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SURVIVOR III EPISODE SUMMARIES
EPISODE 12: "A Big Load of Crap" - By 'Bebo'

A D V E R T I S E M E N T
A D V E R T I S E M E N T
We begin our story in the office of Les Moonves, CBS Hotshot, as he pours himself another double scotch and cries over Silas's picture...

Les: Where did we go wrong? S1 had a fat, naked, manipulative gay guy in the final 2, and the viewers came in droves. S2 had a young, studly guy in the final 2, and the viewers came in droves. I have visions of huge ad revenues dancing before my eyes when I saw the young, studly, manipulative guy in S3. But they voted him off before the merge??? Oh Silas, dear Silas, we could have gone so far...

Sorry, Les. Instead, we're left with another lame CBS sitcom for the 50-dead demographic, "In the Boma". We're following the so-called adventures of a cute soccer player and his tattooed paranoid friend as they hang out in Africa with their weird Uncle Tom, Buster the Boil, and their two boring aunts. One of the aunts looks like a human Shrinky Dink. Watching these five sit around and do nothing is like watching a Chicago Bulls game.

So let's leave Les an his thoughts of returning to an acting career and head to Survivor: Africa. Here are the high points of the episode:

...

OK, that's done. After reading last week's Naked Poetry, I was ready to abandon my idea of writing Survivor: The Musical. But then I decided what the hell? After all, I'm a grown woman who calls herself Bebo -- I obviously have no pride. So, every once in awhile, our characters will burst into song...

I need to warn y'all, I've been stuck inside here in NC because we got a lot of snow today, so it's going to affect my mood. This place shuts down when there's flurries, so you can tell we'd be really messed up with nearly a foot of the stuff on the ground:

Oh, the weather outside is frightful
But no work is so delightful
And since I've no place to go
Watch the show, watch the show, watch the show

And now, apologizes to the Beach Boys (and to Moonbaby -- I did start writing this before I saw your vote this week):

Well, Brandi and Frank and Kim P. have left the boma
Teresa's left with Tom and Lex and Kim J. and Ethan Zohn-a
But if you think she'll make the finals, well you're dreaming, cause she's gonna be gone now,
So have some fun, fun, fun,
Till the Boran vote our T-bird away.

Our show begins with a load of crap. {INSERT JOKE HERE. IT'S JUST TOO EASY.}

After enjoying (ahem) an extended close-up of the crap, and lots of description of the crap, we get a hygience lesson from Tom. {INSERT JOKE HERE. IT'S JUST TOO EASY.} While he complains about Kim's bathing habits, we see Kim off to herself, and she ruins fond memories of Sesame Street with her song:

Elephant dung, you're the one
You make bathtime lots of fun
Elephant dung, I'm awfully fond of poo
Bo bo di oh

Elephant dung, in the pool
I still wash, though, I'm a fool
Elephant dung, I'm awfully fond of poo

Oh! Every day when I make my way to the tubby
I find some elephant dung, and it's so smelly and chubby
Rub-a-dub-a-dubby

I'm too grossed out, y'all, time for bath time to be over.

Now Ethan says something...sorry I can't tell you what. You see, he didn't have his shirt on, so...well..um...I wasn't paying attention to what he was SAYING...

Then Ethan complains to Tom about his feet and his boots.

Smelly boots, smelly boots
Why don't you burn them
Smelly smelly smelly smelly smelly smelly smelly boots
It's all your fault

(OK, I confess, I have turned to Friends occasionally)
A D V E R T I S E M E N T
A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Now it's time for everybody's favorite boma game...Chase the Chicken! I would have enjoyed this more if they have played silly music, like maybe that stuff they play on The Price is Right during the Race Game. Tom wins and pretends to bite a live chicken. They have been out in the sun too long.

And now let's open up the CBS mailbag...

Letters, we get letters, we get stacks and stacks of letters...LETTERS!

Cut to tears and deep thoughts. My favorites was Ethan's: "They touched this paper..." Yeah, honey, just take your shirt off and keep your mouth shut. Thanks, sweetie.

Kim got a poem. She's thinks it's really good. You be the judge.

We miss you Kippy
Although you're hippy
And smell like Skippy
You make me drippy

Yup. That's love.

Reward challenge time! We got to watch them solve puzzles on giant blackboards. Was I the only one on the edge of my seat, yelling, "Look in the bottom corner! No, not THAT bottom corner!"? I'll bet yes.

Tom knew this was not the challenge for him, as he sang:

A-B-C-D-E-F-G,
Glad this ain't fer 'munity.

Lex won and got the cool new truck. The others acted like they didn't care, and talked about him behind his back. I feel like I'm watching "Saved By the Bell: The African Field Trip."

Now Mr. Bebo sneaks the remote away and turns to an informercial for Save the Children. No, wait, it's still Survivor, trying to have a social conscience. Sorry, Mark. Reality TV and social conscience go together like Ted McGinley and hit sitcom. You killed that concept when Rudy talked about wiping his ass with Dirk's Bible. I'm surprised Sally Struthers didn't show up. And was I the only one concerned when the box of medical supplies was flipped upside down? Probably.

Back at the Boma, we break into "Africa Side Story"...

Lex is gonna get it tonight
I'm sick of watching Lex win tonight

Which, as you all remember from Editing Survivor 101, means that Lex will NOT be voted out during this episode.

Any other females get worried listening to Ethan complain about Jeff taking Lex on all of the vacations? I know, it's just me.

When Lex gets back, he can tell that the mojo is funky.

Play that funky mojo white boy
Play that funky mojo right
Play that funky mojo white boy
Lay kinda low and then play the funky mojo through the night.

Once Lex gets back, Kim turns into the girl we all hated in junior high school. "So Ethan, were you pissed at Lex? Gotta go." Runs up to Lex. "Hi Lex, Ethan is SO pissed at you." Ack, that was lame enough when a 13 year old girl tried it...I was grossed out totally watching a shriveled up 50-something pulling the act.

Immunity challenge! Jeff joins in on our musical fun:

Supercalifragilisticexpialidaro,
First you put the ladder up,
And then the net you scale-o,
The puzzle's in the cart,
And then you try to shoot the arrow
Supercalifragilisticexpialidaro!

Lex wins, and the only people who are surprised he won't be voted out are the three people who thought CBS aired The Amazing Race while it was actually being run.

Teresa is now a caged animal. Whoa, talk about foreshadowing when Lex said it last episode. You would have thought that he knew she was in danger of being voted off...Anyhoo, she tries the only thing left - confess her sins and paint someone else as the baddie.

Teresa: Lex, I voted for you because someone told me to be watching out for you.

Lex: Who?

Teresa: I can't tell you...But if you guess, then I think it would be OK. But I can't tell you that it's not me, and it's not you, and it's not Kim since she's listening to us, and it's not Ethan...you'll just have to guess.

I was proud of Lex for guessing in less than 5 tries.

...OK, at this point, how many of you thought Tom would be taking the walk of shame? Go back and read the Editing Survivor 101 textbook, because you obviously have not been paying attention.

So here we go to Tribal Council, where we see the latest jury fashions. First we see Frank in a lovely knee-length number that's sure to be hot in the NRA circles this spring -- work it, girl. Then we see Kelly, whose Shameless shirt was the most descriptive Survivor clothing since Gervase and Colleen made targets and sitting ducks stylish during S1. Then we have Kim, in a lovely pink dress (guys, you finally get your eye candy, after we females had all of the topless Ethan shots). And then there's Brandon, looking, well, normal.

Jeff asks the jury to comment on Kelly's shirt, so he has an excuse for why he was staring at her breasts. Lex's answer is so incoherent that for awhile I thought it was Tom talking.

Jeff: So Tom, what's your strategy for after tonight?

Tom: Well, I might get voted out tonight, so I can't make a strategy until this vote is over.

For those folks in Remedial Survivor Editing -- HE'S NOT GETTING VOTED OUT TONIGHT!!!!!

The votes are cast, and tallied, and...well...it's back to the Beach Boys:

Well, you know all along that Boran was just going to pagong you,
And you tried telling the truth but you know that you were all through now
And so you head to Loser Lodge just like the other folks from Samburu
And there's no fun, fun, fun
Now that Boran voted T-bird away.

So another episode of Survivor ends, and the preview tries to convince us that our entire lives will be screwed up if we are kept away from our televisions for the 2-hour finale next week. Yawn.
A D V E R T I S E M E N T
A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A final tribute song to Teresa, sung by our entire cast:

Goodbye, T-bird it's time to go
There are no more Samburus on the show
Despite your vote cast against Lex
And the talk of airplane sex
There's still a noose around your neck

We had joy, we had fun
We had scheming in the sun
But Boran runs the show
So Teresa's got to go

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