Previously, on Survivor:

Jiffy Probe pulled a fake merge (nya nya gotcha) and the tribes got to choose between the two camps.

After putting all their sweat equity into building their shelter, the Suckies abandoned it in a Phuket minute for the inferior half of a bat-infested cave.

After whining since they arrived about having to make trips to their distant water hole, the Chewies passed on having clean water at their fingertips--even before Probe offered them a new boat.

The two tribes now live NOT AS ONE in the old Chewy cave.

SO WHICH LOOZERS MADE THE JURY, ANYWAY?

SUCKIES:

This devious crew threw away their 2-person lead, by throwing challenges as strategy. Why? So they could throw away the players who actually helped win challenges.

Result: After a streak of 3 more IC losses, the four remaining Suckies–who all sucked at previous challenges--need to survive the next FIVE TC’s intact in order to be the Final Four as planned.

EXCELLENT STRATEGY!!!

The Fab Four consist of:

Papasan Jake.
Master-builder of the Hut Alliance and Tribal Elder.

Penis-teaser.
Minor details like keeping her word never interfere with her game.

Air-in Funbags.
Penny’s shadow. Things we don’t know about Air-in:
Almost everything, including her sex.

Officer Kenny.
The one not from Texas. Self-appointed Keeper of the Sacred Banana.

CHEWIES:

Lost in happy delusion, they actually believe they earned this winning streak. It’s been so long since they’ve had to kick someone off that they’ve settled into a relatively stable dysfunctional family. An overview of their family dynamic:

(Yeah, they get more attention. They're winning.)

King Brain.
Champion of patriarchal oppression, likes to survey his kingdom, which consists of a court jester, a crone, his big dupe, his personal chef, and a klepto monkey–and now the Other Tribe.

Uncle Tedious.
Communes daily with his “family”--Magilla. Tedious thinks he and Brain are soul mates destined to be the Final 2. We’ll see about that.

Lush Granny aka Babybat Jane.
Cries early and often. She thinks it’s OK to let her wasting-away ass hang out of her bathing suit; we strongly disagree.

Helen-the-Babbling-Cookbook.
Lost it back in Episode 2, after MB refused to let her shoot Jan as a sort of mercy boot.

Claymation.
Wisecracking gnome has found his niche–Napping, Golfing, Mocking.

Repugnant as Clay is--at least someone on this show gets the need for Bashing.
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SUMMARY INTERRUPTUS:

Mr. OFG wanders into TV room, catches “highlights” and stares at players in disgust.
“If it weren’t for CBS taking care of these sorry wanks, they’d all be DEAD by now.”

Much as I would like to rebut his argument and defend my viewing habits, I cannot.

I tell him to shush or go away, as it is vital I hear every precious word–especially the whispers. He clearly thinks I’m a few coconuts shy of a full takraw basket but he leaves me to my folly.

SUMMARY DISCLAIMER

I really tried to find a structure for this episode.
Other than the IC and TC, it’s pretty much one long whine, backbite, and sobfest at the old cave. If you didn’t get Cave Fever watching it, you weren’t really in the moment. If you were in the moment, I dare you to tell me which moment happened on what day.

All I can say is, flow with the fragmentation ...

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NIGHT 21: CAMP OF THE UNMERGED

Ted, Clay, and Brian wait for the Sucky loozers to return before beddy-bye.

Ted recalls fondly that: “we sure spanked them today.”
Clay fondly recalls spanking IT back home.

Brian: Soup Jive is not thinking straight if they kick Soo Jin or Sun Yee or whatever her name is, because she's a lot more “damage” than Air-in would be.

Brian, do try to remember that the Suckies aren’t trying to help YOU win.
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Suckies whimper into camp and the not-at-all-gloating Chewy guys ask who they axed and why.

Officer Kenny decides to be up front and clear the air:

Kenny: ShiiAnn confessed she had a deal with you to pick us as clean as she would a chicken neck. She said you'd help her eat our hearts and liver and spit out our bones. We don’t much like people who threaten to treat us like snack food from some alien culture, so we kicked her the hell out.

Chewies act shocked at the notion of making anything so sleazy as a deal with the She-Devil.
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Day 22: STILL AT CAMP OF THE UNMERGED

Damage Assessment and Control

CHEWIES

Ted: They were dead on with the accusation and I knew that they knew that we knew that they were acting like they didn’t think we were acting but we were acting, and doing a damn fine job.

Unknown to the Suckies, Tedious, Brain, and Claymation have made a pact to be The Three Maskateers and never reveal their secret identity as members of a totally separate enemy tribe.

King Brain takes up the She Devil’s narrative legacy by proclaiming this STILL ain’t the Love Tribe:

Brian: I'm kind of seeing who's doing what or not doing what, and who wants to do me. Or simulate doing it with me–whatever. It's sort of like sleeping with a new actress when I don’t know her moves, so that's a little bit of a weird feeling.

SUCKIES

In the loozers’ huddle, cheerleader Penny conducts the post-game pep rally.

Penny: I'm still here and She Devil's not, nya nya nya nya nya! Who’s got the horns now? (Humbly) Gee whiz, you’re my bestest friends, thank you Sooo much for keeping lil ol’ ME.

Kenny: Penny’s right to do damage control but she’s walking on eggshells and a day late and a dollar short.

Spoiler note: Kenny and Penny are either a duo divided or else in a hidden Final 2 alliance.
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Penny Spreads the Butter Too Thick

Penny: Ooh Ted, if you're ready to do your morning workout, I'd sure like to join you, if you know what I mean.

Ted, annoyed at interruption of family visit with Magilla, forces himself to descend a rung in the evolutionary ladder and make cheerleader chit chat.

Ted: Okay. I'm going to do some yoga poses too.

Penny: Okay, I'll DO IT with you, no problem.

Penny obviously has yoga poses confused with pictures she saw in the Kama Sutra.

Ted does BIGGEST. EYEROLL. EVER .

Ted: (Conf) Super Overly Nice Penny is so not-genuine that she’s FAKE.

We now get why King B considers himself to be the brains of this alliance.

Lush Granny : Can’t fault Penny for playing her cute package to the hilt. Hey, I’d use it if I had it.

Cameraman: Helen, how would you dish Penny?
Helen: Great recipe for Penne Diavola...babbles on interminably
Cameraman: Nevermind. Editing suite floor for this one.

Clay: Penis-teaser thinks she can get whatever she wants out of a man, but I’m 46 years old and plumb out of Viagra. I’d trade a cheeseburger for sex, in a French Quarter minute, and she ain’t gettin NONE from me. I don’t care how much butter she lubes us with, it ain’t workin on us!
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Boys Work Out

Apparently the men have found something better than Penny-butter: takraw...

Actual unedited dialogue from men’s takraw game:

My god.
I don't really start until I hear that thing go in the basket.
I just want you to know, don't feel pressure, but you know how I respond.
Oh! One more time!

And they say there’s no sex on Survivor...
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Coping mechanisms for dealing with the Un-merge

Helen: I’m an Australian now. That’s how I deal with unpredictable situations–create an alter ego. No worries mate!

Lush Granny: Chicken-snappin 101! (Apparently makes her feel snappy to call this out...)

Kenny: Who wants a really soft one? Banana, I mean. Are we all sharing?

Helen slowly relishes ripe banana. Camera lingers on it vanishing down her throat.

THAT was so not erotic.
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Camp Tensions Unresolved

Brain the LionKing: Sharp instincts have I. Welcome to my wild kingdom. I can smell it, sense it, feel it. We shall pick each others’ bones like carrion eaters while smiling to each others’ faces and calling ourselves family.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

We have to question Brain’s keen sense of smell, when Ken announces:

Kenny: It’s the piss cave. Very nice. Honey I’m home; can I mark my territory here at the front door? Personally, I don't go around pissing where I sleep. The Chewy guys do, and just for that simple fact I can't feel at home here.

Clay denies pissing in PissCop Ken’s precinct. Shot of Ted marking his territory. Shots of wet sand, allegedly wafting urine scent to Ken’s delicate Brooklyn-born nostrils.

Clay: Hey, if it looks like a cave, smells like a cave, and drips bat guano from the ceiling, I call that a cave. I don’t try to pretend it’s some living room with scented candles.
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Clan of the Cave Bear Remake, Minus Daryl Hannah

Brian: Behold, women do domestic chores in wilderness, let’s all revert hundreds of thousands of years to stone age, me happy Neanderthal happy days are here again. Me like it when men sit on ass and let women folk cook and clean.

Jake: (emulating Modern Male) I'd be happy to do the dishes.

Ted: If you notice, Brian the Brave is saying that when the women are down there.

Brain, look out for those women who would LOVE to go PRIMITIVE on your ass: they’re thinking a properly inserted spear might help you get their point.

Helen-Kan-Kook: (Coming to Cable Channels Everywhere)

Helen: four cups of flour and one cup of sugar... my grandma's carmel recipe, cut them into little squares and put them on wax paper. cookie sheet, sprinkle raisins on that.

Jake: Helen’s making me nuts 24/7. Must go on male bonding break with Brian and feel out possible alliance potential.

Helen: Cashew butter nut squares. Pastry on the bottom and cashews and butter scotch chips on the top and they bake in the oven... put in people's lunch boxes and stuff. half a pint of cocoa, not mix, cocoa. Take another cup of sugar and you're going to pour low pressure....

Question: Is she really so out there to think any of them give a flying fuck about recipes they can’t make now and won’t remember? Or does she share the Jerri delusion that merely talking about sugar and chocolate generates endorphins?
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Jake and Brian Float the Boat

Jake: So does Helen ever shut up about food?

Brian: No, not really. (I’m not giving away any secrets there!)

Jake : (Conf) I give him some truth mixed with some fudge. Damn, Helen’s food fixation is getting me!

Jake: So who do you think’s the hottie on our tribe?

Brian: Kenny, of course--oh you mean between Penis-teaser and Air-in Funbags? Penny’s a cutie. I find Air-in’s Adam’s apple kind of a turn off to the rest of the package.

Jake: (Conf) Wow, I never noticed that. Guess I did learn valuable information. Of course it was about my own tribemate, but I’ll take what I can get.

Brian: Jake is trying to feel me up but I’m not giving him anything–at least not yet.

Back in Camp–Still No Damn Challenge

Jake: My covert op was a total success. Wait til you hear what I learned about Air-in.

Kenny: Look out man, remember he’s a used car dealer. What do they sell? LEMONS.

Jake: Mmm, lemons. That sounds almost... erotic. Lemon-squeezing, mmm.

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DAY 23: (I THINK)

TREE MAIL:

(finally, but WTF it’s for Immunity as first challenge! Evil Pecker Mark...)

Down you go, like whales you’ll spout.
Blow it slowly–In and Out.
Don’t dare quit, if you swallow,
Or your boot just might follow

Jake: SJ needs to wins this one because 4 against 5 already sucks but 4 minus 1 = 3 which is 2 less than 5 which sucks so much more and it would suck so much less if we were 4 against 4.

No shit, red rider; karma is cruel is it not?

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

It’s STILL tribal.

Jiffy: This challenge is so easy that a child could do it for hours, but you wimps are gonna panic. All you have to do to win is not panic. But you will panic. Panic panic panic lose lose lose someone’s going home tonight. Now stay calm. OK, pep talk over, here are the rules:

You got your wooden tube, you get your mouth around it, but because it’s wood and not the rubber feel you are used to, you won’t get a snug fit, so ... they're going to leak a little. You can expect to swallow some, um, salty fluids.

Helen IMMEDIATELY demands to sit out, citing her lack of experience in this area. Everyone else looks game.

Penny lets down the reputation of cheerleader sorority girls everywhere with her nine second marathon. All but Papa Jake and Brian decide to let someone else win immunity for them.

Jiffy: This is really pathetic guys! Do you realize almost anybody could hold their breath for longer than the combined Sook Jai effort of 49 seconds?

Well, we all know Brian is going to win but nevertheless we are treated to a lengthy close-up of his blowing technique, doubtless perfected in some of his “uncredited” roles...

Jiffy actually has to send Clay in to beg Brian to stop so they can take their hard-won idol back to camp.

Jiffy: Who wants this?

Brian: I’ll take it.

The man is insatiable--not a bad quality mind you.

Jiffy: Once again I’m the bad news messenger. Stares intently at Air-in’s Funbags. I’ll see you Suckers at Tribal Council FOR THE FOURTH TIME IN A ROW--soon only not yet.

Jiffy: (Aside) We need to draw this drama out a little, OK a lot, because that’s all we’ve got for this lame episode. We’re hoping for some break-up sex in the old cave tonight!

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EXTRA!!! SIMIAN SABOTEURS RAID CAMP!!!

Heavy foreshadowing as they approach camp. Waves crash ominously. Boat tosses wildly. Surely all is not well in the home cave. Ah, now we catch a glimpse of Magilla the monkey marauder safely escaped with his booty...

Air-in: Is there some reason why the lid is off the noodles?

For some reason I just love how she worded that question.

Brian: Looks like our monkey-butler’s raising a family at our expense.

Helen: No way no way no way!
Perfectly ripe bananas, gone, gone forever. OMG I was so looking forward to a banana when I got home. And our noodles, our food is noodles; noodles are us!
Our noodles will give out before this thing is over, I know it.

Right now I just want to SPANK THAT MONKEY! If I could only get my hands on it...

Helen proceeds to recite her partial recollection of an old Thai proverb:

If the monkey takes your noodles
You’ll be up the creek without a paddle,
You’ll be eating rocks or something.

Officer Kenny : Ma’am, chicken reported missing as well.

Helen (screams): No no no not the boat, the bananas, the noodles AND the chicken!

Kenny: Kidding.

(Pastor John, watching at home, draws a red X through Ken’s pic on the Survivor score card.)

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Air-in’s Redeeming Moment

Air-in now demonstrates how seriously she’s taken her role as understudy for head cheerleader. Um, there’s a reason why they call them alternates. They sit on the sidelines unless the cheerleader can’t make the game.

We now see, sort of, that Air-in really does have a strategy, in a passively Lamberesque sort of way. Unfortunate that she’s not pro-active enough to trip Penny so that she just happens to sprain her ankle. But this happy turn is not to be.

Air-in: (to Papasan Jake) It sucks. You can't go back and change it. Fate determined, team rebuild, be strong in heart. I don't blame you, Ken doesn't blame you, none of us blame you, it's part of the game. It's not your fault. Okay? Believe me, okay?

Is anyone else having a hard time getting why Jake, who outlasted his whole tribe in the challenge, needs absolution from all the people who lasted less than half a minute? I’m really puzzled here.

Apparently Jake was supposed to carry their dead weight in proportion to his age over theirs. Yeah, that must be how the Suckies compute responsibility.
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The Frustration of Winning and Losing:

Ted: Obviously you can’t be happy for us because the reason we’re happy is we spanked your ass. I get that. So glad we talked.

Jake: I really want to wander off into the jungle and become Buddhist hermit, but waah, I have to go to Tribal Council and cut the throat of someone I love like family.
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Almost Erotic

Penny: The Four of us should sleep together. Finally.

Jake: That sounds almost erotic (leers)... just kidding. (leers)

Penny: (damage control pre-emptive strike): If I’m gone (sniff) you 3 kick some ass for me!

Air-in: (not to be outdone) Ditto. Double ditto.

Jake: Remember no matter how much time I spend with Clay or Brian, it’s not what it seems. I’m loyal, loyal to my girl harem, to my man in uniform, even to my wife. Have I mentioned I love my wife?

If one of you should go instead of me tonight (just by chance), please tell that Gonedia chick with the big mouth that I love my wife, cause I’m getting worried about how my part in this scene might make me look like a DOM–damn skewed editing.

DAY 24: I THINK

MB to JP: So was there sex in the ol cave last night?

JP: NO, not even a grind.

MB: (gnashes teeth) They shall be punished!

Reward Challenge: It’s Your Lucky Day, Lucky!

Wait a minute! We have been robbed this week. Evil Burnett has chosen to withhold the food reward challenge, forcing players to eat Lucky the chicken (recycled already-won reward).

Unclear WHY survivors named their future dinner Lucky, but so many of their motives are unclear.

Ted: Personally I would rather free Lucky. I thought he was my pet. I will go bury my head in the sand by doing pushups. But I am nothing like Kimmi. I will definitely eat Lucky, as long as someone else does the dirty work.

Jake: Buddhism Dalai Lama chicken dharma sustenance, a few words about this chicken. This is Lucky who's been with us a number of days and is at the end of its lucky days.

Clay: I've never in my life seen such a ceremony over killing a damn chicken.

Allow me to translate Buddhist mumbo jumbo into farm boy speak: God gave us the damn chicken to kill it and eat it, it's not that big a deal.

I’d kill it myself but that would blow my strategy of appearing totally worthless and incompetent in all survival or work-related areas.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Jake’s hand tightens on Lucky’s neck while Nurse Baby Jan assists Dr. Death.

A frenzied Ted does pushups in the sand, faster, faster, up down up down...

Jake: Chicken, thank you for giving your life.

Snap. Flap. Flap. Flap.

Jake: That's just the last minute muscle twitches of death.

Much like the Suckies’ performance in this episode

Lush Granny: I had never participated in choking a chicken before, holding the legs and watching it flap. It was VERY HARD ... but it had a purpose, a special purpose.

Ted: Man, Lucky sure is tasty.

Helen: Clay Jordan kissed me; I’m Aussie Queen for a Day!

Helen wins individual reward challenge, IMHO. *I* would find kissing Clay extremely challenging.

Helen: Do you Sucky loozers want to eat dinner before or after Tribal Council? One less mouth to feed afterwards of course, but no worries, eh mates?
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Air-in-head Gets Her Face Time or That’s As Good as it Gets

Camera settles on a shot of Air-in’s crotch as she stands around in her string bikini.

Camera lingers on the skin of Air-in’s thigh where the little string tie covers so little.

Camera pans up Air-in’s b00bs,,,

Camera starts to move up...

Cut! Stay away from the Adam’s Apple and the scary eyebrows!
OK, that’s a wrap on Air-in then.
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Lush Granny’s Pet Cemetery

Babybat Jane: I have a pet cemetery here and it started with Oliver the little bat that I found, and then today I added Lucky's head and Lucky's feet. Of course everybody thinks I'm crazy, but that's okay. That’s my strategy.

Who knew my little cemetery was destined to become so crowded? At least they’re together now.

Yeah sure. I’m sure Lucky finds tremendous peace in sleeping with a slimy decomposed bat embryo.
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Heaven Cries for Sook Jai

Jake: The good lord is crying with us.

Yeah right. And Vee is full of humility compared with you guys.

Penny: It’s getting frigging wet out here he’s crying so hard.

Jake: You're special, special, special people.

Kenny: (Conf. Lis-type moment) Survivor is not just a game!

And here I thought it was Monopoly. We had a beautiful plan to nail Boardwalk and Park Place, build Donald Trump style hotels and drive them into the ground, but instead we ended up sleeping “Under The Boardwalk” with the bums. For real.

Penny: This sucks because this is the fourth time in a row we're going. I would like to see them have to experience this.

Penny, if y’all didn’t throw challenges when you were ahead, you might have gotten your wish.

Jake: So would you want to know if you were getting offed tonight?

Penny: Damn straight--I want to know everything. That’s how manipulative control freaks rule!

Air-in: the whole subject makes me want to puke.

Hmm, Air-in has dared to express her own opinion and differ from her Doublemint twin. Methinks the pecking order in the tribe has raised its ugly head.

Jake: So we’re saving it for TC?

Audience: PLEASE for gawd’s sake, save US!
Enough with this sentimental self-pitying sobfest!

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TRIBAL COUNCIL

Probe: So Ken, do you feel more like an inmate or a visitor at the old cave?

Kenny : Definitely an inmate. The Chewies have been very gracious, they've accepted us into their home and now it's our home, except it smells like piss and I don’t piss in my home.

Probe: Air-in, a little hard for me to believe that there's not some feeling of weirdness in a game that is often controlled by numbers. What's it like for you?

Air-in: The number game is really starting to catch up with those of us who never really GOT higher math. I’m concerned we’ll go into negative numbers any day now.

Probe: Penny is there any feeling in the back of your mind that “I've got to work these guys because I may need them later in this game?”

Penny: Oh definitely.

Probe: Air-in, why not send you home tonight?

Air-in: I feel like I'm an asset to this tribe. I have at least two assets to contribute. I have always kept my word to every member of this tribe, unlike SOMEONE I know.

(Penny gives Air-in the Smirk. Air-in has just signed her boot warrant)

So they all have to tell Probe why they shouldn’t be cut loose as if they were worse dead weight than Lucky’s gnawed neckbone.

Penny says she never sleeps around at camp unless everyone is doing it. Ken says he's a big strong hunk. Jake reminds them they need him for any water challenges. This is sad but true.

Probe: It’s time to vote.

Suckies: We already took a vote. We’re not voting against any of us. We’re the Final Four and we’re never leaving.

Probe : So you refuse to vote? You know there will be severe consequences!
(Confers in a corner with Evil Pecker Mark)

OK, you asked for it. It’s Rock/Paper/Scissors for the lot of you.
1-2-3!

Penny: Scissors

Kenny: Scissors

Jake: Scissors

Air-in: Rock

Probe: Air-in, bring me your torch.

Air-in: But Rock smashes Scissors!

Probe: Sorry, not when it’s three to one. Nothing about this game is fair.

Fade-out with Swirl of Penny’s Smirk.

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Air-in’s Actual Last Words:

“I came to the island with a small bag (possible over-share) and myself (but self includes two jumbo-inflated funbags) and I'm leaving with more than I ever could have expected.”

Air-in, if the rumors are half true, there was way more to you than we ever expected. You had it all, so to speak, or should we say–you once had it all.

All except for one tiny but vital thing you lacked: a Story.

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*Certain elements of the above TC plot are fictional. The reality was beyond boring. Trust me.*