Disclaimer: I'm a spoiler guy... I hope some of you find this decent on the short notice. I'm trying to go solely on memory here and short notice... so please, be nice 
In the spirit of Rocky and Bullwinkle:
Title: "Lets do the time warp again!" or "The drinking of Lindsey"
It's just a jump to the left... and then a step to the right.
If you have no clue what I'm talking about, stop reading, go to your local movie rental place, and rent "Rocky Horror Picture Show." It makes me wonder if Brandon was Tim Curry's understudy...
But I must digress.. Has anyone else besides me realized that Survivor 3... is some sort of twisted conglomaration of the 1st two debacles? Let me explain...
We have the homosexual, the gruff army bastard, the out of work basketball coach, the stepson seducer, the Tina lookalike, the quicker thrower-upper, The piece of meat that all the N'Sync fans of the world want, The old southerner, ... If I wanted to see the same people again, I wouldnt be wasting my time watching again.. Yet, I sit transfixed. Wondering... Why the hell am I wasting my time?
Maybe Friends isnt such a bad idea.
Anyway, lets let the festivites begin, shall we?
Morons, day 3:
Clarence cries... the dumb bastard is worried that his Bean Feast is going to get him kicked off. He was trying to be nice by eating some beans. I guess beaing gassy in Africa isnt a bad thing.. Maybe he'll keep the wild animals (or at least the cameramen away). Lex babbles incoherently about setting up the vote to scare the Gervase wannabe. If any of you can actually understand him. By the way... didn't the Punk Scene die in the 80's?
Clarence cries some more to Throwup gal. I need to borrow from Island Heat and say...
"That stupid #####."
Clarence and Upchuck argue a little more... and Clarence storms off and cries in a corner.
Subarus: Day 4.
Kimmy bitches about being cold, Silas sleeps in a Net. Lindsay complains about not having a good night sleep... was it the cramps keeping her awake? However, MB always has a tricky idea up his sleeve... as you'll see later, that lovely blood would not go to waste.
And then, the Subaru's decide instead, its too hot. Typical women... always changing their minds. They decide to build shade. Frank turns into BB for a little while, and the Pagonger's ##### about it. Tony Soprano and "Sir, Yes Sir" talk about how much they like working together...
By this time, I was thinking about saying Screw it and watching the end of the football game. Brandi talks about the the tribe being split... cut to the funniest part of the day, Tree Mail!
(does the wave)
Frank is totally illeterate... and has trouble getting the word sublime out. The team thinks it's rock climbing, that'll be fun...
Oh wait... This isnt a country club?
Reward Challenge: Stairway to Heaven (or food)
This would have been the perfect time to take a bathroom break. Everyone runs like maniacs, Ethan screams like a little girl, and nothing really gets accomplished. Mama Kim tumbles to the ground, and Lil Kim climbs to the top and gives all of us a hearty look at her armits. Wow, you women grow it fast . Frank screams Samburu, however, it sounds... odd... what else is new? Cut to the best part of the show... Commercials.
(takes a nap)
Kim takes responsibility, cries a million tears, and Bob says he's proud to be on her team. KODAK MOMENT! I was seriously expecting a group hug and cumbaya.
Tom's proving that you can be too fat for survivor onm Day 5. Jessie continually does her best Ramona impression. I seriously think Ramona and Jessie are reincarnations or whatever... Again... Stupid #####.
Then, out of total shock, Jessie does her Colleen impression too! The scabs on her mouth almost made my puke up my health shake.
Silas starts talking like Richard Hatch, about playing both sides. (not in a homosexual way, thats for sure)... Carl starts talking about the Y-M-C-A, too... Maybe there's more homosexual's than just Brandon....
Frank then inducts Silas into his web of deciet. "She's so concrete, she's at the bottom of the hoover dam".. This is further proof... the show aint scripted, folks. No one can possibly be hired as a writer and be that stupid.
We then find out that the Morons dont bathe. Kelly complains about working for her water... It seems she's never worked a day in her life. I see a corrolation here... hygenically challenged people make survivor. Maybe thats why they don't return my phone calls.
Lex, Tom and Ethan are making a bond. Punk Daddy, Socca Playa, and Gotey are all gonna hang out together... but Ethan's wary. I'd be wary too of a corprate anyalist (or marketer) that has more piercings than the lead singer of Green Day. Oh wait... this isn't the Mole. moving along...
Silas returns, and the "Bleeding Cow" felt uneasy... so she hooved her way over to where Frank and Silas were chatting, and she overhears the plan. The Bleeding Cow realizes that she's not in Kansas anymore, and is all upset. Wow... (zzzz) I guess Silas gets the "I'm Richard Hatch" of the group...
At this point, I'm trying my best not to turn on the godawful football game on the Television.
And then, we found out what all the blood went...
"Lets do the Time Warp again!" Dr. Frankenfurter was a transsexual mad scientist who had a taste for blood. Brandon proved himself worthy of the part.
You can all make the connection between Lindsey and this challenge.
Immunity Challenge: "Excuse me, Mr. Vampire, can I have some?"
"Whoooooohoo! Its a gross food challenge... I'll eat anything" taking a page from the other horrendous show, "Fear Factor" she suggests "Goat Testicles"... Bestiality anyone?
They drank blood of a cow. Big ##### deal. Ever bite your tounge? you taste blood. It's not that bad.
Let me cut to the chase here... They draw blood from the cow (not Lindsay), and mix it with Milk. Everyone drinks. Everyone cheers, what a family type moment. They need to break the tie, drink it up, Linda and Kelly drink a 7-11 big gulp of cow blood. Linda wins, and Burnit's foreshowding is hysterical. The Boron's are kinda sad.. Oh ##### well.
At this point in time, the SB board will fall into 3 categories:
1) Fans: Oh! I could never drink Cow Blood!
2) Spoilers: *bashes head against wall* What happened?
3) Haters: Haha, those stupid spoiler bastards were wrong!
They all mull over tribal council, Clarence cries for the 20th time this EP... I'm bout heady to jump off my building. Kelly and Kim both feel like losers... as long as they know Ethan promises to vot Clarence before the women, Tom says I'm going to vote off the weakest link (cut to Anne Robinson)
Tribal Council
Anal Probe asks his stupid questions, with his jerk-like smile. Jessie says she feels great (stupid #####), Lex talks about trust, Tom "never forgets"... Doesn't he remind you of an elephant? Anyone, the voting commenses, and the Ramona wannabe gets the axe. We all pause for a moment of silence and scream out..
"I just wasted an hour of my life!"
I hope it wasnt too bad!
Humbly yours,
LML
