It's Thursday, 7:59p.m. and in my house that means one thing. The remote is taken out of my wall safe, dusted off and the channel is turned from MSNBC to CBS. It's a weekly ritual now. The children all sit around and "ohhhh" and "ahhhh" as the TV magically changes from 24 hour anthrax coverage to 1 hour of dumbass coverage. The shift is always difficult, being obsessed with the reality of the world as it stands now and reality TV shows often meld and cause questions to pop up. Such as, "Dianne survived 3 measly days in Africa, but how is she holding up delivering a mail route in a full biochem suit?" But I digress.....

As luck would have it I get the opportunity to summarize one of the most hyped episodes in Survivor history, The Twist. Imagine the possibilities! While their are many, many theories out the there, one is that the two tribes will switch one member. My question is, "Why the hell haven't they been doing this all along?" My God! Can you think of the comedic madness?! Ok..ok, for your pleasure I have brought along the WhatWouldaHappenedMobile (patent pending) so that we can all get a taste of WhatWouldaHappened(nudge, nudge) If.......say oh, I dunno....Big Tom and Brandi had been switched in Episode 3!

Set the dial on Homo and Homophobe and let's go!

Wooooshhhhh!

Episode 3 - post Tom and Brandon switch.

Here we are kids...let's sit quietly and watch at the Boran Camp where Big Tom has been replaced with Brandi!

Lex-lax: Brandi, this is for immunity. We need you to stick this feather in your buttcrack and run around!

Brandi: Ohhh! I get it. It's because I run like a drunken flamingo isn't it? The feather, the running you're just too much!

Lex-Lax:No! We need this for immunity!

Brandi: We'll you can forget it tall, tattooed and handsome. I'm still winded from getting up this morning. And besides I wouldn't dare stick that pointy sharp feather in my butt. I might poke my hampster's eye out.

Let's head over to the Samburu camp and see how Tom is interacting with his new tribemates!

Syphilis: Tom? Hey Tom, my name's Silas, Tom. Tom, I'm a good ole southern boy like you Tom.

Tom: You ain't suthern, boy. I keen smell yankee all over you.

Syphilis: No Tom! I was born in the south Tom. I went to the University of Tennesee, Tom!

Tom:(sniffing) Youn's may have been born in the souyth, but you ain't suthern. Your folks is from up north. I smell it on ya.

Syphilis: Yes, Tom. My parents WE'RE from up north. But they moved down and had me in the south...

Tom: Then ya ain't suthern..

Syphilis: Why not?!

Tom: Jest cause a cat has kittens in the oven, that don't mean I's gonna call 'em biscuits.

Touche' Big Tom....touche'.

Ok, back to the real show!

Immediately following last weeks TC...

The scene opens with a shot of a huge full moon. No, it's not Tom. We're hanging with the Samburus.

Syphilis: T, Frank, It's me your old buddy Silas. Guys could you tell me why you voted for me?

Lyndsey: Because they're old and they suck!

Syphilis: C'mon, be fair. Now seriously T, Frank...was it just because I'm an ass? Do you have something against being told who to vote for by an ass?

Brandi: Hey T, Frank.. I would have been like screw my chances, screw this, screw that...

Lyndsey: No, you wouldn't!

Brandi: Sure I would girl. Everytime I spend an evening with Jeff Probst, I'm ready to screw.

Syphilis: You guys talked about character and honesty and you just proved tonight that you're full of crap.

What?! Did he really just say that? Wait lemme rewind...

Yes! He did! I think ma just called pa kettle black.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Aside interviews the next morning:

Frank: Blah, blah.....we showed them.

T: Blah, blah....we showed them.

Syphilis: Blah, blah...they showed us.

Brandi: We have to win the next immunity challenge or we are screwed! It's frustrating to see my people say whatever comes to mind. We have to have these two people or it doesn't matter what we do.

What?! Now the voice of reason comes from Brandi? I mean, sure, it's a little muffled with that heavy lisp, but yeah, the peter bumper speaks the truth.

Day 13..

Boran

Lex-lax: Hey gang! We've got mail and it's probably the strangest mail we've ever gotten. It's laced with this white powdery stuff and...

Oh there I go again, mixing reality with reality...

Lex reads:

Pick three from your tribe to go on a quest.
We're trying to boost ratings, since you booted the chick with big breasts

Cut to Samburu, Frank reads:

Vote........or.......dr...drrr...drrrrrrraw....straws....aaaaa....and...

It was painful, so I'll finish:

Vote or draw straws and send them on their way.
The others wait but for what we won't say.

Samburu sends T, Frank and Silas. Boran sends Tom, Kelly and Lex. they hook up with Jiffy.

Jiffy: Hey tribes you suck. You're boring and no one is watching this year. Can't one of you get pregnant like that Jennifer Aniston? Never mind... hand me your buffs.

Tom starts to undress.

Jiffy: No Tom. Your buff. The headband. I don't want to see you in the buff. Your switching tribes go back to your new homes and try to be interesting.

Back at the new Samburu, Tom, Kelly and Lex arrive...

Old Samburu members: Oh My God!

New Samburu members: Like, no kidding.

Old Samburu members: No way!

New Samburu members: Way!

....and so it went. Ten minutes of exchanges out of any given Bill & Ted movie. Over to Boran...

Ethan sees the newbies arrive and thinks that all of the sudden Survivor has transformed into a grown-up version of "capture the flag."

Ethan: Get the hell away from our flag!

See?

Anywho, they talk about the camp, and the water, and other crap. Ethan wets himself everytime anyone gets near the flag.

Syphilis: They just switched us. Our minds are going crazy.

Long trek for Silas' mind from egotistical, god-complex land, I suppose.

Back at Samburu, our worst fears are confirmed. Brandi, Lyndsey and Lil Bit are lazy! I thought it was just creative editing before, but now....I'm starting to believe it. There's no firewood, no water and the shelter sucks. So Lex, Tom and Kelly take it upon themselves to make the place a bit Boranish. Back to Samburu...dizzy yet?

Syphilis: I was on the good side, now I'm on the bad side. This deal is a thorn in my side. I walked by the side of the sidewalk to get my self sideways. I don't like this side. It's the dark side. Side. Side. Side.

T and Mama Kim have a little talk and Lo and Behold...the OFA lives on! Woohoo! Rock on geezers!
Later on the "New & Improved OFA" (now with 33% more old folks), sits around the camp and tells their new tribemates how bad the young kids suck and how bad Silas sucks and how bad the government sucks and "In my day, we didn't have this new-fangled fire! We stuck our faces in the bossoms of Pteradactals to stay warm! And we liked it! Dang whipersnappers..."

Day 14

Tom: We un's got herded lika castrated bull..we'uns gots a queer and two girls...They's all tighter n'ary fourteen year old hillbilly girls special places up till her brother gets hold of 'er.

Lex-lax: ummm...could I get an interpreter or somethin'? I mean c'mon! The mans mother probably doesn't know what he's saying!

Lindsey ends up with a tick on her butt, which comes as a surprise to only Lindsey. I, for one, have said that she had a bug up her ass since day one.

Big Tom: Woohoo! Weuns gonna have a good ole fashun tick pullin'! Anu Ima gonna get to see me some youngun ass!

Lex and Tom say they can remove the tick by using boiling water on Lindsey. Much to my disappointment they decide to pour it on her rather than submerse her in it.

Tom: Bend over hunny, we'll get 'em outta thur.

Lindsey: Bend over how? Like this...

Brandi: Need me to show you hon?

They remove the tick and then Tom proceeds to lock himself into a million dollar sexual harassment lawsuit should he happen to win the game.

Reward Challenge

Goat herding. Freakin' goat herding. God help me.

So the object of this game is to herd goats. Simple as that. Yet, we still get the pleasure of Jiffy's half hour shpeal of the rules of this challenge. Goat herding...Jesus.

The winner gets chickens...again. These chickens are pretty famous by now. I'm guessing it was the same ones from Survivor 1 & 2. Anywho, both tribes have to pick a gatekeeper to keep the goats in the pen. Both tribes choose their weakest female. T for Boran, Brandon from Samburu. And they're off!

And they're done! Boran wins. The big boys of Boran finally gave up on herding and decided to carry the goats to the pen, pretty smart I guess. Big Tom hung to the rear of the herd. He was gonna see all the hot ass he could that day.

Dejected Samburu heads back to tribe and does what they do best, bitch and cry. Lyndsey cries...again, Lil Bit tries her gosh darndest to strategize (note the bulging vein on her forehead when she tries to think) and Brandi ensures his spot on every gay porn web site in the world by deep throating his rice spoon.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Brandi:.... it's such a good thing I'm gay right now..

Why? Because you'd be pumping Lyndsey and Kim full of man-love?! Trust me, being straight has little or no positive effect on the irritating shrill in Lyndsey's voice.

Back at Boran it seems that Silas and Clarence are getting a little friendship going on. The new OFA strategizes. And poor Ethan has been up for 48 staight hours making sure that no one steals the flag.

Day 15 - Immunity Challenge

The puzzle challenge...again. Jiffy tells the teams to work together and blah, blah, blah. He gives them a minute to strategize. Psssst...hey guys. Here's a good strategy: Put the puzzle together fastest! Why that's just crazy enough to work! Aaaaaand they're off!

Mama Kim stands still for most of this challenge. It's understandable, at the rate she was going she'd have more concussions than Troy Aikmen by the time this thing was over. Silas apparently got ahold on some LSD before this challenge, because he spent most of it shouting, "Look at the colors, look at the colors!" Later he learns the value of his existence, screaming, "I need a point, I need a point!"

Samburu wins immunity and Boran has to put all the puzzle piece back in the box, which is labeled "For ages 6 & up."

Back at Boran, Silas and Ethan have a little meeting. In all honesty, I tried to use Dangerkitty's SAC on these conversations, but it burned out midway though his first sentence. C'est la vie..

Silas goes on an ass kissin', back stabbin', tongue trippin', vote changin', Frank bashin', Ethan confusin' orgy. I haven't seen a guy this desperate since Love Cruise. IfyouknowwhoImean....

Tribal Council

Jiffy: Ethan what did you think when these guys came to your camp?

Ethan: Oh well, y'know...I uh...wasn't sure what to uhh...

Jiffy: Ethan do you have the flag stuffed in your pants?

Ethan: Yes! And nobody's stealing it on my beat!

Time to vote...

Silas votes for Frank.
Frank votes for Silas.
Ethan votes for Silas.
T votes for Silas.
Mama Kim votes for Silas.
Clarence votes for Silas.
Big Tom sneaks in and votes for Clarence, just for old times sake.

Tom: I'll learn you yet, boy!

And somewhere in the distance Mark Burnett tears up the million dollar check that he had mistakenly been told to fill out to Silas.

Oh well, back to MSNBC...

(yeah...It's the whole faster than a speeding bullet thing...)