Presenting the true Hollywood story...pulled from the secret CBS Nova Scotia satellite feed and now revealed to the general public for the very first time. This is the unedited show CBS did not want you to see.

Bryant Dumbel: On behalf of all of us at CBS News other than Julie Chen, let me welcome you to the Survivor: Africa Reunion Show. What you just witnessed was a recreation of an artist's concept of what Ethan winning would have been like, since if we showed you the actual Tribal Council in which Lex won, cities would be burning from coast to coast.

MB: Shut up, Bryant, you bloviating $hitheel. Les Moonves says stick to the script or he'll have you and Jiffy do a job swap.

Dumbel: Sorry, Les. Like I was saying, Ethan won! How does it feel, Ethan?

EZ: Even better than when I led the Cape Cod Crusading Cranberries to the Eastern Massachusetts Regional Professional Soccer championship, Bryant.

Dumbel: When you fly home first class, will T-Bird be your stewardess?

EZ: (blushes)

Dumbel: How much did MB have to pay you to keep from washing your hair between the actual end of the series and tonight?

EZ: How could you tell?

Dumbel: MamaKim, does it get tiring being such a relentlessly nice person?

Kelly: Hack! Cough! Bu11$hit! B1tch!

MamaKim: It's just something I have to do for myself, Bryant.

Dumbel: So what are T-Bird's childrens' names?

MamaKim: I wouldn't know, really. Much like you, I just read what's on the cards.

Dumbel: Lex, how much does a gram of cocaine cost in Santa Cruz these days?

Lex: Bryant, dood, I got an awesome tatt of you on the back of my left thigh, wanna see it?

Dumbel: How many of the security staff were required to restrain you at the Tribal Council where MamaKim voted you off?

Lex: Well, at first, I was thinking "what a bummer," but then I talked to my gut, and my duodenum was really angry, but my transverse colon said everything was gonna be all right, so I did a couple lines, then I was getting kind of excited, so I drank some coffee to calm down and I felt better.

Lex's son (in audience, to Mrs. Lex): Mommy, can I get the Proctor and Gamble moon and stars logo tattooed on my wee-wee?

Dumbel: Let's spend an obligatory moment focusing on the losers. Diane, how could you even consider showing up for this as badly as you got housed?

Diane: Is that a map in your hands?

Dumbel: Jessie, what did it taste like when you puked?

Jessie: I don't remember, but it sure got the taste of Jiffy out of my mouth.

Dumbel: Carl, who the he11 are you?

Carl: Go Frank!

Dumbel: Linda, how did Africa change you?

Linda: Mother Africa welcomed us with open arms, rebirthing us as children of the Earth, and making all better by swallowing up that whore Lindsay, whose momma wouldn't hug her even though all the men in Portland do.

Dumbel: Silas, can you think of any question I could ask you that would possibly justify having you taking up space on this stage?

Silas: Just write me the check, Bryant.

Dumbel: Okay, we have Lindsay's audition tape here...

(Blurry video...muffled sounds...Lindsay moaning, "Pour faster, pour faster! Hotter! Yeah, baby, you know how to scald my naughty athletic little bottom!")

Dumbel: Lindsay, where can I get more copies of that?

Lindsay: I'm a competitive athlete, Bryant, in the very difficult and competitive sport of hopscotch, and I'm here to tell you that competitive hopscotch just can't prepare you for the intense pain of having a tick on your butt.

Dumbel: What made you send in a porn video for your audition tape?

Lindsay: Well, I was doing all this hopscotch stuff, and then my artist friend Gertrude suggested the hardcore thing, and I thought, "What the hey, it worked for Scerri."

Dumbel: Clarence, do you think Tom really is a racist insensitive jerk, or was he just funning you?

Clarence: Man, I haven't seen white people that angry since OJ got acquitted.

Dumbel: I don't get it.

Clarence: Man, I haven't seen white people that angry since OJ got acquitted.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Dumbel: Okay, moving along...Brandon, why did you sign up for Survivor even though a gay guy won S1 and there's no chance another will win until S5 or S6?

Kelly: You fatuous twit! You skipped me!

Brandon (waving arms, doing Z-snaps): I wore that sarong to try to defeat stereotypes of flamboyant gay men. It didn't work because the sarong was too tight and my package was showing. But at least it got Frank thrown off cause he was staring.

Kelly: Hey! Ask me a question or I'll inflict a curse on you!

Dumbel: Kelly, how'd you come up with that question about The Graduate?

Kelly: Well, I was going to ask the number of the bus that Dustin Hoffman was riding at the end, but that was too easy, then I was going to ask what KIND of plastics the guy was talking to Benjamin about at the cocktail party where Anne Bancroft started hitting on him, but I was afraid MamaKim had seen the movie and Ethan hadn't, so I figured Ethan would guess 666 because that's what everyone says when I ask that question even when they don't pay any attention to me or get to know me even a little bit even though I'm pining for them and I showed him my...

Dumbel: O-kay....Frank, why do you hate Brandon?

Frank: I hate the sin but co-exist with the sinner, Bryant. Just like I co-existed with all those people who were there making noise on my camping trip.

Dumbel: Clarence, could you please show us your abs?

Clarence: (obliges)

Dumbel: Okay, Lilbit, could you please show us your breasts?

KimP: You'll have to pay $4.75 to see that in Playboy like everyone else, Bryant.

Dumbel: Tom, will you jump up and down and dance like a hick, please?

Tom: (does an audition for Hee-Haw: The Next Generation)

Dumbel: Tom, what's your deepest regret?

Tom: Thet I couldn vote fer CB after we done threw him off. Thet n, yew know, Eathams a Jew. Haeee's a Jew! But better one o they-um than some old bee-itch who wouldn layut me rub her down after her shower...

Dumbel: Okay, now we have a promo for Survivor 4...

Jiffy Probst (offstage, holding nose, talking into a paper cup): I'm here in the beautiful and remote Marquesa Islands...

Dumbel: Jiffy, how could you be there, you were here counting votes 52 minutes ago?

MB: Shut up, Bryant!

Jiffy: I'm here in the beautiful, remote, and dangerous Marquesa Islands, islands so beautiful we have to make all the contestants 24-year old women so they don't look ugly; islands so remote they don't exist; and islands so dangerous they're...well, I'm going to be there with a bunch a 24-year-old chicks, isn't that pretty dangerous? And we'll be bringing in 16 more inept, braindead morons to compete for a million bucks as soon as we show you three more recrap shows, two Back From Africa specials, and a very special edition of "Chains of Love" starring Brandon and Frank.

Dumbel: Thanks Jiffy. This concludes the Survivor Reunion Show. Stay tuned to most of these CBS stations for all-night coverage of the end of Survivor, The Late Show Starring David Letterman and Everyone From Survivor, and a special 8-hour edition of the Early Show starring Me, with special guests, everyone from Survivor. Except we still have to let Julie Chen talk a little, it's in her contract. And now we'll give Ethan the last word:

Kelly: Die you filthy pig! I didn't get my due! And I'm not even half as self-centered as Brandon!

Ethan: Thank you everyone. What do you think of my legs NOW Mom? Huh? Huh? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!