Previously, on Survivor…

If you don’t mind, I’m going to skip the recap of Jiffy Probe’s recap. Mainly because our own anotherkim has written a terrific summary-in-song of the whole shebang - check it out here.

Instead, I’d like to honor the SurvivorBlows.com summary writers and some favorite lines.

Episode 1: SherpaDave - Massa Tom apparently can’t spell, so just wrote a big “X,” which was interpreted to be a vote against Token. Whatever. Official total: Debb 6, Token 2. Fortunately, everyone but the Massa realized that a strong thief is more useful than a dead postal worker.

Episode 2: LoudmouthLee - At this point in time, the SB board will fall into 3 categories:
1) Fans: Oh! I could never drink Cow Blood!
2) Spoilers: *bashes head against wall* What happened?
3) Haters: Haha, those stupid spoiler bastards were wrong

Episode 3: dabo - Poor Linda couldn't handle it and became very freaky Rafiki over it, going on and on about the spirits not blessing a house in conflict and abandoning them to find some peace; generally making a pitiful spectacle of herself. Well, Dick, I really dig the groovy far out spiritual stuff but I'm picking up such bad vibes from the attitude she's copping to that I have to give it a 35.

Episode 4: dangerkitty - And with that, we introduce the latest product from SB Summary Productions, namely the Silas Asinine Comment Tracker (SAC Tracker). Slogan: “When being a dickhead isn’t enough - add a SAC.”

Episode 5: Superman - Ethan: Get the hell away from our flag!…Ethan wets himself everytime anyone gets near the flag….Jiffy: Ethan do you have the flag stuffed in your pants?

Episode 6: Outfrontgirl - Clarence: Yea, if they but lay one egg and lo, if morning reveals an egg to my sight, then lo, I shall be merciful and spare them. But take heed and be forewarned ye chickens, yea albeit I have conversed with each of you personally, I would as soon be the instrument of your consumption as pat your fluffy little heads. According to my covenant, ye have until the morrow to repent your non egg-laying ways...

Episode 7: SherpaDave - Frank: What is this brunch you speak of?
The others explain the novel concept of a pig-out between breakfast and lunch, and he runs off to make a report to his home planet.

Episode 8: Lisapooh - Teresa (confessional) I just voted for him. I didn’t mean anything by it. I wish I hadn’t now. I guesssss it wasss a ssstupid thing to do. Ssso I’m really ssssorry but I’m not gonna ssssay anything about being the ssssnake. That would be ssssilly
Next thing you know King Clueless is confiding in Teresa:
Lex I know it wasn’t you Teresa. I wish I could smoke the snake out. But I totally trust you. I know you are good. We’re tight. I can feel it in my gut.
Teresa Thanksssss!

Episode 9:Mumbo Jumbo - (who also gave us “Thong Granny”) Tom: Women, some things you want them to touch and they won't. Other things you don't want them to touch and they can't keep their hands off. This boil is growing into a horn as a physical manifestation of how horny I am. If the next immunity challenge is humping Jiffy Pop or oozing large quantities of pus from a boil, I'm a cinch to win.
Tom's boil: I deliberately chose the most mentally challenged Survivor to ally myself with. I've convinced Tom that he and Frank can have an antler dance once I've fully grown into a horn.

Episode 10: PepeLePew13 - We see a previously-hidden alliance start to be revealed:
The Gut: I'm never wrong! BigTom, Ether, Thong Granny and I are all still standing, and we've got an advantage now. Remember, I'm never wrong! We're still solid from day one, right?
Grungy Dreadlock: Yeah, mon, 100%.
The Boil: (gibberish) All right.

Episode 11: Naked- Tribal Council came,
And Brandon wore a nice dress.
Kelly’s looking quite fine,
I’ll have to confess.
I guess the mothership left-
Frank looked depressed.

Episode 12: Bebo - Tom knew this was not the challenge for him, as he sang:
A-B-C-D-E-F-G,
Glad this ain't fer 'munity.

And now, on with the show, and we will finally discover whether or not all those millions of Ethan Ethan Ethan wins subliminal spoilers are true.

PART 1 - FINAL FOUR
DAY 36, RETURNING FROM TC

The obligatory night sky scene, and the Boring Four are congratulating each other on making it this far. The warm fuzzies are short-lived, however, as we see in these confessionals:

Lex: These things I’ve been hearing about Tom wanting me voted out, it’s like all the pieces of the puzzle are coming together. And when it comes to putting puzzles together, I’m no Silas.

MamaKim: This whole Tom thing is very upsetting to Lex.

(Hey, MK - understate much?)

Lex: I’ll make him swear on his son’s gut. I’ve worked too hard to be led like a goat to slaughter.

DAY 37

MK: It’s day 37! We’ve been here exactly five weeks today!

(Well, math is not my strong suit, but I think I see why you are a former schoolteacher, MamaKim.)

MK: The men are off to work! Why do they always leave right when I’m ready to sunbathe in my thong?

Lex and Tom have it out...

Lex: Did you tell T-Bird not to trust me?

Tom: Hell no, no ifs no efs no ands about it!

Lex: Did you tell Thong Granny to vote for me?

Tom: Yes Garble garble back peddle. Hell, ah coulda voted you off anytime! Alls ah hadda dowuz spell your name, uh, spell it out, uh, sumpin sumpin ”X”!

Lex: All your votes are for ”X”!

Tom (confessional): It’s a worriation, tarnation, paranation, and a trial and tribulation. My alliance has not quivered, unlike other of my body parts.

Lex: Cross your heart and hope to die, stick a needle in your eye! Say it!

Tom: Ay won’t! Ah awready dun crisscross applesauce, Ah ain’t gonna dooit agin!

Lex: Boil in oil and stew in lye!

Tom: Ah awready dun got me a boil!

And on and on it goes, finally Tom gives Lex back his little green army men and Lex lets Tom play on the swing.

Deep Thoughts on Pile o’ Rocks

Lex: You can’t help but think about stuff. Profound stuff, like what I just said.

MK: It really says the remoteness of the whole thing. Like my chances of winning.

Tree Mail

Ethan Zorn: We have to know our names and stuff. Giant Gumball would suck at this.

Tom: Whut wuz that army guys name agin?

Lex: Uh, I dunno.

(Yeah Tom, like Lex is going to help you out. As if.)

Lex: Thong Granny could win this, she takes a genuine interest in other people, how weird. We’re screwed.

IC - Fallen Comrades

Ethan checks out LilKim and Big Tom checks out Teresa as the jury files in. Sadly, none of the men are wearing a skirt.

Jiffy Probe: Write your answer and only show it when I say “Reveal”. What rank did Frank reach in the Army? Everybody reveal!

LilKim takes off her blouse.

JP: No, no - remember your “no peek” clause! And Thong Granny, don’t you get any ideas over there about revealing.

No one gets this answer right, but credit to Lex for kissing Frank’s ass by writing “Colonel”.

JP: Which Survivor listed “manipulating men” on their application as one of their favorite hobbies?

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

The camera pans to a grinning Brandon, who is sure that Lex will guess him. But they all put “Kelly”, the right answer. (Hey, it’s a hobby - that doesn’t mean she does it well.)

I have some questions of my own about the rest of the scene:

-Did anyone else think that Ethan had passed out on his tablet? All I saw was the top of his curly head for, like, five minutes.

-Was Tom writing with a crayon held in his fist? And how the hell could Jiffy read anything he wrote?

-Didn’t Lex’s description of Brandon’s tattoo being on the “small of his back” sound alarmingly intimate?

Anyway, MamaKim wins, by knowing something about Kelly - and didn’t that just make Kelly’s day, I’ll bet. ( Nah, she wouldn’t hold a grudge this long, would she?)

Jiffy announces that Mama Kim is the first to be guaranteed to have participated in every single challenge that was held, without actually finishing any of them.

Time to vote…

MK: Tom. How dare you try to play the game! You should be more like me and just do as you’re told.

EZ: (passes out again - how many times is he going to do that?)

Tom: Lex. Woo hoo! Kick Ass garble garble. Been fun, one o’ us gotta run. (Or did he say "One of us has got the runs"? Well, I guess we'll find out later.)

JP reads the vote, and Big Tom is snuffed. In his Final Words, we meet the New Age Tom and get a look at the new “Redneck Peace Sign”(palm facing in so’s you can still hold a gun).

PART 2 - FINAL 3

DAY 38 - BEFORE DAWN

Frank rousts the lazy GXA from their peaceful slumber. No, wait, that’s Jiffy Probe, not a f**cking hair out of f**cking place, waking up the Even-More-Boring-Without-Tom Three.

Fittingly, Lex has been having problems with his gut.

EZ: Lex has diarrhea. He’s been up, like, a million times in the night.

Lex: My gut has betrayed me, I’ll have to cut it’s throat.

EZ: You can’t control this game, much like Lex and his bowels.

It’s a long walk to wherever they’re going, and mercifully they don’t show Lex stopping to "release the chocolate hostages".

Jiffy explains the “rite of passage” ceremony. Follow the lead of the Samburu tribe, even though you are Boron. Don’t ask, don't tell, don’t look back.

JP: You’ll walk by the sticks representing the emaciated frames of former Survivors. Try to remember something about them, and ask Kelly for forgiveness. There will be a ceremonial cleansing with goat fat and blood.

MK: Can I have elephant dung instead?

Now comes the melodramatic sequence where we relive moments from each former players time in the game.

Diane: My life is actually better than it was before because of this experience. Sad but true.

Jessie: Everyone was so hard out there, even without seeing me in a thong.

Carl: I appreciate my Mercedes and Porsche even more now.

Linda: …Mother Africa blah blah blah…

Silas: Write me the check! <ping>

Lindsey: I’m a great athlete but only indoors with air conditioning and with no ticks in my ass.

Clarence: I went from being the CEO of the tribe to being the janitor. Them was damn good beans, though.

Kelly: Since I couldn’t make friends with everybody, I made friends with nobody. It’s because I’m skinny, isn’t it?

Brandon: I did great at the challenges, even though I run like a drunken flamingo.

Frank: As an alien, the isolation was therapeutic.

LilKim: Wow, like, it was so rad!

Teresa: My inner bitch was gagged.

Tom: They’s all unique; Ah mean, none uh ‘em were like me! Can ya’ll believe that?

Now the Boring Three meet the REAL Samburu tribe.

Tribesman: Why does it smell like ass?

They kneel in from of the tribesmen. (Brandon is really wishing he had made it to Final Three.) The tribesmen hose them down. (Brandon is really wishing he had made it to Final Three.)

Now come Samburu hip-hop lessons, and it’s true what they say - white men can’t jump. Hopping up and down, oh, Lex’s gut must just be loving this!

Next is a surreal acid trip sequence, and between this and Lex’s diarrhea, I’m beginning to think that MamaKim slipped some unboiled water and peyote buttons into the mush. Maybe she had a strategy after all.

FINAL IC

Hand on the idol, feet on the stumps. Oh, this one is so obvious. Young Ethan is a professional athlete, going up against a dried-up granny and a skinny guy with the Hershey squirts. Ethan can stay up there a million times longer than either of them!

Two hours and 26 minutes later, Ethan passes out - again - and doesn’t even get any peanut butter or orange wedges for his trouble. What a loser.

EZ: I pulled a Rudy. This sucks.

Ethan earnestly implores them to stay up there, knowing that he must depend on one of them to take him to the Final Two so he’d better be nice.

At three hours and 21 minutes, Lex's gut commits the ultimate betrayal and he topples off the stumps.

MamaKim wins immunity!

MK: Backstabbing, bad. Poisoning food, good.

BACK AT CAMP, DAY 38

MamaKim dishes up the mush. What the hell, Granny? You should be kicking back in a lounge chair, letting these young studs kiss your thonged ass!

Lex starts working on getting Ethan’s jury vote:

Lex: …proud to be here with you blah blah blah…

EZ (confessional): I’m paranoid as usual. A million things could happen.

Lex and Ethan each work on MK, each saying essentially the same thing, “tough decision blah blah vote your heart yadda yadda”.

MK: (I don’t know what she said, I couldn’t stop staring at her reptilian neck).

MK (confessional): I love them both equally. They are like the two cheeks of my ass, and only my thong comes between them.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Hey, we’ve been ripped off! Tom’s not in a skirt! This is total bulshit, I want my money back! Well, at least Brandon is sporting a jaunty scarf.

JP: Kim, you humiliated the two boys, you ball buster, you!

EZ: I can hardly hold my head up. You’ll see.

Lex: My damn gut let me down! I’m going to chop it’s head off!

(Pause for collective shock as we realize that Lex’s gut is fallible.)

MK: I still haven’t made up my mind. I’m much more comfortable losing challenges, as you know. And with nobody to tell me how to vote, I have no idea what to do.

Ethan and Lex each say basically the same thing. Again. “Vote your heart blah de blah true to yourself yammer yammer.” Just when did this group get so damn nicey-nice?

MK votes.

JP: I’ll go tally “the” vote.

(OK, it sounded stupid, but I looked it up and this was not an incorrect usage of the word “tally”. And I say we call Jiffy Probe “Mr. Tally Man” in future ICs. "Hey, Mr. Tally Man, tally me some vo-otes!”)

And Lex is out!! Ethan suckles at Mama’s breast. Brandon weeps. Lex takes the Walk of Shame. And I actually felt a little sorry for him. Can it get any weirder?

Lex’s Final Words…

Lex: Thank God I didn’t have to cut anyone’s throat.

Did you notice how his eyes faded and became the torches? No wonder Brandon’s wearing a scarf around his neck, I hope it’s iron-clad.

MK: He hate me.

EZ: Hey, that would look great on a soccer jersey! Or how about this, “No Regrets”.

PART 3 - DAY 39

Ethan consults with Yoda. Ethan dips his wick. (In the paint! Jeesh!) Ethan sends a secret message to all his female fans by writing “E Z”. Millions of women cheer.

Ethan anticipates the vote:

EZ: It’s obvious - the guys will vote for me and the girls will vote for Kim. Brandon, I don’t know which he is so he’s the swing vote.

Juror Confessionals

LilKim: It’s, like, a big deal. Like, it’s an important decision. Who’d of thought it would come down to between an introvert and an oldster? We all thought it would be between The Boil and The Gut!

Lex: Remember, we are all unique, just like everyone else.

Brandon: I can’t wait to vote against the one I don’t like, unless I change my mind or am lying. But they are both boring compared to me so who really cares?

Tom: Ah decided en 2.9 seconds even though Ah have never heard ah decimals. Ah cain’t wait to go up thar and be even more stupid than ah haive bin so far.

Kelly: I am such a vindictive bitch. They’ll see, they’ll all see!!!! Bwahahahahahaha!!!

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

FINAL TRIBAL COUNCIL

Mr. Tally Man: Here we are, in Africa. State your case.

MK: You made me feel young, but I promise not to buy any more thongs with the money. Does that help?

EZ: Good, honest people can make it far in this game. Not that any of you aren’t good and honest. Oops.

Cut to one of those ubiquitous “It’s a man’s world/Women Defy” Reebok commercials, and all of a sudden I have a sickly premonition. What if they’ve been telling us all along? “It’s a man’s world” - yep, that’s been a theme of S3 - but in all of these commercials, the woman is really in charge and comes out on top! OMG, my hubby better put on his rubber suit, I’m afraid that MamaKim is about to win it all!! Viewers all over the world, prepare to throw up on your spouse!!!

Juror questions

Brandon: Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I’m gonna go eat worms. Given that, who do you think (me) most deserves to be up there with you (me)?

EZ: Lex. Because I like my throat.

MK: Lex. Please don’t chop my head off.

Brandon: And who least?

EZ: Well, duh, you.

MK: Tom, because he didn’t drag me along quite as well as Ethan and Lex did.

Lex: What is the first thing you will do for me, I mean the first unselfish act you will perform- and don’t lie because you can see by my buggy eyes that I am serious.

MK: I’m going to help out that charity that everyone else here already said they liked, you know, just go along with whatever the group says.

EZ: Hackey sacks for everyone!

Frank asks some boring serious question, blah blah. Now for the good stuff:

Kelly: Just imagine that I have morphed into Soozin, Greg, and Jerri up here, then beg my forgiveness since the only reason you are up there is because I am not. The only reason my head hasn’t exploded is because I got to see Lex take the Walk of Shame, at least now I can die a happy yet bitter old woman. What, I’m only 23? Anyway, pick a number between 1 and 1,000.

MK: Three, for the number of brain cells I have left after frying in the sun for 39 days.

EZ: One million!

Kelly: Thank you, I’m really proud of you both.

(Yes, Kelly, and I’m sure that your parents are really proud of you.)

LilKim: Like, I learned so much about myself out there from right-wing homophobe gun nuts like Frank and racist redneck pervs like Tom. Like, who did you learn the most and least about yourself from?

MK: I learned the most from you, like how I should have dumped my husband just days before I married him, then I wouldn’t have to listen to him call me Hippy Kippy.

LilKim: Oh My God, I am, like, sooo going to vote for you now, fer sure!!

MK: I learned the least from Tom; in fact I think I am now in learning deficit due to being around him.

EZ: I learned the most from Teresa; specifically, what “Mile High Club” means. I learned the least from Kelly, but that is all my own fault and I’m sure there are a million things I could learn from her.

Tom: If’n a hyena come t’ru camp en eat our mush, deyn turn arown en licked his hine end, did ee duit cuz ah aynimal instink, or did ee duit uh git the tast uh mush outta his mouth? Whut do you think?

(That’s it, that’s all I can do - I was just LMAO at the seriousness with which the three of them took this whole exchange. There's nothing I can add)

Teresa: What would you like to take back that you said about one of the jurors?

MK: (some pathetic back-peddling intended to appease Kelly that just made her sound desperate.)

EZ: I thought it was Frank that cast that mystery vote for Lex, and I feel terrible for accusing Frank too quickly, and I want to apologize to Frank because it would have been awful if Frank had been voted out then.

(Um, someone tell Ethan that he just erased the ass-kissing he did to Kelly with the ass-kissing he did to Frank. What a loser.)

Mr. Tally Man: Jury, it’s time to vote. Let me remind you once again that you are to vote FOR a winner, not for a LOSER. I do realize why this is hard to understand.

VOTING

Brandon: Kim. I was sure I would vote for Ethan, then I was sure I didn’t know, now I am sure I am voting for Kim, but I’m not sure which Kim. Ethan, that was so stupid of you to be honest in your answer to my question, don’t you know that lying is what gets you far in this game? What a loser.

LilKim: (stands there agonizing for awhile) I was going to vote for Ethan, but I realized that I don’t know how to spell his name. I know how to spell my name, so I’m voting for Kim instead. Plus, she totally thinks I’m, like, smart!

Tom: Eathen. (Amazingly, Tom says basically what most of us have been saying about MamaKim all along. Except for the parts about the old Indian woman and the shushing and the crazy spelling and Dorothy’s shoes. But other than that, we’re right there with him.)

Kelly: Dustin Hoffman, because he was in my favorite movie “The Graduate”, and also because, as “Rain Man”, he would have been able to come up with a better number than those two morons. I’d like to use the rest of my time here in the voting booth to reinforce the fact that I am a sore-losin’, movie-line-spoutin’, grudge-holdin’, lame-questionin’, non-piercin’,face-scrunchin’, big-talkin’, high-and-mighty bitch. This manipulating men thing is going well, don’t you think?

And off we go to commercial, waiting to find out how and where the votes will be read.

And we’re back! Jiffy drags it out a little longer, talking about what a tough Tribal Council it was tonight, and it’s been a tough 39 days here in Africa…

(Come on! Who do you think you’re fooling? Well, me. OK, call me an idiot, but I didn’t know. I like my disbelief suspended whenever possible, thank you very much.)

Mr. Tally Man: Now that your fate is sealed, what do you really want to say?

MK: I was always so scared that I was going to fail in the challenges, you know? Isn’t that crazy?

EZ: Kelly, you’re not pretty enough to be asking such a silly question. Get over yourself.

Mr. Tally Man: I’ll read the votes. Kim. Ethan. Kim. Ethan. Ethan. And the winner of Survivor Africa is EATHEN!!!! EATHEN ZORN!!!!

The studio audience goes wild, and millions of spouses take off their rubber suits and breathe a sigh of relief. There will be no puke in Blowsville, Mama Kippy has struck out.

Go read landruajm’s awesome transcript of the Reunion Show!!!

And I'm getting out of here before Giant Gumball sees me...