Previously on Survivor:

John got his ass booted off. There is really nothing else to say. Fans around the word cheered, John cried like a freshman girl who just got dumped by the Senior Class President, and MB realized that he had to do something to keep those ratings high.

Fortunately, I managed to get a copy of his editing notes and see how he planned it.

MB’s notepad: Hype up a power shift. Okay—we have done this one to death, but they fall for it every time. We’ll use promos out the wazoo to promote the obvious.

Use the powerfall—that one is working and the nuts on the spoiler boards seem to really think I have imagery……

Catfight—nothing better than having two women fight—wonder how we could get them in the mud…we could digitally alter the photo and have Tammy lose her top….or maybe we could digitally alter Zoe so she has some personality……

Keep Kathy dressed and covered at all costs and for the love of God, can we enhance her a bra in there somehow?

Sex That is the one thing we haven’t had any of since Saraho left…that would really get people talking……that’s it…we’ll add a love element to the show…but who………?

And so, Episode 9 begins, but not before CBS tries to entice us just one more time with a long, supposedly haunting ad for what looks to be one of their biggest cinematic stinker yet, Living With the Dead. I implore you, my fellow Survivor fans, please do not watch this movie. Don’t give them the idea that they can pound us over the head for 3 months and make us watch Ted Danson doing anything except be a bartender. Don’t even channel surf past it, lest they get the idea that people wanted to see this. I can only imagine what they would cook up for Survivor 5’s big movie—something starring Ray Ramano. **shudder**

Soliantu Day 25

The waterfall. Sean is singing at the top of his lungs, disproving that myth that all black men have rhythm and can carry a tune. Vee, Pappy, Neleh and Kathy swim and gloat with him. Evidently the time on the island has not only made Sean cockier, but also helped him over his fear of the water as he leaps in without his swimmies now and actually swims around some. Amazing improvement over the last 24 days. He talks about the new spirit that is surrounding the Love Tribe/Rotuamu/Soliantu/The Underdogs

Pappy, in a confessional, then makes one of the many dumb statements that make you wonder what the hell he was doing playing Survivor in the first place.

Pappy: Don’t try and manipulate people.

Uh, okay Pap. That might sound good now, but what the heck are you going to do when you are out of obvious targets, hmmm? Take this moment to thank MB for putting you on the dominant tribe early on, or your honorable ass would be floating around with Peter and the gang with that brilliant strategy.

NeleduH, in a confessional, speaks the thoughts of all of us as we see the promo shot from the past 7 days in its entirety.

NeleduH: Like, we beat them at their own, like game **giggle, giggle**, like it was hi-lar-ee-ous!

MB’s notepad: No way to work in sex just yet, damn. Someone Neleh take off some clothes, do something. Okay—we’ll go patriotic

Pan the camp, use some spooky music, and show some bones, the US flag, then the Soliantu flag. The juxtaposition is, I suppose, intended to make us think of the little tribe that could as some sort of Revolutionary War-type of underdogs who managed to overcome the great, stifling force and create the strongest country on earth…or it could be just a camp shot.

Tammy notes that the other five are quite happy—gee, wonder why. For much of the rest of the episode, she looks like she just got a peek at the mirror and saw what the Marquesan sun was doing to her formerly youthful complexion. Her cocky meter is reading about –2 at this point. She and the General sit on a log and bemoan the fact that they are now the ones wearing targets, along with Zoe, who is already sucking up. Tammy uses this time to pick her teeth and spit on national TV and further erode her sexy quotient.

MB’s notepad: Can’t they at least rub up against each other….Christ. Spitting? WTF am I supposed to do with spitting? I thought I had the spitter out of here. Take off your shirt, do something.

The power group now sits on around and congratulates themselves on being so honest and forthright…..blah, keep our word, blah, honest, blah, integrity blah is really all I heard.

Then the showdown. Tammy versus Zzzzoe. Turns out, according to Zzzzoe, that she was only in a loose friendship. There was never an alliance between her and the three people she swore to ally herself with. She never agreed to a thing. This is, of course, news to Tammy and the rest of the world who heard her say she would never vote them off. Zzzoe is also wearing that unfortunate smirk of hers—across the nation millions are begging Tammy to just slap her. Instead, we are treated to Tammy in a confessional.

Tammy: Zoe’s a b!tch.

My thoughts exactly Tammy. And it takes one to know one.

MB’s notepad: The tree mail is about nuts. Hard nuts. Nuts that will have to be broken. Surely to God, we can get some action with all the innuendo possibilities here.

Spoilers got this one right on the nose. The group has been divided into pairs to try and fill up a giant phallic tube with coconut milk (you can figure that imagery out on your own). They may choose to pick up the dead and dried up coconuts from the beach or swim out and get the huge, juicy coconuts from the ocean. They have to smash them on rocks and drain them into the tube. First one to win gets to go to a Marquesean Orgy.

Sean/Pappy; Tammy/Inveesible; Kathy/General; NeleduH/Zzzzzoe

The race begins. So many nuts, so little time. Immediately, they scatter like rats to retrieve the nuts. The General, btw, still has an amazing love handle (and I don’t mean that in a good way) despite the crash diet for 24 days. NeleduH and Vee have their hands full of nuts, but can’t seem to keep them up. They run, drop, run, drop. Sean gets the first break.

Jiffy: Those are some healthy coconuts, Sean

Yikes!

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

NeleduH finally gets some nuts and stands around watching Zzzzzoe be a nut breaker in a very butch sort of way. Tammy and inveesible are hopelessly behind the rest. Jiffy tries to assure them that they are still in it, but we all know better. We don’t see them again. Evidently once you are teamed with Vee, her inveesible powers overtake you. Kathy and the General are making a pretty good go of it. Not surprisingly, Kathy is a good nut breaker.

Sean runs out of nuts and stands at their chute yelling “Paaaappppyyyyy” in a very bad Brando imitation. Quick cut to Pappy falling down and dropping his nuts. He manages to scoop up two and runs Baywatch style, one nut in each arm, to Sean where they manage to top off their vial and win.

Their celebration finally gives MB the angle he wanted.

Sean and Pappy fall to the ground in a move straight from the classic From Here To Eternity. They lie down, waves rushing over them in a passionate embrace as the rest of the group stands by dumbfounded as Jiffy comments on their being the “most unlikely pair”.

MB’s notepad: Holy Sh*t!! Now I have it. “The Most Unlikely Pair” They will play into all the sexual fantasies--we’ll take this one to the top. Black/white, May/December. South/North, married/single, weak/strong… and America seems to like the gay people now—look at Will and Grace.

Commercial break---God help us, there is another commercial for that damned movie. Good time to get juice for the kids so they’ll calm down and I can finish watching the show.

Soliantu Day 26 (I think this is the right break--had to change a diper)

Back to camp—feel the love. It is everywhere. Wait!

VEE SPEAKS!

I was so stunned I didn’t take good notes—basically she was just happy that Sean and Pappy got to take a trip. Then on to Kathy and her usual insightful self.

Kathy: OMG <click>, it feels like they are going away!

Uh, duh, Kathy, they are. The helicopter arrives, the depart, we see lots of gorgeous scenery. Sean and Pap elaborate on how beautiful it all is.

Then they arrive at the horses. I know we were all shocked to learn that Sean had never been on a horse. Once again, an astute Survivor makes a brilliant deduction:

Sean: Horses are big animals.

And people wonder how he got to be a teacher.

Sean then provides us with some of the best comic relief since Amber tried to think and Tom’s boil talked to us. He attempts to mount the horse. Now, I went to camp at age 9 and managed to get on a horse unassisted and I didn’t have nearly the arms or the height of Sean. The horse kicks his ass. He can’t get on. He has to be thrown up there. Once he is on the horse, he has to ride double with a native—groping and yelling. As they ride off into the hills, he is bouncing up and down saying, “My balls, my balls, my balls!” MB cuts to him on a horse alone, being led like a toddler on the elephant ride at the zoo. So much for Black Power. With his hat pulled down, I couldn’t decide if he looked like an ethnic Gilligan or Barney Fife, but then he solved it for me. As they approach a gorgeous, lush camp, yet another profound remark:

Sean: This is better than Gilligan’s Island.

Skipper, I mean Pappy, has to be lifted off the horse and Sean comments on how ironic it is for a little black boy from Harlem to be on the beach with a southern white judge from Georgia. Never mind how ironic it is that his lazy ass is still on the island while Gina and Hunter are providing all the sex scenes back at the lodge.

A native approaches and Sean attempts to translate his message.

The native: Follow me.
Sean: Foe-low-me?...Fo-low…oh, follow me!

Incredible. They go to the feast where a goat is being cooked in the dirt and they are shown around the camp.

Pappy: This is probably not going to happen again in my lifetime.

Not unless MB is totally witless, Pap. Sean prays and then ….

MB’s notepad: Oral fixations….get lots of spit, lots of tongue and anything resembling male body parts and fluids

Porn style close ups follow. Pappy and Sean with their fingers wrapped around all kinds of phallic foods, licking and dripping cramming it in their mouths. Lots of grunting and lip smacking while a large Marquesan woman in a grass skirt looks on. Tighter shots as Sean begins to deep throat a big hunk of meat. I have an overwhelming urge to bathe and brush my teeth.

Thankfully, the next shot of Sean ruins the heat of the orgy as he rips a huge burp. Pappy says he feels like Julius Caesar (could there be foreshadowing?) and begins to fill his pants. They keep putting their hands under the table supposedly to stash food—I have my own ideas about whose hands are in whose pockets, though. They get lei-d and kick back to watch the dancing girls shimmy. Lots of giggling and quiet comments back and forth—much more intimate than Frank and Brandon ever got. You can feel the love.

I know this is supposed to be a summary, but I have to share just one more Pappyism before I move on.

Pappy: I will never hear another tribal drumbeat that I won’t think of this day……they are authentic…they didn’t care if they were voted off 1st, 9th, or 16th.

We won’t even discuss where Pap thinks he is going hear tribal drums in Georgia, now we know why he is so inept at the game and has to be led by NeleduH. He thinks that you actually vote off number 16. So what, does Jiffy get the money? Get back to camp already.

And so they do—after they share a post-coital moment and Sean cries a bit—the tribe approaches like roaches to eat the food that the lovers brought back. Sean has now dropped the brother talk completely in confessionals and makes a pretty good comment about the best victories being the ones you can share.

MB’s notepad: Ahhhhhhhhh. That was nice now for a cigarette. Maybe now no one will be paying close enough attention to Zoe and see what a total nitwit she is. How the hell did she get past my screeners?

Soliantu Day 27
Tammy confesses that she is desperate (duh) and must get Pappy and NeleduH back on the dark side (duh again). She and General try to woo Pappy by blaming everything on John Boy, but he is still under Sean’s spell and isn’t going anywhere. He is upset by their lack of sincerity. Vee is mentioned several times, but still inveesible. NeleduH makes it clear that she isn’t going to let Pappy fall for it.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

The General is grumpy and depressed and laments about being next which clearly shows us he is now safe. He won’t even go to the powerfall and play with the others. So, who will be next? Zzzzzoe is parading around with some bizarre get up involving her buff on her head, a shirt around her waist, her bikini top askew blathering on about being in an alliance by herself. Okay---now we know who is gone. The idiot who never watched Survivor before and buys into all of that Army of One bull.

Wait, she did see at least one episode—she begins to make shell jewelry a la the Mallrats. Obviously, she didn’t see what happened to them. Tammy, ever the shrewd one, sees straight through her… “Zzzzzoe is sucking up”. (duh again). Zoe takes jewelry orders from NeleduH and looks at everyone with that unfortunate smirk or an even worse simpering smile.

IC Tree mail time---stilt walking (no surprise to the spoilers—good job). The only surprise is the horrible boob stains Kathy now has on her shirt. How on earth did that happen? Were they trying to digitally add in that bra, but failed??

Tammy appears to be the only one with a brain at this point. The love and sex and depression have overtaken the rest of the tribe’s minds, except Zzzzoe who apparently has no brain to be overtaken. Tammy sits back and watches the rest of them practice making the totally biatchy but true comment.

Tammy: It’s fun to watch them. They suck.

MB wishes. A nice group sex scene would be infinitely better than watching this group on stilts. I’d almost even rather watch Pappy and Sean rolling on the sand.

MB’s notepad: IC involves women getting up on big poles and hanging on for dear life—surely someone could fall on top of their competitor and get some action…make as many pairs male female as possible and hope for an accidental penetration.

The stilt IC is all about Tammy. Her practice session pays off. She is a bad ass and MB plays it up to the hilt. They are put in a circle to face off one against the other in heats. Most of the group can’t even get up on the things. A whole host of premature ejection jokes here, but we'll move on. Tammy looks right at home. A great moment in the semis when Tammy and Zzzoe face off and Zzzzoe crumbles. Inveesible and Tammy are in the finals—Inveesible has at least improved, but still can’t stand up to Tammy. Tammy gets her necklace back.

Tammy: You have no idea how much I needed this.

Uh, yes we did. The others pretend to be happy and cheer for her and we see a couple more nasty pit shots.

Back to camp after a Phillips light bulb commercial that involved screwing to keep the sex theme running. Time for the pre vote confessionals and strategy. Zzzzoe looks like she has packed on 10 pounds in her bathing suit. Robert has really scary man boobs, and NeleduH’s hair is disgusting. NeleduH tries to explain how she is going to choose whom to vote for –Zzzoe the physical threat or Robert the downer. While we all know it should be a no-brainer, she seems truly puzzled by which would be the better choice. After all, camp is supposed to be happy.

Off to TC. They sit and then Jiffy calls in the Jury. First Loser John enters trying his best to look butch and make up for the sob scene we were treated to last week. He gives someone across the way a blistering glare.

Questions, questions. Sean cries because he misses his mom and actually comes across as sincere as opposed to last week’s gushing mom-love moment. The General zings Zzzoe right between the eyes and she sits there with that unfortunate smirk. Tammy, gotta love her bluntness, says there is no way in hell she is giving up immunity. She knows her butt is on the line and she would be voted out if she did.

They vote—no doubts about Zzzzoe’s vote this time. She votes General. Tammy votes Zzzzoe because “I just don’t like you”. The others are a secret until the revel. 7-1, Zzzoe is gone. She makes her way to Jiffy, gets snuffed and then turns to the crowd and whispers “faith and honor” whatever the hell that is supposed to mean. And she is gone.

We see another sex commercial involving a Zima, a nurse on skates and whipped cream, then back to the credits and Zzzzoe’s bizarre confession.

Zzzzzoe: I had no idea I was going to be voted off because I have no brain and couldn’t see that people thought I was a big lying suck up. **kiss** **wink**. GAG.

All gone—the previews are all about Vee’s birthday and tears, a boat and a challenge involving swimming again.

I am going to take a bath.