Previously, on Survivor!

Somehow I missed the Suck Guy sequence; I’m sure it was fascinating.

On Chewy Gum: Ted and Brian swear fidelity, The boat gets lost at sea, They win immunity.

SUCK GUYS, DAY 16

Robb stares out to sea, looking despondent.

Robb: I feel like such an underdog!

Robb says that Penny told him that she was never thinking of voting for him, but he says that Ken told him that Penny told him that she was voting for either him or Steph. Neener neener neener.

Penny narrates in a head cheerleader, control freak kinda way.

We get the Robb-Kenn confrontation right off the bat:

Robb: Bleep! Bleep bleep bleep!!

Kenn: Bleep bleep! Staff! Staff! Bleepin’ bleep!

Robb: Trust is instilled early! Bleep!

Kenn: Bleepidy bleep! You’ve got some set of balls! Bleep!

Don’t knock it, Ken, that’ll come in handy at RC.

Robb: Bleep! I’m not bleepin’ stupid! Oh, wait….whatever.

CHEWING GUMS, DAY 16

Jan: Boo hoo! I hate that the boat is gone!

Ted, the boat loser, frets over the swimmers from his safe berth on shore.

News flash from Helen: the boat is gone. Boat, boat, boat. Thank you, Helen.

Helen: My face may never launch a thousand ships, but it sure sent one screaming away in terror.

Ted pleads with the boat to return. The boat refuses to take his calls and files a restraining order.

The boys suspect that a distant island has captured their boat. They swim off to rescue Princess Betsy from it’s evil clutches, as foretold by the Uncle BIL spoiler. Helen, ever the bearer of old news, informs us that they are not good swimmers.

Brian: Breast stroke! Breast! Stroke! Stroke! Oh, YEEESSSS!!!!! <Boomchickabowow>

Fortunately, a camera crew is nearby to catch every drop of action.

Ted: I’m swimming better every day. I’m at whale speed now.

Whales all over the world file lawsuits for defamation of character.

Clay: The more we swam, the farther away that island got. I think it’s avoiding me.

SUCK GUYS

The camera zooms in on the chickens - Robb’s only friends.

Robb: Cover me! I’m going for a banana!

He tenderly fondles the bananas in their sack, choosing one with just the right firmness. Stunned by his audacity, the rest of the tribe gathers to discuss his banana-grabbing ways. They had all agreed not to touch their bananas. Robb can suck down thirty bananas a day; Penny can’t hope to match that. Ken and Jake offer to tutor her.

Ken is appointed Banana Cop.

Kenn: You can’t have no bananas!
You can’t have no bananas today!

Robb: (despondently) I’m hungry! I don’t have to ask permission to eat a banana!

Kenn: You do if it’s MY banana! No one touches my banana before it’s ripe!

Shii Ann, cocky now in her strong position as just-barely-above-Robb-in-the-pecking-order, piles on. Penny sternly reminds her that she was not given permission to speak.

REWARD CHALLENGE

The following is a montage of near-verbatim Jiffy Probe quotes:

JP: Each tribe will select one “member” to be the ball launcher. The other four “members” will be out in various "positions" on the beach, paired up with “members” of the other tribe. Catch the balls launched by your ball launcher. That’s how you "score." At the same time, you’re trying to stop the other tribe from catching their balls. You can also swap "positions."

Back to the made-up stuff:

Jiffy Probe: Grab a pair of balls, pull back hard on the shafts, shoot towards your partners, and make sure I can see it!

Brian: Ooh, this sounds like my kinda game! <Boomchickabowow>

Robb is a whiz at this challenge. Must be all that practice holding the martini glass while the head bartender drops an olive into it. Meanwhile, Clay demonstrates the wrong way to…well, he just demonstrates wrongness in general.

Speaking of wrong, we get a shot of Erin’s boobs that make Sarah’s funbags look positively natural.

Robb is busy grabbing everyone’s balls, until Ted is sent in to start working him over. Once Ted starts knocking Robb’s balls around, it looks like he might grind out a victory for the Chewies. Until….

Time out, Suckies! Penny steps from the cheerleading sidelines right into the huddle, and with Dan Fouts-like fire in her eyes, commands her troops.

Penny: Hush, children, right now! I’m gonna shoot hard right up the middle, and I want all of your butts in there with your balls in a basket!

More JP quotes:

JP: Lots of action there, but no score. Brian takes out a pole! <Boomchickabowow> Getting hot… We’re all tied up, guys, next ball wins!

It’s down to the final ball. Penny and Helen each yank hard on their ball-launchers, and while the Chewy’s shot dribbles harmlessly down the beach, Ken rams his ball home. The Suckies win, and come together in satisfaction.

Jiffy Probe: Robb, in spite of being the underdog, you carried the team. Surely they can’t vote you off now.

CHEWY GUMS

Ted: I hate losing. Especially when I give 100 million percent, which is not an exaggeration for a guy my size. It’s no one person’s fault, certainly not Clay’s. Please don’t anyone take my grinding on you out there personally, it’s just the game, and besides, I thought you were my wife.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

SUCK GUYS - REWARD FEAST

What do you suppose the first thing they said when they saw the food was, huh? Go on, just guess. If you guessed “OH MY GOD!!!!”, well… you’re right!!!

Penny: This tea is so good, I’m drinking it like it’s milk.

The only sense I can make out of this statement is that she’s bucking for the coveted “Got Milk?” Spokesperson status.

Robb: Wow, clean plates, forks, and napkins to wipe our faces with! Here, Shii Ann, let me teach you how to use them. Not that I’m a big prissy boy or anything.

Penny: If we could give out an MVP award, Robb would get it. Instead, we’ll give him the MBP - Most Bootable Person.

Hey, don’t forget Mouthy Banana Pilferer, Moronic Bolt Piercing, and Most Bleeped Phrases.

They all agree that this morning was ridiculous, silly and retarded.

And that would make it different from any other moment since this show started, exactly how?

Shii Ann: For a teensy second, it was almost like we could pretend that we didn’t totally hate each others guts. It was nice.

CHEWY GUMS - DAY 17

The boys are anticipating the merge. They pull out their calculators and slide rules to figure out complicated equations like, if they lose the next IC and then merge, how many players would each tribe have? Little do they know that their high-functioning math conversation is preparing them for the next challenge.

Brian and Ted describe their alliance in detail, which dooms it to failure. They feel that Clay may suspect something. Really? You mean the fact that they shush each other and stop talking whenever he walks up might have given something away? Nah.

SUCK GUYS

Now comes perhaps the most heavy-handed foreshadowing and imagery ever seen on a Survivor episode. As Robb and Kenn hike together, Robb waxes philosophical about all he has learned, all he appreciates about his experience, and his awe at being here in this amazing place. Meanwhile, snakes are everywhere. Snakes in trees, snakes on the path, snakes snakes snakes. Robb even finds a snake skin and shows it to Kenn, failing utterly to grasp the basic symbolism of the moment.

Actual quotes from Robb:

“Ken and I really squashed the beef.”

“He made me make sense of myself, and not many people have done that.”

Back to the made-up stuff (or is it?):

Robb: I’m savoring this one banana that my big brother let me have…

Kenn: You’re welcome.

Robb: …and this water that tastes like warm piss.

Kenn: You’re welcome again.

CHEWY GUMS

Jan: We have to have a funeral for this dead baby bat!

Helen: At first I thought, thank God, Clay has finally succumbed. But then I realized it was actually a slimy bat embryo thing, much more attractive than Clay.

Brian: She named it “Oscar.” I was once in a movie where my “co-star” was named Oscar - Oscar M. Wiener - so I immediately thought they might like to eat it.

I’d like to comment on Jan’s habit of bending straight over at the waist, or the way her bathing suit was riding up in the front, but I’m trying desperately to get those images out of my mind.

Jan: (sobbing as she buries the bat) Ah thought Ah finally had me an alliance!

TREE MAIL!

This episode title
Is The Power of One
So you’d better think clearly
Or your time here is done

Whoever decides
Which flags you are choosing
Had better be right
Or the idol you’re losing

Clay: This immunity is Extremely Important. It’s Extremely Important that We Win Immunity, because if we don’t, we’ll be picked off by the other tribe after the merge. No one wants to see that! Right? Right?

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

Jiffy Probe: It’s a simple math challenge. <at which point I lost consciousness>

In a stunning move, the Suckies have Robb sit out the mental challenge.

And if there’s anything less funny than a math challenge, it’s a math challenge without Duuuude in it.

We are treated to the high drama of various survivors picking up various numbers of flags, and their futile efforts to do math in their heads. Riveting.

Shii Ann’s legendary smarts fail her, as she has to plead with the mental giants on her tribe to “help her think.” Perhaps she shouldn’t have had that second helping of chicken brains.

It turns out that Clay is the smartest person on the island. I think that statement speaks for itself.

Chewy Gum wins the not-at-all-biased Immunity Challenge!

SUCK GUYS - NIGHT 17

In a totally unrelated note, Tribal Council is not that same night. Isn’t TC usually the same night as IC? So the Suckies were drinking wine the night before the mental challenge IC, plus eating lots of fly-infested native food on weakened digestive systems. And now they have this night and all the next day together before going to TC. Plus a large amount of wine. Hmmm…a suspicious person might think that MB wanted the Suckies to be hungover, sleepy, and sick to their stomachs at the challenge, then have extra time and wine to either get sloppy drunk and make up, or sloppy drunk and fight.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Robb: My mind has been opened! I care about life so much! And bananas! Oh, how I cherish bananas!

Erin: He made all of us think, even me. Ow.

Robb: I used to only care about money and getting wasted. <takes a swig of wine>

All the Suckies have cathartic emotional outbursts about their love for each other and for “Skateboard Freak.” If saccharine blatherings uttered during a drunken sobfest could be bleeped out, we wouldn’t have heard a word. I think the CBS censors have their priorities all wrong.

Shii Ann, in the same spirit of honesty as her TC declaration that she loves this tribe, tells Robb that he’s a “really, really good guy.” Wow, I’m all choked up.

SUCK GUYS - DAY 18

Shii Ann informs us that, in spite of last night, they're still the Hate Tribe. Wah, and I was feeling all warm and fuzzy inside! Can’t we cuddle just a little while longer?

Jake: We love you, thanks for giving your ultimate for us. <CRAAAACK!!!!>

Shii Ann: Yeah, he caught a lot of balls, but too bad. Oh, you were talking to the chicken.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jiffy Probe: <beaming like a proud papa> You’re far less irritating to me than you were three days ago!

Erin: <she said a lot, I don’t remember any of it>

JP: Penny. The tone changed after the IC loss.

Penny: Yes, I went from bossy head cheerleader to bossy-but-sensitive head cheerleader.

JP: Robb. What’s it like for you, being the despondent underdog?

Robb: It was hard to watch them lose the challenge that’s getting me booted.

JP: I’m delighted at your experience, because I won my bet with MB. He was sure you’d be obnoxious brawling drunks, not sappy weepy drunks. See, he doesn’t rig everything.

Erin launches into another lengthy monologue. Remember when we were wondering if she could form a complete sentence? Don’t you miss those days?

JP: Time to vote.

Shii Ann: (voting for Rob) There’s an old proverb, and it goes something like this - a wise man knows stuff but doesn’t say much, he keeps quiet, speaks little, talks very sparingly; you know, he keeps his mouth shut and doesn’t use too many words. The fool doesn’t know squat but says far too much, he just won’t shut up, goes on and on, yacking away, thinking he’s a real smart cookie and knows all the answers when he’s actually a clueless idiot; you know what I’m saying, he just talks and talks and talks. So anyway, you know what I mean. I was just starting to not completely loathe you.

Robb: Shii Ann, no hard feelings baby. Even though I’m writing my vote as Shit Head.

JP: I’ll go tally the votes, and end this excruciating suspense that the viewers have been enduring all show.

The tension mounts, as we wonder whether Clarence will get another vote.

JP: For only the second time ever, I have no idea who a vote is for. What’s this? (Holding up the “Shit Head” card)

Robb points at Shii Ann.

JP: For god’s sake, write a name! This could have been for any of you!

Next vote: Rob.

Robb: Two “b”s!

JP: Rob. Rob. Rob. Sorry, Rob, your two “b”s are not to be. Bring me your torch.

Robb leaves the Tribal Council area immediately, if “immediately” means after ten minutes of schmoozing and blubbering.

JP: Robb is responsible for your spiritual growth, and you voted him off. I guess you’d kick the Dalai Lama out of bed for eating crackers, huh? I’m disgusted with you all over again.

It turns out that Robb was the most spiritual person on the island. I think that statement speaks for itself.