Previously on Survivor
· Boran and Samburu merged to form a new tribe: Motorola? Matahari? MoJo JoJo? Vita-Meta-Mini-Vac? No, it’s Moto Maji which ironically means "dumbass name" in Swahili
· T-birdbrain got immunity by winning the world’s longest pit hair challenge. Nice work sweetie - an endorsement deal from Gillette is right around the corner
· And, in an stunningly anti-climatic tribal council, Clarence "Please Don’t Spill the Beans" Black was voted out by an 8-2 vote.

Wait a minute - 8-2? Who didn’t vote the way Lex told them to? Who would dare vote against King Lex? Will the monarch discover the snake among his minions? Perhaps we’ll find the answer to this and many other pertinent questions on tonight’s episode of SURVIVOR AFRICA

----But first, here’s 10 minutes of commercials ----

Now about these commercials - what’s with Fresh Prince Ali? When did Will Smith get so buff? Are they gonna do a prequel called Cassius? And where’s the Smokin’ Joe Frazier movie? That’s the one I wanna see.

Wow - JCPenney has some great advertising - We should all shop there. Everyday. And twice on Saturday. It’s all inside. JCPenney. this message brought to you by pooh - the great entity of the thread and loyal employee of the JCPenney Creative Advertising Department Now back to the show....

DAY 22 Snake Charmers

The sun is not shining on Moto Maji today my friends. Sadly, a storm cloud has passed over our intrepid survivors. It’s the cloud of betrayal, and it’s raining all over Lex’s coronation parade. The angry aging rocker is furious that two votes were cast against him at last night’s tribal council.

Lex (confessional) There is a poisonous snake in camp and that snake also has cancer because it smokes. And I will kill that smoking snake, and I will slit his throat, and I will know who the snake that ate the rat is. Because the cheese stands alone, man. I’m telling you the cheese stands alone. I will find out who moved my cheese. I am the cheese and the rat will not eat me. Even if it is Brandon. Because the cheese stands alone. Oh yes - the cheese stands alone.

Uh-huh. So maybe Lithium would have been a better luxury item for you dude.

Kappa Kappa Kelly and Lex confer around the campfire. Basically, Lex makes her swear on her brother’s life that she didn’t vote for him. Excuse me? What is up with Lex and swearing on the lives of little boys? That’s like the third time he’s done that. There’s gotta be a Michael Jackson joke in here somewhere, but for the life of me - I can’t find it. Honestly, the whole thing is creeping me out a little so let’s just move on.

Lex continues to rage on about snakes and rats and the like. When he goes into that zone, I start to doodle instead of taking notes. I’m getting really good at drawing a smoking snake BTW.

Here’s some insight from Kappa Kappa Kompassionate on Lex’s tirade:
Kelly (confessional) Lex is acting like I stole his cookies or something. And that’s fine. But Dude, it says right here in my script that we don’t even get the cookies until after the reward challenge. Alzheimers much, Dad?

It really is quite a spectacle. UTR is not an acronym in his lexicon. Lex is much more familiar with SOB.

The Lyin’ Queen finds Lex’s little tirade quite funny.
Brandon (confessional) Lex is just on this massive ego trip about the snake. Snake this and snake that. I swear I wish I had done it! Yoohoo - Lex! My snake needs to be interrogated.

Then in another subtle example of Survivor storytelling: We get an extreme close-up of Teresa’s bulbous head and her incredibly large fangs - I mean teeth. And I may be wrong but I think she has a forked tongue.

Teresa (confessional) I just voted for him. I didn’t mean anything by it. I wish I hadn’t now. I guesssss it wasss a ssstupid thing to do. Ssso I’m really ssssorry but I’m not gonna ssssay anything about being the ssssnake. That would be ssssilly

Next thing you know King Clueless is confiding in Teresa:

Lex I know it wasn’t you Teresa. I wish I could smoke the snake out. But I totally trust you. I know you are good. We’re tight. I can feel it in my gut.

Teresa Thanksssss!
Is it just me or is she totally channeling Kaa from the Jungle Book? Tink, the Disney references are for you my little pixie! Come on, don’t you think it’s odd that Lex’s eyes are all swirly and he keeps acting like one of the chickens? Maybe he’s been hypnotized. Surely Teresa isn’t really this sinister.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Teresa (confessional) I hate lying. I hate not being truthful. I’m lying to me and I don’t like it. Paper covers rock. The smeller is the feller. Fly the friendly skies. Why does everyone keep calling me Tina?

Ok - so maybe she’s not that sinister. Maybe Lex has a massive ego that clouds his judgment and forces him to continually make bad decisions that not only defy logic but basically give away a million dollars to an undeserving group of losers. But I digress.

TREEMAIL!

This season is awful
Mark Burnett’s in a funk
That’s why the next challenge
Is a lame catapult

Poetry has never been my strong suit, sorry!

Bonus - There are special guests at the reward challenge! Jiffy brings out Charles and Issac, better known as the Goat Brothers. They had a big hit in the ‘60s with some R&B song called "Twist Has No Clout".

Anyway, they’ve come on some hard times and now they’re stuck doing celebrity appearances on reality shows. It could be worse. They could be on Weakest Link, the Star Trek Special - that’s just sad.

The reward is two goats to barter in an African Village. First person to get all their items into a bucket wins.

In what can only be described as Riverdance for Dummies, our fearless Survivors proceed to jump up and down a lot and hurl things into the air. Another one of those expensive, elaborate challenges that Survivor is known for. I love how the bean bags bogarted from a Toss Across game soar through the air. WOW! I wonder what Joey and Chandler are doing.

Ethan wins! His award? Appearing shirtless with Michael Flatley on the next PBS telethon. Actually, that’s really more of a reward for us isn’t it? I can’t wait to see his hair bundled up in a glittery headband! Oh yeah - he also gets to take the goats to town tomorrow.

And how weird is it that the very first commercial after this is Savion Glover stomping it up for Cingular Wireless? He would have kicked ass at that challenge.

DAY 23 - Ethan and Lex’s Excellent Adventure

Dawn brings Jiffy to camp. Ethan has been collecting hats and other crap from around the campsite to trade away when he’s in town. Let me step out of my snarky, flippant tone for a second to say that Ethan is just adorable. OK - back to mean mode.

They bring back the bus from Episode 1 to transport Ethan and his goats. It looks quite a bit like Scooby Doo’s Magic Mystery Machine. So when Jiffy tells Shaggy - I mean Ethan - that he can bring a guest along with him it’s only natural that he picks Lucky Dog Scooby - I mean Lex. Ruh-roh.

So they make it to the thriving metropolis of Wamba. Our Survivors are pretty conspicuous. They have to unload the goats and find a place to sell them. Judging by the way they were fumbling with the goat’s SAC <click> maybe Brandon would have been a better choice for this reward.

They look high and low for a friendly farmer like Tom to sell the goats to. They are hoping for a nice green pasture or a lush fertile valley for their goats to frolic in, but finding none - they just sell them to slaughter for $25. They wave a fond farewell to the butcher and start to roam the town like Frank Sinatra and Gene Kelly in "On the Town".

Wamba, Wamba - a wonderful town.
The shacks are up
And the game reserve’s down
The people poop in a hole in the ground
Wamba Wamba - It’s a wonderful town!

I love musicals!

While our boys are looking for a restaurant, a crowd forms around them as they wander the streets. These lucky Wambanians have the honor and distinction of being Ethan’s first groupies. I am SO jealous!

Finally they find someplace to eat. They almost order the special of the day - the goats they just sold - but instead opt for something off the regular menu. The choices: maize, catburgers or french fries. Hmmm - tough call.

They both pig out on the greasy fries. Ethan gets a pop (not a Mountain Dew though - I love a media whore with ethics) and Lex gets a beer. After eating all that grease Ethan gets a rumbly in his tumbly and needs to partake of the facilities. Hours pass before he emerges. Afterwards, the whole town smells like ass.

Now it’s time to barter away their remaining money and their tribemates’s stuff. Lots of knick knack crap changes hands. Really - this stuff is universal. It’s just like a day trip to Tijuana - there’s even a donkey or two and a black velvet Elvis painting. They settle on some stuff and prepare to call it a day.

Ethan even traded away his Reebok shirt for some more bracelets for his sweethearts back at camp. It was so beautiful. Almost like a fable or something. It was like "The Gift of the Moto Maji"! Oh come on! It ain’t easy working in a seasonal literary reference. What would you have me do? "Twas the Night Before Tribal Council" … "It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Tick Ass"?

Next Ethan played hacky sack with the kids in town. Then, as the sentimental music crescendoed, (so we know it’s meaningful), Shaggy and Scoob board the Mystery Machine for the trip back home.

Meanwhile, Back at tribal camp, everyone is enjoying Lex’s absence. Teressssa, The Lyin’ Queen and Lady Marmalade (get it - she’s Li’l Kim ) decide to make a move at tribal council. They’re gonna try to recruit Kappa Kappa Kelly to their side.

Soon, Lex and Ethan return back to camp with all their goodies. But before they pass it out - Ethan reflects on what it’s like being away from camp

Ethan (confessional) I know everyone was talking about me while I was gone. And I’m pretty sure that Lil’ Kim stole my flag. She’s wearing it around her ass.
Ethan sweetie - paranoia will destroy you!

So he passes out all the treasures. Such a generous guy! Candy for everyone and a whole case of cookies. He even bought personalized T-shirts for everybody. They read "My tribemates went to Wamba and all I got was some crappy cookies" Joke courtesy of moonbaby - thanks sweetie!

Ethan is feeling the love of the other Survivor and breaks into yet another interpretive dance. Don’t do that again baby ok - we don’t want an Asinine Dance Tracker. ADT isn’t catchy at all!

Li’l Kim and Kelly go to the fetch the water - the only job females are allowed to do in Moto Maji. Kim does her best to convince Kelly to join them and vote off Lex. Kelly wishes her luck on her little coup but she thinks she’ll stay put.

Li’l Kim (confessional) I think Kelly wants to come over and play but her dad won’t let her. He’s really strict. If she gets off restriction, we’ll totally hang out together. The only chance we have is to get her to join us and vote off Lex - But if Lex wins immunity, it’s game over.

Note Here’s a hint at how evil Mr. Burnett really is. To me, this seemed like it was ripped from the Foreshadowing 101 syllabus. Like there’d be some dramatic showdown between Lex and one other person for immunity and Lex would win and then they couldn’t vote for him. But what it really meant was, well - actually it didn’t mean squat.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE
Can we all breathe a collective sigh of relief that there was no tree mail letter shown. I think we’ve had enough bad pooh poetry for one episode!

Yet another big budget extravaganza for immunity: the shadow box memory game. The survivors have a minute or so to memorize what’s in the box and where. Then Jiffy calls out a number and has them gather what was in the box and put it in their own replica. Man, this sounds complicated when you write it up. Y’all saw the show - you know what they did.

First round - they had to find a leaf and a seed pod.
Frank (he was in this episode?) , Kim and Kim all got eliminated

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Second round: they had to retrieve some elephant dung.
buhbye Kelly & Teresa
Lex really excelled in this round he found a big piece of elephant crap.
Jiffy Woah Lex - Size really does matter
Lex Yes, Jiffy I really am a colossal piece of sh*t

Now we’re down to Brandon, Ethan, Lex and Tom - the Belt Boys!
In this, the final round, the boys have to find as many of the items as possible. Most in wins. And here’s a shocker! Ethan wins!!! Superstar!!! I am SO gonna marry him!

DAY 24 Destiny’s Child

Really that title has nothing to do with what happens but doesn’t the music they play at the beginning of each segment sound just like "Say My Name Say My Name"?

So - here’s a shocker - this morning starts just like every morning. Lex is looking for a snake. Ho-hum. The Lyin’ Queen has informed him that Kelly is a free agent. She’s gonna switch to Samburu and vote to kick Lex off.

Lex thinks all the signs point to Kelly and his gut agrees. His gut might be a little out of whack considering he’s still digesting the greasy goat burgers from yesterday, but ok. Go with it dude.

He offers Brandon the opportunity to be the fifth wheel in the Boran alliance. Wow - Godfather - way to make him an offer he can refuse! But Brandon agrees to vote out Kelly and join forces with Boran.

Lex I found my cheese. My gut is good. The cheese cannot stand alone. The cheese needs crackers. Will you be my cracker?
Tom I ain’t no cracker.

Yeah - the reasoning behind this isn’t real clear to me either. But even though they only have Brandon’s assurances, the rest of Boran agrees to vote out Kelly and put their trust in Brandon.

Yup - wise move. 6 days ago you had a 2-man advantage and now you will be even. This season, GUT stands for Grand Unified Travesty .
Lex, the cheese soon will really stand alone.

Meanwhile, Lex’s boneheaded plan and lame-ass excuses clue Kelly in that she really has no choice but to join up with the Samburu.

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Sorry, the recap is gonna get short here because I’m tired. Here’s the Reader’s Digest Version
Lex acted like an ass, Ethan was adorable, Tom said something but I have no idea what it was and Li’l Kim managed to talk for 5 minutes without actually saying anything.

Time for the vote
Lex Kelly. You dirty rat. You killed my brother.
Kelly Lex. When I vote for you, you’ll know it.
Brandon Kelly - I promised Lex I would vote for you. I want to get to the Final Four

no one else’s votes were shown.

Jiffy’s tally of the votes
Kelly
Kelly
Lex
Lex
Lex
Kelly
Lex
Kelly
Kelly

Kelly the tribe has spoken - it’s time for you to go.

Next time on Survivor
· Tom joins 3rd Eye Blind
· Deputy Kim shoots Brandon
· Lex is shaken and mentally disturbed

the great entity of the thread