Previously on "Survivor: Africa"…

Little Bit-ch was upset that Brandi abandoned their alliance to join forces with Lex-lax.
Little Bit-ch: I was set up by somebody who I thought was my friend.

Little Twit... not listening to Brandi may well have doomed your old tribe for good - not that you didn't deserve this fate.

And Lex-lax's motives were in question because of his alliance with Brandi.
Ether: He has no loyalty to me or to BigTom or to Thong Granny. He only has loyalty to you.

Ether, the only loyalty that Lex-lax has is to his tattoo artist back home and a million dollars.

BigTom has a massive boil. It's big! It talks! Judging from the orgasmic twitch with his tongue rolling around, BigTom was so horny that the boil actually felt good on his neck pressing against what there was of his brain.

Lex-lax won immunity and voted for Sgt. Frank at TC but everyone else, including Little Bit-ch, joined forces and voted Brandi out of the tribe.

Deck the boma with boughs of holly
See the blazing idiot before us
Fast away old Tom passes gas

Tis the season to be jolly
Strike the harp and join the chorus
Hail Burnett, ye lads and lasses

Don we now our gay apparel
Follow me in merry measure
As we boot Brandi all together

Troll the ancient Thong Granny's carol
While Lex-lax tells of African treasure
Heedless of the wind and Ether

Ok I suck when it comes to music/poetry, but you get the idea… Damn, we writers are gonna miss Flaming Brandi and his patented eye-roll and limp wrist.

Now onto the show…

Mojo Jojo, Night 27

Following TC, the 7 remaining survivors get back to their boma and we see a lion jumping away and a gazelle scurrying off - the humans are back! The party is busted…

We see a previously-hidden alliance start to be revealed:

The Gut: I'm never wrong! BigTom, Ether, Thong Granny and I are all still standing, and we've got an advantage now. Remember, I'm never wrong! We're still solid from day one, right?

Grungy Dreadlock: Yeah, mon, 100%.

The Boil: (gibberish) All right.

The Gut: All right. (And you both are idiots if you seriously believe that) Blorp.

At that moment, the Gut screams and the Alien pops out.
The Alien (in Frank's voice): Hey guys, what's up?

The Gut: We must terminate the alien!

Grungy Dreadlock (confessional): Lex-lax's vote pushed the limits of our alliance. It realigned how tight our bonds were. He gave his word to Brandi, but he also gave his word to us. Lex-lax went out on his own and covered his own ass. Why was his word just as strong with Brandi as it was with us?

Easy, Brandi is easy while you guys aren't. Lex-lax had to cover his own ass or Brandi would have claimed it for himself. You prefer he chased your ass instead?

Thong Granny: As much as BigTom, Lex-lax and Ether think that they want to go into the finals, the three of them, I don't really think that they do. I think that they're all skeptical of each other, and they know when it gets down to crunch time, that one of them's going to have to be voted off.

And that would leave you, umm where, Granny? Dream on. Shut up and just be thankful you're still in the game.

We see Little Bit-ch and Ether on night sentry duty.

Ether: What ... what was that? Quick, where's the flag?

Ether (confessional): Me and Little Bit-ch were on the 2:00 to 4:00 shift and out of nowhere we heard heavy grunting moving closer and closer and closer. Oh, it's these damn carolers again…

While Ether watched the flock by night,
All asleep on the ground,
The angel of the Lord came down,
And glory shone around.

"Fear not!" said he, for mighty dread
Had seized their troubled minds.
"Glad tidings of great joy I bring
To you and all mankind.

"To you, in Burnett's town, this night
Is born of Burnett's line
A Savior, who is Tom the Lord,
And this shall be the sign.

"The heavenly Goat-boy you there shall find
To human view a spear displayed,
All meanly wrapped by his meaty hands,
And in a manner got Little Bit-ch laid;"

Thus spake the seraph and forthwith
Appeared a shining thong
Of MamaKim's praising God on high,
Who thus addressed their song:

"All glory be to God on high,
And to the Earth be peace;
Good will henceforth from heaven to men
Begin and never cease!

Shoo! Go away, carolers… and yeah yeah yeah I know Ether is Jewish. So sue me.

Ether: I think Tom is probably stalking, but I don't know why he would make a noise if.... I thought he made that noise when he was calling other goats to come "feed". You don't think he was jealous of my spending time alone with his meal-ticket in the game?

Little Bit-ch: I think you're right. Oh, my god. <click> Oh, my god. <click>

The lion evidently got bored of spooking these people and decided these measly, emaciated Survivors weren't worth the bother and it left in search of something with more substance - like, let's say, a gnat. Shoot… a mauling might just have been the spark this show needed.

Ether: I think it went. (channeling Clarence) Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim. I think I heard it say that.

Mojo Jojo, Day 28

We see BigTom sleeping in a tree, Sgt. Frank stretching, Lex-lax yawning - sorry, I didn't have my glasses on… these are just a cheetah, a lion and a baboon in action.

Last season, everyone in Survivor bitched about the lack of food and their starvation. This year, the focus of whining has shifted to the condition of their scrawny bodies. Lord help us… do we need to hear this at a time of the year when everyone is gorging themselves at the dinner table eating turkey, gravy, chocolate, hors d'ouevres and guzzling endless supplies of drinks at Christmas parties? Last week it was Tom and his boil, now this scintillating exchange…

Ether: Hey, what's up, buster?

BigTom: You just wear yourself out walking over here?

Ether: I'm dead.

Lex-lax (confessional): Having been out here now for a month, it's just starting to catch up with us. Everybody's started to feel more lethargic, weaker, and it's interesting because it all happens at the same time. And we felt comfortable admitting it became obvious that everyone was feeling the same way.

Thong Granny: Whoa. It feels like you're walking under water so your steps are slow, your legs are a little, like, shaky. You don't pick your feet up as high off the ground because you just don't want to, so you kind of stumble on even just little roots this big.

Time to lay off the sauce, Granny. You've got a secret drinking problem - the first step is admittance of the problem.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Little Bit-ch: Her legs are really, really swollen from her knees down, I mean really swollen. She can hardly lace up her sneakers.

We now interrupt the show to bring you a message from one of our sponsors, Hasbro's Play-Doh:

A cartoonish figure walks over to Thong Granny and pushes onto the skin on her leg…

BigTom: You just push it with your finger and it stays. It's like silly putty or something. Great for Christmas! Tell your parents to rush out and buy you a Thong Granny® Limited Edition Silly Putty figurine!

Thong Granny: It's actually almost climbing up. Wait till it gets to my breasts!

Ok that's it, good night, everyone. How the hell are we supposed to eat our Christmas turkey with cranberry sauce after this searing image?

Lex-lax: Our bodies start to show signs of trouble. We're starting to go get sick. In the last couple or three days we've all noticed that we're getting thinner. It's starting to really show.

Ether: Man, you've lost a ton of weight.

BigTom: Yeah, I'd say I've lost 40 pounds.

I think you forgot to count the 10 pounds of boil on your neck, BigTom… make it a 30-pound loss.

Now, just listen to all this whining about their food…

"… do we want the mush or do we want the gruel this morning?"

"… I figure we're having, I don't know, maybe a couple of hundred calories, if that. And we're eating just enough to fool our bodies into thinking that we're getting nutrition when we really aren't."

"We have maize. It's corn meal basically is what it is, so we eat that either in just like pushed... mushed up balls we boil in water. And then we snack on kernels of corn. They don't really pop, but we brown them and burn them."

"These are just too hard for me. They hurt my teeth."

"I'm eating it and I don't really want to. It's just kind of a ... just a watery gruel with some corn kernels about it ... in it."

"It's just so hard to get down because it's ... getting because it's like eating chalk twice a day and then they put corn in it and then you've got chalk with some corn."

Oh shut up, y'all. Maybe you should just walk up north to Ethopia and trade places with these guys over there - they're not even trying to win any money as a reward for their starving.

Treemail!

Food is coming, The CBS goose is getting fat;
Please to put a shilling in the old Probester's hat,
Please to put a shilling in the old Probester's hat.

Reward Challenge

JiffyProbe: All right, guys, for today's reward challenge, we thought we'd give you a break on the challenge. And just make it pure reward.
All: Yea!

Again MB has to step in to save these losers from themselves and give them something to eat so we can avoid seeing a starvation death on TV.

At one moment during the auction, the camera focused on Sgt. Frank's badly-scratched legs. Aha, mystery solved! Now we know what Sgt. Frank has been using to bang his deer antlers on since the merge as Ether's paranoia has been jealously guarding the flag.

Nothing too interesting to report from the auction.

~ Lex-lax got a hot cup of coffee, sugar and a chocolate croissant for 3,000 shillings.

~ Thong Granny paid 6,000 for cheese and crackers.

~ Jiffy started bidding at 4,000 for a nice cold beer and BigTom bid 1,000 and won - what kind of math are we dealing with here?? "It started at 4,000" "I don't care. I'll bid 1,000." Smart fella.

~ Little Bit-ch got taken for a ride by BigTom and overpaid for a sundae at 12,500. First time in 10 episodes of Survivor that we see Little Bit-ch with a deadly-serious expression as she started the bidding.

~ Ethan gets a sugar rush with a mug of hot, pure chocolate syrup for 5,000.

~ Thong Granny bids 11,000 for a mystery item that turns out to be fried chicken and potatoes. T-birdbrain wails. Granny turns around and sells half of the potatoes and chicken to Lex for 10,500… smart Granny, but also shows you how stupid these people can get.

~ T-birdbrain perks up at the sight of a hoagie and outbids everyone for it at 16,500 to share with Sgt. Frank. She actually speaks for the first time in ages: "It's good enough to make you want to slap your mama." Okaaay.

~ Another mystery item up for bids and BigTom & Ether pool together to win at 9,000. Evidently there's some pot inside the pancakes because Tom absolutely goes berserk.

We see that he is not only a homophobe, racist and a pervert, but likes to poke fun at Semites by chortling at how Ether isn't going to eat the ham he just paid for.

America sits on the edge of their seats to see if Ether will snatch up the ham and eat it just to say "in your face, Tommy." Nope, he doesn't. Darn.

Sgt. Frank was the only one who didn't make a bid on anything in the auction. Evidently he was holding out for something that he truly wanted - a big old fruitcake.

Notice, too, that there were no product placements in this food auction? A clear signal to these losers that the show is so crappy and their 15 minutes of fame is going to get shortened to five minutes.

Back in camp, we see BigAnti-SemiteTom and Ether ragging on each other about sharing the ham with a 'Jew-boy' and about BigTom's boil.

BigTom proceeds to kick everyone's ass at checkers. He gets yet another label - checker shark.

Lex-lax: You know, his whole "I'm a hayseed from Virginia and I'm not that smart?" I knew quickly that he was a lot brighter than he let on. And actually, I mean that endeared me to him and intrigued me all the more.

Can you guys say "we're getting played?" Further proof y'all evidently never watched the first two Survivors as Soozin' and Rodger played the they-think-we-are-dumb-as-hell-but-going-far redneck card.

Next, we see a sand tornado. Giraffes, gazelles and a herd of zebras run in terror of what is about to unfold as the tribe decides to go on a water run and get a bathing while they're at it.

Hide the kids. The CBS censors are on holidays. MB is desperate for ratings to jazz up the show and pull viewers away from the 120th airing of "Miracle on 34th Street" and yet another "A Charlie Brown Christmas" special.

As if he hasn't already done enough, BigTom proceeds to assault what's left of our senses that hasn't been numbed beyond belief after 9-plus weeks to date.

BigTom: Hey, Mama Cat, bring it on up here. All right, girls, back off.

Little Bit-ch (confessional): You can douse me. When you spend 30 days with people in close proximity, you're not ashamed or bashful of anything anymore. We've lived together closer than most families live together and bathing or whatever it just seems like it's something that you have to do it, and you really don't care who sees you anymore.

Obviously not. 30 million Americans just saw you whore yourself to BigTom in a desperate attempt to stay longer in the game. Playboy's going to be giving you a call pretty soon.

Tom's wife is also going to be waiting for him with a rolling pin to club him over the head with.

Lex-lax: BigTom gets away with murder, like today you know, he was having a good time bathing the ladies, having them kind of pull their bathing suits back. (to Little Bit-ch) BigTom's not washing you. At all. (gee, no kidding).

Thong Granny: I mean BigTom's harmless. It's not, like, he's going to, like, jump our bones or anything there. He's really harmless and if he gets a peek, you know, more power to him.

Speak for yourself, Granny. He's not gonna touch you because you're a sad, old dinosaur and it also shows how long since you've last had a date as you should know all men are pigs.

It's funny, too, that so much attention has been placed on the terrible water conditions for weeks - yet we see here some pristine water being used to bathe these stinky people. How much did MB pay to have a work crew come in to groove a river and pour water in there? Very convenient for a much-needed photo op to sell some sizzle to the viewers and advertisers.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Immunity Challenge

JiffyProbe: Hey, guys, welcome to this abandoned boma; you guys should have been abandoned here in the first place. Today's challenge is going to test how well you remember the African story I'm about to tell. Okay. Story time.

He then proceeds into a spiel that has men all over America grimacing and holding themselves, pitying the poor fools who get born into these Samburu families. Also a good thing that Carl is no longer in the game or he'd go into a lecture about why taking out the bottom two middle teeth would not work as a rite of passage. T-birdbrain's ears perks up at the mention of the warrior nearing death being taken from the tribe and his body left for the hyenas to eat. Mmm, a way to get rid of Sgt. Frank.

The competition starts. Lex-lax runs like a madman. Thong Granny takes her time. Tom says "oh hell, that ain't right!" a few times. Sgt. Frank enunciates slowly all the questions he reads. Nothing new, really.

Lex-lax attempts to emulate Keith by losing a ribbon, but darn, he just can't lose this thing as Ether and everyone else had simply kneeled down and curtsied to King Lex.

Mojo Jojo, Day 30

Sgt. Frank: To be here is just awesome. This morning's sunrise is just so beautiful. You know, I don't think the majority of people in our everyday busy lives take a moment to just watch something as beautiful as that and to suddenly realize just how small we are in the world and how time can just pass by in a moment and we would be gone, you know. It puts your life back in perspective.

A foreshadowing that even Stevie Wonder could have seen coming a mile away that it's going to be the last day in the tribe for Sgt. Frank.

Sgt. Frank: My love for being here grows every day. Just loving the outdoors, you know, and the animals and wildlife and people in a way, as well, you know, I love to mingle with people.

No, really. Stop! You love to mingle with people?

The gang then prepare breakfast. Gratitious butt-kissing to follow.

Ether: Are we having soup?
Thong Granny: Uh-huh.
Ether: I love your soup.
Thong Granny: You love my soup?
Ether: I love the soup.
Thong Granny: Good. Good, good, good.
Ether: As always, very tasty. I mean really.

They all sit down to enjoy their breakfast. At this point, Sgt. Frank twitches his head and a message is coming in from the home planet from his commander leader, Grog. A little tweaking of the wires inside of the head takes place.

Rush Limbaugh: My argument always with the gun, you know, activists is that they think that guns kill people! There's, like... there's everything else you could kill someone with, you know, a piece of fishing line I can kill somebody with! Hit them over the head with a brick! Automobiles kill people every day, drug overdose, malpractice suits, just everything!

T-birdbrain: He seems really rambunctious this morning and he's talking a lot. And he's a very opinionated person, which is fine, but, like, when you have immunity at stake, you kind of just need to keep your mouth shut.

Rush: I can't help it, T. These little liberal special interest groups that the media give attention to instead of the everyday Americans that founded this country!

T-birdbrain: What can I say about Sgt. Frank? Once again, Sgt. Frank is Sgt. Frank.

Rush: They might invite me to their banquet, their convention down there!

Perfect. Sign your own exit papers as the army's about to desert you, Sgt. Frank. Going on a tirade like this that has nothing at all to do with the steaming slop everyone's eating for breakfast nor anything else to do with Africa is only asking for trouble.

T-birdbrain: Ether's going to take the whole thing. He's great. What can you say negative about Ether? Nothing. It's a shot in the dark, but if I can persuade Kim to vote off Ether, that would break up that alliance.

Now we know this means that it's not going to happen. Nice try, T.

Thong Granny: T-birdbrain approached me with the idea that BigTommy, Lex-lax and Ether really don't have any kind of allegiance toward me, but I just can't turn on Ether at this point, so I'm going to have to tell T-birdbrain that, and I'm not sure what the reaction to that is going to be. I think I might still be shooting myself in the foot, even if I could bring myself to do it.

More proof that you're the most useless player in the game who is incapable of thinking for herself, Granny. For once it'd be nice to see a Survivor have the guts to make a move for him/herself without actually getting booted off for making the effort.

Tribal Council

JiffyProbe: T-birdbrain, what goes through your head now as you show up tonight and here's Brandi and Kelly, people you had a hand in voting out, you're going to need them later.

T-birdbrain: Hey, it's nice to see that Brandi has been deloused and his skanky tanktop has been burned! Oh, and about having a hand in voting them out? Why, what do you mean? (Tina, am I doing this right? Did the drawl come out okay?)

JiffyProbe: Lex-lax, how close is this game to turning ugly?

Lex-lax: I think the game has already gone through some ugly times.

Yes, do explain, Lex-lax. Tell us, do tell how you think the game got ugly? Kelly is listening very intently and she's taking notes for the jury.

Time to vote.

T-birdbrain: This is not a vote of betrayal. This is a vote of strategy. Sgt. Frank, thank you so much for the friendship.

She goes to sit down, putting her hand on Sgt. Frank's shoulder (damn he's lost a lot of weight), bowing her head (he's really bony now), crying softly (jeez where can I stick my knife in his back?), and sitting directly behind him in a show of support (aha! There's a soft spot!). She really does feel terrible for Sgt. Frank (whoops, there goes the knife) but hopes he will truly understand.

JiffyProbe: I'll go tally the votes. Frank. Thong Granny. Frank. Frank. Frank. That's enough. The spaceship will be by to pick you up soon, Sgt. Frank.

Sgt. Frank's Parting Comments:

To my lovely wife Pauline, my daughters, thank you for your unselfish sacrifices you made so I could go on this adventure. I give you my word of honor that down the road, I will make all your dreams come true. As your husband, as your father and as your friend, I love you and I miss you. Thank you.
(Ok Grog… beam me up)

We all wish you a merry Christmas and happy holidays!

"It's just funny seeing people that are matched up, everyone has a partner now and everyone's happy. And boy, my camping trip just went to hell."
Frank Garrison, Dec. 13/01