If you want to know what happened last week, read anotherkim’s summary. It was better than the show.

On to the opening credits. This is how the conversation between my 2nd grade and 4th grade sons went during the credits:

“(4th grader starts humming theme song)
Neleh – still in
Robert – in (2nd grader: “he has cool tatoos”)
Kathy – in (2nd grader: “she’s the one who peed on John”)
Tammy – in
Gabriel – out
Zoe – just got out
Paschal – in
John – out (4th grader: “that’s not a good picture of him. I could have taken a better one”)
Hunter – out
Sarah – out
Peter – out
Vee – in
Gina – out (4th grader: “she’s so beautiful”)
Sean – in
Patricia – out
Rob – out (4th grader proceeds to hum the rest of the song)”

Back from commercials:

Day 28 Soliantu
We see some miscellaneous photography that is all part of a Pavlovian experiment by Mark Burnett to see how quickly the internet spoilers start posting and analyzing the shots.

Pappy stirs what’s left of the fire. Tammy gets out her abacus and announces: “11 more days”.

The rest of the tribe emerges from the shelter and there is a frenzy of kisses and hugs. America reaches for some insulin. Kathy complains about the mattress being lumpy (2nd grader: “This is Survivor. It’s not supposed to be comfortable!”)

Sean: “This whole ‘love tribe’ thing is a fallacy. Sure we spoon and cuddle, but it’s just for cheap thrills.”

Vee goes to help the General gather firewood.
Pappy: “you’re not supposed to work on your birthday”.
Another love-fest ensues when the tribe realizes they have a birthday to celebrate. I think I’m going to be sick.

Next we see the group lying around. Sean is using his buff as a mask, but the audience recognizes him anyway.
Pappy: “We’re like a bunch of used spark plugs.”
Sean: “I’m hanging onto a thread” (this guy doesn’t teach English, does he?).
Pappy: “I didn’t know it was possible to feel the inside of your ribs”

Kathy: “These baby black tipped sharks are taunting me. They’re swimming around my feet. Maybe if I whack one with this machete their mother will come after me and MB will have something to wake up the millions of viewers who have nodded off about now.”

neleh: “I want an oreo cookie with snickers ice cream”
Sean: “snickers, s’mores” (don’t you just love extra promos for the sponsors?)
neleH: big fudge brownie
Tammy: “rrrrrrrrrr”
Amber: “meatball subs; I LOVE those!”

Kathy is complaining that fantasizing about food is stupid, so she is in the water looking for more sources of botulism to eliminate the competition.

Pappy: “This is the dirtiest place on earth. There’s sand and dirt everywhere and it gets on us and then the wind brings in more dirt and then we sweat and it turns to mud. Then we wrestle. Then the dirt dries again and the wind blows in seeds that land in the dirt and we start to grow radishes on ourselves and the bees come and pollinate the plants and then we roll in fertilizer so we all stink, then we harvest the radishes and eat . . . .” (okay, so I stopped listening. Sue me.)

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

During Pappy’s monologue about dirt, we are shown some very attractive footage of sweaty ankles, dirty legs, bugs and skanky toenails. At first I thought I’d fast forwarded the tape to CSI, but I was pretty sure Pappy wasn’t a character on that show. (4th grader: “why don’t they just go into the waterfall and clean that stuff off?”)

Tree Mail
Sean and Vee go for tree mail. Sean sings “Happy Birfday” to Vee, while parents all over America sigh with relief that Sean is not their kid’s teacher.
Vee: “God is with us.”

In true kindergarten fashion, they return and read the poem in unison:
“Seven dirty survivors sitting on the sand.
Jiffy Probe said a shower’s in your hand
If you’re the first to follow my command
There’ll be six dirty survivors sitting on the sand”

(4th grader: “Pappy’s gonna win this one. They just showed him talking about how dirty he was.”)
Jiffy pulls out his VISA card and tells the survivors that the winner will get to borrow it and use it on a cruise ship, where they will have a shower and a full meal.

The challenges turns out to be a combination of divng for pennies and musical chairs. The contestants must dive for conch shells. The person who comes up without a shell is eliminated for the first three rounds. Vee quits right away. Sean is eliminated second and neleH is eliminated third. The final round is a race to move a heavy rock to shore. We see Pappy running under water with the rock and finishing way ahead of everyone else. Boy can that old guy go! Sean, Vee and neleH give him the wave as he drops the rock at Jiffy’s feet. Surprise. Surprise. More kissing and hugging.
Another shameless shot of the VISA card as Jiffy decides to hold onto it until later.

Later.

Jiffy arrives in a boat to pick up Pappy. He tells him he can invite someone else along. In a move that surprises absolutely nobody, he chooses neleH. We get another close up of the VISA logo while a woman named Michelle checks the guests onto the ship.

They get to their room and neleH heads for the shower. We get a close up of the shower head and I wait for Pappy’s shadow to come in holding a knife. It doesn’t happen. Bummer.

At this point of the summary, it is time to institute some new technology. It’s the “OMH meter”, very similar to S2’s OMG meter, only it measures utterances “Oh my heck”

Next our May-December twosome eats dinner.
NeleH: “OMH” This is the best bread I’ve ever tasted!”
NeleH: “OMH” Snails are delicious!”
By the time they got to dessert, the OMH meter was overheating.
The waiter, who looks an awful lot like that French guy in “Gilmore Girls” without the attitude, brings the check and Pappy pulls out Jiffy’s VISA card.
NeleH: “OMH” $312 for dinner!”
Pappy gives the waiter a $200 tip.
NeleH: “OMH” that’s a big tip!
The meter explodes.

They get back to camp and neleH proceeds to tell them all about their cruise.
NeleH: “we checked in and went to our room and in the bathroom there were shovels and rakes and disinfectant and scouring pads and grease remover. Smell my hair. Smell my hair.”

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Robert: “neleH’s hair smelled so good it gave me a woody.”

Sean: “Gee, when I went with Pappy for an outing, we brought back food.”

NeleH: “Does anyone want this mint from my mouth?” (2nd grader: “Gross!”)
Sean: “Keep your mint candy, man. This is like saying “anybody want this piece of doo-doo?”

Day 29 Soliantu (like what other tribe would it be?)
A pig runs by. Came to get a whiff of neleH’s hair, no doubt.

NeleH: “I had the best night’s sleep ever!”
Admires her clean fingernails.

Sean: “the Princess is looking at her nails while there’s work to be done back at Soliantu. She keeps saying she has so much energy. Well, I would too if I wasn’t doing anything but taking naps and taking walks and relaxin’.”

No, I’m not kidding, Sean said that. (4th grader: “Isn’t Sean the one who doesn’t do any work for the tribe? He shouldn’t talk.”)

Kathy: “I think neleH is 60-70% sweetness and 30-40% she’s workin’ it. She’s hovering under Paschal’s wings”

Wow. Two rants in a row. D’ya think maybe neleH will be voted off this episode?

Robert decides to build a pig snare. Tammy agrees to help.
Robert: “I catch a pig. You win immunity. I can say ‘you gotta keep me. I got pig.’”

Tree Mail
“If you first make it burn
Three more days you will earn.
As soon as it’s dark
you’ll work for the spark.

NeleH: “OMH it’s a fire challenge!”

Immunity challenge

The challenge is to light a fire under a wok filled with popcorn. As soon as a kernel pops, the fire must be moved under a tower. The winner is the first one to light the top of the second tower.

Nobody skupined. Jiffy moderated. Robert won immunity.
Robert: “sanctuary!”

Day 30 Soliantu

Everyone plays in the waterfall and we get to hear the usual pre-tribal council confessionals.

Kathy: “I’m wondering what Tammy has up her sleeve. I have a feeling we’re all going to come tumbling down.” (whatever)

Sean: “neleH’s got mad game. She’s playing the girl next door to the hilt. She pretends to work, but just takes naps and walks.”

Tammy: “I’m not conceding until I hear my name read at tribal council.”

Tribal Council
Jiffy: What are you most tired of after 30 days?

NeleH: “being dirty” (2nd grader: “She just had a shower!”)

Pappy: the boredom

Kathy: “the beach” (4th grader: “nobody’s making her go fishing all her time.”)

Jiffy: “How did you all feel after Pappy and neleH had showers?”

Kathy: “I wanted to take a dump on them.”

Robert keeps immunity. It’s time to vote.

Only Kathy’s vote for Tammy is shown.
Kathy: “You’re a cool chick but you’re lethal competition.”
Tammy’s vote is not shown but she is heard saying “you’re not pulling your weight around here” (she’s voting for Sean?)

Jiffy: I’ll go tally the votes.

Tammy, Tammy, Vee, Vee, Tammy, Tammy

Bye bye.

Tammy’s last words:
“Even though I knew this was coming, it sucks. I don’t think these losers have what it takes to last 9 more days.”