Previously on Survivor:

- Chuay Gahn speculates about an upcoming merge.
- The Doodfather throws a hissy fit when Officer Kenny tells him that Henny Penny was thinking of voting him out.
- Despite Sook Jai's RC win, Chuay Gahn takes immunity.
- While the Doodfather supposedly makes up with his tribe, he's voted out anyways. Does it get any dumber than that?

The answer, of course, is yes. That and more, this week on Survivor.

CUE CREDITS!

Tangent: Now, I don't normally comment on commercials, but we have the world's cutest one here in Canada. Picture some monkeys (like Magilla, but 2 of them) dancing to Bust a Move in an ad for cell phones. Now that's quality entertainment. On a related note, I also have this huge crush on the Letterman girl who keeps asking all the guests about monkeys, but that's another story. Back to the show.

Sook Jai, Night 18

A dejected tribe heads back to camp from Tribal Council. We have Shii Ass, Officer Kenny, Pharoah Ramsey the Brainless, Grandpa Jake and Aaron/Erin.

Aaron: This vote was the hardest thing we've ever had to do. I mean, we've built bonds with each other, we're like a family. I mean, we're like that psychotic family down the road with the shades down because we're secretly trying to kill each other 24/7, but still a family nonetheless. I'm especially keeping my eye on Ken and Shii Ann, because they're like those cousins who are a little too close.

Cue an obligatory shot of Erin lying in bed next to Penny, whispering sweet nothings in her ear. Now, I would normally be excited by something like this, that is if I could pinpoint Aaron's gender and Penny wasn't a psychobeotch. In our next confessional, Officer Kenny shares his thoughts on her Egyptian highness.

Ken: I'm watching Penny, because she's sneaky. See, I know her M.O., how she works. In fact, all throughout High School I've been rejected by girls just like her. Bad times, bad times.

Shii Ass then says something along the lines of the exact same thing that Ken said, the two of them hug, Ken cops a feel, and they go to bed.

Day 19 - Tree Mail!

It's been 19 days,
case you weren't keeping track.
But you won't believe this one,
shocking twist brak brak brak.

Each one choose a colour,
paint yourself toe to ear.
Then get your asses to Jiffy,
we don't got all year.

Cut to a montage of the of the contestants painting themselves, which just so happens to include the mandatory chest, leg and boob shots. The only notable comment comes from Lucky Charms Clay (since he reminds me of a leprachaun), who says "C'mon now. Let's show a bit of personality." What a coincedence, I've been thinking the exact same thing for the last 7 weeks.

After the painting, whose highlights include Ted the Brass Golem and Brain, who painted his beard like he just ate a whole bag of Cheeto's, is done, they meet Jeff at a small rock circle.

Jeff: Welcome to day 19, that's 20 days before this waste of a show is over and we can start Survivor 6. We thought we'd let you guys get to know each other a bit. You all chose a colour of paint which matches you up with a member on the other tribe. Once you find your partner, you will pick a basket, head to a secluded place, and hopefully have some sex so we finally beat Friends in the ratings. Two of the baskets contain further instructions and all of them contain a 3-pack of Trojans. Have a nice day, and remember to clean up after yourselves.

The pairs are Shii Ass and Lucky Charms Clay, Porno Brian and Penny the cheerleader (bow chicka bow bow), Aaron/Erin and Brass Golem Ted, Officer Kenny and heleN, and Grandpa Jake and Geritol Jan, who leave holding hands. Jiffy tells them "Holding hands. I like it." Evidently, CBS will take what they can get.

The festivities begin with Ramsey the Brainless and Porno Brian opening their basket and finding fruit. They then start talking about food.

Penny: We did a lot of oysters and snails back at camp.
Brian: Now by do you mean like you ate them or...
Penny: Why we ate them of course.
Brian: You know, oysters are a natural aphrodesiac...
<cue music: boom chicka boom chicka...boom boom boom chicka>

Tangent: Look for Penny does Thailand at fine adult shop bargain bins everywhere.

Over at Shii Ass and Lucky Charms' picnic, they find...wait for it, wait for it...further instructions! They're told to go check out Chuay Gahn camp, while heleN and Officer Kenny get a similar note to go to Sook Jai. We see a short sequence of Shii Ass and Lucky Charms walking into Chuay Gahn camp before we cut to...

Sook Jai!

heleN is awestruck by the Sook Jai camp.

heleN: Their camp was a wonder to behold! They have everything you could possibly want! It's like shelter and water and chickens, oh my (heck)!

So that means they're definitely moving to Sook Jai, right? Sure, and Mark Burnett is Jesus. Anyways, the scene continues as officer Kenny tries to get information about Chuay Gahn from heleN.

heleN: I'm the suspicious New Englander and he's the New York Cop. He's trying to get interrogate me, but I'm not dumb enough to tell my tribe's information.

Speaking of people who are dumb enough to tell their tribe's information, cut back to Chuay Gahn where Shii Ass' mouth is flapping like a sail in a hurricane. Whatever happened to "The wise man knows very much but says very little, and the fool knows very little and says much?" Nevermind, it was a rhetorical question (answer: You're an idiot). Basically, Shii Ass makes 2 points.

1. Officer Kenny is God.
2. Henny Penny is the devil.

Well, you got the second one right, anyways. All 10 contestants return to Jiffy.

Jeff: Did everyone have a nice time?
All: Yes.
Jeff: Did anyone have any sex?
All: No!
Erin: Well, Ted tried to grind me, but I bit him.
Jeff: Damn. Let's just get this thing over with. Helen and Shii Ann, what did you think about the camps?
Shii: Chuay Gahn was heaven.
heleN: Sook Jai was a piece of crap.
Jeff: Well, there you have it, both tribes will now be living at Chuay Gahn. All of Sook Jai's crap will be loaded into a giant slingshot and fired over to Chuay Gahn, and we're gonna give you a new boat too since it seems unfair to penalize the Sookies for your dumbass mistake. Now get out of my face and enjoy your merge...I mean 2 tribes living at the same camp.
Aaron: A merge? Yay!
Jeff: <puts head down in shame>

After the commercials, the contestants enter Chuay Gahn beach. Shii Ass notices food, and heleN gives us the customary OMG. Cut to a scene of the castaways pigging out set to some crappy remix of the Survivor theme then a few commentaries on the new tribe.

Brian: It's nice to welcome everyone into my Kingdom. Mi Casa et Su Casa. I've got home court advantage because this is my Kingdom!

Thank you, Simba.

Geritol Jan explains to us how the two tribes merged <cough cough dumbass cough cough> and then the castaways decide to wash off their paint. Cut to some more confessionals. Officer Kenny, as usual, starts complaining, this time about Henny Penny, then the Pharaoh herself tells us that she is still playing the game. Note to Penny: Go sell yourself some Ritalin and calm down. The last few minutes of this scene are taken up by Shii Ass spilling her guts again, this time to Ted, about how much she hates her tribe and how much they've ostracized her due to her cultural differences. Yeah, I'm sure it's that and not the fact that you reveal everything you know to anyone who's willing to listen.

Night 19

Amidst clips of the tribes having a party, Aaron explains how they thought that the other tribe would be boring, but they're really not. Call it a hunch, but it just might have to do with the large quantities of alcohol that you're drinking. Erin then asks, "Are you trying to get me drunk and take advantage of me?" That depends, are you talking about the tribe or Mark Burnett? Anyways, what happens next is a drunk Jan stumbilng and bumbling and finally falling over into a stack of pots. Unfortunately, she avoided the fire. Damn.

Tangent: I just thought of a great idea for any parents who want to discourage their teenage daughters from drinking. Just show them this clip and tell them that, if they start drinking, this is what they'll be like in 40 years.

heleN and Shii Ass sing some songs, then Brian shows that he had a little too much to drink as well. It starts innocently enough, with him playing what sounds like it could be Britney Spears' next hit single on his guitar, but then Grinder Ted has to bring him down to the beach. Inevitably, this ordeal can only end one way, and to quote it from another contestant...

Tanya: Bleeeeeeeeeech...bleeeeeech...

Day 20

After yet another commercial break (alas, no dancing monkeys this time), Brian goes back into Simba mode and claims he's the leader (read: target) of the Chuay Gahns. He talks to Shii Ass in order to "test her out" and see if she can be used as "part of his Kingdom." And you know what, Brian? When your father Mufasa passes on, you'll be the new King of Pride Rock! Isn't that exciting? Luckily for Mr. Assanine Leader, Shii Ass doesn't know when to shut up and tells him that her instincts tell her to vote with them. Ahhhh...the Kelly Goldsmith strategy.

After some cool stock footage of a spider eating a worm, we see Shii Ass talking to Officer Kenny. In Bebo style...

INSTA-POLL!

What will Shii Ann do next? Will she...

A. Tell him that she is loyal to Sook Jai, then forget about betraying her tribe?
B. Tell him that she is loyal to Sook Jai, but turn against Penny and Aaron?
C. Spill her guts and tell Ken everything.

I think we all know the answer to this one. In a dazzling gufu, Shii Ass tells Officer Kenny that she is thinking of voting off Penny. Ken tells her that it's a stupid move and she shouldn't give the Chewies a 5-4 advantage. However, the odd thing in this scenario is that Ken is actually right.

Tangent: Weather forecast in hell; a cool -20 degrees.

Day 21 - Tree Mail!

We said all these challenges,
would be brand new.
Okay so we lied,
What're you gonna do?

You'll be reaching to get keys,
shackled up in a jail.
For America's sake,
let's hope those things fail.

One interesting thing to note. When the contestants leave for the challenge, Magilla comes and starts stealing their food. It's official, I'm now rooting for the monkey.

Immunity Challenge - There Is No Justice

The contestants line up in front of Jiffy, where he reveals the pre-challenge SHOCKING NEW TWIST!

Jeff: So Erin, was it tough having two tribes live together on the same beach?

Aaron: No, not hard at all. Our merge was smooth sailing.

Jeff: Wait, you said merge. I never said you merged.
<cue ominous music; pan across the shocked contestants' faces>

Jeff: I never said anything about a merge. All I said was that you were 2 tribes living on 1 beach. <grinning evilly> Oh, I tricked you so good! I mean, look how shocked you are! Shii Ann, you are soooooooo screwed, and Penny, everyone knows how much of a beotch you are! <starts pumping his arm> Oh yeah, Jiffy's the man! I am the King! Who's your daddy? I am!

All: <stares at Jiffy funnily>

Jeff: Sorry. On with the challenge...

The rules of the challenge are simple. The tribes are shackled and locked in a jail cell that looks like a fourth grade construction project. They have to use sticks on the ground to grab 15 keys, which they can use to unlock themselves, and then dig their way out of jail. The tribe who crosses the finish line with all 15 keys first wins.

As the challenge begins, both Brian and Officer Kenny try to snag keys. Brian is successful, while Ken is "inches short." If only Ken had a nickel for every time he's heard that. Grinder Ted, Shii Ass, Officer Kenny and Brian make slow progess, tying the score at 4 keys each. Then, suddenly the tribes develop a magical super stick and the score is Chewy 13 Sucky 12 in a matter of seconds! Oh wait, that's just time lapse tape. Anyways, to make a long story short, the Suckies' athleticism can't save them and they lose by one key.

Night 21

At Chuay Gahn camp, the members of Chuay Gahn explain that the Suckies have already left for tribal council. Therefore, this scene has no spoilers/misdirection in it whatsoever. So I'll just skip it.

At Tribal Council, Erin reveals that she can't get over the SHOCKING NEW TWIST because the concept of no merge has blown her tiny little brain, Jake almost loses his hat, Aaron and Ramsey the Brainless reveal that Shii Ass is f@*$ed while Shii Ass digs herself into a grave, Penny says soooooooooooooooooook jaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii (twice!), and Shii Ass digs herself even deeper.

In the end, Shii Ann votes for Henny Penny, while Penny votes for "Shi Ann" (hey, that's Shii with TWO i's, not one). Tally the votes, Ass, Brainless, Ass, Ass, Ass. Shii is sent packing.

And thankfully, that is all for this week.

THE END

Next Week, on Survivor:

- Tensions rise between the opposing tribes
- Gabe comes back to Chuay Gahn to wet the bed
- heleN threatens to kill my favourite character

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

SUCK GUYS - REWARD FEAST

What do you suppose the first thing they said when they saw the food was, huh? Go on, just guess. If you guessed “OH MY GOD!!!!”, well… you’re right!!!

Penny: This tea is so good, I’m drinking it like it’s milk.

The only sense I can make out of this statement is that she’s bucking for the coveted “Got Milk?” Spokesperson status.

Robb: Wow, clean plates, forks, and napkins to wipe our faces with! Here, Shii Ann, let me teach you how to use them. Not that I’m a big prissy boy or anything.

Penny: If we could give out an MVP award, Robb would get it. Instead, we’ll give him the MBP - Most Bootable Person.

Hey, don’t forget Mouthy Banana Pilferer, Moronic Bolt Piercing, and Most Bleeped Phrases.

They all agree that this morning was ridiculous, silly and retarded.

And that would make it different from any other moment since this show started, exactly how?

Shii Ann: For a teensy second, it was almost like we could pretend that we didn’t totally hate each others guts. It was nice.

CHEWY GUMS - DAY 17

The boys are anticipating the merge. They pull out their calculators and slide rules to figure out complicated equations like, if they lose the next IC and then merge, how many players would each tribe have? Little do they know that their high-functioning math conversation is preparing them for the next challenge.

Brian and Ted describe their alliance in detail, which dooms it to failure. They feel that Clay may suspect something. Really? You mean the fact that they shush each other and stop talking whenever he walks up might have given something away? Nah.

SUCK GUYS

Now comes perhaps the most heavy-handed foreshadowing and imagery ever seen on a Survivor episode. As Robb and Kenn hike together, Robb waxes philosophical about all he has learned, all he appreciates about his experience, and his awe at being here in this amazing place. Meanwhile, snakes are everywhere. Snakes in trees, snakes on the path, snakes snakes snakes. Robb even finds a snake skin and shows it to Kenn, failing utterly to grasp the basic symbolism of the moment.

Actual quotes from Robb:

“Ken and I really squashed the beef.”

“He made me make sense of myself, and not many people have done that.”

Back to the made-up stuff (or is it?):

Robb: I’m savoring this one banana that my big brother let me have…

Kenn: You’re welcome.

Robb: …and this water that tastes like warm piss.

Kenn: You’re welcome again.

CHEWY GUMS

Jan: We have to have a funeral for this dead baby bat!

Helen: At first I thought, thank God, Clay has finally succumbed. But then I realized it was actually a slimy bat embryo thing, much more attractive than Clay.

Brian: She named it “Oscar.” I was once in a movie where my “co-star” was named Oscar - Oscar M. Wiener - so I immediately thought they might like to eat it.

I’d like to comment on Jan’s habit of bending straight over at the waist, or the way her bathing suit was riding up in the front, but I’m trying desperately to get those images out of my mind.

Jan: (sobbing as she buries the bat) Ah thought Ah finally had me an alliance!

TREE MAIL!

This episode title
Is The Power of One
So you’d better think clearly
Or your time here is done

Whoever decides
Which flags you are choosing
Had better be right
Or the idol you’re losing

Clay: This immunity is Extremely Important. It’s Extremely Important that We Win Immunity, because if we don’t, we’ll be picked off by the other tribe after the merge. No one wants to see that! Right? Right?

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

Jiffy Probe: It’s a simple math challenge. <at which point I lost consciousness>

In a stunning move, the Suckies have Robb sit out the mental challenge.

And if there’s anything less funny than a math challenge, it’s a math challenge without Duuuude in it.

We are treated to the high drama of various survivors picking up various numbers of flags, and their futile efforts to do math in their heads. Riveting.

Shii Ann’s legendary smarts fail her, as she has to plead with the mental giants on her tribe to “help her think.” Perhaps she shouldn’t have had that second helping of chicken brains.

It turns out that Clay is the smartest person on the island. I think that statement speaks for itself.

Chewy Gum wins the not-at-all-biased Immunity Challenge!

SUCK GUYS - NIGHT 17

In a totally unrelated note, Tribal Council is not that same night. Isn’t TC usually the same night as IC? So the Suckies were drinking wine the night before the mental challenge IC, plus eating lots of fly-infested native food on weakened digestive systems. And now they have this night and all the next day together before going to TC. Plus a large amount of wine. Hmmm…a suspicious person might think that MB wanted the Suckies to be hungover, sleepy, and sick to their stomachs at the challenge, then have extra time and wine to either get sloppy drunk and make up, or sloppy drunk and fight.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Robb: My mind has been opened! I care about life so much! And bananas! Oh, how I cherish bananas!

Erin: He made all of us think, even me. Ow.

Robb: I used to only care about money and getting wasted. <takes a swig of wine>

All the Suckies have cathartic emotional outbursts about their love for each other and for “Skateboard Freak.” If saccharine blatherings uttered during a drunken sobfest could be bleeped out, we wouldn’t have heard a word. I think the CBS censors have their priorities all wrong.

Shii Ann, in the same spirit of honesty as her TC declaration that she loves this tribe, tells Robb that he’s a “really, really good guy.” Wow, I’m all choked up.

SUCK GUYS - DAY 18

Shii Ann informs us that, in spite of last night, they're still the Hate Tribe. Wah, and I was feeling all warm and fuzzy inside! Can’t we cuddle just a little while longer?

Jake: We love you, thanks for giving your ultimate for us. <CRAAAACK!!!!>

Shii Ann: Yeah, he caught a lot of balls, but too bad. Oh, you were talking to the chicken.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jiffy Probe: <beaming like a proud papa> You’re far less irritating to me than you were three days ago!

Erin: <she said a lot, I don’t remember any of it>

JP: Penny. The tone changed after the IC loss.

Penny: Yes, I went from bossy head cheerleader to bossy-but-sensitive head cheerleader.

JP: Robb. What’s it like for you, being the despondent underdog?

Robb: It was hard to watch them lose the challenge that’s getting me booted.

JP: I’m delighted at your experience, because I won my bet with MB. He was sure you’d be obnoxious brawling drunks, not sappy weepy drunks. See, he doesn’t rig everything.

Erin launches into another lengthy monologue. Remember when we were wondering if she could form a complete sentence? Don’t you miss those days?

JP: Time to vote.

Shii Ann: (voting for Rob) There’s an old proverb, and it goes something like this - a wise man knows stuff but doesn’t say much, he keeps quiet, speaks little, talks very sparingly; you know, he keeps his mouth shut and doesn’t use too many words. The fool doesn’t know squat but says far too much, he just won’t shut up, goes on and on, yacking away, thinking he’s a real smart cookie and knows all the answers when he’s actually a clueless idiot; you know what I’m saying, he just talks and talks and talks. So anyway, you know what I mean. I was just starting to not completely loathe you.

Robb: Shii Ann, no hard feelings baby. Even though I’m writing my vote as Shit Head.

JP: I’ll go tally the votes, and end this excruciating suspense that the viewers have been enduring all show.

The tension mounts, as we wonder whether Clarence will get another vote.

JP: For only the second time ever, I have no idea who a vote is for. What’s this? (Holding up the “Shit Head” card)

Robb points at Shii Ann.

JP: For god’s sake, write a name! This could have been for any of you!

Next vote: Rob.

Robb: Two “b”s!

JP: Rob. Rob. Rob. Sorry, Rob, your two “b”s are not to be. Bring me your torch.

Robb leaves the Tribal Council area immediately, if “immediately” means after ten minutes of schmoozing and blubbering.

JP: Robb is responsible for your spiritual growth, and you voted him off. I guess you’d kick the Dalai Lama out of bed for eating crackers, huh? I’m disgusted with you all over again.

It turns out that Robb was the most spiritual person on the island. I think that statement speaks for itself.