Previously on Survivor: Marquesas...

Robfadder and LoudKathy made a pact to protect each other during a feast of E-coli (hey, considering where they are, tell me you've never considered how they are able to keep the food looking hot and fresh?) and lots of ice cold beer to wash it down -- and conspired to destroy Coors' hard-earned reputation by getting so drunk on their watery beer and giving us LoudKathy's butt on national television, leaving us with the all-important question: "Did they do it?" Whoever advised LoudKathy to pack her black underwear for the S4 show ought to get a medal -- I'd hate to see what 21 days has done to it if it were any other color beside black.

Moomoo and Rot-U merge, we get a new tribal name: Solitude -- which is fitting coming from LoudKathy, considering she has alienated about half of the planet by now. Call it whatever you want, it's still the Rotu Show with all 10 at the merge having been a Rotu at one time or another.

Robfaddah confronts Zzzoe in the biggest mismatch of wits not seen on Survivor since Lamber went up against Tina and the Colbster in episode 11 of S2.

Robfadder gets the boot and goes to face Hunter on the undercard to the Joey Buttafuoco vs. John Wayne Bobbitt main event on FUX's "Celebrity Boxing."

Now onto the show...

Solitude Tribe (Night 21)

Tammy: (eyeing Paschal, Neleh, LoudKathy, Vee, Sean) Sorry we had to vote Robfaddah out, but hey cheer up guys, at least the 5 of you will be on the jury! You should feel good!

InVeesible: (*tapping camera* How do I know if this thing is on?) Before TC, I pulled Robfaddah aside and told him that I was going to vote for him.

It's heart-warming to know that Lex has got himself a protégé in learning how to tell someone you're going to stab them in the back before you actually do it.

I must ask now, what's the deal with MB's obsession with the wind? First we saw Malcolm Sean exercising his windy rectum and his continuous flatulence problem. Then we've got Pappy sleeping outside, no doubt because the tent is smelling like ass, downwind from the fire during a windstorm (real brilliant thinking there, Pappy) and then we see two trees snap and fall. And then as we'll see later in the show, we've got the kite RC with a strong wind blowing.

I've also got a bone to pick with MB about the buildup of the Pappy sleeping outdoors scene -- you'd have thought there was going to be a cannibal attack or something with the way the scene was set up.

Solitude Tribe (Day 22)

We then see Zzzoe and LoudKathy deep in conversation all alone. I went back to the video to check to see if Zzzoe actually spoke for herself or if MB simply hired one of his lackeys to speak on her behalf -- I wouldn't know for sure as nobody's ever heard her voice before, but believe it or not, it really does appear to be her voice.

LoudKathy: I'm confused. Was there an original alliance to vote me out? <*sniffing* boy, she really IS a fishing captain>

Zzzoe: Definitely not, LoudKathy. <Sure, and I'm Captain Queeg -- wait, since I'm not the brightest one around, does that mean I AM Queeg?>

LoudKathy: Okay. But was there one formed just to get Rob in a different position? <Mmmm THAT was a good position...>

Zzzoe: Yes, I tried to tell you yesterday. There was never any intention of voting you off in no way in hell. <ya, dream on, slut>

LoudKathy -- confessional: I think Zoe's been lying from the beginning. <Damn, I must be the last one on earth to have figured that one out>

LoudKathy: Whoever wins wins, <not you, over my dead body> but I don't want to be the pawn, you know?

Zzzoe: Right.

LoudKathy: So I'm going to fight tooth and nail to find out what's going on. But not to the point where I upset my friendships. <just you wait, beeyatch, I'm gonna rip that Joker smile off your face> I don't want to upset friendships with people.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Zzzoe: I don't either. <boy, she sure yaps a lot>

LoudKathy -- confessional: I was going to push her further on it, but I just decided for good negotiations, not to get voted off, I wanted her to feel a little guilty. <of course, I don't have a knife handy to backstab her with, so this will have to do for now>

LoudKathy: But I'm just happy that we got through this, and then when Sean's voted off... <after you, of course>

Zzzoe: One day at a time. <that reminds me... I gotta check on the calendar orders when I get back home>

LoudKathy: ...Then we'll deal with what we're doing with each other, all right? <move your hand a bit closer, Z.Z., see if I can't pee on it>

Now we're treated to yet another lame shot of the Solitude tribe splashing around at the waterfall, creating a new wave of spoiler speculation on the significance of the waterfall's power. Prince John and LoudKathy do their best impression of French skating judges with their voting of Paschal's dive into the water. Pappy gets a 5.8!

After the waterfall splash-a-thon, it's time for Treemail.

LoudKathy: Oh, my god, they're umbrellas!

If you think that's an umbrella, then no wonder you're a real estate agent, Kath. You'd describe an igloo as a "warm, cozy duplex with a runoff that turns into a swimming pool."

neleH: I got a kite and a new outfit out of this challenge!

Considering that she only weighed about 30 or so pounds, neleH attempted to submit herself as a kite for the RC. Jiffy said that wasn't allowed in the rulebook.

Jiffy explained that the purpose of the Whac-a-Mole® RC is to see how many moles they could nail with their kites. They'd be playing for a great prize... a bar of Snickers, or as Jiffy emphatically put it, "it ain't no regular Snickers either, it's the big one. Freshly chilled, on ice." This was the best you guys could come up with in terms of product placements? Wow, Africa really clobbered you guys in the pocketbook. The OMG clicker was dusted off and pressed into service as tiny bits of Snickers were given to each of them.

Next, we saw the sorriest group display of kite-flying you'll ever see. Pappy described his kite as a miserable failure. Tammy tried to bully and harangue her kite into flying instead of, oh let's say, running along the beach to get it up? Buckwheat said his kite was built by the Little Rascals.

LoudKathy obviously misunderstood the rules as her kite kept flying higher and higher -- it was decided that since LoudKathy wasn't having a whole lot of success getting along with the human race, she should try her luck with a different species -- namely the marine life. So, she was declared the RC winner by Jiffy.

Solitude Tribe (Day 23)

LoudKathy goes off to spend the day mingling with the sharks. It's hard to appreciate the spectacular scenery and be awed by the colorful fish because LoudKathy yammers on endlessly with the play-by-play commentary to not allow us to let it all sink in.

She returns to camp and beams proudly as her bribe of 1/8th of a Snickers bar is hopefully enough to buy their vote. They're stupid... but not that stupid.

Much discussion of alliance-building goes on -- of particular note is a conversation between Prince John and Pappy agreeing that Malcolm Sean should go before them. Pappy says that Malcolm Sean would be an embarrassment making it to the finals and John deserves it -- and he gives his word to Prince John.

Pappy: "When I give you my word, my word is the most important thing to me at my age." I don't have much, but I got that.

Well, besides your annual prostate exam, of course.

Prince John: Knowing that you can rely upon those two people (neleH and Pappy). It's an amazing experience; I mean it's actually kind of mind-blowing. I tell you, my buddy has got a pretty amazing concept called the DUMFUK Theory (Down/Up Made From UnKnown Theory) thanks to Bebo for this beauty that tells me Sean's getting the boot tomorrow! If not him, well it also says that any one of the other 7 can go, too! Just not me.

And, bingo, you now have a major foreshadowing of who's getting the boot... and it ain't Malcolm Sean.

Now off we go to the IC. Jiffy gives each contestant a cube and explains that each has three sets of coconuts tied to a tree and they would be asked questions and those who answer correctly would get a chance to take a hack at each other's nuts. Coconuts, that is.

The question topics ranged from the laxative effect of coconut milk, cannibalism, horses and sea cucumbers and the conversation was laden with innuendos galore. To wit:

The General: Sweetpea, whoa, you've been cracking some nuts.
The General: You look tired, Kathy.
Jiffy: LoudKathy ... joins Malcolm Sean and InVeesible. Paschal takes his first hit. <who knew Pappy leaned 'that way?'>
Sean: A little to the right, Prince John. Umm.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

In a nutshell, Tammy edged out the General to win immunity, Malcolm Sean went off the deep end once again in threatening to call Johnnie Cochran (psst. That act is getting old, buddy), but the real story was how blatantly the Rotu 4 rubbed into the faces of S/V/K/P/N about the bootee order plans and how they gloated so openly about it.

That sound you hear in the background is Webby's engraver getting to work on the 2003 Blowie Award for "Worst Game Strategy" for the Rotu 4.

Solitude Tribe (Day 24)

Once again, the mathematically-challenged Rotu 4 engage in a group hug in front of everyone as if the others were still unsure of where these four stood in the whole scheme of things.

Pappy: I don't know how to play this game. I have no clue how to play it. I don't want to know how to play it. I tend to lay back and watch the lay of the land and then when I think I've got the lay of the land figured out, I begin doing something.

Gee Pappy, don'tcha think that's a pretty good strategy in itself? You sly fella... did you think we were all born yesterday and would just stand around and get the wool pulled over our eyes? Finally, it seems that Dazed and Confused (a.k.a. neleH and Pappy) have woken up out of their collective comas to recognize what that was slapping them up-side the head... a game strategy.

Once again, Malcolm Sean moans about how assured he is of getting his ass kicked out tonight and vows not to go out as a wimp. Yep, he's safe and will continue to pass gas and feel free as a bird.

Tribal Council

This TC was particularly noteworthy for the guffaw level served up by various contestants who are so clueless in their own worlds they have no idea of what's going on.

Prince John called himself "Mister Integrity, Mister Honesty."
Pappy admitted he finally understood what the game is about... "today."
Malcolm Sean spouted out about being proud 100% of how he's played the game (hmmm), how he hasn't lied and how integrity is important to him.

The boys over at Merriam-Webster are going to have a real workout changing the definition of the word "integrity" in their next edition.

On with the vote. A bewildered Prince John gets booted by a 6-3 margin over Sean. Now who's smirking, Prince John?

Next Episode: Stop me if you've heard this one before, but it's going to be the most unpredictable show ever next week and there's a major "power shift." Yawn... we've seen all this before, haven't we? neleH giggles like a maniac over the fall of the Rotu 4 and somebody's going to a native party as a RC prize. We also have the recrap episode on Wednesday.

Prince John's Final Words:

"My abs are incredible! See how I did it by checking out my upcoming Ab Blaster 4000® video! And sorry, Mom, but you'll be going to a cheap nursing home. Snif! Sobbb!" We're then treated to a crying jag reminiscent of Jim Bakker from when he was being carted off to jail.

"I'm the General and that's that."
Robert DeCanio, April 11/02