away at something amongst the rubble of what must be 30 empties.

Everyone wakes up, each of them wondering how last night ended and what the hell that nasty smell is, and focuses white-hot rage at Roger.

Deena & Rob convene the next meeting of the “Carrie” club, and pick up right where they left off; namely that pretty people suck, and the ugly shall inherit the Earth (or at least MB’s half).

Deena: The men have no idea what’s in store for them. Muwahahahaha!

Rob: Take me with you.

Deena: Top 3. You, me, and Jenna.

Rob (remembering last night's Final 3 Fantasy): **shudder**

Back at the river, Matt-eo is busy pulling fish out of the water fast enough to get PETA on the phone to CBS. Matt-eo really, really wants to be liked, and I suggest that they comply. This is not a man you want to cross. I’ve seen that look on his face. This is a man who has people buried in his yard. Bank on it.

Deena & Jenna stand on the shore and count their shortcomings.

Jenna: I may never win individual immunity.

Deena: Yeah, me either.

Jenna: I’m SO gonna have to get naked…a lot.

Deena (giving herself a once over): I may have to think of something else.

Deena (confessional): Those damn men and their damn penises. We’re gonna play them hard, and make them sweat. (One more time…eww.) Now Eve had it goin’ on. She knew the score. All she needed was a little help from a snake.

Rob: Someone call me?

Immunity Challenge
The Amazon goes Old Skool, back to the S2 days and the good old fashioned “Stand on a Perch” challenge. Rules are very simple: Don’t fall off. Last one standing gets the fashionable feather necklace.

Roger, about to fall in before the game even started, regains his balance…sort of.

Jiffy reminds them that there will be temptations along the way.

Jenna (nearly cutting Jeff off mid-sentence): I’ll take my clothes off for some chocolate and peanut butter. (Nice to know that all it takes is a Reese’s cup to get an eyeful, Jenna. I bet your mama’s so proud.)

Heidi: I’ll do it too.

Jiffy (returning with the PB & C): Ummm, girls you don’t have to strip to get the prize…

Rob: Shut up Probst.

Jiffy: Right. My bad.

Jenna: Heidi? You wanna?

Heidi: You kidding? I’ve been waiting 20 days to flash someone.

The girls go from 0 to naked in about 1.5 seconds. The men are now shown from the waist up, or from a great distance, from here on out.

Butch: I’m not looking. I’m not looking.

Dave: I’m looking.

Alex: Butch is an idiot.

Matt-eo: **Maniacal grin**

The girls, having shown America their blurry spots, jump in the water, swim to the boat, and dig into their “hard earned” plate of cookies and PB.

5 minutes later, Roger announces that he’s done. Thankfully, he remains clothed. He jumps in, and everyone flashes the “thumbs up” sign. Way to be subtle, guys. Fortunately for them, Roger can’t see past his own ego to acknowledge that anyone might have plans that don’t involve him.

At 1 hour, Jiffy offers pizza. Butch, Alex, and Rob jump.

At 2 hours, he offers spicy chicken wings (spicy chicken wings? WTF? What is he, Dominos?). Matt-eo and Dave exit.

This leaves Christy and Deena.

At 2 hours 30, he offers spaghetti. Christy and Deena agree to share the food and play Rock, Paper, Scissors to determine the winner. Deena goes rock. Christy goes scissors and still has to ask if she lost. Hmmm, might want to know the rules before you play. Just a suggestion. So Deena gets immunity AND some pasta. Not a bad bit of lawyering.

Jackée, Day 21
Back at camp, everyone hates Roger. Roger, Roger, Roger. Yet Roger still thinks that Christy is going home, as does Dave. It’s official. Roger and Dave are idiots.

Heidi and Jenna claim to be the original Survivor Girls Gone Wild. Look for the video this Summer, but avoid the Mad Dog and MamaPat sections at all costs.

Tribal Council
Jiffy: So, how were the first few days? Did you come together in building the shelter?

Butch: We sure as shootin’ did, Jeff. We’re one big happy family!

Jiffy: So did some leaders emerge?

Rob: Roger did.

Jiffy: And did you like being told what to do?

Rob: Yes, I love being dominated.

Deena: Some of us did more important things…like bonding.

Rob: I love bondage.

Deena: Bond-ING, Rob. Bond-ING.

Rob: Oh. Still…

Roger: Yeah, she’s just bitter cuz I put her in her place. (**strokes beard…strokes beard**)

Jiffy: You seem awful confident, Roger.

Roger: Well, I am going to win. So why shouldn’t I be confident?

Jiffy: We’ll see. It’s time to vote.

Roger votes “Christie”…wishes she had won immunity so he could’ve iced Deena.
Deena votes Roger, and wishes him death by impalement.
Rob, channeling Casey Kasem, sends out a long-distance dedication to Roger. I now hate Rob.

Jiffy: I’ll go tally the votes…

“Christie”, “Christie”, Roger, Roger, “Christie” (well, at least they were consistent), Roger, Roger, Roger, Roger.

Stunned, Roger accepts his fate, while Dave and Butch wet themselves.

Next week…Matt-eo finally pops his cork and goes “Apocalypse Now” on the happy campers…Dave and Heidi get freaky, and guess what…Rob doesn’t like it (wow, didn’t see that coming)

Roger’s final words: I knew I’d be my own worst enemy. I don’t think I got Outwitted or Outplayed, but I definitely got Outlasted. (Riiiiight. May want to consult Mr. Webster on that one Rog, I think he’d beg to differ.)