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SURVIVOR III EPISODE SUMMARIES
EPISODE 7: "Mmmm... Tryptophan" - By 'SherpaDave'

A D V E R T I S E M E N T
A D V E R T I S E M E N T
Is it just the tryptophan talking, or was this the most boring episode of this show ever? It's taken me four days just to rub the sleep gunk out of my eyes enough to write this. If this show gets any worse, I fully expect to see one of the characters give birth in an effort to save ratings. Ah, well. On with the summary.

Previously, on TV Guide's "The Worst Show You're All Watching" ™: actually, just read OFG's excellent summary from last week. It's all in there. And frankly, you might want to just reread that one instead of reading this one. It's a helluva lot funnier than what follows.

One thing I will say quickly about last week's action, though. Either the editors union went on strike about the same time as the writers did, or the last potentially interesting person on the show got voted off last week. Seriously, who do we hate now? Let's look at the candidates.

Brandon's a possibility, but he's actually starting to act like he knows how to play the game. Frank seemed to be a good choice, but with his bow skills, that'd be a little like hating Elmer Fudd, wouldn't it? Tom? Nah, he's starting to sound suspiciously like a southern sherpa, and may even be more of a lech than your not-so-humble writer. How can you hate that? One of the Kims? Zzzzzz. Teresa, perhaps? Aside from the omnipresent Braves hat, what's to hate? Clarence? He was a good candidate once upon a time, but his chicken taunting is just TOO endearing, no? Ethan might be a thought, but really, with all his paranoia, does anyone else think that just maybe the Blowsvivor stash somehow made its way onto the set? How about Kelly? Hmm, Kelly might be a possibility. It all comes down to either her or Lex at this point. Look for Burnit to really start pushing our buttons with one of these two. And soon.

So what about the show itself, you ask? Well, let's see what we have here in my copious notes. We begin with a Brandi interview:

Brandi: Ding dong, the witch is dead! Which old witch? The Lindsey witch! Ding dong, the wicked witch is dead! Mmmm… ding dong. Now that she's gone, I just need to get rid of Little Bit to move toward my master plan of being left alone in the wild with a bunch of desperate men.

As the sun rises on Day 19, Clarence takes a dump and somehow fails to notice a herd of elephants headed his way until he's burying his caca.

Clarence: Damn, that would have to be the most embarrassing way to die.

No, Clarence, take a look at this:

PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly - and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It's just one of those freak accidents."
A D V E R T I S E M E N T
A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Yeah, that has nothing whatsoever to do with the show, but it was the first thing that popped into my head when Clarence said that. Aren't you glad I shared?

Pretty much everyone then speculates about whether or not there is going to be a merge. Yawn. The sheer number of times this is explored makes it painfully obvious that there will, in fact, be a merge, presumably right after the first commercial break.

Meanwhile, we get a hint that Frank may not be what he appears to be, i.e., human.

Frank: What is this brunch you speak of?

The others explain the novel concept of a pig-out between breakfast and lunch, and he runs off to make a report to his home planet.

Back at the Fallen Rats' camp, Lex is wooing Tom.

Lex: Hey, Big Tom. Look what I'm making for you. It's an uberspoon for my very own uberspoon! And just like the most special part of my uberspoon, it's made outta wood. Rowr!

Kelly (in interview): Think maybe someone should tell Lex that just because Tom is big, fat, and likes to show his ass doesn't mean he's the second coming of Rich?

Mercifully, that day ends and we move ahead to Day 20 and tree mail.

Clarence: It's male. It's big. It's nasty. It's Tom. Oh, wait. It's mail, not male. My bad.

Now remember when merge was sort of exciting, with all kinds of intrigue involved? Like where would the camp be, sending ambassadors, all that good stuff? Apparently, Burnit is bored with the show, too, because this time, Jiffy just tosses everyone their new bandannas and tells 'em to pick a camp. Upon seeing the new green bandannas, everyone fondly remembers Jessie's vomit and they choose the Boran camp.

Jiffy also introduces the new immunity necklace, which, if memory serves, was last seen around the necks of Will Smith and Kevin Kline in "Wild, Wild West." All I'm saying is if anyone sees and flying saw blades around, they might want to think twice about winning immunity.

The challenge is to recreate the best part of Chicago's old Commiskey Park, the hanging showers. I always wondered what happened to those. Each contestant is strapped to one of the bucket showers and we get to see who among the women has had access to razors.

After a mere fourteen minutes, Kelly and Mama Kim are overcome by the fact that nobody used their Arid Extra Dry today and bow out. They pretend they're at Tribal Council and immediately start voting people out. Brandi follows four minutes later.

As the challenge progresses, we see Frank using his limited telekinesis to keep the bucket from toppling as he waves frantically at it. Stacey Stillman's lawyers take notes.

At 36 minutes, Little Bit joins the wet t-shirt contest. This makes Tom horny, and eight minutes later, he's gone. Frank's telekinetic powers have finally exhausted him and he goes down at 55 minutes.

And then… Teresa suddenly thinks she's Andrea McCardle. Apparently, she thinks that auditions are being held for "Nostradamus: The Musical" and she's missing 'em. She belts out "Tomorrow" and the others politely clap. Personally, if I was still in the challenge at that point, the cramps from trying to not wet my pants would've forced me to succumb, but this strategy of hers hasn't worked on anyone else.

At two hours and seventeen minutes, Jiffy offers anyone who steps down a cheeseburger. People are tempted, but none of 'em go, and those already out chow down. Everyone looks at Little Bit to see if she'll puke.

At three hours and ten minutes, Jiffy offers pizza. No takers and the losers eat again. Little Bit still hasn't urped. A scant eight minutes later, Lex bows out. Ethan drops out at 3:38. He wanted to drop out at 3:10, but his paranoia told him that the food was poisoned, so he gutted it out to save himself from the dreaded pizza.
A D V E R T I S E M E N T
A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Clarence challenges Teresa to a game of Red Rover, and she almost falls for it and runs at him. But you've gotta get up pretty early in the morning to fool a stewardess, it seems. Clarence then tries to talk the losers into some sort of voting scheme, which he whispers, for some bizarre reason. They all do the wave and sing "Na Na Hey Hey Good-Bye."

Jiffy comes around again at four hours and thirty minutes with fried chicken, Clarence's Achilles Heel. He somehow talks T into a game of Rock/Paper/Scissors. He throws down paper, she throws down rock. He was planning on cheating, but hasn't seen good rock since he left Detroit and gets distracted. T wins, T wins!

Back at camp, there's a feast. Frank assumes it's this strange brunch custom again and goes to gather wood and file another report with his home planet. He edits his entry about Earth, changing it from "Harmless" to "Mostly harmless." Kelly, in another interview, comments that Frank needs Prozac, but what he really needs is his Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator back before he gets very, very angry indeed.

The tribe then plays "I Never." Tom announces that pretty much everyone in the tribe gets him all hot and bothered. If he wins this whole damned thing, I'm seriously considering filing a paternity suit.

Brandon tries to show off by saying that he never had sex in an airplane and immediately drinking, but nobody even notices, because T immediately announces that for some stewardesses, good service doesn't end with a bag of peanuts.

Frank attempts to play, and almost gives himself away by saying "I never will understand these strange earth customs." He then ambles away to see if he can find a more intelligent species.

Elephant (in interview): I don't know what the hell that thing was, but I'm glad I was upwind. The way he was waving his arm behind his ass, he must've let off one serious fart.

Frank (in interview): Why doesn't anything on this planet understand Alpha Centaurian Sign Language? I must've told that thing to take me to its leader a dozen times.

Finally, we see the tribe deciding on a new name. In a clear sign that Lex is in serious trouble, nobody but him can remember the name, but I think it's Mojo Jojo.

Day 20 mercifully ends and we get all the inevitable discussion about who's gonna go. Several people comment on how much they dislike Lex and really like Clarence, so you know CB is in serious trouble. Kelly once again questions Lex's ethics in her interview, and it's becoming clear that she's in deep doodoo, too, as about half of this week's program has been Kelly face time.

About the only items of interest from the vote are that after this vote, everyone else will at least be a jury member and that T voted for Lex. Except for her and Clarence, everyone else voted for CB, and Tom even spelled it out this time! Hooked on Phonics really does work!

Anti-climactic summary? Yup. Anti-climactic show? You betcha. It's a good thing Brad Pitt isn't on my laminated list, or I'd have probably wound up summarizing "Friends" instead this week. For the sake of all of us, I hope that either upcoming episodes are more entertaining or that future summary writers are better at pulling things out of their asses than I am. Fortunately, it looks like Lex might be channeling Toni from "Love Cruise" in the next episode.

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