Scene: Rotu, Night Three

Silvery moonlight shimmers down on a contented tribe of happy Rotu campers, sitting in a circle. Okay—it isn’t really moonlight. It’s those weird night vision cameras that make people's eyes glow like undead extras from some Sci Fi horror movie, and their hair gets those weird streaks & highlights—creepy. They claim they are massaging each other, but it looks more like mass murder, with each person trying to strangle the one in front of them! Welcome to episode 2 of Survivor Marquesas.

The bitching is about to begin. Cut to Gabriel in confessional. “We’re the Love Tribe,” he intones, looking like a little golden gnome & wearing cute little wire-rims. “We all love each other so much, and we sleep all together in the Love Shack we built all together with our very own hands. Well, except for that weird b!tch Kathy.” He rolls his cute little eyes, and the camera cuts to Kathy who is a grumpy, fussy troll, trying to find a comfortable spot by the fire. “Kathy sleeps alone,” he accuses.

Well, now she does! And who did she sleep next to that first night, bed-wetter boy? Who had that little ‘accident’ that sent her screaming into the clean waters of the ocean? Then who lied & told the tribe that Kathy just didn’t like to sleep with everyone? Shame, shame, bed-wetter boy.

Scene: Maraamu in the morning.

Sean is in charge now. How did that happen? He’s doing a morning DJ routine—very cool, very smooth. Rob announces the breakfast menu—I guess he & Sarah are still expecting room service. Where are those lazy-ass servants Hunter & Gina? Rob looks around, but not too hard, Sarah is leaning one bOOb on him and he doesn’t want to dislodge it. Oh—there they are, still working on the firewood. Hunter is chopping wood with his hatchet-like nose. Faithful Gina hauls it to the fire. What losers! They just don’t know how to have fun.

Poor Hunter, he knows something is not right but he can’t figure it out. Just like High School—somehow, he’s always the dork. And the cool kids make him do stuff. And he doesn’t know how to stop it, so he just goes along with the joke & hopes for the best. Just then, Mr. Kool himself, Sean makes him give a fake weather report. So sad.

Later, Sean sings & makes them all dance. Well, Hunter can’t dance but he does a mean dip with his partner Vecepia. It almost looks like he’s trying to bash her brains out on the rocks. Hmmmm. Maybe he resents Sean’s newly asserted power. Nah. He’s clueless; he just can’t dance.

Talk about being clueless! Here stands lovely Gina, hoping & praying that He-Man Hunter will touch her all over with his gorgeous hands, and knead her willing body into ecstasy. So what does He-Man do? He gives Mama Pat, the tubby trucker from Lugoff, a rub down instead. Mama is lovin’ it! She raises her arms over her head and urges Hunter on, “Harder! Faster! Go under my suit! Oh Baby!!! Do me! Do me!” All gather ‘round to watch the spectacle.

Later, still hot & feisty from her sexy rubdown, Mama takes over the camp in s sudden burst of bossiness. “This is the tool tree. We’ll keep the knives here.” “This is the fire tree—stack all the fire wood here.” “This is the pee tree where Hunter pees!” “This is the pee tree where the rest of you pee!” “This is the log where I sit while I put on my shoes!” “This is the log you bend over when you’ve been naughty so I can whip your bad asses with a stick from the stick tree!” “This is the tree where…” Umm, Macho Mama? I think you are getting a little pushy here.

Okay, Mama is getting way too much camera time. Somebody is jealous. Survivor Slut Sarah does a little bOOb jiggle, and the camera zaps right to her…

black
bikinied
bOObs.
Sarah gives a little smirk. The bOObs work every time. Every. Time.

At the sight of Sarah, men all across North America suck in their breath & hold it for a minute, just looking at her perfect wet dream of a body. All let their breath out in a little gasp when the camera moves on. This gasp causes a small bump in the barometric air pressure readings nationwide—an anomaly that will puzzle meteorologists for years to come.

Gina, Hunter and Vee walk along the shore, turning over rocks and looking for food. Sarah & Rob walk on a different beach and work on their tans. Sean doesn’t work to prove that Hunter can’t make him. People are either labeled as too lazy or too pushy. Mara is splitting down the middle, and splitting again.

Regarding Sarah: every night in his cabin, evil genius Mark Burnett drops to his knees and thanks God for sending sexy Sarah. “Thank you God,” he says. “ThankyouThankyouThankyou for sending sexy Sarah.” Visions of double DD market shares dance in his head. There is a second part to this prayer: “Please God, let her make the jury. PleasePleasePleasePleasePlease. I need her bOObs for the May sweeps! I need ‘em! Please god, pleasepleaseplease.”

Scene: Rotu

Robert is sick. Everyone else is busy making kiddy-camp weapons. Gabriel, Lord of the Ringlets, has made a little bow & arrow. Zoë has made a sling shot with the elastic strap from her sunglasses. Neleh & Tammy are helping John build a pig snare. These guys are so clueless. The sharpened stick arrows don’t fly. The slingshot lobs stones like they are marshmallows. Even if a wild pig was so slow and stupid as to be caught in their pathetic snare, he could bite through that poly webbing they have used like it was a piece of cotton string.

John gives the first of many crazed confessionals. “I must find food! I will find food! If I can provide food, I can write my ticket to the final four.” So who finds the food? Annoying Kathy, of course.

“Whoo-hoo!” <shrill whistles> <hand clapping> These are the ways Kathy communicates with her tribe. “Whoo-hoo” <whistle, whistle> “You guys better come right now! I mean it. I found something!”

Kathy has found a bed of shellfish, all by herself. When the tribe finally comes out to her, they all get excited and start pulling in clams, snails, crabs and weird spiny things. Judge Paschal proudly holds up a crab almost one inch across! Yay! The poor starving Rotu are about to have a New England clambake, or maybe a nice big pot of seafood stew!

Or maybe not. These people are idiots! Instead of cooking their catch, they crudely smash the clams & snails open using beach rocks. Neleh demonstrates how to clean & gut a snail with your bare hands. “See, you just grab this slimy stuff right here and pull it out like this.” She gives a revolting demonstration. “Then you eat it!” She pops a raw snail in her mouth. Ish! Yuck! Bleuwch! What is the matter with these people! Where is Zoë, the Lobster Lady? She at least should know how to cook seashore catches! Paging the Lady of Maine! Paging the Lady of Maine! Please stop this madness1

You have to wonder—if, by some miracle, they catch a pig--will they eat it raw like they did the shrimp and snails?

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Mama Kathy finds more clams later, and uses her newfound power as food provider to make the tribe build a shelter big enough for her to sleep in too. She makes them cut up the rubber raft so she can have a nice protective barrier between herself and the bed wetter boy. They all solemnly hang the rubber sheets without looking at Gabriel. As the finishing touch, Paschal, the Love Judge, hangs his American flag across the hut. “I am a very patriotic American” he tells the camera. His buddy Neleh beams up at him and hugs him tightly, pressing both her breasts into his side.

Whoa, Neleh—just a rootin’ tootin’ minute here! You be careful what you get into with that older, already married Judge! This ain’t Utah, you know! This is French Polynesia, and there are rules about things like tha… Wait! What am I saying? This is French Polynesia—you and the Judge just go right ahead there. Whatever, Anything goes… <wink wink.>

John is royally p.issed. He has confessional after confessional to hiss and moan about how he should be the provider, and he should be leader of Rotu. He’s most worthy. He’s the chosen one. Yawn, yawn.

John invents a burlap sack fish net and manages to catch one (count ‘em—one) shrimp. He is so proud, runs and shows it to everyone as if it is a 3-foot tuna. Gabriel & Tammy are underwhelmed. “Yeah, yeah,” they say while walking away. “Catch 30 more and we’ll have a meal.

So, John is the Rotu b!tch and Kathy is the Rotu witch. And MB has set the stage. Which bossy Mama will be the next to go? The tubby trucker Patricia or the pouty cry baby Kathy? They are both so worthy.

Back to Mara

Man, Maraamu is completely messed up. See, Hunter & Gina hate Sarah & like Mama. Sarah hates Hunter & Gina & Mama. Vee hates Sarah and Mama, but likes Hunter only she can’t tell Sean about that last part. Sean hates everyone but Vee. Rob just wants to be alone with the bOObs. Mama bosses everyone around. Who could make sense of this mess?

So MB does the best that he can to entertain us. Look—here’s a shot of Slutty Sarah sleeping with Rob the Builder. What a lovely couple they make! Sarah snuggles up against Rob, satisfied that the bOOb bait has worked. She caught a big strong good-lookin’ guy to carry her through the game, and keep her warm at night.

Boyishly charming Rob sleeps with sweet contentment, knowing that he will be worshipped as a god on construction sites all over the Northeast. In the first minutes of the first hour of the first day, he had the luscious, bOObilicious Sarah tagged, bagged and shagged. Life does not get better than that for a young construction stud. Think of all the years of free beers he will get! “Hey Rob! What are you drinking?” (buys him a drink) “So, what did they feel like? Did you do her on camera? Did she beg you for it? Do you have—like—tapes of you and her doing it?” Etc., etc.

Yup, bagging Sarah on national TV is just as good as winning. Rob smiles, and slides his hand down Sarah’s body.

Tree Mail

You’ll be left breathless if it’s depth you fear,
Play this stupid game for some fishing gear.

Another water challenge. The winner gets a cheap looking diving mask and fins. Jeff proudly hoists the fishing gear in the air. The tribes both cheer, but Zoë has this look on her face like, did you find this stuff in a toy store? It’s pathetic! How cheap can you get? (Rotu sits out the sick Robert.)

Each tribe has a sunken fishing boat, laying under about 15 feet of water, and filled with approximately 250 rocks. The tribes are supposed to dive down to the boat and toss out the rocks until the boat rises to the surface. Then they have to turn the boat over, bail it out with buckets on their dock, paddle it to shore and put it on the right colored mat. Just another simple, fun challenge from the mind of Minolta Burnett.

Before the start, they all have to all swim out to a dock anchored close to the sunken ship. That way, the non-swimmer types will be exhausted before the game even starts. Nasty. But them’s the rules, so everybody swims to their tribal raft.

When Jeffie blows his little whistle, they jump in as tribe, swim to a floating tube and start diving to free their boat.

Maraamu: Patricia & Vecepia don’t even try to dive. Sarah can’t dive because of her surgically implanted flotation devices. Gina tries but is not too helpful. Sean pulls himself down the rope once, pulls out one small rock, and he’s done. Hunter throws out a dozen or more rocks with every dive. His large chest and lungs hold a lot of air. Also, his large nose contains a good-sized bubble of air he can rebreathe from. Rob helps too; he’s strong but can’t hold his breath for long.

Rotu: Gabe, John, Tammy and Zoë are the workhorses here. None are as strong as Hunter is, but there are four of them so they pull ahead. Then John has the bright idea of all four of them turning the boat over and just dumping all the rocks. Great idea! Rotu dumps the rocks, floats the boat, paddles to shore and wins! Again!

Scene: Maraamu, day 6

It’s gonna rain, and the Mara haven’t made their shelter yet. (Well, Hunter can’t do everything). Vee says she, Pat & Sarah have been working at weaving coconut fronds to make a roof for their hut. They have? Umm, Vee—Gina has been working on these since day one too. Sarah not so much.

But Sarah has opinions. After being mostly seen and seldom heard for the first episode, Sarah talks. She has a whiney, grating little voice. She bites off her phrases. She sneers while she talks. She complains about everything. She says she told them what to do with creating a roof days ago, and if they didn’t do it like she said, well too bad for them. . (!!!!!!) Suddenly, Sarah’s not so attractive anymore. Suddenly, she’s like - b!tchy. Even the bOObs look smaller. Who is this woman? Ish!

They build the hut; not very impressive. There is so much arguing going on that nobody can get anything done. They don't use their rubber raft for a roof, like Rotu did. What would Rob & Slutty Sarah do without the Love Raft?

Scene: Rotu

Tree mail:

This treemail is wrapped around a set of crude wooden forks. Hmmm. Do you think that’s a clue?

We invite you to a special repast
In eating fafaru you need luck to last.
It’s disgusting & repulsive, just wait and see.
If you upchuck your guts—no immunity.

It’s the gross food challenge, of course! And served up for the viewers just in time to watch over dessert. Yummy.

Cleoslutra leads the Maraamu into the Challenge arena, her bionic bOObs inflated to their full double DD glory. She does her best skank-ho hootchie-cootchie strut, but she forgot to wear the black bikini (gasp!) We look at her face (gasp!) The magic is gone! (gasp!) Why—she’s just a smutty-faced little girl with big boobies! Bwaahaahaahaaa! Why can’t Rob see this now?

As the tribes arrive, Jeffie is waiting at a table. On the table is a bunch of fly covered fish fillets sitting on banana leafs and almost floating in some kind of swill. Jeff explains the delicacy. Crabs, shrimp & fish bones are soaked in seawater for 3 days until they start to rot. Then this rot-water is poured onto fish fillets which are put in the hot sun for 3 hours so flies have time to make love, lay eggs, poop and die right on the fillets. Then they are ready to eat. Jeff says it smells worse than a public toilet on a hot day. No one argues that point.

And the challenge begins

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Tonight, CBS Sports presents:
Bobbing for Botulism!

On the left, in blue buffs is the Rot U. Varsity Chum Chugging Team
On the right, in yellow buffs, are the Maraam U. Scum Suckers.
May the best team win!

Zoë goes against Hunter. She does ok. He snorts it up his nose easily.

Neleh v. Patricia. Neleh barely gets it down—looks like she’s losing it then recovers. She is so thrilled when she succeeds.

Judge v. Sarah. Judge ok. Sarah seems to like it (Figures-don’t it?) Jeff and the camera both watch Sarah’s oral feat with fascination
.
Kathy v. Vee. Pout-faced crybaby Kathy manages a poker face ands swallows it with no problem. Vee does a little 2-handed flourish when she’s done. Very cute

Robert v. Sean. Robert struggles a little, does okay. Sean is very vocal after he shows Jeffie his tongue.

Tammy v. Gina. Okay

John v. Rob. Rob gags &heaves. He makes agony faces; he sputter-spits a bit and barely makes it in time.

Gabe v. Hunter (again). Okay

So it’s a tie! Each tribe gets to pick someone from the other tribe for a sudden death final. Whoever finishes a whole small bowl of the gross stuff first wins. Each side picks the others weakest link:

Neleh v. Rob. Maybe eating those raw snails was good practice for Neleh. She keeps getting stronger and faster. She sticks her face right into the slimy gloop and sucks up the fish fillets. Rob is in agony again. He gags, he chokes, he heaves. He sputters out a little. Jeffie, who is loving every minute of this challenge, jumps back and yells “not at me!” Rob barfs miserably and copiously.

Neleh wins!

After TC, everybody at Mara keeps to themselves. Well, not quite. Sean tells Vee that it’s either Sarah or him. And Hunter, like, seals his fate by trying to get Rob to turn on Sarah and vote her out.

Hunter, Hunter…This is Rob we’re talking about her. Mr. I will follow my little 2 x 4 wherever it leads me Rob. This is Rob robbed-of-a-brain. You think he is going to give up his little p.ussy? No way!!! What are you thinking, Hunter?

Rob agonizes in confessional. Should I give up my happiness here and become Hunter’s little worker bee again? Or should I side with Sean, and maybe look stupid. Maybe? Oh Rob…’stoopid’ is tattooed on your forehead, and maybe somewhere else too.

Tribal council

Maraamu takes the long walk to Tribal Council while that weird guy sings in the background. They shuffle into the Lodge, their torches burning brightly, their faces all in shadows. As usual, Jeff is waiting to rub their faces in it. “So,” evil Jeffie probes, “You’re back in Tribal Council for the second time.” Then he grins his famous s,hit-eating grin. “How’s that feel?” Why does Jeffie get such joy from their pain?”

“Patricia!” He jumps right in and gets her to say some dumb thing about being a self-proclaimed mother of the tribe. She gives a fairly dignified answer and--pffft—that’s no fun, so Jeff moves on to Rob, who proclaims sometimes Mama is a pain, but she’s there for you when you need her. Then he turns to Miss Funbags.

“Sarah,” how do you blah blah blah”… I forget the exact question because I was too busy looking at Sarah’s snooty face. She had a snooty answer too. “I don’t need a mama because I am 24 years old and my real mama hasn’t told me what to do in 8 years.” “No one likes to be told what to do and barked at all the time, sometimes you just have to bite your tongue. I work 16 hours a day at home and I didn’t come here to work all the time.”

What did you come for?

“To meet cool people, have an adventure, get laid on TV and play the game.” Now that she’s started talking, Slutty Sarah can’t stop. “I know I haven’t been working as much as some others in camp, but I am saving my strength for the challenges. I don’t want to be the one who lets my team down and loses a challenge.” Off-camera, the entire production staff of Survivor can be heard stifling giggles.

“Uh, Sarah, so far all you have excelled at is eating gross, slimy chunks of flesh.” Rob blanches until he realizes Jeffie means the fafaru

Gina shoots right back at Sarah. “I disagree with that philosophy! If I have to work twice as hard every day to make up for slackers then I don’t have the strength I need for challenges then that’s not fair either.” While Gina’s saying this, Sarah has such a supercilious little smirk on her face. You can just tell she is thinking “Who says life is fair, b!tch. Look at these bOObs—they give me special rights you know. Drop dead you boobless wonder”

Jeff gives up on Sarah and turns to Hunter. “Sports analogy, Hunter. You’re the captain of the team, where do you go from here?”

“Well,” Hunter says. I want to trade some of my players for better ones. I want to fire one non-performer,” looks at Sean “and hire a new management group. I want hot showers and a clean locker room. I want…”

“Okay Survivor tribe,” Jeff interrupts. “It’s time to vote. You first Mama”

They all go vote, one by one, while the weird Tribal Council music plays. Sarah smirks all through it. The fix is in, and she knows it. Hunter & Gina are still cluelessly hoping everyone votes for Sarah.

Jeffie reads the votes. Three for Mama, three for Sarah, then POW—the last vote is for Mama. Jeffie snuffs Pat’s torch while Hunter and Gina look stunned and Sarah smirks. Patricia walks off into the dark.

Jeffie says, “I heard a lot tonight and you are a tribe divided. I have never seen such a bunch of losers in my entire life. Now get out of here before I vomit copiously.”

After the carnage of episode 2, Maraamu is left with three people who can’t swim worth beans. One guy who can swim but can’t think because his mind is mostly occupied with the bOObs. One girl who swims pretty good. And Hunter, who can do everything physical. There are four people who just want to hang out on the beach, and two who are willing to work. There are two alpha males, three ticked off women, and one guy whose mind is occupied by the bOObs. They have a s.hitty, leaky hut. It’s going to rain. And the bOObs are going on a rampage.

I love this show.

Swami