“We start this party with a bang!” yelled the legendary Two-Face, as a wrecking ball crashed through the wall to open the movie Batman Forever.

“We start THIS party with a hurl!” replies Jeff Probst, as a fishing boat crashes through the waves of the South Pacific to open Survivor: Marquesas and scenes of very sick Survivor contestants in the hold fill our TV screens. Despite desperate prayers, no wrecking ball comes to save us from what is about to unfold.

This episode of Survivor IV is brought to you by:
the numbers “1796”, “4”, “1” and “16”;
the letters “M.B.”, “J.P.”, “R.N.”, and “Vee”;
the words “water”, “Maraamu”, “Rotu”, “chillin’”, “floatation devices”, and “play-cousin”;
and various orifices of the human body.

Imagine a beautiful painting by one of the great Renaissance artists. Blue water, lush vegetation, an island alone in the sea, remote and beautiful. Then imagine someone empyting a bucket of slime onto that picture. Such is the invasion of the island of Nuka Hiva by the players of this fourth installment of Survivor.

Okay, maybe that’s a little harsh, but you get the idea. Jeff Probst, a.k.a. “J.P.”, “Jiffy Probe” and other less complimentary names, opens the show by telling us that the boat is making its way through the “very rough waters” of the South Pacific. After Survivor III featured the barren, dull waterless soil of Africa, Mark Burnett (a.k.a. “M.B.”, “Evil Pecker Mark” (“EPM”)), is going to attempt to make it all up... in one show. Water WILL be featured.

When thinking of great ships, names like Enterprise, “Old Ironsides”, Mayflower, Santa Maria come to mind. Also names like the Monkey Business (Gary Hart, Donna Rice, remember?). This boat, the Amaryllis, No. PY1796, typifies our contestants as it surges through the water: a wannabee great ship, just as these contestants are wannabee celebrities. The ship is accompanied by dolphins... or perhaps those are sharks, anticipating a quick, tasty meal. Nope, they’re dolphins, and they are smart enough to disappear when they realize that they’re being filmed for Survivor. J.P. goes through his routine of talking about 16 contestants and 1 survivor as he stands at the prow of the ship, surrounded by the contestants as they are finally allowed topside to get some air. I am sure the temptation to push J.P. into the water is awful, but they’re too seasick to act and do the obvious thing. Opportunity wasted.

The show’s theme song plays and the contestants are introduced to us. To emphasize that water will play a role in this show: as “Rotu” flashes on the screen, the word “water” is right underneath it. Ditto for Maraamu. And knowing that those of us who have chosen to actually tune into this show might yet be unable to grasp the point, the “Survivor: Marquesas” logo at the end of the intro shows the distortions of being under (you guessed it) water.

Water WILL be a feature of this show.

As usual, any contestants on Survivor cannot be the sharpest knives in the drawer, and this collection appears to be no different at first glance. As they inflate rubber rafts to go to their camps, J.P. voices over that the tribe names will be “Maraamu” and “Rotu”, meaning “wind” and “rain”. As in “wind between their ears” and “too dumb to come in out of the rain.” The contestants jump off the Amaryllis into the waters. As one contestant jumps, everyone yells “hit the water, NOT the raft!”. Maraamu’s Patricia Jackson, a bit on the heavy side, yells “cannonball!” as she jumps, and everyone scurries as the geyser nearly swamps the Amaryllis. Judge Paschal English looks like he’s about to drown, and the dolphins, intelligent enough to know that saving him is NOT a blessing, don’t try to help.

The Maraamu members get into their raft and begin paddling… in eight different directions. Rotu begins to move and at this time J.P. voices over the names of our new friends. Let’s meet them, shall we?

From Rotu (which wears blue):
Kathy Vavrick-O’Brien is a real estate agent from Burlington, VT. Rumored to have tried to sell the Tribal Council hut.
Gabriel Cade is a barkeep from the “alternative” community of Celo, NC. I am not sure what an “alternative” community is, but have suspicions based on the fact that Gabe’s luxury item is a teddy bear. He also speaks fluent French, having spent time in France teaching English to the natives there.
Tammy Leitner is a crime reporterette from Mesa, AZ. Crime reporter? Mesa, Arizona? That must be a real time-consuming job.
Paschal English is a University of Georgia graduate (woof!) and a judge from Thomaston, GA. His Honor’s luxury item is an American flag. He should have brought his gavel, with which he could beat some sense into his fellow contestants.
John Carroll is a Registered Nurse (R.N.) from Omaha, NE. His luxury item is massage oils, which are going to be well used, judging by the way this show is shaping up so far. His bio on the See-BS site says he “ministered as a Liturgical clown”. I have NO idea what that means, so maybe someone on this board can explain that…
Nelah Dennis is a student from Layton, UT. As this board’s super sleuths astutely figured out, her first name is “Helen” spelled backwards. She seems a little backwards, herself.
Zoe Zanidakis is from Monhegan Is., ME. She is captain of a lobster boat. Rumored to have tried to take over the Amaryllis and save us from this wretched show.
Robert DeCanio is a limo driver from Queens, NY. Like most limo drivers, he’s an aspiring capo for the mob. His luxury item is a voodoo doll, and I encourage him to begin using it (or mob “persuasive” tactics) on his fellow contestants immediately.

From Maraamu (which wears yellow):
Gina Crews is a University of Florida Gator and a nature guide from Gainesville, FL. Her luxury item is an “adventure bag”, which is a nice way of saying she brought a lot of condoms to the island.
Sean Rector is from Harlem, NY, but currently teaches school in South Central LA. Not surprisingly (as we shall see), his luxury item is a Bible.
Sarah Jones was born in Alaska but is now an account manager in Newport Beach, CA. She has visited every state in the USA. Her luxury item is a pillow, one of three she has brought to the island . Sarah will be a major topic of this summary conversation as we go along, and I can hear the females of this board sharpening their claws from here.
Rob Mariano is a construction worker from Canton, MA. He was born on Christmas Day (Dec. 25 th), which IMHO really svcks on getting those presents, ifyouknowwhatImean. Let’s just face it now: Rob is not going to be known for his brains. “How dumb is he?” asks the SB chorus. Well, the only way to describe him is this: Imagine, if you will, Amber Brkich and Silas Gaither producing a child together…
Vecepia Towery, a.k.a. “Vee”, is from Portland, OR. She is a U.S. Air Force veteran and works an office manager. Dangerkitty and other cats are going to like Vee.
Peter Harkey is a bowling alley owner from Millis, MA. It’s not surprising that his job features a ball with holes in it. Peter is fascianated by holes, as we shall see.
Patricia Jackson is a truck assembler from Lugoff, SC. She served as a volunteer in the 1996 Atlanta Olympics and apparently didn’t learn her lesson, as she has also volunteered for Survivor. Let’s just say that the “no food provided” element of the show will be most very good for her health and easy for her to withstand.
Hunter Ellis is a former U.S. Navy officer and pilot and presently is a FedEx pilot, living in La Jolla, CA. He would probably like to ship himself FedEx back home right now, having seen what he’s gotten into with this show.

Their destination is the island of Nuka Hiva, which means “Nuclear Hive” after the atomic tests conducted in the 1950s. Yes, Virginia, those glass rocks are glowing for a reason.

On their raft, the members of Rotu realize they are not making progress. “We’re not making progress.” say the Rotu rowers. “Maybe we should try using these paddles.” says Judge Paschal. “Let the record show” that His Honor has the honor of the first “confessional” conversation with the camera. Meanwhile, Zoe starts a rhythm for rowing “Rowwww Tu! Rowwww Tu!” and they finally get moving. Zoe “confesses” that this helped them grow together as a team. They’re going to need a lot more help than that, Zoe. As they make landfall, Tammy cries out “we made it! We’re so thrilled!”. Judge Paschal exclaims “Thank God we made it!” in what will be the last time we hear from him this whole episode. Guys, I hate to break this news to you, but this is just the beginning of the show. You ONLY have 38 days left.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Meanwhile, Maraamu heads to their camp. Sean takes it upon himself to help SB summary writers with names for his fellow contestants. He begins with Sarah, whom he labels “Cleopatra”, as she is not paddling the raft. “Her boobs are hanging out” he observes as Sarah proudly displays said endowments for the camera. He does have a point, she could be using her endowments to help float the boat instead of sitting up there showing them off. “Save it.” says Sean, “This is Survivor, nobody is trying to catch you like that here.” Speak for yourself, Sean. And the fact that this is Survivor is EXACTLY why we are seeing so much of Sarah. And Rob doesn’t seem to mind as Sarah jumps off the raft into his arms, her endowments striking him square in the face. To emphasize the point, the camera gives a full body shot of Sarah’s magnificent body as she walks along the beach. How to describe Sarah? I can only describe her this way: Imagine, if you will, Jerri Manthey and Kelly Goldsmith producing a child together, with just a little bit of Lindsey thrown in…

Sean is overcome as they make landfall and collapses on the beach. He and Peter join hands and pray thanks to God. “I’ve never been on the ocean before.” explains Sean. “Brothers don’t really swim too much.” No, please say it ain’t so. Don’t tell me MB has found yet someone else to bring racial stereotypes into his shows. Sean adds “God has performed this miracle, His hand was on the raft.” No, Sean. The Christian God is a loving God, and would never curse you to a show this wretched. Rob “confesses” that Sean and Peter could be forming an early alliance. “They might be forming an early alliance.” says Rob, “Or else they’re just off their rockers.” It would seem the latter choice is the more obvious.

Rotu opens their crate of supplies and the look on their faces is one of the most priceless in the Survivor shows’ history, as they realize that there is NO food in the box. Not a chaff of wheat, an ear of corn, or a can of beans. Not even a grain of rice. “Oh well, that’s tough.” says Nelah, as she grabs a fruit from a nearby abundance of fruit trees. The players try to recover from their shock and find that the box does contain 2 machetes, 2 cooking pots, 2 water containers, 1 frying pan, and 1 filet knife, all stolen from the Iron Chef Kitchen Stadium. Apparently these shows try to recycle things from each other. We’ve seen how Combat Missions took the red wall light for their Discharge Room from Murder In Small Town X. And we’ll see another big example later.

Also, there is a magnifying glass. The spirits of the contestants brighten considerably as they realize that they have the magnifying glass. John says that the first thing to do is get a fire started. The Rotu show their intelligence by using their water map as kindling to start the fire. Good thinking, guys! It doesn’t work, though, as Robert confesses. Kathy is distressed, thinking that they need the fire NOW. “We need fire NOW.” Kathy exclaims. Goldilocks (Gabriel) takes exception to Kathy’s attitude. “She’s acting like the Skipper and we don’t need a skipper.” he says. Thank you for that observation, Gilligan. Tammy shows her reporterette skills by reporting that “there is no fire for today.” Film at 11.

Back at Maraamu, Hunter is evolving as the leader of the tribe. Gina is already lusting for him. “I’m so in love with Hunter. He’s hot, he’s a pilot, and I can’t wait to find out how good he is in a rubber raft… er, bed.” she gushes. Sean’s name for Hunter is “McGyver.” I’m sure the SB tribe will come up with a better name for him than that. Then Sean adds “I call him McGyver because he has way too much energy for me.” No energy, Sean? Laziness? Darn it, MB * has * done it again! Add Sean to that illustrious Survivor list of Gervase, Nick and Clarence. But Sean is not through. “I’m an Alpha male, too, and I resent it that Sarah and Gina are looking at other men. I’m from Harlem, and I am represented!” Represented? By who? Whoever it was, they did you no favor recommending you to be on THIS show, Sean. Get your money back…

Meanwhile, Vecepia has been working hard. “I tried for all of 15 minutes to get a fire going. I got some good smoke and it made me high.” Please, Vecepia, just do a Skupin now. Peter, however, has been into yoga. “I can take nice long, deep breaths.” brags Peter. “That will help with lighting the fire.” We wonder about Peter’s breathing techniques, but cannot complain about the results: Maraamu has fire.

As night falls, a smoky moon fills the sky in a picture that could have been borrowed from Temptation Island or any previous Survivor. MB likes to save money by recycling scenes. He could have saved TONS of money by sparing us this show. But I digress. Speaking of Temptation Island, the women of Maraamu must have tried out for that show and got this one by mistake. Sarah is telling the guys that she wants a “monkey.” Vecepia is in confessional, changing to her secret identity of “Meow Girl” and sharpening her claws as she delivers some of the best lines of the show: “Sarah has a nice body. She paid a lot for it.” says Meow Girl. Rob would pay a lot for it, too, judging by the longing look he is giving Sarah as she stripteases by firelight. Vecepia continues to sharpen her claws: “If you have it, flaunt it. I don’t think Sarah is using her body to get through this game…” (That makes one of us, Meow Girl.) “…but if she connects with the right guy, that will help her get through it.” As if on cue, Rob and Sarah head to the rubber raft and make themselves comfortable. Gina “confesses” that “They’re flirting.” Duh! “Are they making an alliance or making a baby?” Gina wonders. “You shouldn’t put yourself in that position if you don’t want people to think that.” Think what? I suspect that they don’t care if everyone knows that they’re making an alliance AND a baby right about now. And just what hypocrite was lusting after Hunter mere moments ago? “Actually, I’m jealous because Sarah got to the rubber raft before I could drag Hunter into it and jump his bones and bang him right in front of everyone.” finishes Gina. Ah, the truth comes out.

Back at Rotu the next morning, Gabriel points out that the tribe needs water. Kathy finds the water site, but wonders in confession if she’s being “b!+c#y.” Rotu goes to the site and finds a waterfall and swimming pool, which makes them ecstatic. Yep, MB is making damn sure we see water in this series. Nelah gushes “I couldn’t believe my eyes. This is awesome!” Poor Nelah. She’s young and she hasn’t gotten around outside Utah much, I guess. Welcome to the world, Nelah.

Sean and Vecepia show off their skills by juggling the melons that have been collected, excluding Sarah's melons, of course. Rob, meanwhile, hears the “cockle-doodle-doo” of a rooster and salivates. “Is that a turkey?” Rob asks. “I don’t know if chickens make that sound, too.” MB recycles some Tom Buchanan “hoe-down” music from S-3 as Rob tries to chase down the rooster. Michael Skupin he ain’t. The rooster flies into a tree. “Those things can’t fly, can they?” asks Rob as he looks up at the rooster in the tree. Rob tries waiting out the rooster, who tires of the game and flies off. “I had no idea a rooster could fly.” says a dejected Rob as he returns to camp. Rob, WE have no idea how someone as dumb as you managed to fill out a Survivor application. Maybe MB chose you because he was intrigued by the use of crayon on the application. Meanwhile, Hunter lectures Rob on chasing the rooster. “Rob, you’re a dumb as a rock. We’re trying to get some work done here and you run off after a rooster without knowing if it can fly or not.” Instead of telling Hunter what body orifice to put it in, Rob contritely says that he’ll have to work hard to fit into the group. Since S-3’s Brandon is not here to spell it out for you, I will: Rob has become Hunter’s b!+c#.

Back at Rotu, John picks a fight with Kathy because she thinks building a fire is important. Everyone else watches in shock, and Judge Paschal, who is supposed to be a mediator, just walks away wordlessly. So what does John do? As Kathy is trapped in “confession”, John builds a fire. They boil water and drink a toast and everyone is friends again.

Maraamu got short-changed, as their water source is a spring and not a waterfall or swimming pool. Just keep the elephants away from it. Back at camp, Peter says “I’ve been doing most of the work” but he is rescued by Sean. They get in the rubber raft (no, I’m not going there) and Sean tells Peter to just relax. “It’s called ‘chillin’ ‘” says Sean. “Is that Harlem-ese for ‘lazy’” asks Peter. “Yes. Ain’t chillin’ fun?” replies Sean. Fortunately for this summary writer, the other contestants gather around the raft.

And it begins.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

“We’re having a real conversation,” says Peter, “and it’s nice to have a real conversation with people.” Peter’s idea of a real conversation, however, does not match up with the rest of us. Peter begins to discuss things, but it’s hard to hear because the ocean waves become UNUSUALLY loud as he talks. Rob “confesses” that the conversation was holy. “He was talking about being holy. I thought he was being spiritual, but realized that he meant ‘holey’ as in body holes.” Yes, Peter is talking about being aware of and controlling all the holes of the body. The others stare in nauseated disbelief as Peter continues. Finally Patricia proclaims “I’ve had enough.” and walks away. True to form, Rob declares “I don’t understand a thing you’re saying.” Why do I expect to hear Rob say that many more times before this show is over?

Peter tries to blame Sean for the conversation. “I’m just chillin’ here.” says Peter, trying out his newly learned word. This conversational disaster is brought to an end, bringing up something this writer has always wanted to do:

TREEMAIL!!!

If you want to do well
On this lousy show,
With the fires of hell
Your torches must glow.

Into the water you go,
With boats lined with lead,
You lose if you’re slow,
That is-- if you don’t wind up dead.

The winners will receive
Just a pat on the back,
But the losers will leave
With a player to sack.

A wooden catamaran accompanies the treemail note. “Oh no, we have to row again!” exclaims someone. No such luck, friend. The teams assemble for the challenge, Maraamu walking up in a hand-held circle. Gina and Hunter are exchanging flirtatious looks and smiles. Rotu saunters up without worrying about holding hands. JP asks Sean about rowing in from the ship. “Y’all are crazy.” Sean responds with remarkable insight.

JP reminds everyone that there will be no matches given out as well as no food. Moving along, Jiffy Probe explains the challenge. “Are you guys ready for this?” “No.” the players reply, then fall silent. “CUT!” screams MB. “Get it right!” Jiffy again explains the challenge. Are you ready for this?” he asks. “Yes! Woohoo!” the players cheer with false enthusiasm B.S. attitude. JP lets them touch the Immunity Idol. It must be a Survivor rule that the Immunity Idol has to be butt-ugly. And judging from this angle, “butt” is operative word, as the idol is mostly butt. “If you lose, you go to the Tribal Council hut.” JP adds, pointing at the T.C. hut. Wait! I think I’ve seen that hut before! Yes it’s… well, we’ll get back to that later.

Making a long story short (too late), Maraamu can’t get their fire lit, so they light their torches from one of Rotu’s flaming woks. However, Rotu, despite Judge Pascal struggling, gets a big lead and coasts in to victory. Seeing they’ve lost, Maraamu throws down their catamaran on the path.. “CUT!” yells MB. “Get it right!” Maraamu picks up their catamaran and runs to the finish like good little MB contestants. Maraamu gets MB back, however, by clapping politely as Rotu receives the Immunity Idol. “Thank God!” exclaims Maraamu. “One of us gets to leave this show!” As Rotu cheers its victory, Paschal takes the opportunity to kiss all the girls. Smart man. I wonder if Gina’s adventure bag contains any Viagra for the old judge.

As scenes of a fog-shrouded valley at sunset fill our TV screens, Maraamu try to decide who will be voted out. Rob has this very worried look on his face. Everyone at confession lies about their plans. Hunter tells the biggest whopper by saying “Alliances don’t mean anything right now.” Yeah, Hunter. Right. Don’t let that growing nose hit the camera. Peter thinks that they should vote out the weakest player (Patricia), a good idea considering that everyone else wants to vote out Peter. Patricia makes her case for not being voted out. Gina says she doesn’t want to talk about it in the group, chastising Peter strongly. Sean “confesses” that he’ll vote for Sarah because she’s worthless and all she has are her “floatation devices.” On cue, the camera shows Sarah and Rob swimming. Sarah, used to being on her back, is swimming that way, showing us her “floatation devices.” Sean also says that the more males in the group, the better. “I’m not chauvinistic.” Sean adds, his nose growing and striking the camera. Well then, Sean, what does that make you? (Don’t go there, Dawg… just don’t go there… he's represented, y'know.)

Peter hugs everyone as they leave for Tribal Council, as if he knows something. They hike along the beach, showing yet more water. They arrive at the Tribal Council hut. Sure enough, it’s the same hut used for bonfires on Temptation Island II !! Yet another recycled reality-show product. The contestants light their torches and endure JP’s speeches about fire being life, the ancient rituals of sacrifice and how they’ll sacrifice a player tonight. Oh, if ONLY we could REALLY sacrifice these guys to appease the gods of reality TV! JP tells everyone that “One of you must suffer the humiliating dishonor of being the first person voted out.” then moves directly to Peter with the first of his usual questions, asking Peter if he fits in. Peter, sporting a stupid grin on his face the whole time, replies “No, I’m not comfortable. Nobody else here understands the importance of holes, especially holes in the body.” Sarah is asked if she has a role to play. “Of course, Jiffy.” she replies. “I’m here to draw in the male audience with my marvelous, expensive body. Can’t you see that?” In the background, the sound of Vee’s claws being sharpened on a rock can be heard, so JP asks Vecepia who the leader is. “Hunter takes the role of leader, at least whenever we can stop Gina from humping against his leg.” “What about the phrase ‘walk of shame’?” asks JP. “That was invented on the last Survivor!” exclaim the players. “How do you know that? It’s on TV as you’re being filmed here!” asks an astonished JP. “Uhhh, my adventure bag has a satellite hookup.” confesses Gina.

JP explains to the tribe to put their vote on the paper in clear block letters. “Don’t worry, Rob.” assures JP, “We’ll have someone to help you with the writing part.” The worry that has been on Rob’s face all day is instantly gone.

They vote. The ancient-looking stylus becomes a modern looking Magic Marker when the cap is removed. Peter’s vote for Pat is shown, Pat’s is not shown, so you know Pat is not in trouble but Peter is. Sarah sashays her hips as she struts up, and her vote for Peter is shown. Sean is the last one and his vote for Sarah is shown. “I love you like a play-cousin” Sean says. Help me out, folks, and translate that Harlem-ese. Does it mean what I think it means?

Peter is waxed after 4 votes for him accumulate. JP says the last one will remain a mystery, but astute dawgs have learned and told me that the mystery vote was indeed for Peter also. Peter gives the thumbs-up to his former tribemates (“Thanks for getting me out of here, guys!” he implies) and takes the walk of shame, with the background surf VERY well lit by strong lights... this is just to make sure we got the point as MB once again reinforces the fact that water WILL be featured on this series. Peter's closing remarks are that he took himself too seriously, but learned a lot of new words.