Previously on Survivor, worlds collided, but did not appear to implode, when a bunch of non-media hos showed up on the Survivor set. Kathy won the traditional Survivor mother-son conjugal visit, with the added twist that this time they chose to save the car for the next episode, forcing us to endure the horrifying visual of Kathy and Pat spooning out in the open. And Robert was predictably and uneventfully voted out of the tribe. Five are left. Whose ass will be voted out tonight?

Opening Credits. Commercials. This Lipton Asian Side Dishes commercial is perhaps one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever seen.

Episode 12 opens with sweeping, majestic views of the beautiful Marquesas Islands. Calming, almost wistful music plays. But the scene soon shifts abruptly and cruelly to Soliantu beach, where we join our Survivors engaging in that classic Survivor pastime: b*tching! This morning’s topic of choice is food, or the lack thereof. Sean wants more food. He’s so weak, he doesn’t even have the energy to strategize. Poor, weak, non-strategizing Sean.

Vee says “the perception” is that Kathy is the swing vote, and everyone has been linking Paschal and Neleh, and Vee and Sean. She “truly” does not believe race is an issue. Except of course when she makes it one to suit her own purposes. Like right about now, for instance, when she proceeds to tell Kathy that “they” think, just because Vee and Sean are African Americans, that they have some kind of agreement or something. I don’t suppose it might also be because they’ve been on the same tribe since day one, or that they are friends, or that they are both obnoxiously vocal Christians, but what do I know? Kathy says she hadn’t thought about the race issue until now.

Neleh says it’s tough being stuck on the island with five people, scheming and backstabbing. So tough that you forget you’re only on the island with four people? She says race has never been an issue, and it makes her really irritated that “they” are bringing it up. Pappy says Vee is coming to Kathy and suggesting to Kathy that it’s a race thing. What was that, Vee? You know, what you said, about race not being an issue? Just asking. Pappy says it’s “sickening.” I was going to say “idiotic” or “stupid,” but that’s just me.

Neleh tells Kathy that it would make her “pukey-sick” if Kathy joined up with Sean and Vee. She says nothing about Kathy’s armpit hair, which we get a clear shot of during the conversation, but I imagine that probably makes her pukey-sick too. By the way, Neleh, watch your language, missy. This is network television. In confessional, Kathy says she doesn’t want to make the wrong swing vote, and she’s still looking out for herself.

Tree Mail!

Neleh, Paschal, and Kathy approach the tree mail box, but stop yards away, quivering in fear when they see that it’s written on stilts. I won’t repeat the poem here, mainly because I refuse to listen to it closely enough to get the words down, but I did notice that it contained the word “cunning,” but not the word “seductive.”

Pappy, looking as emaciated as ever, isn’t sure what it all means. He’s not even sure it has anything to do with stilts at all. Isn’t he supposed to be the smart one? We know, of course, because we have actually watched this show before, that it’s another Survivor tradition, the recycled challenge. Pappy says that if the challenge involves stilts, he’s out now. He doesn’t say anything about tiki-building, but he might want to worry about that one, too.

So, we head to challenge beach. Strangely ominous music plays over shots of the various elements of the recycled challege. Then again, they are probably just stock shots from the first time they ran the challenges.

Finally, we get to see Jiffy, wearing a traditional Marquesian cowboy hat. He thinks they probably have some challenges they’d like another shot at. Vee gives him a death glare, although given Marky’s penchant for deceptive editing, it probably has nothing to do with what Jiffy is saying at that particular moment.

Jiffy explains that this challenge combines elements of Six. Previous. Challenges. Tiki-building, blah, blah. Coconut juice, bamboo shoots, blah blah. Stilts, untie the knots, blah, blah. The stilt. Walking. Portion. Of the challenge. Break the coconuts, find the key, unlock the box, blah, blah. (By the way, can I just interject here that these “coconuts” look nothing like actual coconuts, and a lot like those “ostrich eggs” from S3, except painted brown. Just sayin’.) Slingshot, colored rocks, the first person to get sand on their own tiki (which sounds kind of painful) wins the reward.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Jiffy says he knows “how tiring 34 days” are. Just how he would know this escapes me, since Jiffy spends his days on a cruise ship drinking fruity drinks with little umbrellas in them, but whatever. (Disclaimer: I don’t know if Jiffy is actually part of the group living in the ship, but wherever he’s staying, you get my point.) Jiffy finally reveals that the reward is a Saturn VUE, which just happens to be on that big barge anchored behind them that they had, up until now, pretended not to see. Ooh. Aah.

The challenge starts, and they’re off. Jiffy provides scintillating play-by-play. Incidentally, he may or may not be carrying a Palm Pilot. Vee builds her tiki fist. Neleh finishes, and then just stands there, staring at her tiki blankly. Sean and Kathy finish. Pappy just stands there, and all that is missing is for him to start saying “I dunno.” He finally builds what looks to me like a tiki, but he knocks the whole thing over, thinking it looks better on the ground. That’s the last we’ll see of Pappy, or anyone else for that matter, because Sean pretty much dusts everyone. In his most triumphic moment, Sean walks on stilts. It’s a miracle! It’s almost like Sean is the second coming of Christ, except instead of walking on water, he’s walking on stilts! (So does this mean Ethan isn’t Jesus?)

Anyway, Sean wins, no doubt because it was God’s will, and collapses into a spastic fit. Everyone piles onto the barge to see Sean’s new wheels. Neleh exclaims, “And it automatic, too! Wow.” Because everyone knows stick-shifts are for losers.

Back at camp, everyone congratulates Sean. Sean can’t believe he’s got a new car, with no car payments! I guess no one told him about prize taxes. Leaning against a tree, Sean and Pappy chat. Pappy, by the way, is showing a little too much leg, and way too much pale, pasty-white ass. Sean says that when you play this game, you don’t realize that you get emotionally attached to “folk.” Before you know it, you’re like “enh.” I know I’m always like “enh” when I get emotionally attached to people. Seriously, what does that even mean?

In confessional, Pappy says he’s a wreck, and starts complaining about food again. We see a really unattractive close-up of Neleh sleeping with dirt all over her face. Kathy thinks it’s from dehydration. In confessional, she says, “Not only am I depleted physically, but I’m depleted mentally, and that’s why Paschal right now is cashin’ out.” Obviously, I know she didn’t mean it this way, but it sounds like she is saying Paschal is cashin’ out because she is depleted mentally, which isn’t necessarily all that preposterous, because if I were surrounded by this group of idiots, I’d cash out too.

To get some protein, they decide to go get troca. In a stunning departure from the script, Kathy says she wants to teach others to find troca because, get this, she doesn’t want to be the sole food provider. What is wrong with her, anyway? Doesn’t she know that being the food provider always guarantees that you’ll win? The happy music plays, and they start finding the shells. Kathy says, “I’m tellin’ ya, man, it’s like an Easter egg hunt!” OMH!!! <click> Do you know what this means??? Maraarotu was right all along! You people are all idiots!!!

Sean take the opportunity, in case we’ve forgotten, to remind us that he’s a brother from uptown, and the ocean is scary. He worries about stepping on a sea urchin, but he really shouldn’t, since Kathy and her bladder are right there by his side.

Back at camp, Vee notices that Pappy is down, and thinks they should all talk in order to “clear the air.” At night, around the campfire, Vee leads the discussion, having appointed herself the group therapist. Pappy says from day one, he gave Neleh his word that he would not vote for her. As he says this, Neleh looks like she’s practically sitting in his lap. Kathy says, “I didn’t know that. I knew you had a bond and a friendship, but I honestly didn’t know that you would not vote each other out.” Hmm. Neleh says she thinks Vee and Sean have a really tight bond, and “they’ve been together till the end.” That’s an, um, interesting scenario, whatever it means.

Sean gets angry that they’re accusing him and Vee of having an alliance, although no one will come out and actually use that dirty word, because he and Vee have had their differences. And really, he has a point, since they haven’t always voted together. The whole argument is basically, you have an alliance, no we don’t, yes you do, no we don’t. It’s so colossally stupid that I was ready to fly to the Marquesas, stomp onto the set, and scream at them, “What the f*ck is wrong with you people??? You’re playing a game! It’s called Survivor. Ever hear of it? It involves making alliances, and keeping them secret if need be. Who the f*ck cares if they have an alliance or if they don’t? AAAARGHHHH!!!!” And no, I don’t have any pent-up hostility, but thanks for asking.

Commercials. If you don’t feed your dog Pedigree Little Champions, it will eat your children. Ultimate Manilow is Saturday at 9. Mark your calendars. The Hyundai Santa Fe: It’s the thinking person’s SUV. Which I guess explains why Survivor is giving away the Saturn VUE.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

The next morning, Neleh starts going on about how she feels vulnerable. OMH <click>, will the sweet Mormon angel be voted out? She says Kathy is the key. Pappy says the whole thing is sickening. I think looking at Pappy is sickening, but that’s just me. Pappy says he realized last night that Sean and Vee have been duping everyone from the beginning, first on the other side, now on this side. Duping them into what? Thinking that Sean and Vee are lazy bums? What. Ever.

Pappy, in confessional, says Kathy's “from Vermont. I’m from Georgia. Sean’s from Harlem. This thing runs deeper than a game.” I’m sorry if I’m failing you as a summary writer, but again, I just don’t know what that means. Pappy finally says, “To Heck with ‘em.” Oooh, Pappy, such language! Kathy goes to fly her kite, and we are treated to more delightful pit shots. She tries to make us think that she’ll align with Sean and Vee, but we know it won’t happen.

Night falls. It’s time for the immunity challenge. Mercifully, we don’t have to hear the tree mail, but we find out soon enough that it’s that tried and true Survivor classic, the Jiffy-Tells-A-Story-About-The-Natives trivia challenge. After hearing the story, the Survivors will get a tiki for each question they answer correctly. If they answer wrong, they’ll get a bone, which isn’t as dirty as it sounds. Jiffy tells his story about a warrior who was the Marquesian version of Superman (Hi, Superman!), in that he could disguise himself simply by putting his hair in buns, much like Superman could disguise himself just by putting on glasses.

And the Survivors are off and running. Neleh, proving yet again that she’s not really as innocent as the image she tries to project, knows which part of the warrior’s flesh is the meatiest. Kathy gets a tiki. Sean and Vee get boned. More people get tikis. Pappy trips and falls, and I fear he may break into pieces, but he gets up and keeps going. Kathy and Neleh both get their five tikis and start sprinting for the finish line. But wait, Keith, uh, I mean, Kathy, has dropped a tiki! Neleh screams like the little girl that she is, because she thinks she’s won. Jiffy lays the smack down, though, because look, Neleh has pulled a Keith too! They both run around frantically looking for their dropped tikis. Kathy finds hers first, and she wins! She shrieks loudly. This is not surprising, because she shrieks about everything, but what is surprising is that her shrieks are actually not quite as loud as they used to be. I guess she wasn’t kidding about being depleted.

Commercials. I feel like this Pizza Hut commercial should annoy me, but for some reason it doesn’t. For Boston-area people only: Barry is still trying to get rid of Elliot. Or maybe Elliot is still trying to get rid of Barry. Who knows which one is which? And could we maybe get rid of both of them?

The next morning, Kathy expounds on her dilemma. Paschal and Neleh? Or Vee and Sean? Paschal/Neleh? Vee/Sean? P/N? V/S? Who will she choose? The suspense is just killing me!

Tribal Council. The Rotu Four, I mean the jury, enters, looking pissy. Say what you will about S3, but at least they had a better looking jury. Jiffy asks Kathy if her immunity is up for negotiation. She says it always is, and she’s surprised no on has come to talk to her about it, because “if it’s a game, and people are playin’, and they want to win,” they should have come talk to her, but no one has. Oh, so now it’s okay to be playing the game? Again, whatever. Sean tries to bargain for her immunity. She doesn’t give it up, mainly because she was always going to vote for Sean anyway, misdirection notwithstanding. The rest of the tribal council degenerates into a continuation of the asinine argument from before, and I refuse to summarize most of it, except to say that there is a lot of eye-rolling, trash-talking, and big words such as “disingenuous.” Kathy denies ever having said that she didn’t know about Paschal and Neleh’s alliance, conveniently forgetting that she said just that a few days ago. Finally, Kathy tells Sean to let it go, since we’re voting you out regardless of what transpires here. Actually, she didn't say that last part, but I'm sure it's what she was thinking.

Sean votes for Neleh. Neleh votes for Sean, saying there’s “too much drama.” That line was stupid enough when Vee said it. Please don’t use it again, okay? Paschal votes for Sean, saying he’s a “great competitor.” Yeah, clearly that’s not really all he said. Vee votes for Neleh, and we don’t see Kathy’s vote, under the pretense that it’s a mystery and not a foregone conclusion.

Jiffy brings the votes back, and gives his usual spiel about “the decision is final, the person will be asked to leave the tribal council area immediately.” Just once, I’d like to see the person refuse to leave and have to be dragged off by security. Now that would be some drama.

Jiffy reads the votes. Neleh. Sean. Neleh. Sean. Sean. D’oh! And Sean is gone. Neleh gets this really evil smile on her face, and I hate her. Will the rest of you please, please vote her out next? Please?

Sean’s torch is finally extinguished, and Jiffy remarks, “Well, I don’t know if you noticed tonight or not, but the jury is all dressed the same, wearing black. I don’t know if it means anything or not.” I think it means they’re all bitter, self-pitying losers, but that’s just me. Swami, by the way, also has some excellent theories on the matter.

In his final words, Sean sums it all up best: “I’m just a humble young man, trying to find my way in this world.” And off he goes, representin’ into the night.