Previously on “Survivor”…

Maramuu catches crabs; wins RC and grabs; the idol it nabs.

Rotu Day 15

At the waterfall, the General tells us that he, John, Tammy and Zoe have a Final Four pact. They are confident. John says the winner will come from their group. Ho hum, no need to watch the next six weeks, check back with us for the Final Four episode, ‘kay?

And what’s a Survivor season without a new gadget? This season it’s the“Leadership Announcements Made Excessively And Sans Substance“ Meter. Say, let’s listen in and see how John scores on the LAMEASS Meter:

John: I’m the leader. I’m in charge; calling the shots; the big cheese; bossman; high muckity muck; king of the hill; power broker; head honcho; blah blah blah…

Not satisfied with just figuratively showing his ass, John feels compelled to show it literally. In keeping with all the praying going on this season, may I say: Oh dear Jesus Christ almighty, have mercy on us. This situation just cries out for a Dicque joke, or a dick joke, or something. Mostly, it just makes me cry out: “For the love of God, put your clothes back on!”

John apparently comes from some bizarre country where leaders drop trou in front of their minions as a celebration of their power. This makes no sense to me. Wait a minute - on second thought, it worked for Bill Clinton.

Meanwhile, Rob and Sean are chillin' on the beach, and start a completely unsubstantiated rumor that Vee has an obvious, clear and visible strategy. This is just silly, as Vee herself hasn't even been visible lately. In any case, they don't trust her, and I think the Robfaddah has put a contract out on her. Ha, they'll never find her.

Maramuu Day 15

Apparently nothing new at all happens in this tribe, because we see them chasing crabs AGAIN. Ooooh, they try to outsmart the crabs, they squeal like cartoon characters, they get pinched. It’s a crazy job, done to wacky music, and a fit of salty language breaks out.

Kathy: Holy Mother McGrady, look at this dude!

Paschal: Gooollly!

Kathy: You booger! You booger! Booger head!

Paschal: You sorry son of a gun!

My goodness! The CBS censors are working overtime with this group!

They eat like kings and queens on this beach. Food is everywhere! They have more food then they could possibly ever need! Food, glorious food! Jeez, enough of the damn food scenes already!

Kathy: We never had breakfast or lunch at Rotu, not even brunch. We only had dinner, and it was usually something with John’s blood or my pee in it.

Rotu - Tree Mail!

They’re starving over at Rotu, and they couldn’t be more excited about the food Reward Challenge. John jumps up and down in a very leaderly fashion - that is, if he were the leader of a bunch of kindergarteners waiting to use the potty.

Reward Challenge

The Moos are in shock when they see that Gabe is gone. Kathy’s mouth gapes open even wider than usual.

Jiffy Probe describes the relay challenge and explains the rules veeeeeery caaaarefully. Mark, set, GO!

Rob sprints through the jungle like a gazelle; meanwhile Pappy lags behind, using his walker to boost himself over the logs.

John heads up shit creek without a paddle - literally. Wow, nice “leading”. Robert has to run back to get the oar, and this gives the Moos a chance to make up some ground. Still, Rotu has a big lead and should win handily…except…um, exactly whose idea was it to put the heaviest guy on the tribe in the back of the canoe? John racks up thousands of hits on the LAMEASS Meter with such commands as “Outside, no inside, inside, no right, left, no, left, lean to the left, lean to the right, stand up sit down fight fight fight! Steer, steer, you have to steer!“

Anyone else wonder how, oh I don’t know, GABE might have handled this challenge?

Really, this was the most hilarious challenge scene in a Survivor episode since Colby flung Jerri over the wall during the obstacle course.

So Rotu lets Moo back in it, but then Kathy forgets the flag! Rotu wins and a wild celebration erupts…until…

Maramuu: Robert wasn’t there! Robert wasn’t there!

Rotu: Hey, he was in the “general” area! <rim shot>

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

OK. So Probe, your ONLY job here is to enforce the rules of the challenge. And you not only miss Robert’s absence, but the fact that the boat wasn’t pulled to the chain - even though you kept hollering about it only seconds ago? You announce a winner without even checking these little details? Now we know how Colby got away with all that cheating. So if Lis had said, “Hey, that plate is chipped”, or Amber had said, “Wait, Colby took both carabineers off the line”, you would have reversed your call? Maybe Lex should have said, “Hold on, Lindsey does not have any piercings, I checked her thoroughly!” But don’t worry, Jiffy. If MB fires you, you can always get a job judging figure skating.

Picnic Time

The Moos attack the food like a pack of starving dogs, and thus begins an “Oh my God”-fest the likes of which has not been heard since Survivor 2. Although with this group, I’m surprised it wasn’t “Oh my gosh”. I hope they’re not going to hell now.

And make of this exchange what you will:

“We have to go slower so it will last longer.”
“It’s so hard, though.”
“Oh, it’s so hard.”
“Oh my God, what’s in here?”
“An old guy like me with three women!”

Meanwhile, back at Starvation Plantation…

Rob: I did my job and smoked an old man and a little girl. I am the greatest of all time. Then Dumb and Dumber took over. Speaking of Dumb and Dumber, I miss Sarah’s b00bs.

John: Did you see that food? We didn’t want that food anyway. It’s all gassy food. I’m already full of enough gas. They’re over there crapping right now. I’m already full of crap. I’m the leader so I won’t apologize. Leadership means you never have to say you’re sorry. (Yo John, this ain’t the “Love Story” tribe any more…)

Sean: The hell you say. I want some chicken! I might as well spend all day crapping, what else is there to do anyway?

Maramuu Night 16

We now join the memorial service for Gabriel, already in progress…

Neleh: (reading) “In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the Rotu sleep tonight…“ Gabe wrote this poem for Paschal. Gabe was like the son Paschal doesn’t have and couldn’t dress his daughters up to look like.

Paschal: He was too young! Only 23 years old. What a kid…it’s all different now on the old tribe.

Neleh: It makes me so sad.

Gina: He shouldn’t be gone!

Kathy: He was very talented.

Paschal is overcome with emotion and leaves the service. It’s always hardest for those left behind.

As Day 17 dawns, everyone looks very chipper; Kathy even beats on her own stomach. Hey, where are all those farting and crapping scenes we were promised? How come no one is puking or wiping their butt with a leaf? Why doesn’t the whole beach smell like ass? This tribe truly is God’s Favorite.

But…storm clouds are brewing. Kathy is worried that Gina will replace her in the hearts of NelehPaschal. While Gina interacts sweetly with NP, offering them gifts of fruit, Kathy wields the machete, scowling darkly. What does it all mean? (Um, it means Gina is getting the boot - DUH!)

Rotu Day 17

Rob questions Zoe about her alleged “alliance”. Zoe says it’s just a “friendship.” Rob suspects it’s a “friendship” the way his hero the Godfather has “friendships.” He basically threatens her, and she basically looks like she’s ready to pound him to a pulp. Ah, I can dream, can’t I?

Rob asks John if they are an alliance of four. John says yes. Wow, call the cops, alert the media - a dastardly conspiracy has been uncovered by our intrepid detective Rob! A group of four original tribe mates who still spend all their time together are in an alliance! Is this allowed?

Jiffy Probe: Yes, alliances are allowed. Or, no maybe not. Oh, what the hell do I know about the rules? Never mind.

Rob: Do I have "Stupid" written on my forehead?

Well, Rob, I never thought I’d say this, but after watching this episode I’d have to say, no, you do not have “Stupid” written on your forehead. “Hypocritical, Ignorant, Confrontational, Homophobic, Obnoxious, Arrogant, Nauseating, Manipulative, Bully”, yes, but not “Stupid”. “Stupid” is written on your penis. In little, tiny letters.

**********SPOILER ALERT**********

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

During this exchange, I noticed two out-of-focus figures conversing in the background. After zooming in, watching in super slo-mo, and magnifying the vid caps, I can confirm beyond a doubt that Vee is, in fact, still on the show.

**********END SPOILER**********

John promises to vote out the New Moos before he votes out the New Rotus. WTF? Why are you letting him box you into a corner like this? What the hell kind of “leader” are you, anyway? And all the time, Rob is playing the “ethics” card and you’re falling for it; meanwhile he’s in confessionals laughing at you for trusting him, and telling Sean that they need to hook up with the New Moos after merge. John, at least Gabe knew he didn’t want to play the game. You think you’re playing, and you’re not.

Rob: Are you gay?

John: Why, is it written on my forehead?

John: (confessional) Rob doesn’t like it that this gayboy is running the show and whipping his pants.

Yeah, John. If by “whipping his pants” you mean doing worse in the challenges than him, failing to arrange the RC and IC teams to your benefit, and letting him constantly put you on the defensive, then yeah, I guess you are whipping his pants.

Rotu Day 17

At the waterfall, John suggests to Tammy and the General that they ought to lose immunity so they can boot Rob. Here’s a hint, John. When your “followers” don’t make eye contact with you, and refuse to carry out your “orders” point-blank, chances are you’re not really their “leader.” Just a thought.

Immunity Challenge

Hey, it’s the maze challenge! So just like in S2, no one will sit out and we’ll get to watch Rotu fall all over each other and fail miserably! Wait a minute…what’s this…Rotu is still sitting out four? What about rules? What about consistency? Obviously, MB would rather keep Rob around for another week to milk the Godfather crap than let God’s Favorite team win again. Damn, he really is the Devil!

For the maze, the tribe mates have to be tied together, and for some reason we aren’t shown Sean complaining bitterly about being shackled by whitey. Then we spend far too much time watching what is an obvious outcome from early on. Kathy scores some LAMEASS Meter points for her ineptness and repeating uselessly “We gotta go faster, we gotta go faster.” John cheers Rotu on with all the enthusiasm of the first runner-up cheering for Miss America. It’s a runaway victory for Rotu, - even the French and Russian ice dancing judges can agree on this one.

Rob poses atop the stump and waves the flag victoriously. John looks on grimly. Yeah, John, you’re the leader alright. You’re leading in LAMEASS points.

Maramuu, post-IC

Kathy put out the fire. Kathy screwed up the IC. Kathy is worried. This of course means that Gina is getting the boot tonight.

Everyone sits around looking dejected. Man, I haven’t seen such long faces since Kelly Wigglesworth.

Tribal Council

Jiffy: So, if you’re a family, who’s the red-headed stepchild? Come on, there’s always one. Is it Gina, for being “adopted”?

Gina: No, no! We are a family.

Jiffy: Kathy. Will you be booted for your obnoxiousness all on it’s own, or because it lost you the IC?

Kathy: No, no! We are a family.

Jiffy: Neleh. Who are you voting for?

Neleh: Paschal. HAHAHAHA!! Just kidding.

They vote, and Little Orphan Gina takes a nature hike all by her lonesome. Turns out blood is thicker than water, or urine is thicker than pineapple juice, or blondes really do have more fun…whatever.

Next week, the family that prays together, stays together. Except when they don’t.