Scene 1: Moderator's Office

SherpaDave: Sorry you're not feeling well, Bebo. Have some coffee - and this time, I've put some Bailey's in it so that you'll feel better.

IceCat: Here hon, I've brought you some cool sigpics to look at while I massage your feet.

Webby: Here are some links to fantasy sports sties to get you ready for the weekend. I'll fluff your pillows while you check them out.

Sleeeve: I've drawn your bath for you, Beeebs, and I'll wash your back for you.

AyaK: Here's the champagne and chocolates. After all, you did declare Lindt chocolate truffles the official chocolate snack food of Survivor 5, didn't you?

Survivor?

I wake up. Damn. Oh well, at least I've had my first Sleeeve dream.

Previously on Survivor...

Steffy got nak-ey. Erin's boobies.

I wrest the keyboard away from Mr. Bebo and make him promise that he will never, ever again attempt to help me with a summary. Once I hand him a cookie and the Victoria's Secret catalog, he gleefully sits on the couch and lets me work.

Opening credits, commercials, blah blah blah...TAR3. Please let it be better than this load of bat dung.

Chewy Gum, Day 4 - Buncha Stiffs

We start with images of creepy things - ants...monkey...bats... snoring...Hey, the dweeb is even more annoying when he's asleep. Who'd have thunk it.

After Ghandia whines, it's time for Helen and Jan's Feeble Adventure. Two people...off on some routine expedition...so sure of where they're going that they forget the map...can you see where this is headed? I knew you could.

Time to introduce our first Survivor toy (other than Jed) - the Helen Unintentional Humor meter (aka HUH). Since she's so obviously the life of the Survivor party, we look forward to joining in her wild uninhibited spirit to enjoy Thai life to the fullest. We've just had HUH #1.

Mr. Bebo switches the channel, and we're suddenly watching the Thai Golf Classic. Cheap-ass tournament with only 3 holes, all competitors sharing the same equipment, and the course is one big sand trap.

Helen gripes about Jan not having her upper body strength. Um, how much upper body strength does it take to pick up a freakin' map? (HUH #2) Helen said she got to the point where if she had a gun, she would shoot Jan, then herself. Promises, promises. (HUH #3)

Suki Suki

Jake talks about The Shelter being a priority. We got that, Jake, when we saw every freakin' moment in Episode 1 devoted to The Shelter. Ken shows off the gutter system, then pulls out the plans for the garage and day care center. While the worker bees continue obsessing about The Shelter, Steffy and Herbie sit by the fire and laugh at them. Jed gets the food, Steffy gets the water. Ken calls Jed freakin' lazy. I adopt the freakin' adjective for every freakin' chance I get. Dooode babbles.

Chewy Chewy

Darth Vader, Yoda, and Han Solo are wondering why C-3PO and Greedo haven't gotten back yet.

We interrupt this summary for a brief fantasy...Han Solo in a porn movie. Mmmmmmm... gives new meaning to jumping into hyperspace...We now return to our regularly scheduled summary.

While Jan bails out the boat, Ms. Personality 2002 finally finds the water. Good thing, too, because while she fills the water jug, she tells us that she's dehydrated. Um, she's dehydrated while she's at a water supply. To think I accused Doooode of a brain deficiency (HUH #4). Happy Helen said that God put the water site into her mind. She has obviously forgotten what happened to the last person in her tribe who relied on God - that would be Loser Lodge John.

When they finally return, they are tard. (For you non-southerners, that means tired.) Ted brings the boat in while we're treated to comments about Jan's ass being pyinefil (Again, for the non-southerners, that means painful. Good thing I'm fluent in Southern.) Jan, you don't have a pain in the ass, you are a pain in the ass.

Suckies

Father Jake finally tells the drones that The Shelter is within acceptable parameters, so he will now allow them to eat. We finally learn the answer to that famous riddle, "How many Sook Jai does it take to get crabs?" And yes, the answer does involve Erin.

(edited to swear on my Mark Burnett voodoo doll that I wrote this before I read Hawk's questions)

When the crabbies return, Shii Ann wonders where the celebration was. Why weren't they boiling water? Oh, you silly girl, that only happens on TV when a baby is being delivered in an snowbound cabin when the woman suddenly goes into labor in a hilarious but heartwarming "very special episode". Since this episode is not very special (it's not even special), there's no boiling water.

Herbie, Steffy, and Dooode don't join in the All You Care To Eat Seafood Buffet. Then they decide to sleep outside instead of checking into the Comfort Inn Sook Jai. Sleeping outside...in monsoon season...can you see where this is going? I thought you could. Dooode and Steffy show that they don't have the sense to come in out of the rain.

Commercials

Sucky Snit (aka Good Morning Thailand)

The suckies whine. First, Jake whines that Herbie slept like a baby inside The Shelter. Then Jake whines that Steffy did not sleep in The Shelter. Jake, pick a side of the fence to b!tch on and stay there. Apparently, Steffy's turn-ons include long nights in the rain, hot coals, and previously hot coals extinguished by long nights in the rain. What she failed to tell them was that her turn-ons also include catching cold and putting a target on her back by isolating herself from the group.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Chewy Gum's Dance Party

Brian's playing with his luxury item, and this time I mean his guitar. Ted shows that his resemblance to Barry White does not extend to his singing voice as he mangles that golden oldie "I Want Some Steak...and Some Mashed Potatoes". The Chewies are obviously struggling with brain damage due to hunger, because they declare it their FAVORITE.SONG.EVER. Meanwhile, the monkey watching from his special perch thinks, "I paid five freakin' coconuts for this? So much for the new freakin' exhibit at the Thai Zoo."

It's Helen's 20th anniversary, and the best gift she could think of for her husband was to be thousands of miles away. The Chewies decide to give her a present. They act all secretive and make her think her present is a boot at the next Tribal Council...all to make her the Thai May Queen.

Cavemail!

You spend all day on your tush,
Now we want you to play in the bush (heh, heh, heh)
We'll laugh as you smack into tree
Since a reward you'll never see

Ghandia vows to distract the other team with her cleavage.

Um, did you see Erin? Even this straight female knows that after 5 days of Erin, you wouldn't get a second look.

Tanya, in a rare Survivor moment of intelligence, reminds her that the other team will be blindfolded.

Foreshadowing...Tanya, you're too smart to stay.

Reward Challenge

Officially, the challenge is to carry a light member in a funny looking thing while blindfolded, and the lightweight will untie bags at each station. Actually, this is just a chance for us to laugh our asses off while the dimwits run into poles and trees and yell ow. Favorite moment? I'm torn between Jake and Herbie falling down, and Tanya directing Brian to crash into a tree. The Suckies get the reward (although the true winners were all the Stooges fans in the audience).

Commercials

Chewy Love Night

Ted: We need to win.

Bebo: Duh.

Jan: Cain't lit this git meral dayun.
Translation: Morale is crucial. We must stay strong.

Helen: I'm a Red Sox fan, we always believe there's tomorrow. (HUH #5)

Does this mean the Suckies are the Yankees? I always thought the Yankees sucked. Too bad they win everything.

On a personal note, Webby, I'm sorry I have to make jokes about your Sox. Go ahead and remind me of the Orioles ill fate this year. Of course, then I'll just have to retort by asking when the Red Sox last won the World Series. But I digress...

Helen was asked to sit down, and, in true paranoid fashion, wonders if they're voting her out. Um, Hel, that was a reward challenge you lost today. (HUH #6)

Her tribemates show their hatred for her by torturing her. Porno boy slaps at his luxury item while the other belch out "Happy Anniversary". Ew, no wonder Tanya puked.

Song time!

This was a real nice clambake
So far we're really lame
The vittles we et
Made Tanya sweat
And she's purging yet again...

Brian's worried about cute little Tanya, and he wants to nurse her back to health...in his own special way...

* cue porno music *

Bow bow chicka chicka bow bow

Hmmm, the sweet young thang and the used car salesman. It's been done.

Clay finds squid on the beach and surprise, surprise! Helen knows how to clean and prepare it.

Clay: She's such a smarty pants, and a smarty pants is no fun.

Sucky Treemail

You purple guys suck
But Chewy just blows
And now we all watch
Erin's breasts go heave-ho
The petals of flowers
In water will flow
And Tribal Council's
Where Chewy will go

Tribal Council is another puzzle...what, did Les Moonves give Mark Burnett The Big Book of Puzzles for a Christmas gift? Will Ghandia get a chance to screw up another puzzle? The task is to haul styrofoam through water to make a pretty flower.

First in the water are the stud puppies. The water shots were too short for the female and gay male audience. Then it's Jake and Helen. Doode goes against Jan, who struggles. Penny gives the advantage back by tagging out to Herbie, who manages to continue despite the proximity of Ghandia's cleavage. Speaking of cleavage, Erin flails into the water (not even the Russian judge could like that alleged dive) but treats the male and lesbian audience to an underwater breast closeup as she squares off against Ted. In the end, it's Steffy vs. Clay. Anyone guess how this turns out? I thought you could. It's a simple rule of tennis - Steffy always triumphs on Clay.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Dooode grabs the Pier 1 Immunity Idol ($12.95 this week only) as Jiffy makes a Chewy date.

Commercials...no comments because the joy of taping is being able to fast forward. Kinda like I do when Ghandia or Dooode open their mouths.

Chewy Gooey Whatcha Gonna Dooey?

Ghandia rests her hand on Ted's thigh. Wait a minute, who's the porn star here? And is this foreshadowing?

Clay starts talking about dumbass mistakes. Um, why no mention of the anchor guy losing to a sick girl?

Jan: Ahm sawree, ah koodint fahnd uh ho-yuk.
Translation: I failed to see the hook attachment in the middle of the line, costing us valuable time. I apologize profusely for my oversight.

Ted, Clay, and Ghandia head for the pool.

Ghandia: Helen gets on my nerves.

Survivor 101 Editing pop quiz! Who thinks Helen's getting voted out? Raise 'em high. Go back and read the freakin' manual, you losers.

Helen: Everyone loves Tanya.

No, that's not the name of a new CBS spinoff, it's foreshadowing.

Tribal Council - A Chewy Habit

Ted: Morale's declining, but we're still a family, especially since I'm safe.

Jiffy: Ghandia, is Ted a liar?

Ghandia: I'll say nice things now, but tomorrow I'll call him the biggest damn liar on this island. Look at my cleavage, feel its power.

Clay: They think we're a wash, because we always lose. But one of these days, they'll know what it feels like to go to Tribal Council, since we'll all be gone.

Tanya: I had no idea it would be this hard...(Is this the catch phrase for S5?)...but Brian has proven to be quite...handy.

Helen: I thought they hated me, but when they put the flowers on my head and sang to me, I knew it. I really was touched by their gesture, but if I barfed, they might vote me out instead of Tanya. I'm telling everyone I'm under orders not to cry in a feeble attempt to cover the fact that I'm an android.

Jiffy: Ghandia, how will you vote?

Ghandia: With the power of my cleavage. I'm voting on mesh. Brian, get over here so I can write on that thong you showed us earlier.

Jan: Ahm votin fer the better of the gru-yup.

Jiffy: Jan, you can't vote for yourself.

The votes:
Tanya ?
Helen ?
Brian - Tanya, whom he loves like a sister...or at least like his sister in the film "Family Affair, Doggy Style"
Clay ?
Jan ?
Ghandia - Commander Data
Ted ?

Jiffy picks up the Official Survivor Thailand Vote Holder/Ice Bucket ($49.99 from cbs.com)

Tanya...The Robot...Commander Data...Tennessee...Tennessee...OK, gang, we're not picking college football winners here...

After chastising Turd Ferguson and Sean Connery for their pathetic behavior during Celebrity Jeopardy ("I asked for a name, not a state!"), Jiffy tells Tanya to grab her torch without barfing.

As she leaves, she blows a kiss. Ghandia blows back and tells her she loves her. Brian smiles. Jan cries - nobody loves her.

Jiffy tells them that togetherness will help them overcome their lameness. Um, do we have some foreshadowing here?

Next week on Survivor

YOU.WON'T.BELIEVE.YOUR.EYES!

It's Battle of the Network Stars!
- See "Ally McBeal's" Lucy Liu take on former NFL star turned actor Rosey Grier.
- Watch Greg Evigan from "BJ and the Bear" go head to head with Dawson himself, James Van Der Beek.
- Will "That 70's Show's" Ashton Kutcher strangle Jason Alexander? I must say, I understand after that whole Bob Patterson fiasco and those stupid KFC ads.

And then, welcome to Sex, Lies, & Videotape:
- She says he wants him.
- He says she's the least attractive primate on the planet.
It's Ghandia vs. Ted in the next episode of...Chewy Gum Justice.