Previously on Survivor:

Lindsey does a bump-and-grind; Clarence waggles his ‘nads; the GXA tell Carl to “bite down on this.”

Samburu returns to camp after Tribal Council

Lindsey: I’m still here, and I’m smiling big! (The better to bash your teeth in, my dear.) You fucked with the wrong girl. I am pumped, and trust me, you don’t want to fuck with me when I’m pumped.

To prove her point, she lets her teeth and gums have it by viciously attacking them with a stick. (Man, is she ever going to be sorry that they dumped Carl the dentist.)

Silas shows that even he is smarter than Lindsey, pointing out that they should have been kissing ass instead of poking teeth. He astounds us with his superior math skills:

Silas: We went into Tribal Council dead even, split in half, 50/50, four to four, and whoever won was going to end up - umm, carry the 2...hmmm…divided, no take away, uhhh….. - yeah, whoever won was going to end up with, well, more.

And with that, we introduce the latest product from SB Summary Productions, namely the Silas Asinine Comment Tracker (SAC Tracker). Slogan: “When being a dickhead isn’t enough - add a SAC.”

Day 10 - Morning at the Boran Commune

Tom and Lex mark the day off of the calendar, and apparently they have taken to speaking Boranese:

Lex: eh ten?

Tom: Eh teeen. Ets.in.

Lex: (smiles and nods plastically) Yauh.

(Translation: Tom: You and me to the end. Lex: In your dreams, old man.

At MamaKims diner, rations are running low and mush lumps are the Blue Plate Special. Clarence worries that Tom is wasting away to a mere slip of a man.

Clarence: It’s just like grits. Grits is good!

Tom: Goan dane da haytch, remines yuh uh sumpin rahms wit scritch.
(Translation- tastes like shit. Question - how would he know?)

(Does it bother anyone else that Tom said “Going down“ and “Hatch“ in the same sentence?)

But the most terrifying scene is to follow, as Tom begins to scale a 50 foot palm tree.

Clarence: Tom Tom Hell no Hell no Get down man Tom Tom Tom Tom. Your big country ass is climbing a palm tree in the middle of Africa, you realize that, don’t you?

Yes, Clarence shares our greatest fear, as we watch in abject horror, knowing that disaster is about to strike, watching that expanse of white backside with the shorts creeping down, but God must have had some time to kill before orchestrating yet another miracle comeback at Yankee Stadium, and we are mercifully spared the sight of the Virginian Grand Canyon. (Seriously, you could take a helicopter tour in there.)

So now they start flinging rocks at the nuts (insert joke here) and lo and behold, a VW drops out of the tree. Oh, sorry, that’s just Tom’s butt again.

Clarence: (narrating) We actually knocked two down!

(Um, what do you mean, “we“, I only saw Tom knock any down, and it was several, not two. You keep forgetting about those damn cameras, don’t you?)

Anyway, Clarence wields the knife like he works a night job at Benihanas, and Kelly admires the way he handles his nuts. He thanks her by sticking his tool in her face with a glob of white stuff on the end. She feigns surprise, then swallows it, although clearly she wants to spit it out.
(Oh stop with the “eewwwing”, that’s exactly what happened and you know it.)

Samburu Camp

It’s the crack of noon over at Samburu, and the GXA is deep asleep. Frank downshifts into a four-speed autocratic tyrant. Linda, as befitting a spiritual type, behaves like a vindictive kindergarten teacher and forces Lindsey to read the circular tree mail even though she still has the bed spins - and thanks a lot for subjecting all of us to that 10-miles-of-bad-road voice. Silas takes a knee and calls the team over for a pep talk, and you don’t have to ask Brandon twice when he sees a man down on his knees.

Silas: Dad gum it, you’re screwed but we’re a team. OFA go deep and I’ll do a quarterback sneak, because it’s all about me.

(Dad gum it??? Colby you’re not, Silas. Two SAC Tracker pings for you.)

Linda: Lindsey really pissed us off last night.

Lindsey: It’s over. We’re all together now.

And here comes that much anticipated “Thaaaaank yooouu” from Linda, pretty meaningless after all, but didn’t you just love the little cymbal crash that the sound editors added in?

Then Linda, spiritual being that she is, turns into the mascot for Team Psycho, demonstrates “Hugging as a Weapon” and stays true to her roots with a “Yo’ mama!” (Thanks, Linda, for giving lovingkindness a bad name.)

Lindsey (confessional): Boo hoo! Why did they vote for me? What’s wrong with me? And I’m going to be forty…some day! Boo hoo!

(I’ll pause a moment while we all dry our eyes and collect ourselves after this touching moment. What, you’re okay? Moving on, then…)

Reward Challenge

Jiffy Probe meets them at the reward venue, which we see from many dramatic camera angles. Run up the ramp, across the net, climb up for a basket, first team with all their baskets wins all the goodies!

JP: Olive oil!

ALL: Oooooh!!

JP: Sun-dried tomatoes!!

ALL: Ooooooohhhhhh!!!

JP: Herbal Essence Shampoo!!!

ALL: Oooh!! OOOHHH!!! OOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

The news here is that Brandon runs like a drunk flamingo, Ethan somehow does NOT fall down during the event, and MamaKim helps the camera crew out by doing her second run in Super SloMo. Samburu wins, and the camera isolates on MamaKim as Boran walks dejectedly away. More shit on a shingle for dinner tonight.

Boran returns to camp

MamaKim: I sucked.

Ethan: No you didn’t.

MamaKim: Yes I did, I sucked.

Lex: We all sucked.

Clarence(confessional): She sucked.

Tom: Lesus dinkem otter.

Kelly(confessional): We are the loser tribe, we suck.

Samburu returns to camp

The happy group comes in cheering, and Coach Silas takes charge.<ping>

Silas: I can’t read, so Lindsey, tell us what we’ve got!

They ooh and aah over spices and olive oil, then stick their fingers into the jam jars. (Eeeww, I think we all know where those unwashed fingers have been . Have some salmonella with your marmalade.)

Confessionals:
KimP: Water is life. Frank and Carl were our water slaves, while we kicked back and trash-talked them.

Brandon: Our water slaves screwed us over, can you believe how selfish they are?

Frank: My evil plan is working. Man, this is just too easy.

During these monologues, the SAC Tracker is pinging away, as Silas fantasizes that he is the leader of a rah-rah team water run, then excels at the pot-cracking event. (Silas, honey….try not to talk, okay?)

Kim P (confessional): We’re screwed. We are the crack pot, whiny, fighting, complaining, loser tribe, we suck.

Boran on a water run

Lex: What’s up ahead, Tom?

Tom: Awbeen - ooks ike uh purry goo triiiive uhum. Bessing ee uhdo isuh ledem go, delteh utgo. Eer starun uhgit aynamawl fendlee, aeethi ay awnt, eel doo.
(Translation: A profusion of monkeys. Pay them no mind.)

And now comes the big moment, when we learn that the only thing worse than being at the water hole with Silas is being at the water hole with a water buffalo. Our wise little group decides to make tracks back to camp.

Ethan: You think you’re safe, but you’re not!

Lex: It’s real! It’s scary! It’s real scary! Respect Mother Africa!

Samburu, Almost Day 11

Frank’s brief stint as “Mr. Fourth Gear” is over, as he sings a pre-dawn wake-up song to the GXA.

Frank: Gooooood moorrrrning Caaaamp Saambuuuuuuuruuuuuu!!!!!! Don’t bother with the make-up today, Brandon, we’re just going for water that we can do nothing with. Get your lazy asses up!

We get a look at the GXA in all their morning glory, but the scene doesn’t seem quite complete without a bunch of empty beer cans scattered around the mosquito nets. Silas looks like he has some of Brandon’s “hair gel” in his curls, ifyaknowwadImean, and Lindsey is a blonde Cousin Itt, but with a much more annoying voice.

Silas: <ping>

Lindsey: Shadup just shadup.

Ethan and MamaKim fetch tree mail

MamaKim: My ass is on the line.

Ethan: Please, haven’t we seen enough of your ass?

Tree mail tells us that they have to be the fastest to move a bunch of heavy stuff from one place to another, or else MamaKim is out.

MamaKim: It’s physical but it takes smarts, too, not like pushing a rock around.

(Yeah, they would never have a stupid challenge like pushing a rock around).

Immunity Challenge

Jiffy explain the camp moving challenge, and as soon as we hear that each tribe gets to have two non-physical “architects” and four heavy lifters, it’s obvious how it’s going to play out. Still, there couldn’t have been a better dramatization of the differences in how the two tribes work together. And from the giggle fit of Brandon running like a stick-figure up the hill, to the SAC Tracker pinging for such remarks as “I don’t know where I’m going, so lead me to victory!”, to the exquisite pleasure of watching Lindsey drop the house on her own cheek, there was a great deal of mean-spirited satisfaction to be had by all. And isn’t that why we watch Survivor in the first place?

Samburu - Day 12

The GXA are trying to enjoy their morning sleep-in, but they just aren‘t getting the usual pleasure out of their slacking, poor babies. Brandon wears the mosquito net like a veil, dreaming of his wedding day. Linda inflicts a birthday hug on Frank and is charmed by his spear-whittling - a much more noble pursuit than necklace-making. They grin conspiratorially over his future betrayal of the GXA.

Boran Commune

The love-fest continues at Boran, with MamaKim in tears of joy at having her head removed from the chopping block.

MamaKim: They like me! They really really like me!

The tribe decides to go on an impromptu outing, complete with an impromptu helicopter camera crew. In the process, they each have a cathartic moment of checking their passports and realizing that they are in fact in Africa, and that the reason they are here is to gaze out at miles and miles of dry barren plains and be menaced by lions and water buffalo, not to win a million dollars at all. Really, it’s a very touching moment up on Rock Hill, and the only thing missing is the Mountain Dew.

Tom: Eet lawk um seedna promoos lend.

Samburu discusses the vote

I can’t quite believe this, but Lindsey is still milking this “hurt feelings” thing about having been voted for. Good gawd, girl, get over it! But no, right in front of the OFA, she goes on about how “we know what’s going on now, so we’ll be a lot calmer, and IIIII won’t be voted out!” Which prompts Teresa to ask “So who’s goin’ tonight?”

Brandon: We’re not telling! So there, nyah nyah nyah.

Lindsey: (stony faced) We can’t tell you.

Silas: Hold up. Let‘s all be happy. <ping> Let’s just be real here cause we’re playing a game <ping>.Lindsey is the only one who has votes, and I don’t have any which is good for me.

Silas (confessional): If there was ever a Tribal Council and there was a tie and I had votes, then…umm, let’s see carry the two, divide by,ummm….well, more is bad.

Brandon: All of you should vote for Lindsey tonight, because I said so, nyah nyah!

Teresa: What’s in it for us?

Brandon: Nuthin’! Nyah nyah nyah.

Teresa: You bitch!

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Silas: This is the key to me, I mean us, winning! Please please help me, I mean us, out here, because we’ve done everything for you except any of the work and we tell you anything you want to know except who we are voting for. <ping ping ping >

Linda: Fuck you, no.

Frank(confessional): They won’t tell us shit, but they had a plan that they wanted us to follow… <collapses into a fit of giggles> …what dumbasses.

(And another miracle has occurred, because I am actually starting to like Frank.)

Silas: We’re like rats on a sinking ship! Save me, I mean, us!

Linda (confessional): Silas is whacked. There is something crazy in his eyes, unlike mine. I think his name is really Dicque. Mother Africa says he ain’t winnin’.

Brandon: We were about to open up and tell you but then you said, what’s in it for us, and that is just like so selfish, I can’t believe anyone would be so selfish except us, after all we’ve done for you except work and tell you who we are voting for, and that just leaves a bitter taste in my mouth - which is actually something I like a lot.

Silas (confessional): You might as well write me the check, cause I am winning just like Dicque. <ping> I’m shooting for the stars and I plan on getting there!

(Yeah, I think we can all agree that Silas should be shot into space, oh yeah.)

Tribal Council

Jiffy Probe is licking his chops as the Samburu file in.

JP: So, last time you were here you hated each other. Have you done any of that bonding stuff you talked about? <snicker>

Silas: Jeff, Lindsey was a raving idiot the first night, Jeff, but after that it was fine, Jeff, and now we are all a big happy family, Jeff. <ping>

JP: Frank. Maybe you can talk some sense.

Frank: What a crock of shit. We hate each other.

JP: I’ve never seen such a moronic tribe. You are screwed at the merge.

Silas: This game has never been fair, Jeff. Jeff, whoever said this game was fair?

(Jeezus, he wants to be Colby, then Dicque, now Jerri? Silas, honey…try not to talk.)

JP: You punks are a bunch of dumbasses. Boran is going to eat you for lunch.

Lindsey: Jeff, you have to understand, nothing is ever our fault! The OFA would be just as stupid as us!

GXA: Babble babble yeah, what she said! Exact same thing, yeah! Babble babble.

JP: Frank. Back to you, because I can’t even stand to answer these bozos. You must have a plan for squashing them.

Frank: Damn straight.

JP: Lindsey, have you made any mistakes so far?

Lindsey: Are you kidding? I’m a big talkin’, necklace makin’, Frank hatin’, vote getting’, gum stabbin’, late sleepin’, Linda huggin’, house droppin’, loogy spittin’, hair braidin’, gibberish spoutin’ mistake. And I’m sensitive.

(Yeah, you are, Lindsey - if “sensitive” is slang for clueless, self-absorbed bitch.)

JP: Brandon. Have you ever taken a walk by yourself and thought okay, wait a minute, we’re a bunch of dumbasses...

Brandon: I don’t do anything by myself! I’m always with them, always always always! These are my friends! Why would I need to be alone, anyway, do I look like Kel or Kimmee? These are my friends forever and ever, cross my heart and hope to die!

Then he pees on their legs, his head spins around and guacamole spews out of his mouth, all with a big fakey-ass grin at Jiffy Probe. (Man, I need a shower.)

Jiffy Probe is about to explode from trying not to burst into hysterical laughter at this bunch of idiots, so it’s on to the vote. There is absolutely no suspense tonight; there is some entertainment value as we watch Silas try to figure out how to get his ballot into the box (think about that if you’ve been wondering what he’s like in bed, ladies). Jiffy reads all the Silas votes first, which prompts the 1000th eye-roll of the episode from Brandon. Silas grins like Colby’s retarded little brother, obviously aware that he is on camera. As usual, JP brings it to a 3-3 tie, and we get the obligatory tense musical crescendo as we await the final vote, as if there is any doubt. Linda is sent on her way, but she has a cutting remark for the GXA before she goes:

Linda: Play nicely.

The GXA laugh derisively at the grammatical correctness of it all. Jiffy reminds them once again that they are screwed in more ways than they can even imagine. Enjoy the rest of your evening, Samburu.

Mother Africa has left the building!