Normally, I would wait for the official review to be posted, but I am leaving on vacation and I wanted this posted before I left, so without further ado...

Survivor 5 Episode 3--International American Sadiatiors!

Welcome to International American Sadiators, the show where we take 16 pathetic Americans, place them in a country known for prostitution and Yul Brenner, at let them act out their wildest Gladiator fantasies for you, the poor at home audience.

International American Sadiators is brought to you by Saturn Vu.   1 in 8 Survivors agree, a good Vu is a sold Vu. And by Snickers.   Want to feed 8 starving people?   Give them a Snickers, it really, really, satisfys that gnawing hunger feeling.   International American Sadiators is also brought to you by the Thailand Tourism Board where we Baht what you want. Here are your hosts of International American Sadiators, Brandon Quinton and Zoe Zanidakis!

Brandon: Thank you and welcome to International American Sadiators, the
show that allows you to go Roman without leaving your living room! Hello, Zoe.

Zoe: mumble mumble yo mumble mumble. Brandon, mumble, mumble, race, mumble?

Brandon: Thank you for asking. After my wildly successful stint on Survivor, I took up the sport of drag racing. I had to give it up due to an injury--I kept twisting my ankle in those heels.
(audience laughs)

Brandon: (dabbing eye with tissue to keep mascara from running) Seriously, tonight you are going deep inside the world of the Sadiator. You will see their camps, witness their strange mating habits and witness the round where the winning team will win a couple of genuine Thai soldiers as their personal love slaves (audience: "OOOOOhhh" applause).   All of this excrement, er, excitement will lead up to the big finale.   There, the two tribes will compete to see which one will stay intact while the defeated will have to sacrifice one of their own to the evil Thai God, Probst.   We will bring you highlights of that ceremony at the end of the show.

Zoe: mumble mumble mumble meet mumble mumble.

Brandon:   I can't wait to meet the Sadiators, either, but let me explain how we will bring out our Sadiators.   Following traditions set at Caeser's Palace, after the Sigfried and Roy show, audience members were given a Roman Gladiator name and were allowed to choose a nickname that best describes their personality.   We will honor that tradition by announcing the contestant, showing their Sadiator name and personality nickname and, as an added bonus, we will be listing the Sadiator's personal finishing move.

Zoe: mumble mumble mumble meet mumble.

Brandon: Ok, girl, I swear she's acting like a Chihuahua in heat.

Let's meet the Sadiators!

Tribe 1

Lemmings On Some Enigmatic Reality Show
(LOSERS)

Erin
Sadiator name: Hugus Boobus
Nickname: Peaks
Finishing move: Parton My French

Robb
Sadiator name: Bigus Doofus
Nickname: Captain Caveman
Finishing move: the Neander Fall

Shii Ann
Sadiator name: Notda Moleus
Nickname: Dorothy
Finishing move: The Cooper Scooper

Ken
Sadiator name: Bustus Yourassus
Nickname: Dunkin
Finishing move: The Miranda Right Elbow

Stephanie
Sadiator name: Nakedus Broadus
Nickname: Butch
Finishing move: Heeelllo, Kitty!

Jed
Sadiator name: Gabeus Lookalikeus
Nickname: Christopher Atkins
Finishing Move: Unknown. It seems he never finishes anything

Jake
Sadiator name: Oldus Dudeus
Nickname: Saggy
Finishing Move: The Ben Gay D-Day

Penny

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Sadiator name: Sheus Invisibalus
Nickname: Veesus
Finishing Move: i'll let you know when we see her

Let's meet the other tribe:

Fraternal Order of Geeks and Eggheads, Yes, Sir! (FOGEYS)

Clay
Sadiator name: Littlus Manus
Nickname: Flea
Finishing Move: Monroe Death Whine

Ghadia
Sadiator name: Maximus Bootius
Nickname: Whoopi
Finishing Move:   Crack kills

Jan
Sadiator name: Oldus Bagus
Nickname: Granny
Finishing Moves: The Thindy Brady and the Clamp It

Helen
Sadiator name: Coldus Bitchus
Nickname: Sir
Finishing Move: The Ice Box

Brian
Sadaitor name: Pornus Starus
Nickname: Nub
Finishing Move: Viagra Falls

Ted
Sadiator name: Largus Manus
Nickname: Michael Clarke Duncan Finishing Move: The Green Mile

Announcer: In sacrifices held before broadcast, John (Crankius Pastorus) met his maker and Tanya (Vomitus Oftenus) hurled her way to the evil Thai god, Probst.

Brandon: There you have it, our 16 Sadiators.   Before we get to our big finale, let's see what the two tribes are up to....

Brandon (speaking the rest of the article): It is monsoon season and that means that the island is ready to mate. The ants are shown in heat and Clay is fanning his phermone in the hopes of attracting chipmunks or other rodents similar to himself. Ghandia and Ted are making goo-goo eyes at each other and are shown snuggling and grinding in the moonlight. Brian, the Heloise of the Porn world, is busy giving pointers and helpful hints using palm fronds off camera. Even inanimate objects seem to be in heat as the O O in Sook Jai (Thai for LOSERS) is prominately displayed.

Things aren't going as good over at Camp LOSERS. They are all lying around looking like they are suffering from a real nasty hangover. The are quick to admit that they suck at life in general and we are given a close up shot of Jake's feet. They wouldn't show things like that on CSI, but Mark Burnett had to go there. I will be making some money off of this situation. I have a new weight loss product coming out soon called Jakedrine. All it encompasses is a big picture of Jake's feet. Stick this picture on your fridge, and you'll never want to go near it again.

Sook Jai has a big net, but don't know how to use it. Jed and Robb go frolicing in the ocean dragging the net behind. Never mind the fact that it scares the fish, but they manage to catch one fish the size of a guppy and the 8 people feast happily on it (remember, Snickers really satisfies).

Morning at Chuay Guan (Thai for FOGEYS), isn't much better. Brian is tired from his directing debut. Ghandia feels cheap from the whole situation and Ted is whistling Disney tunes. Chandia desides that she needs to confess to the cameraman and the world that Ted did something wrong. It seems that little Ted was knocking at the cat door. Ghandia didn't like this. Her problem is that he is a married man and he should have respected her as a married woman. Now you should have respected your marriages and not done this on national television. Ghandia, girlfriend, it takes two to tango. If you didn't want to dance, then sit this one out. But you had to go on and play Miss Tina and be Ted's private dancer. Ted and Ghandia talk and Ted claims to not realize it was Ghandia and thought it was his wife. This doesn't say much for Ted's wife. Ted apologizes and he and Ghandia make up. This would make one heck of a movie or an ABC Afterschool Special.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

It's time for our main event! The FOGEYS are shown limbering up and slapping Icy Hot on each other. Our Sadiators has a task to do. They must pillage each other's boats. If two members of a tribe get on the specially marked black area, they may kick some ass. They are playing for a pair of Thai soldiers specially trained in reality television survival. The starts off very uneventful like most overhyped events, but our first confrontation happens. It's Robb vs. Ted. It seems Ted is taking on Robb doggy style. Robb lunges and Robb trips over him. I guess he didn't see him there. Our second match is under way--it's Shii Ann vs. Brian. Not much of a fight, Brian grabs Shii Ann's wrist and she melts to his touch. It's in the script. Our next match features Brian vs. Ken. It starts off close, but since Brian is not used to wrestling with a guy, he loses. Ken takes on Helen next, but he is not within the black area and gets disqualified. Robb chokes Clay and gets disqualified and Stephanie rises up out of the ocean like the Creature From The Black Lagoon to take out Ted and is also disqualified. Jed gets disqualified for attacking Brian. What a great team that is. It seems that the FOGEYS may actually win something. Ghandia is so excited she starts barking like a St. Bernard. Lo' and Below, the planets align and the FOGEYS win.

The LOSERS are upset that they didn't win the love slaves. Robb does something truely dangerous and talks. Robb gave us these words of wisdom: "We got beat today, dude, but it wasn't by someone better than us. OK, I'm not going to be a sore loser, we lost, dude. We lost by a bunch of rules....." He is also upset that the reward wasn't a turkey. Please keep in mind that this is one of Arizona's most eligible bachelors. My advice to all the single women in Arizona? Move out of state. There is no hope.

The FOGEYS get the soldiers/love slaves. They point out that everything is edible and pull a Martha Stewart by making an entire table setting for 8 out of bamboo. While the soldiers are stirring up the stew, Ghandia is busy stirring the pot and tells everyone about her little tryst with Ted.

Back at LOSERS, Robb and Jed have written a script called "Dude, Where's My Net?" It's the story of two dudes who accidentally lose the one valuable item they have and spend the afternoon finding it.
(AresMars, I promise you I wrote this on Thursday)

Ghandia's story gets the FOGEYS into a tizzy. Brian and Ted go swimming and Ted tells Brian that nothing happened. Brian slips Helen a note in study hall saying nothing happens. Helen runs and tells Ghandia during recess that nothing happened. Ghandia loses it completely. She bellows like a Moose in heat, punches trees and hurls rocks. Ted has had enough and calls a group meeting. Everything is brought out into the open and the tribe is united again. Let's compete for immunity.

Immunity is a mind puzzle dealing with a styrofoam temple. They have to move pieces of from one platform to another. Evil Thai God Probst tells us they will have to use their collective brain power to win. The LOSERS are screwed. Sure enough, they lose and are off to tribal council.
We get to the council and meet up with Probst. He explains the rules of the ceremony and throws annoying questions at everyone. Time to vote. We are not shown everyone's vote except we know that the two up for nomination are Jed and Shii Ann. Probst goes to tally the vote and grabs the urn that once held someone's ashes. In a stunning (not really) move, Jed is sacrificed.

Wow! What a great episode! Please tune it next week when we experience the same crap, different week. Ted and Ghandia are still at it. The tribes also receives dummies. The LOSERS cannot tell it apart from Robb.