POTUS INTERRUPT(R)US(T)

Well, after months of waiting and watching the SurvivorBlows tribe tear itself limb from limb, Survivor is finally back!

Unfortunately, producer Mark Burnit must have decided that the previous incarnations of Survivor weren’t well-written enough, so he went out and hired the writing staff of Saturday Night Live circa 1985-1986. You know, the Robert Downey, Jr./Anthony Michael Hall era. I can only surmise this because the first 45 minutes of the special one-hour-45-minute premiere are taken up by one of the lamest sketches I’ve ever seen. Some guy who sorta looks like Alfred E. Newman talking about a military effort and feeding Afghan children. I thought Afghan children were called puppies? Just like 85-86 SNL, this sketch was interminable and completely unfunny. Or at least, I didn’t get it. Can someone explain it to me? To make matters worse, the actor in the sketch forgot to say, “Live from Kenya! It’s Thursday night!”

Ah, well. At least the new opening montage showing the featured players looks good. But the monologue by this week’s host, Jiffy Probe, was totally lame. “16 Americans, blah blah blah.” Thanks, Jiffy. Don’t call us, we’ll call you. Maybe we should get to the players themselves, since they’re all brand-spanking new.

First, we have the Somebufu tribe, marked by the color red (it was actually white until Lindzi came along):

Brandi: Drag queen extraordinaire. In the early going, he already looks to be the nominal leader of the Valli Girls, by virtue of having brought Chapstik.

Don Carlo: The onsite dentist for the strippers at the Bada Bing. So far, very quiet, probably looking to extract somebody’s teeth. Gravely disappointed that the watering hole is too shallow to accommodate cement shoes.

Franz: This soldier recently received an honorary discharge from a branch of the service later named. He served under Colonel McVeigh.

Kimi, aka Little Bit(ch): Another of the Valli Girls. Already clearly the slut du jour, although we’ve not yet seen the tattoo.

Linda: She without a nickname. She’s serious. She’s been to Africa twice, dammit, so she’s an authority.

Lindzi: The loudest of the Valli Girls. Also the bloodiest. And the stupidest.

Meat: Or Silas, if you prefer. One great big side of beef. Won’t be voted off until he’s been roasted on a spit and eaten.

UnTer Esa Radar: Has she even spoken yet?

Next, we have the Moron tribe, marked by the color yellow (which was also white, until Messy came along):

Token: He’s big, he’s dumb, he’ll be gone as soon as his usefulness wears out.

Debb: Do I really need to spell this out? Next!

Ether: So named because he’s dreeeeamy. Honestly, he makes my feminine side all tingly. And it’s clear why he plays goalie: he can’t stand up long enough to play any other position. But he looks good lying down, doesn’t he?

Messy: The puking cop who’ll have a spread in Playboy any time now.

Rich Girl: Yeah, she’s pretty. Yeah, she’s got an enormous IQ. Yeah, she’s rich. What’s not to hate?

Mama Kim: With just a little bit of saline, she could be Tina.

Dyslexia: Owes a huge debt of gratitude to the editors of Survivor for airbrushing out the “THIS SPACE FOR RENT” tattoo on his forehead.

Massa Tom: Plantation owner. Was denied a whip as his luxury item. As soon as he can find some rope and a tree, though, he’s gonna have himself a lynching.

Whew! What a pain in the ass the first episode is! Some of those monikers truly suck and should be jettisoned at the earliest opportunity. So sue me. Let’s get on with the show, shall we?

Day 1

All right, I’m assuming that Burnit actually had this in mind when he warned us to all watch the first three minutes for something really exciting. Somehow, I missed it. Unless he meant the smiling soldier with the gun who was maybe supposed to be scary. Oooohhhh. Impressive. So scary that all the contestants cheered their lungs out as he waved good-bye. Let’s hope that doesn’t set the standard for excitement for the rest of the series. I ain’t holding my breath, though, and neither should you.

Actually, what WAS sort of exciting was the possibility that the jouncing of the bus might actually throw someone out the open-aired sides or even potentially through the ceiling. Now THAT would have been good teevee! Especially if a man-eating giraffe had been nearby!

So anyway… the folks all split into two tribes and divvy out their new possessions to haul to their camps, which seem to be about seventy miles away, if the number of times everything got dropped was any indication. Debb takes the map for the Morons, and nobody thinks to stop her. Newsflash! Postal carriers don’t go in a straight line! They stop and start constantly! Mama Kim decides that it would be best to lighten the load and dump the water. Everyone else agrees happily, knowing that they’re going to be spending the night next to the source of Perrier. Good plan.

Meanwhile, the Somebufus take off on their own trek, and I couldn’t even tell you who had the map, because it just wasn’t even an issue. One of the loads is shared by Meat and Brandi, which is a terrific idea. Brandi makes the astute observation that he’s considerably smaller than Meat, but shares the load with him anyway. This gives him a great view of Meat’s ass on the long, sweaty walk, and it’s clear his mind is on a different load altogether ifyaknowwhatimean.

The Morons make their way to their camp, led by Debb, who is doing her best impression of Alan Arkin in “The In-Laws.” “Serpentine! Serpentine!” And, in what will become a recurring motif (thank you, Northwestern film department), everyone falls down a lot. They finally make it to camp, where Messy pukes and officially sets the color scheme for the tribe. Token and Dyslexia do a handshake out of Nickelodeon’s “Rocket Power,” and their mental ages are revealed.

The Somebufus also make their way to camp and we’re introduced to Franz and the Valli Girls.

Kimi: Brandi, what’s your luxury item?
Brandi: Chapthtik.
Lindzi: Like, omigod! You totally rock! Do you like Wal-Mart? I LOVE Wal-Mart?
Franz: What is this, a mall?
Lindzi: Like, omigod! Is there a mall here? Cuz I’m bleeding like a stuck pig and cramping like rillly bad and I forgot tampons! (And thus the Bufus’ color is set.)
Franz: La la la la la! I can’t HEAR you!

Then someone, we think it’s Don Carlo, but we’re not sure, says, “Hey, Franz, what branch of the military were you in?”

Franz: The Stormtrooper branch. It’s called Nazi.

To confirm this statement, we’re shown an interview with Brandi.

Brandi: Like omigod, Franz is a Nazi.

So they’re all finally at their camps. And we see that Day 1 is the longest freaking day in the history of the show, as they still have to find water and make fires. Do I really have to summarize all of that? Jeez. Okay, some highlights:

While Ether and Massa Tom dig the water hole deeper in one of the few intelligent moves of Day 1, we learn that Massa Tom should probably have been a plumber. And I don’t mean because he’s good with water.

We also learn that maybe dumping out the water wasn’t such a hot idea after all. Oops. And the Morons have no idea how to make a fire. Oops. All of this means they’re gonna be really dehydrated (except for Token, who has the gall to take the moisture from TWO cherries! *gasp*) for Day 2’s challenge. Ruh roh.

The Bufus fare considerably better, thanks to Lindzi’s visit from Aunt Flo. They actually open the medical kit and find a… telescope?! Say what? Supposedly, it’s to keep a lookout for animals. Uh huh. Anyway, Little Bit(ch) remembers her days as a tomboy, burning bugs with a magnifying glass and takes the lens on over to Meat. Meat gets so excited, he starts tearing the legs off the brush, until he realizes it isn’t a Daddy Long-Legs. He gets the brush smoking, and Little Bit(ch) makes a point of telling him not to Skupin that joint, dude. Franz hates them all and wants to go back to his mother’s womb, where life was nice and soft.

Day 2

FINALLY. Basically, there were two things to happen on Day 2: The I’ve-fallen-and-I-can’t-get-up Derby and the Lynch Mob. Let’s take 'em in order.

RC/IC: We haven’t seen much of Jiffy since the beginning of the show. Actually, we’ve seen more of the underpaid actors in lion costumes than we’ve seen of him. But here he is, stating the obvious once again. Bufus celebrate that they already have fire, Morons plot how to play Red Rover and join the Bufus so they can have fire.

The Morons race out to an early and large lead, which they hold for most of the race, despite Ether repeatedly demonstrating how soccer goalies have to dive to make saves. As a goalie myself, I’m wincing in pain watching. So how do the Morons maintain this lead? Simple. Apparently, the Bufus believe that the course is one-lane, so they continue to wait patiently behind the Morons every time they fall down. Pretty damned nice of ‘em, don’t you think? In the end, it’s the postal carrier’s inability to walk on sand that does the Morons in, and the Bufus pretty much lap ‘em. There’s that falling down motif again! Another night without fire or water for the Morons. Woe is them.

Back at camp, everyone heads to the watering hole to gather water, despite the fact that they have no way to make it drinkable. One suspects they all just wanna get the hell away from Debb before they kill her. Token shows what a great guy he is by staying behind to take care of her while the rest of the tribe goes to gather dysentery for dinner.

At the watering hole, all the men talk about what an untrustworthy S.O.B. Token is for eating two cherries. The women are suspiciously silent. Messy is probably still recovering from puking and Mama Kim is probably just now realizing what a complete moron she was for having them dump out all their water. They fill up their jugs with plenty o’ Ebola and head back to camp.

At camp, they find that—dear God in heaven!—Token has eaten more damned food! The bastard! How dare he! Debb, of course, is the one to tell everyone that Token’s a pig, thinking it a suave strategy to save her dehydrated ass. The men make a point of telling him that if they had guns, they’d shoot him. Massa Tom won’t let it go. Apparently, he feels that since he’s in Africa, it’s his sacred duty to re-enact a scene from “Roots.”

MT: What’s your name?
Token: Clarence!
MT: What’s your name?
Token: Clarence!

He never does get him to say, “Kunta Kinte,” and you can just tell he’s pissed that he forgot to bring along his white sheet. Token apologizes profusely, saying, “I sorry, Massa Tommy,” over and over again. And you can tell what Massa thinks about being called “Tommy.” Burnit is grinning evilly off-camera at how clever he’s been in setting us up to think that Token will get the boot. And, btw, how the hell does a guy that big manage a pout that pathetic? C’mon, War Paint! Get it together!

Day 3

Does anything actually happen on Day 3 other than TC? I didn’t think so. And even if it did, this summary is getting hella long. So let’s cut to the chase, shall we?

First, of course, we’ve gotta watch Jiffy ask his *cough* probing questions. An example:

JP: So, Clarence. You’re a thief.
Token: I’m sorry, was that a question? (pouts as others roll their eyes)

The rest of the questions aren’t remotely worth repeating, although Token’s attempts to paint a rosy picture of how they love each other, Kumbaya, were pretty entertaining. So let’s get to the vote. Basically, everyone voted for Debb except Debb herself, of course. There was one vote that wasn’t perfectly clear. Massa Tom apparently can’t spell, so just wrote a big “X,” which was interpreted to be a vote against Token. Whatever. Official total: Debb 6, Token 2. Fortunately, everyone but the Massa realized that a strong thief is more useful than a dead postal worker.

Then, of course, we get Debb's final words.

Debb: Thank God I was the first. Three days almost killed me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a date with my stepson.

And that’s really about it. One final observation: based on the difficulties endured during the first three days, I don’t expect any of these people to last 39 days. Around Day 20 or so, look for clever replacements made by Disney, the folks who brought you the animatronic figures in the Hall of Presidents. Oh, and where the hell were the product placements? Or is Stay-Free a new sponsor this year? If it is, look for Lindzi to last a little longer than expected.

As they once said on SNL, that’s the news and I am outta here!

Didi? Gogo? Where are you? It's me. I'm here. No more waiting. Didi? Gogo? Where are you? I told you I'd come, didn't I? Hello? I could have sworn it was this bench. Where are they? Didi? Gogo?